Thank you so much for all reviews. I am loving them! Some of your reactions to the last chapter made me laugh hahaha! Well, keep reading and reviewing. I am getting very excited about the direction of this story, and I hope you are, too. The following chapter is a long one (almost double my normal length), but I hope it's one that you'll like. Enjoy!
Chapter 5: Remus and Recovery
That night, Remus sat on his couch staring idly at the television set in front of him. It was flashing some crime show about a murdered wife, but Remus was hardly paying attention. His studio apartment was untidy and smelled slightly of mulch, but he did not notice. The only thing he could keep his mind on was the feeling of Sirius's lips against his. The feeling sent shivers down his spine. He was not entirely sure why he had pulled away, but he had, and he'd feared he'd messed things up for good until he returned to home base and was told by his father that the Blacks had requested him again.
Remus couldn't help but smile at the thought. Despite Remus apparently giving Sirius the impression that he did not want to take their relationship—if you could even call it that—to the next level, Sirius still wanted to see him. Remus bit his bottom lip with a smile as he tried to imagine Sirius pining for him—lying awake in bed next to his wife thinking about what he would and could do to Remus. Remus thought it was too much to hope for that Sirius wanted him that badly, but it had been so long since Remus had been wanted in this way. He had forgotten how good it felt. He knew that Sirius had to have strong feelings for him. If that was how Sirius behaved after only two encounters, he had to have been thinking about Remus in between their two brief meetings. Remus's smile widened.
The thought of Sirius made Remus warm all over and it made his heart rate speed up. He tried to imagine what Sirius's mouth would feel like on other parts of his body… his neck, his chest, his stomach… his cock. Remus's mouth practically watered at the thought. He tilted his head back on his couch, and just before he began to slip into his fantasy, he pushed himself quickly out of his spot on the couch and walked over to his kitchen area, trying to push the thoughts of Sirius out of his mind.
Remus walked to his refrigerator, pulled out a bottle of domestic beer, screwed off the top with his bare hand, and took a large swig. The cool liquid and the carbonation felt good as it went down. In under a minute, Remus took several more large gulps, finished off the bottle, and pulled out another. This time he drank it much more slowly as he took his spot on the couch once more.
"Shit," Remus said after he sat back down and realized he literally could not get his mind off of Sirius. From the moment he had left the Blacks to this moment, Remus had thought of nearly nothing else but Sirius. Remus tilted his head back onto the back of his couch and felt his stomach twist into the same nervous knots he got every time he went on a first date. Was this really what he wanted? From Sirius's actions and his surroundings, Remus could guess that Sirius was severely repressing his sexuality, but Remus could not tell if he was the first man Sirius would be with. His instinct told him no, but he couldn't be sure, and Remus was not really up for being some bored husband's experiment. He also was not keen on being Sirius's "thing on the side," so to speak. He knew it might sound childish and selfish, but when Remus was with someone, he wanted to be their priority, and because Sirius was married, Remus knew automatically that he would not even be close to Sirius's priority if something ever happened between them. There was also the wife to think about. Sure, she was an awful bitch who cared much too much about her fucking deck, but she was also just a woman who wanted to be loved by her husband.
Remus sighed. This was a tough situation he had gotten himself into, but he was in it. In this moment, Remus realized that this was why he had pulled away the first time and the second time. The first time, he was thinking that he didn't want to be "the other man." The second time he knew he would lose control and go further than he wanted to if he didn't stop himself. But he had initiated the second kiss because he could not resist, and Remus knew that Sirius would not forget that.
I should never have gotten myself into this mess, Remus thought to himself. For just a brief moment a second later, Remus thought of ending all of his contact with Sirius, but when he felt a hollow feeling in his stomach at the mere thought of that, he immediately changed his mind. "Fuck," he said loudly when he thought about how very badly he wanted Sirius. There was nothing he could do about it now. Now that he knew what Sirius's mouth tasted like, he would have to have more. There was no stopping it now. He wanted to stomp and kick and scream just to be able to get some kind of emotional release, but he remained still and continued to stare up at his ceiling.
Remus was still deeply lost in thought when he heard a small knock at his door. Hoping that somehow Sirius had found out where he lived and had come to claim him, Remus leapt from his couch and opened the door as much as the chain would allow.
When he saw his long-haired, tattooed and pierced ex-boyfriend standing on the other side of the door, he slammed it closed.
"Remus," a muffled voice came from the other side. "Remus, please talk to me. That's all I'm asking… It's for the program," he said quietly although Remus could hear him loud and clear. "It will make me better."
For a while, Remus still did not open the door. This was his own fault. Remus had learned early on in his relationship with Severus that he could never let his guard down. That had been his one golden rule when it came to Severus, and Remus had broken it. How could he have let this happen? If he hadn't been so wrapped up in his thoughts of a married man, this would have never happened, but now Remus was in an impossible situation, and he didn't know how he could get out.
Remus's heart was thumping and adrenaline was coursing through his veins. What could he do? He could just tell Severus to go away, but then he would just keep coming back. He could call the police. But what would they do? Remus thought with a shake of his head, thinking about how stupid that thought was. He could just rip the band-aid, let Severus in and hear him out and then end it at that. Remus closed his eyes as he leaned his back against his door. He knew his resolve with Severus had always been weak. Never had he ever been able to deny Severus something he wanted—just one example of their extremely toxic relationship. Remus could not do this—not right now. His mind was too fragile because of his thoughts of Sirius, and he could not deal with Severus right now. Maybe in a week or two.
Remus nearly made up his mind to ignore Severus, but when he heard him whisper "Please…" on the other side, he finally gave in and opened it up for Severus to come in against every instinct in his body that was screaming for Remus to have no contact with this man who had practically ruined his life for two years.
When Severus walked in the door, he tried to pull Remus to him, but Remus yanked his hand away and walked over to the bar that separated his living area from his kitchen and sat on the bar stool that was near his couch. Remus tried to remain as cold as he could toward Severus, but even after the relationship that had broken him and the separation, Remus's body still felt on fire in the places that Severus had just touched him. Even now, after everything, the man had that affect on him. Remus tried to focus his mind on being aloof.
"Say what you came to say and then leave," Remus said flatly.
After a moment, Severus sighed and sat down on Remus's couch, his back to Remus. "I… I don't know what to say…"
Remus scoffed. "Are you kidding me? What's the program for then? Why are you here? Shouldn't you have prepared this before you came?"
"I know what to say to everyone else!" Severus said indignantly. "I just don't know what to say to you because… because I know I hurt you the most." Remus did not say anything. At those words, his entire body had tensed up and he knew that if he spoke, the words would just flow from him like vomit. After a while, Severus finally spoke again. "I… I'm so sorry, Remus." His voice was shaking. "I was really messed up. The drugs had control over me… When I was high, I felt invincible, but when I crashed, I felt worthless, and I… I took that out on you." Severus's words were becoming more strained, and the next words came out in choked sobs. "I l-love you s-so much, and I n-never m-meant to hurt you. What I did is unforgivable, but I-I hope that with t-time, you can one day f-find it in your kind and overly generous heart to forgive me, even though I am un-undeserving…"
In that moment, all of the memories came flooding back, and for the first time in what felt like an eternity, Remus's mind was finally focused on something other than Sirius. The memories—good and bad—washed over Remus entirely despite how desperately he wanted to fight them. This man had been his one and only—his breath, his life, his everything—for two years. Remus had lived and died by this man, and although he now seemed to be infatuated with Sirius, Remus could not forget the person who had been the very air he had breathed for two years. It was hard. It was painful. And the memories were vivid.
First he remembered a bad memory that had become so typical of Severus's behavior after he crashed from his high that Remus had come to believe it was just his way of life.
Remus slumbered softly in Severus's lap on the couch of his studio apartment. Both men were naked, but Remus had a blanket draped loosely over his midsection. Severus was reclined on the arm of the couch with his legs propped up on the coffee table in front of them, and Remus laid across the rest of the couch with his hair in his face and his cheek pressed to Severus's thigh. The remnants of lines of cocaine and several shots of heroine were lying on his coffee table, along with several empty beer bottles and a half empty bottle of vodka. The sun was peeking through the curtains, and Severus had begun to stir. The night before, Severus had been on a high like one Remus had never seen before. They had fucked mercilessly for hours, changing who was fucking who each time. By the time they had finished, Severus finally passed out, and Remus felt as if he would never be able to come again. Severus blinked his eyes open and looked down at Remus resting peacefully.
"What the fuck?" he said loudly and roughly. Remus jolted up at the sound of Severus's voice. He knew that tone. Severus was out for blood.
"What's wrong, baby?" Remus said quickly after rubbing his eyes.
"Don't," Severus said nastily. An awful sneer formed on his face, and Remus felt his heart begin to race. Last night he had known that the crash would be awful, but he had allowed himself to forget while he lost his mind on this very couch, and in various other places in his apartment. "Get that disgusting look off your face, you slut," Severus said harshly. "What?" Severus said after Remus dropped his eyes and looked at the floor. "What, you lay across this entire couch like a fucking princess and expect me not to wake up pissed off with a stiff neck?"
"Baby, I'm sorry—"
"'Baby, I'm sorry,'" Severus mocked mercilessly. "Shut the fuck up. You're such a worthless piece of shit. You don't care about anyone but yourself. You never have." Severus stood up from the couch and stared down at Remus. "God, you're so pathetic. Just look at yourself." Severus trailed his eyes down Remus's naked body and back up to his eyes. "Do you even know how disgusting you look?"
"Baby, please—"
"Please what?" Severus shouted. "Are you begging me to fuck you like you beg and beg for it all the time?" Severus shook his head and walked toward the kitchen. "I don't even know why I ever fucked you in the first place. I'm sure I'm swarming with diseases." Tears pierced Remus's eyes as he listened to Severus, but he said nothing. He was so used to Severus's verbal abuse, and he knew that Severus just had to get it all out. It was only after Severus felt the release that he would stop lashing out at Remus. It was Severus's way of getting some kind of high when he wasn't high. Remus sniffed quietly, and Severus continued without even turning to face him. "Stop your sniveling," he said. "And get yourself cleaned up."
Not even a second after Remus relived one of his most awful memories with Severus, his mind instantly went to one of their good days. This was always the way that Remus had been able to justify their relationship. Yes, there were bad days, but there were also days when Severus made Remus feel like the only man in the world.
Remus walked slowly from the elevator and slipped the key into the lock of his apartment door. It had been a long day at work, and after working so hard on all of his jobs, he had received a fierce scolding from his father about his work ethic. When he opened the door and saw Severus snort a line of cocaine, Remus instantly wanted to turn around and run away. After the day he'd had, he was not in the mood for dealing with Severus.
"Baby!" Severus said happily when he saw Remus. Severus smiled through drooping and glassy eyes, and when Remus shut the door, Severus jumped up and ran to his boyfriend, showering him with kisses. "God, you look so sexy," Severus said. Remus pushed Severus gently off of him and walked around him to his kitchen. He pulled out a beer, and Severus continued. "Did you have a rough day? You look like you did." Severus walked over to him and slipped his arms around Remus's waist.
"Severus, please," Remus said. "I'm not in the mood."
Severus pouted. "Okay," he said. He dropped his hands from Remus's waist but took his free hand and pulled him over to the couch. After Remus sat down, Severus walked behind the couch and began to massage Remus's shoulders deeply, causing Remus to moan at the feeling of it. It felt incredible after the day he'd had. As he massaged Remus, Severus whispered words of adoration in Remus's ear. He told Remus how sexy, smart, and capable he was—how he just had to get through this short rough patch and one day the company would be his. He told Remus how badly he wanted and needed him. He told Remus everything he wanted to hear, and despite his high, Remus made love to him after the massage was over. It felt good to release his emotions into his passion with Severus. He hated the drugs, but he knew that without them, it would not be the Severus he loved. And Remus knew how messed up that was.
As Remus recalled these memories, the tears were now flowing from both Remus and Severus's eyes, and in a quick movement, Remus moved from his bar stool and over to Severus and pulled him up into a tight hug. He wanted to forgive him, he wanted to love him, and he wanted to remember only the good. Severus was trembling and moving his hands all over Remus's body. Remus's cheek brushed against Severus's briefly before Severus turned his head and captured Remus's lips with his own. Remus did not resist. Instead, he held Severus tighter and deepened their kiss. Severus's mouth was hungry and needy and desperate, and his touches and caresses revealed his need even more. "Fuck me, Remus," Severus said into Remus's mouth. "Please…" Severus was sobbing slightly into Remus's mouth, but Remus did not care in this moment. The hatred and love he felt for Severus were both swirling inside him and he could not distinguish the two. So, with his mouth still attached to Severus's in a bruising kiss, he dragged Severus over to his bed.
With several quick movements, Severus was bent over Remus's bed and both of their pants were pulled down around their thighs at Remus's doing. Remus pushed his cock roughly into Severus's entrance after he briefly lubricated, and Remus moaned as he heard Severus grunt and plead for more. For what felt like days, Remus pounded his hatred and passion in and out of Severus until he had Severus begging for release. Remus's cock was hard and ready for explosion, and just when he thought he couldn't take it anymore, Severus clenched and Remus grunted loudly as he released himself inside Severus. Severus had been stroking his own cock—because Remus would not—at the same time and found release at the same time as Remus. When they finished, Remus collapsed onto his bed and before Severus could do the same, Remus spoke.
"This changes nothing," he said coldly, staring up at the ceiling above him. The moment he had entered Severus, he regretted it. And now this regret was overwhelming. He had lost control with Severus the same way he had done for the past two years. Every time Severus had verbally and even occasionally physically abused him—every time Severus made Remus feel worse than worthless—Remus had always found a way to forgive him. It had taken all of his power to end things, and he couldn't go back. He wouldn't. So he focused on one of his bad memories with Severus as he spoke. "You were right. What you did to me was unforgivable, and there is no way in hell that I would ever forgive you," he said. His voice was barely above a whisper. Then, he said, "Get out."
"Remus!"
"No, Severus, I want you to leave." His voice was still quiet. "That was a mistake. I won't put myself through this again." At the look on Severus's face, Remus softened just a little. "Please, Severus… I need time… just… just leave."
Severus looked as if Remus had just told him that he had murdered his entire family, but Remus could detect a very, very faint glimmer of hope in Severus's eyes. Without a word, Severus walked through the door and out—Remus hoped—of Remus's life forever.
Remus cried himself to sleep that night. High or not, recovery or not, Severus still managed to make Remus feel completely worthless as he always had. He wished more than anything that he had not had sex with Severus. He felt like such a fool, and he was so ashamed. What could have possibly possessed him to do such a thing? His relationship with Severus, now and then, was completely and totally destructive. He should have never let Severus in, but where he was concerned, Remus always had a soft spot that made him lose all of his better judgment. From the moment they'd met, Remus had lost all control, and now it seems that he had never fully regained it.
Hours after he had finally fallen asleep, Remus woke up with a full bladder and a dry mouth. His mind was still incredibly clouded, and after he relieved himself and drank several glasses of water, he decided to go for a walk. He desperately needed to clear his head. After his encounter with Severus, his thoughts had drifted to Sirius, and he had become fearful. If he started something with Sirius, Remus was afraid that Sirius would end up having the same hold on him that Severus had. It was even more frightening because Remus felt more infatuated by Sirius at the beginning of their… relationship… than he had for Severus. If Sirius was already having this effect on him, it was safe to say that if anything happened, he would be doomed. Yet again, he was entering into a toxic relationship that was doomed from the start, but this time, instead of drug addiction, there was the minor detail of a marriage. But what could he do? Remus had never been one to deny himself something he wanted, and it was so obvious that Sirius wanted it, too.
As Remus walked along, he became blind to his surroundings. He didn't know where he was walking to, but he knew he just had to keep walking. It was very late—a little after three in the morning—but he didn't care. The moon was high in the sky, but New York light pollution blocked any stars from the sky. Remus, of course, did not notice. Normally, he longed for stars, but tonight, Remus had a one-track mind. After a while, Remus found himself at the front door of a bar near where he lived in Brooklyn that he tended to frequent fairly often. This was one of the many things Remus loved about New York—no matter what time it was, you were never alone, and you could always find somewhere to go. When he walked in, he briefly took in his surroundings. The lights were very low and had a slightly bluish glow to them. A few people littered the tables, some talking lowly to their significant others, others quietly making small talk with friends, and just a few others still causing a bit of a scene laughing and carrying on. It looked as if it had been a rather chaotic night, and when Remus sat at the end of the bar where several people were spaced out, he received a draught of his favorite domestic beer from a relieved-looking bartender.
"It's nice to see a familiar face," Aron said. He was a rough around the edges type, with just a very slight Irish accent. Remus had a feeling that Aron had a crush on him, but neither of them had ever made a move except for light flirting whenever Remus came in. "Been a crazy night," he said.
"Looks like it," Remus said with a small smile.
"Looks like it's been a crazy night for you, too," Aron commented.
"Yeah," was all Remus said. Taking that as a hint that Remus didn't want to talk about it, Aron walked over to his bottles of hard liquor, poured two shots of whiskey, and set one in front of Remus and the other in front of him. "This one's on me," he said with a charming smile. "Seems like we could both use it." Remus smiled his thanks, clanked his glass against Aron's, and downed the shot quickly. It burned going down, but Remus didn't mind.
Several more minutes passed with Remus staring into his third glass of beer. He could feel himself becoming drunk, but he needed the numbing. He didn't want to think about Severus anymore. Truthfully, he knew he shouldn't be thinking about Sirius, either, but it was much better than thinking about the mistake he had made with his ex hours before.
After nearly a half hour at the bar, four beers, and two shots of whiskey, Aron walked towards him and placed what looked like another whiskey shot in front of him. Remus held his hand up in protest, knowing he'd already had too much, but Aron said, "It's not from me." He nodded toward the other side of the bar, and Remus rolled his eyes. Did he look at all like he was up for any amount of flirtation? It was pretty clear that he had rolled out of bed and come here, and all he had been doing since he arrived was staring at the inside of his glass. Obviously, whoever had given him this drink didn't know when someone was just there to get drunk. Deciding to at least be a little polite, Remus leaned forward to smile in thanks to whoever who had given him the drink. What he saw nearly stopped his heart.
As soon as he got one look at the person that he was certain had sent him the drink, he shot backwards to block himself from view. "Fuck," he whispered. He tried to toss his hair and straighten his clothes in order to make himself look a bit more presentable, but it was useless. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck," he whispered harshly.
"Friend of yours?" Aron asked him.
"Sort of," Remus muttered. He felt like he was frozen in place. If he moved even an inch, Remus was sure he would faint.
"He's looking down here," Aron said with a small smile. "I think he wants you to come down there." He looked to the end of the bar and then back at Remus. "He's cute," Aron added.
"Uh…" Remus began fumbling with his wallet, and he pulled out several bills and laid them on the bar. "Thanks, Aron," he said. "I have to go."
"Oh—okay, well, see you around, Remus," Aron said with a slight wave and a surprised look on his face.
Without turning back, Remus jumped from his seat at the bar and rushed out. His hands were shaking and his heart was racing faster than it ever had before. Remus was barely out of the bar when he felt a strong hand grip his upper arm. Remus jumped violently and turned around.
"Remus—"
"Sirius!" Remus nearly screamed. He had been so caught off guard by the touch that he nearly wet himself. Remus could feel how drunk he was, but he tried to keep his composure. "Wh-what are you doing here?"
Sirius smiled and Remus almost melted. "I didn't know you lived in Brooklyn," Sirius said, ignoring Remus's question.
Remus turned and began to walk in the direction of his apartment, and Sirius followed him. "Yeah, well, I know exactly where you live, and it's nowhere near here. What are you doing here?" Remus asked again.
"I couldn't sleep," Sirius said conversationally. "And I wanted to get out of the house—"
"And you figured you'd slum it?" Remus said, slightly cruelly. Sirius looked taken aback. Both of them knew the double meaning in Remus's comment. Remus blushed at his meanness, but Sirius quickly composed himself.
"No…" he said slowly. "I just figured that no one I knew would be down here," he shrugged. "But then I saw you."
Sirius was walking dangerously close to Remus, but Remus did not have the will power to pull himself away. They were walking as close as they could without touching, and Remus could practically feel the heat radiating from Sirius's body. It was clear to Remus that Sirius was as drunk, if not more drunk than he was, but it was truly Sirius's smell that was so intoxicating. The smell of his cologne, his body, and the alcohol made for a dangerous mix that made Remus feel like he was walking on air.
"Yeah," Remus said breathily.
"God, you smell good."
For a moment, Remus thought the words had come out of his own mouth. He covered his mouth stupidly in embarrassment until he realized it was Sirius who had spoken. Sirius pulled his hands away and used Remus's wrists to guide him to a nearby wall right before Remus was pushed between the wall and Sirius, and Remus felt Sirius's lips press against his. Remus whimpered and immediately opened his mouth against Sirius's. The kiss was wet and lustful, and Remus felt like he was floating. Sirius pulled Remus forcefully by his hips to the alleyway right next to them without detaching his mouth from Remus's. Remus's heart was thumping so hard in his chest that he thought for sure that it would pop out. His stomach was in excited knots as he felt his arms being lifted above his head. Remus wrapped his legs around Sirius's waist, and Sirius pushed himself closer to Remus.
Sirius's tongue was soft and big, and it seemed to know all the crevices of Remus's mouth. Sirius bit down on Remus's bottom lip, causing Remus to push his hips against Sirius's. Sirius moaned quietly, and then he moved his mouth away from Remus's. Both of them were breathing heavily as Sirius began to lightly suck on Remus's neck. Remus sighed deeply and moved his hands to the top of Sirius's head, and Sirius continued to suck on Remus's neck until he had left several red spots along the way.
Several more moments passed before Sirius pulled his mouth away from Remus's neck. He pushed Remus's legs down to the ground and sunk down to his knees. When he began to unbutton Remus's pants, Remus stopped him.
"Sirius," he gasped out. "You're drunk."
Sirius just looked at him briefly before he said, "So are you," and went back to undoing Remus's pants. Remus tried to stop him again, but Sirius would have none of it. The moment Sirius's mouth enveloped Remus's cock, Remus moaned and immediately stopped trying to inhibit Sirius from what he was doing. Sirius smiled at Remus's sudden change of heart, and pulled his mouth away from Remus's member.
"Sirius, don't stop…" Remus moaned.
With a smile, Sirius kissed the tip of Remus's head right before he slid his tongue across Remus's long shaft. Remus was incredibly hard and Sirius was incredibly hungry. It had been years since he had seen a man like this, and Sirius was overcome with desire. He marveled at the specimen in front of him for a moment before he slipped his mouth around it and took Remus all the way into his mouth.
"Fuck," Remus groaned. His arms were at his sides, and his hands were pressed against the brick wall behind him as Sirius moved his mouth along Remus's cock. Remus said in a broken and strained voice, "S-Sirius… We shouldn't be d-doing this…" But when Sirius pulled his mouth away from Remus's cock and rose up a bit, Remus put his hands on Sirius's head and pushed Sirius back down. Sirius smiled at Remus's desire and continued sucking on Remus's member and stroking him as he did so. Just a few seconds later, Remus began to tremble a bit more violently than he had been seconds previous and when he muttered Sirius name and said, "I…" Sirius knew that Remus was close. Sirius quickened his hand movements and began to suck harder as Remus neared his peak. A second later, Sirius moved his hands to either side of Remus's hips and began to move his mouth up and down the full length of Remus's cock quickly and roughly. Remus moaned loudly, and Sirius hoped that no one was around to hear him, but he couldn't help but feel pride that it was he who was making Remus come undone. Then, with a loud shuddering moan, Remus shook violently with orgasm and came into Sirius's mouth. Sirius swallowed everything Remus had to offer, licked Remus clean, and wiped his mouth before he stood up and kissed Remus. Normally, Remus did not want to kiss after an episode like this, but there was something oddly sexual and thrilling about the taste of himself in Sirius's mouth.
Finally, Remus pushed Sirius's off of him with a smile, zipped his pants up, and walked out of the alley. He turned back, ready to take Sirius's hand in his and guide him back to his apartment, but when he looked back, Sirius was gone.
A moment later, Remus jolted up in his bed, drenched in sweat, cock hard, and sheets dampened in a few spots. Remus groaned angrily, pushed himself out of bed, and went to his shower. When he realized he had never left his bed and that it had been a dream, Remus wanted to throw his fist through the marble tiling of his shower. Instead, he let the cold water wash over him as he tried to keep the dream alive in his head.
Just a quick note: I apologize for Severus's dialog in the first flashback. I'm not good at writing "mean" dialog, but I did the best I could in my attempt to portray his verbal abuse.
Preview for Next chapter:
He started to say hello, but when the door opened, he stopped abruptly and the small, shy smile that he had been wearing slid off of his face. "Good morning, Mrs. Black," he said.