Disclaimer: I do not own the christian bible. Bible just means book in roman, so it's the christian book, which is kind of sillypantsy really.
Based on real life historical events.
Back when jesus was born at the founding of america, there weren't any computers, and phones couldn't go on the internet or even call people because they didn't exist either. That was 100,000,000,000 years ago. This is the story of the canandidalandian rebels who tried to melt the white house with a giant magnifying glass. This is the story of the hero juses, who managed to defend the white house from this viscous attack.
George Washington had just founded america, using the electron earrings to become a mighty president. He tested his president powers by throwing a large bullet at a tree, which explodd due to his president powers. Gorge Washington picked up his wife, Marytha, who was repugnant. He had to take her to the bathroom because she was too repugnant to walk, so she pooped out a babby even though they hadn't sexxed yet, but she was repugnant anyway because ultragod had sex with her.
When they saw it was a babby and not a huge turd they named the baby Jesus, and he was crying so they rocked him to sleep. Then The Constitution came and she blessed Jebus with her constitution powers. "Hello, The Constitution," said Geroge Washington. Mary Washington was still recovering from pooping out a baby because that's exhausting and hurts a lot.
George Washington got on his knees and kissed the constitution's feet because he was into that sort of thing and the constitution was his mistress. Which according to the bible is actually pretty bad because it says the man is supposed to be in charge of the relationship and control the woman, which seems wrong and misogynistic and horrible but whenever you point this out to christians they always red herring that the man is also supposed to love his wife as jesus loved the church which doesn't make it not oppressive if your huband is lovingly oppressive. Such sillinesses.
George Washington, wisely realizing that they would need a house, put his hands with the constitution's, and they let their power merge temporarily, and together they crated a white house that was very white because it was The White House. It had lots of rooms because the president needs lots of guest rooms. And there was also the oral office, where the president could give orders while receiving oral sex.
Jesus was a precocious young lad, already reading and interpreting complex religious texts on the day he was born. It was quite impressive really.
But to the north of america a group of american criminals were establishing a nation called canandidaland. They also executed the natives that lived there which is why the inyouit are extinct today. They were also doing a war training montage to get strong enough to take on america. They were training in hadn to hand combat, beating each other to increase their resistance to pian and make each other much stornger, toughening their bodies like the xiaolin monks of old. And new. Or only new I guess since this was before them. The xiaolin monkeys weren't around till 50,000,000 BC.
Fortunately for George Washington, a scout had managed to steal a letter that they had written about their planned attack.
"Dear George Washington, We're going to melt the white house with a giant magnifying glass, but we're not sending this letter to you so you won't know that, so ha!
Love,
The Canandidalandians," said the letter foolishly, so GEORGE WASHINGTON got angry and burned it.
And then it was the day of the attack so the native canandidalandians had a buncha horses pulling a giant magnifying glass toward the white house. Also Jesus had grown up and George and Mary Washington had to go fight some other people. Jesus was the only one living at the white house currently but forutnantly he had the electron earrings so he had president powers and he also had his Jesus Powers, and he also had his constitution blessing which gave him constitution powers.
Jesus walked out onto the white house yard. The canandidalandians were there with their giant magnifying glass, and the horses were tired and sleeping. The Canandidalandians said, "ha! In hindsight it was probably a pretty stupid plan, but we got the giant magnifying glass here, so you can't stop us now!"
"Yes, it's a stupid plan, but you're wrong, I have president powers, and constitution powers, and Jesus Powers! And I also have a new kind of powers... AMERICA POWERS!" said Jesus, creating a tank with a big gun. And that is how tanks were invented, children. Jesus had the tank fire, and it blew up the magnifying glass. And the Canandidalandians surrendeered. Jesus forgave them Jesusily.
MEANWHILE, GEORGE AND MARY WASHINGTON ARE FIGHTING KING GOERGE THE THRID! But I think that's another chaptar.