Hi all! I'm back! On the day the new episode airs, I thought a little parody of 'Original Song' might be appropriate! Enjoy and please review!
SCENE: Dalton Academy
Blaine walks in and burst into song. Annoyed at not being the centre of attention, Kurt starts to sob loudly. Unfortunately, nobody notices. He takes out his notebook and begins to hatch a plan to murder the beloved Pavarotti.
Song ends.
Blaine: Hey, Regionals! You've just met our opening number
Wes: Err, no Blaine. Regionals is in three days; we should have prepared this months ago. Also, don't talk to the ceiling; it's weird.
Kurt sighs loudly.
Blaine: Is there a problem Kurt?
Kurt: Yes Blaine, there is. The problem is that I care too much. Because I'm so a lovely person and so caring, kind and special, I am so fucking fed up of you getting all the solos! Like, seriously, what's up with that? I'm the special one, remember? You're just here to enhance my fight for acceptance and tolerance, not to steal my screen time!
Blaine, who has unfortunately tuned out after hearing the word 'special'' (fearing Kurt was about to confess his love for the 36th time) begins to think about whether he should supersize his Big Mac order when he has lunch later.
END SCENE
Rachel and Finn enter the choir room.
Rachel: So I've decided to sing a very similar song to My Headband in order to inspire another speech. It's been one hour since your last one.
Brad, the piano man contemplates resigning for the fifth time that day. Rachel begins to sing the song 'Only Child.' She stops after the third line. Finn is puzzled.
Rachel: What's wrong Finn?
Finn: Nothing, I'm waiting for the rest of the song.
Rachel: Err, it's only three lines long Finn. I figured you interrupt me and begin your speech by now? I'm not going to write the whole song just to get your attention; that would be stupid!
Finn: Oh no, that's not the plan. It needs to be several verses long to allow me to show a range of humorous facial expressions.
Rachel: Dammit!
Finn: Hey, is that Quinn watching us from the window? Wait, is she talking to herself?
Rachel: No, surely not. I mean she's wearing a beach hat indoors! Oh, I remember now, Quinn is styling herself on 70s icons! Pause. Hey, she gets an inner monologue; that's so not fair! She gets all the inner monologues lately! Remember when I used to get inner monologues?
Finn: It's called changing Rachel! Deal with it! I mean- remember last year when I used to be a total douche, who only cared about popularity and hot cheerleaders? Look at me now. Totally changed.
Rachel: Finn, you did an inner monologue ten minutes ago in the hallway about your popularity and cheerleaders. Whilst wearing sunglasses. Surrounded by cheerleaders. Wearing an 'I wink at random girls' T-Shirt.
Finn: Damn these continuity errors! I'm so confused lately! Like that whole Puck and Lauren thing; is that a joke? It's a joke right? No one will explain it to me!
Rachel: Nobody knows anymore Finn (shakes her head sadly) Nobody knows!
END SCENE
Quinn is speaking to herself in the hallway, while staring at Rachel and Finn: I know what you're thinking. I'm a bitch, one dimensional and my storylines suggest someone is seriously misogynistic. But this is the most I've spoken in two years and even if it's just because I'm delaying a Finchel reunion; I'm going for it! I just wish I didn't wear clothes that make me look like I'm going for a picnic. I thought I used to be hot! Pauses Why is Rachel doing some kind of comedy dance for Finn and making him laugh? I can't let her get away with this! I know! I'm going to do a comedy dance for Finn! No wait, that's not right! I'm going to become Rachel's friend to….. well to….. oh that's not important right now! I'm going to become Rachel's friend!
Quinn writes 'become Rachel's friend' on her hand next to 'Curl hair for the fifth time today' and 'remember I like to sing-surely I'm due a solo?'
END SCENE
Kurt arrives amidst a Dalton Academy discussion, wearing a T-Shirt with 'RIP Pavaroti…' on the front and '…give me my god damn solo now biatches!'
Blaine: Oh my god!
Kurt, pleased at the effect he has created, pauses for maximum effect.
Blaine: Are you wearing knee high boots?
Wes: And all black. Banish him, Warblers! He is clearly practising witchcraft! How dare he enterDaltonAcademywithout uniform! If the principle finds him, he'll be expelled!
Bob: (A/N Bob is my name for an unknown warbler. I admit it didn't take long to think up, but I'm sticking with it as one of the Warblers is called Wes! Therefore, any name is good in comparison. P.S. No offence if your name is Wes. Or Bob.) I know I don't speak, or even actually sing. but there are no teachers in this school, or indeed any adults to supervise us. We could run riot, or at the very least jump on the armchairs.
Artie: PREACH!
Pause as 22 warblers turn to look at Artie. Kurt begins to cry.
Artie: Don't mind me! Just getting my background acting on!
Kurt: Can we get back to me! Pavarotti was a friend, I admired his motivation, his voice…
Bob: What a ridiculous thing to say! Dude, it's a bird! I don't even know why you were put in charge of it anyways!
Blaine: Because we were trying to make the bird a metaphor, remember Bob? (A/N- I like to think of Bob as a female Brittany; I'm getting into this character now!) Like both are trapped….
Bob: Kurt lives in a cage?
Blaine: Well not literally, it's like….. Okay fine, I admit it! Kurt made me give him the bird, so he'd get extra screen time!
Kurt ignores this and begins to sing his solo.
END SCENE
Choir room.
Rachel: I think we should write an original song for Regionals.
Santana: Rachel's a freak!
Will applauds loudly.
Quinn: I think we should write an original song for Regions.
Will applauds loudly.
Will: That's an amazing idea. I approve!
Quinn: It was Rachel's idea.
Will: Well if that's the case, I'm not making the decision! It's not like I lead the club in any way so we'll vote. Then if it goes wrong, I can blame the club rather than myself.
Finn: This suits me; I can stick up for Rachel without… well y'know without saying it aloud to other people.
END SCENE
SCENE auditorium
Quinn is pretending to play on the piano, while contemplating another inner monologue. Rachel arrives.
Rachel: Hello Quinn, we've bonded right? Over the whole my never mentioned long-lost mother adopting your child from an illicit affair that everyone has forgotten about?
Quinn: I had a baby with Sam? Damn, I bet it's pretty! And dumb.
Rachel: No with Puck! See how I just subtly reminded everyone that you had a baby, while I have abandonment issues. Just go along with this!
Quinn: I just can't keep up with who I'm supposed to be cheating on! Anyway, despite this I'm dating Finn, Rachel. Sure we keep arguing about Prom but naturally I have my whole future mapped out with I guy who at best, I tolerate. So Finn's going to take over Burt's car place…..
Rachel: If I may to interrupt? We graduate next year! How old do you think Burt is? Isn't he like fourty? He's not going to retire for another twenty years! Also, he's not rich. It costs a lot to keep Kurt sitting in a leather armchair each day.
Quinn: Oh, well, not to worry I'll be a real estate agent and….
Rachel: Again, if I may interrupt, since when you have expressed any desire to sell real estate?
Quinn: Well I figure I kinda dress like a middle aged woman I might as well become one! Plus you know I can trick people into all sorts of shit; that's a good quality for a realtor right? Anyway, the point I'm making is that you belong in New York Rachel! (Quinn's voice falters; leaving us curious as to whether she is emotional or just has a cold) Dammit, why can't I cry on cue? I have an emotional side too! Rachel I'm trying to say you'll never (pause) Get. It. Right.
Rachel: Maybe I should forget all about Finn, I mean you're right I am super talented and Finn is going to just mope around all depressed that I'm the bigger star! I think I'll write a song called 'I'm a star and….'
Quinn: You're not listening! Just try to GET IT. GET IT RIGHT BITCH!
Rachel: Get what right? Why is there a man behind you holding a cue card that says 'get it right?'
Quinn: It's Finn okay! He made me do it! He said if I don't trick you into writing a song called Get it Right then he will never realise his secret love for you before Nationals!
Rachel: Oh! I've already written a song called 'Finn Hudson; I love you but not in a stalker kind of way!' but I guess I can move the words around. You should have just said so Quinn!
Rachel skips off.
END SCENE
Choir room
Will: I've left Rachel and Quinn completely unsupervised, in true form to my teaching qualities. Now I was going to teach you all about song writing but I realised I didn't actually know anything. You know, I have no Music qualifications? I have my degree in Spanish and then a certificate in stopping Glee fights but that's it. So I brought you a book. Read it for an hour, while I send text messages to my new girlfriend.
Mike: (whispering to Tina) Mr Shue is such a good teacher, apparently I can wheel on the main prop during the group number at Regionals! That man has given me so much opportunity.
Tina wearing a T-Shirt with 'Free Tina from miming' (whispering to Mike) Whatever, that Dude sold me out! I haven't sung a note for year! Here, sign my petition!
Mike: What am I signing for? (studies the sheet) A petition to prevent Tina moving from Regular to recurring Glee club member? You only have three signatures….
Tina: Well, two actually. If you look closely, Mercedes thinks it's a petition to bring back tots into the cafeteria, see? (Tina points at the sheet, where Mercedes has written clearly 'I won't rest until I get my tots!')Hey, do you think I should get in some kind of eating storyline?
Mike: Babe, just be grateful you're still allowed to speak. Sam questioned Mr Shue the other day and he's been relegated to backing vocals! Sure he has that stupid Santana storyline but we all know that's not going anywhere. Word on the street he's considering a Kurt-Blaine love triangle to get back into the spotlight?
Tina: What does Kurt think?
Mike: We'll he's totally up for some more drama but apparently this would give him more screentime than all the other characters put together, so they'd have to rename us Kurt Hummel and the New Directions for legal reasons. Mr Shue doesn't like anyone getting more attention than him, so I don't think it's gonna happen.
Tina (shaking head) tough break!
END SCENE
Regionals. Rachel is watching Aural Intensity Perform and receives a text message from Finn.
From: Finn Hudson
Hi Rach, eye sex in five minutes?
Rachel shakes her head and replies.
From: Rachel Berry
Err, no Finn. Emotional gazing remember? Can you try to make yourself cry?
From: Finn Hudson
Totally! Do you wanna start or…?
From: Rachel Berry
No, you start. No wait I'll look at you and realise you were already looking at me! That's deep!
From: Finn Hudson
I don't understand. How will I know when to look if your not looking and I'm not looking first?
From: Rachel Berry
JUST STARE AT ME FINN!
Kurt and Blaine arrive on stage. Rachel and Finn begin their staring competition. Quinn begins doing her nails, until Finn nudges her. She assumes her jealous girlfriend position.
END SCENE
Backstage at Regionals. Rachel is singing 'Get it Right' while Rachel, Finn and Quinn stand backstage.
Will smiles: Man I am such a good teacher! Look, what I've achieved Finn!
Finn: Err Mr Shue, you didn't contribute to this any way! In fact, you didn't even give Rachel the book.
Will: Yes I did! I wrote the words on the whiteboard! I added 'like me' to the word 'Loser' too. Hey, what's up with your face?
Finn: Oh, I'm half smiling Mr Shue. To show my happiness at Rachel's song, yet to suggest I am also torn between her and Quinn.
Will: Man, that's subtle! I like it! I might try that when I see Emma, y'know- try not to be that obvious?
Finn: Totally, unlike Quinn who has pulled that 'I'm jealous of Finchel' look for the 36th time this hour. I'm all about the range!
END SCENE
Rachel and Finn outside of the Regionals venue.
Rachel: I can't believe we won!
Finn: Well we kinda had too… Otherwise there's no reason for us to go to New York, and if we don't go to New York, then how are we going to get back together?
Rachel: Totally. I can't believe we reunited in a hallway last year Finn! Who does that? Secondary characters that's who! Sure we were rushed for time because the Jesse debacle was dragged on, but it was still lazy. I say we go all out for it this time! Let's forgot the staring and you carry on with Quinn for now. Then we can have some Prom drama, and oh...also I'd like you to get in a fight over me. Hmm, who could we…
Jesse approaches, as if by magic. Hi guys! I'm your man! I quit Burger King and I'm coming back. I figure I can go out with Rachel and Finn can jealous….
Finn (pats Jesse's back)Nice try dude, but we've already done that, for like all of last year. We can't just repeat storylines or ignore important things such as the fact you were in love with Rachel and then egged her!
Jesse: Is this guy for real Rachel?
Rachel: I know right! Some times I don't think it's worth the hassle, I mean does he really think when we get together we're going to stay together? We'll break up at least 5 time next year too! Hey, Jesse, why not stay a while. Once Finn and I reunite I'll need someone to cheat on when I'm feeling out of character?
Jesse: Sounds like I plan!
Jesse and Rachel walk off in to the distance. Finn scratches his head.
Finn: Sometimes I really don't get Glee. I try to write things down on my hand but things happen in random order and no-one can explain them to me! I mean I only joined a year ago because Mr Shue found drugs in my locker; I could give or take singing to be honest. Hmm, maybe I should check if my punishments up yet?
END SCENE
That's it! Here's hoping tonight's ep is good one. If you enjoyed this, then please review! I'll give a special 'preach' or 'damn straight' to you next time I write!