Hi all. I have not updated for a while, but Sexy was just too bad not to have a go at rewriting! Enjoy! Also, please please review (Love reading all of them!)

Quinn and Rachel are sitting at opposite ends of the classroom. Emma is eating her grapes. A girl knocks on the door, asking if she can join the celibacy club. Emma stands up and shoos her away. Emma goes back to eating her grapes.

Rachel: Mrs Pillsbury, if I may. I for one have no idea what is happening. Didn't there used to be like fifteen members in this club, including boys? Also, why am I here? I had no objections towards sex until I started dating Finn, I mean I even bought a specially designed cape for the occasion.

Quinn: A cape? WTF! Also, I'd like to make it clear, I'm here to prove how independent and self-reliant I am. I haven't cheated on any of my boyfriends in 8 days! I love Jesus.

Rachel: That's because your last boyfriend dumped you? So you no longer have someone to cheat on? I'm honestly going to slap you if you mention independence one more time! Also, I know this is not really relevant but the flicks in your hair are really annoying me. You look like a Charlie's angel Quinn! (A/N- Okay I just had to get that out there!)

Emma interrupts and prevents Rachel from hitting Quinn: Girls! You are missing the point completely! Will was right about you both! The meeting is taking place because I have an important life lesson to explore! Yes, me! Can you believe it's finally my turn? I am going to reveal a very important secret about myself and the celibacy club is the correct setting for this. It's not all about you two! Now don't even try to guess because it is so…..

Quinn: Is it that you're a virgin Mrs P?

Emma: Dammit! How did you guess?

Rachel: Er because of the male/female double standard Mrs Pilsbury. You know, like you and I have to remain virgins to ensure we give our virginity to our appropriate endgame partners. While the boys just man-whore themselves at every opportunity.

Artie: Yeah it is! Look how quickly I forgot that I was pissed at Brittany for taking my virginity! Also, how much do you love my new phrase? Still sticking to the preach hands but mixing it up a little!

Quinn: Why are you always here Artie?

Artie: I just like to interject into every conversation. It's difficult to remind people I'm still here and I know Brittany's gonna leave me soon. I am so close to being like Tina.

Rachel: What, you mean an original member of the team who is now ignored completely, often for weeks on end?

Artie: Yeah it is! If it wasn't for this wheelchair, I'm pretty sure I would have transferred instead of that Matt kid.

Rachel: This might be the only time I ever say it, but…..PREACH!

END SCENE

Will is in the choir room. Inappropriately, he writes the word SEXY on the board. He whispers it to the class. Unfortunately this causes a pile up in the corridor as 43 students overhear and immediately throw up.

Santana: Blah, Blah I am going to insult Rachel again…. Will my character ever develop?

Will checks his hand, which says 'ignore bullying unless it's to do with a male member of the club' and nods. Great point Santana!

Holly Holiday enters.

Holly: Hey guys! I'm here to sing an inappropriate song and to anger parents across the country! Now, let's start with Finn: Did you seriously not know that Quinn was lying to you?

Finn: Totally, but I find it really easy to forgive Mrs H. I don't mind my girlfriends cheating on me.

Rachel coughs loudly and mutters under her breath Douche!

Finn hearing Rachel's cough. Sorry, I should have been more clear. I don't mind Quinn cheating on me.

Will: Don't get carried away Finn, it's not about you this week! Anyway, take it away Mrs Holiday!

Holly starts to sing. Will wildly applauds. He then writes a sign and holds it up to her. It says 'Go for it! I'm just glad people will start calling you a paedophile instead of me. Perhaps someone will finally close down the Paedo-will tumblr!'

END SCENE

Kurt and Blaine are at the coffee shop.

Kurt: I'm sorry Blaine, but I can't do this anymore. I'm transferring back to McKinley.

Blaine: Why?

Kurt: I literally have never drunk so much coffee in my life! We come here every second of the day. I mean it's a welcome change from hanging out in an armchair but still…

Blaine: Hang on man! It's Regionals next week; I'll transfer with you when we lose! Now we need to go and perform. Our performance needs to be sexy. Well it doesn't really; it's just an excuse for me to buy a foam machine.

They walk to what appears to be a disused warehouse (A/N: Just watched it again: Where the hell is it?)

Blaine: Hi girls. Now we're here to be sexy.

The girls faint at how he pronounces sexy.

Blaine: So hold on to your bobby socks.

Girl 1: Hang on, did he just say bobby socks? Does he know it's 2011?

Girl 2: Maybe he thinks we're in the 1950's? This would explain why we are possibly in a place where a serial killer would hide.

Blaine: Just let me sing already!

The group begins to sing. Kurt joins it and appears to have taken his inspiration from the Lion King Musical. Blaine stops the music.

Blaine: Wait, woah!

Kurt: Okay, I know I sung three whole lines but deal with it! You can't sing every line!

Blaine: I'm talking about your faces.

Kurt: You used the word bobby socks in a sentence, who are you to judge?

Blaine: Fair point. Coffee?

Kurt bangs his head against the wall.

END SCENE.

Holly, Santana and Brittany are singing 'Landslide.' Santana is wearing a T-Shirt that says 'Character development biatches' in large lettering and jeans.

Sam whispers to Artie: I wish we were exactly like Santana and Brittany!

Artie: That's weird.

Sam: I only said it so you'd say PREACH! I love it when you do that.

Artie: Again, weird.

Sam shruggs.

Sam: I just love to keep everyone guessing about my sexuality!

Rachel: Brava for exploring Sapphic charm!

Finn pulls a confused face.

Mercedes: Ha! To think he was using archetype last week!

END SCENE

Burt and Kurt in kitchen.

Burt: So, I took your advice and did some research.

Kurt: I'm not listening! It's so hard to be special!

Burt: You asked me to research it!

Kurt: Yes, so I'd look superior. Not so I could actually listen to your advice.

Kurt sighs melodramatically.

Kurt: I will now eat toast in my room, to further show my alienation from society!

Burt: You know what? Make your own frickin toast! You're a pain the ass!

Burt throws a loaf of bread at Kurt.

END SCENE

Brittany and Santana are at the locker. Santana is still wearing her T-Shirt.

Santana: So it turns out I'm a bitch because I have too much love for you! I can't believe how easy I've redeemed myself! Pats self on back.

Brittany: Totally. Look at how intelligent and thoughtful I've become. To think just seconds ago I pretended I didn't know about reproduction.

Santana: So to cut it short: I'm scared of being with you, but I'm going to give a go. Shouldn't we be dragging this out, it seems surprisingly easy?

Brittany: Totally. Anyway, it turns out although this was my own idea; I'm actually in love with Artie. Mainly because he acts in a father figure way but also because we need a conflict to last up until Nationals.

Santana: Get away from me! Runs off crying.

Brittany: If she had a catchphrase I'd totally dump Artie!

Artie: Damn Straight! PREACH! Yeah it is!

END SCENE.

Finn and Quinn are in the bedroom, making out.

Quinn: So like I totally wanted to be independent, but then I figured your never going to get back with Rachel, unless I act like a total bitch. Also, I tried being nice for like one day but I got bored. But Finn, can I make it clear? I'm totally fooling around with you, but I am still focused on myself okay?

Finn: How can I know what archetype means but not understand that what you did was worse than Rachel?

Quinn: Anyway, it's totally awesome because of prom coming up!

Finn: Wait! I've figured it out! We've gone back in a time machine, right? This is like 2010 right cos your obsessed with dating me for popularity and to be prom queen and I'm oblivious to the consequences! I am also in love with Rachel; when am I going to start cheating on you with her?

Quinn: No Finn, I'm a totally different person now. See how curly my hair is. Also, check out my bigger boobs!

Finn: Oh. So you're not just with me for popularity?

Quinn: You should have been my first.

Finn: That doesn't answer the question.

Quinn: Puck was mistake.

Finn: Again, not answering my questioning. Was that supposed to be an apology? This is unclear.

Quinn: Can we just make out already? I need a hickey to show off to celibacy club! Geez!

They begin to kiss. We realise that Finn is wearing a T-Shirt with the following slogan: WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT I'D END UP A BIGGER ASS THAN PUCK? on the front.

END SCENE

So that's it. Who knows, perhaps I won't need to do one of these for Original Song?

Anyways, please please review, I love to seeing how much you laughed, especially in inappropriate places!