Indiscretions
Dedication: To Emily. Even if you'll never read this because you don't read Clare, thank you. & thank you to Rin, for reading these & speculating with me. & thank you for everyone who kept asking me to update; I finally got it (apologies, as well, for the lateness).
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the references to TID, including the characters.
The day after Jem had taken the jade pendant back, Will finally comes across his parabatai.
Part accident, part on purpose – casu consulto, in Latin, though not quite accurate. After all, Jem probably hasn't meant to speak to him for years, but Herondales are quite stubborn and Will had every intention to conclude this.
To conclude, he thinks to himself, is such a strangely daunting concept, even though it is one he had never really considered before. Conclusions are dead ends, and, in this particular instance, ambiguous. Perhaps they can end this mess without losing each other in something of a patchwork job, but there is an equally sizable chance that this will shred their friendship permanently. Love is both a needle and a blade, stitching and strengthening where it isn't ripping what is left into nothing but dust.
He can already see the tatters in the fabric of their years.
"Jem."
"William."
He winces. "You're still upset, I see."
Will has never seen Jem really glare before. Even when he fights, his eyes are open with no hint of dark anger, fluid in his movements like a dancer.
Jem doesn't sulk, he knows, and, truth be told, it isn't a time for that. It is a time for anger, and considering his passion-love for Tessa, there is the potential for a rain of fire. He can see it there, in Jem's eyes, like silver mercury.
"Considering I found myself engaged until yesterday evening, having both a friend and someone like a brother, I must ask if you really think I should have fully recovered and be in such good humor so as to forgive you."
Without waiting for a response, he turns, his silver hair gliding on the wind of his quick movement as he makes to go back the way he had originally come before anyone can stop him, but Will is fast. Fastest Shadowhunter in many generations, and he knows that.
He has never actually tried to use it against Jem before, though.
Jem is faster than he has always let on, slipping his wrist and hand through Will's fingers. A human whisp.
Maybe he would've continued on his way, Will thinks with a hint of sadness, except for what he says next.
"I've loved Tessa since before the ball at de Quincy's."
That's the thing that makes Jem stop halfway through the shadow of the corridor.
It's weird talking to his back; just as odd as it had felt to love and care behind him as well. The last several months have been filled with more subversive actions than he cared to remember. When has this become lies, is Will's miserable thought though he shakes it away.
After all, Jem hadn't been deceptive in the least.
Jem was the cuckold, and, despite Will's reluctant feelings of resentment, Will has never had any ground to stand on in the moral battle.
"I never said anything because… Well, it wasn't an option at the time. You know about the curse – it applied to everyone. All of you, even stupid Jessamine, are my family, and to love you seemed to be capable of bringing doom to you all. Then, when I thought I was free…"
They both remember the jade pendant, and Jem's arm twitches. Will wonders, stuffing his hands into his own pockets, if Jem is still holding onto it.
"We were meant to crash and burn, weren't we?" Will gives a bitter laugh that he feels throb somewhere between his lungs. "We can't really have each other because we're stuck in this circle, where we can only have one of each other, like one of those love triangles in the penny romances at one of those mundane grocery stores. How are we supposed to-?"
Will breaks off as Jem continues away from him.
Sighing, he looks into the darkness with a yearning to follow, but knows that will do more ill than good right now. It'll take time and another love for things to go anywhere near where they used to be.
.
.
.
Will finds Tessa leaning over the ledge on the roof. Her angel dangles low with the chain riding up near the hairline at her nape. From time to time, it swings, skimming the tip of her nose before resuming its pendulum-like activity.
It creates the smile that's not on her face.
He wants nothing more than to walk up to her and celebrate her freedom, but it's not exactly freedom, is it? Will's not certain she'll see it as anything but a different kind of slavery, going from one Shadowhunter to the other. They know their feelings for one another, but…
Maybe it's not the right time.
"Will?"
Tessa doesn't hold his hand, instead choosing just to linger behind him as he faces the staircase. He can feel a hint of warmth from her breath, even from afar, on such a chilly day.
When he turns his head to look at her, he knows she is just as unsure about where things are going to go.
It's not a time for kisses and sweet promises. There is to be no celebrating upon the apparent requited love they were subject to. Emotionally stranded from a third of their trio upon surrendering to their feelings for each other, they are threaded together even stronger while the needle severes Jem from them both.
They had always been painfully aware of the consequences.
Could their love hold them together through the coming storm from within?
Could there be forgiveness for unleashing it?
Is true forgiveness strong enough? Was Jem that strong?
As they stand there, looking at each other with hands centimeters from joining, Will wonders what is forgiveness between friends who will only lose upon gaining.