When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye,
Not a single word was said;
No final kiss to seal any seams
I had no idea of the state we were in.

I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness
And a wandering eye and a heaviness in my head.

But don't you remember?
Don't you remember
The reason you left me before?
Baby, please remember me once more.

-Adele

Chapter 19: Promise

Remus was completely on auto-pilot when he went back to his apartment. Priscilla knew about them. This changed everything. When it had been their secret, it was easy for Sirius to whisper into Remus's ear every night about how he was going to end things with her. When there was no fear of scandal, it was easy for the two of them to get their hopes up about the future. Now that she knew, this would change everything. What would she say—what would she do—in order to get Sirius to stay with her?

And Severus.

Remus felt his eyes burn with tears and he wiped them away angrily. Although he had been distracted during dinner, it was not lost on him how comfortable he felt being with Severus again. He had missed just being around his former lover, and now that Severus was sober, it was better than it ever had been. Remus had seriously thought that they would be able to be friends. He thought without the drugs, the alcohol, and the destructive relationship, things would be okay between them. Severus had ruined any chance the two of them ever had to be friends, and more than that, he had probably ruined any shot Remus and Sirius had at a real relationship. For that, Remus would never forgive him.

Sirius did not come back to Remus's apartment that night, and Remus did not hear anything from him. Because of what he knew, his nervousness and anxiety were only at a minimum. If Priscilla knew about their relationship, they would have quite a bit to hash out, and they would probably talk well into the night. That did not particularly worry Remus. It was normal.

The next afternoon when Remus was on his way to his final job of the day, and he checked his phone for probably the twentieth time that day only to find that there was still nothing from Sirius, Remus's blood pressure began to creep up. He was truly nervous now, and he felt like he had been trembling all day. His father had made a comment when he had been in his office earlier, but Remus said he'd just been feeling a little sick lately. His father had creased his brow and insisted that he take the rest of the day so the sickness did not get worse and Remus ended up out of work for a week, but Remus had insisted that he was fine. If he had taken the rest of the day, he would only be left with his thoughts, and that was the last thing he wanted.

Two days. It had been two days since he had heard anything from Sirius, and Remus began to feel the inner denial take over. No, Sirius wouldn't just leave him and not say anything. Maybe he was just upset about his break up with Priscilla so he needed time alone. Maybe he was just very busy with work, and he didn't need the added stress.

Remus Lupin, you are a fucking idiot. He's gone.

No. Remus refused to believe anything the voice in his head was telling him. Sirius had told him he loved him. He had revealed so much of himself to Remus, and he wouldn't throw that away. If he had decided to break up with him, he would have had enough respect for Remus to give him the courtesy of telling him to his face. He wouldn't just ignore him. Would he?

By day three, Remus was a wreck. On every job he went on, he would cry nearly throughout the entire thing. Remus wasn't a crier. Even as a kid he had rarely ever cried. John Lupin had so rarely seen Remus cry that when he saw him with red and watery eyes at work, he asked if he had seasonal allergies.

When he got home from work, he laid face down in his bed and sobbed into his pillow until he fell asleep from the exhaustion that the weeping had caused. The next day, Remus called his father and told him he was too sick to come in. His father willingly let Remus have the day off. That entire day, Remus had done nothing but cry. He couldn't believe that he had so many tears to cry. He truly loved Sirius with every part of his being. He was beautiful inside and out. He could make Remus laugh until his eyes leaked with tears. He was so passionate about being a lawyer, and that passion amazed, awed, and inspired Remus. He was so intelligent, and Remus had learned so much since they had been together. Not to mention the fact that Sirius could light a fire in Remus that would have him crying out and screaming in ecstasy every single night. After everything he had been through with Severus, he never thought he would be in a good relationship again. His relationships before Severus had not been good ones either… But then he met Sirius, and everything had changed. It had taken a long time for him to find a man a good as Sirius, and after everything, he deserved to be with a man like Sirius. He deserved to love and be loved, and he deserved for that love to be with Sirius. He had felt loved and wanted and special for the first time in so long. He had put his whole heart into loving Sirius. Every time he would lay his eyes on Sirius, it would be with a mixture of love, lust, and a little bit of disbelief. He couldn't believe that he had ever landed such an incredible man. And while he mourned the death of his relationship with the only man that had ever made him feel the way Sirius had made him feel, it was hard for Remus not to recall everything they had shared in such a short time. While he cried his mind raced through memories of the past few months.

"I hate that you do the crossword in pen."

Sirius laughed. "Why's that?" The two lovers were sitting across from each other sharing a breakfast that Sirius had made. Sirius was working on the New York Times crossword puzzle and Remus had been reading the nutrition facts on the orange juice carton when he had glanced up and began looking at the man he felt so lucky was sitting across from him.

"It's annoying how smart you are," Remus said simply. There was no malice in his voice. It was just the typical playful banter that he and Sirius exchanged every time they interacted.

Sirius laughed again. "I'm not that smart. I'm just well read. I know a lot of words, and I can never use that knowledge except when I do the crossword."

Remus shook his head.

Sirius looked up at him and gave him a mock frown. "Hey, don't feel bad baby. I could never trim a hedge the way you can." Sirius winked, and Remus couldn't help but burst into laughter.

Remus sobbed harder and harder. Never again would he be able to sit across the table from Sirius and feel like they had done it for years. Never again would they laugh over a glass of orange juice or share playful banter over a bowl of cereal. It was as if he was dying, and his entire life was flashing before his eyes. Except it wasn't his entire life. It was just the life he'd had with Sirius. The life that was never destined to be.

"Do you love me?"

"More than anything."

Sirius wrapped his arms tighter around Remus's waist and pulled him closer to him in bed. Remus shivered at the feeling of Sirius's hot breath on the back of his neck, and he pressed his bare back closer to Sirius's bare chest while running his fingers across Sirius's arms that were wrapped so tightly around him.

"Say it," Sirius whispered breathily, causing Remus to shiver again.

"I love you," Remus whispered.

Sirius smiled and kissed the back of Remus's neck.

"We should get away," Sirius said after a few moments of silence.

"Yeah?" said Remus. They were each whispering quietly as if sharing secrets.

"Yeah," Sirius whispered. "We should go to Florence. See some beautiful Renaissance art and architecture. Eat romantic dinners and take romantic walks every night. We'll rent a little villa up on a hill where we'll make love every night. We can forget about everything—work, friends, family… we'll just forget about everything except each other."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

After five days without hearing from Sirius, Remus reached a state of pure, unadulterated anger. He typed out several text messages that were laced with hatred but that he never ended up sending. He wrote out several messages that he intended to recite and leave on Sirius's voicemail although he never called him. He wrote three separate, long, angry letters detailing every single thing he hated about Sirius and what he had done to him. He told Sirius that he was selfish and cruel for what he had done and that he didn't deserve happiness.

You only bring misery to everyone around you, and for that, you don't deserve anything except for that same misery to be inflicted on you.

There a nice, fist-sized hole in his apartment wall that had temporary plaster over it, and the trash can in his kitchen held the remains of a shattered coffee cup that had become Sirius's favorite while he had stayed with Remus.

"Five days of nothing?" Remus had screamed to himself one evening while he drove home from work in thick traffic. "You aren't even going to have the decency to tell me to my face that you chose your wife AGAIN!" Then Remus had roared and slammed his fists into his steering wheel right before breaking into angry sobs. "No!" he screamed as he wiped the tears away angrily. "I won't shed any more tears over this. I won't." But even as he said it, his voice had broken on the last word. He was miserable, and he didn't know when he would ever be happy again.

It had been one week since Remus had spoken to Sirius, and Remus was now in a state of cool acceptance. He didn't think he would ever love fully again, but he was now trying to think back fondly on his time with Sirius and think that what they had had was good while it had lasted. It had been an affair to remember, and Remus wasn't going to cry over the end anymore. All good things must come to an end, Remus would tell himself.

"I can't believe you didn't tell me that he was your boyfriend when we had drinks with him and James," Lily was saying to Remus over dinner at her apartment. He hadn't talked to her since he'd last spoken to Sirius, but he had decided that a week was too long to spend avoiding his best friend and avoiding his real life, so he finally answered her calls, and she had told him to come over for dinner so they could talk. And talk they did. Remus had told her everything from the first moment he and Sirius had met up until the night when Sirius had told him he had to go see his wife. Lily had listened and reacted at all the right moments, and Remus had spoken not with anger or contempt but with the fondness of someone who was reliving a particularly old memory of a loved one who had passed.

"Yeah, well, I guess this is why I didn't tell anyone," Remus said with a shrug. "I always knew deep down that it would end this way."

Lily looked at him sadly but smiled. "You're very… Accepting of all of this," she said with a question in her voice.

Remus shrugged again. "I don't want to mourn."

Remus got home very late that night. He and Lily had talked over several glasses of wine about Sirius and everything that had happened until Remus had insisted on a change of subject and asked her about her relationship with James. She had lit up at that and eagerly told him everything that was going on between them and how happy she was. She had apologized throughout everything she said about James, but Remus told her not to apologize for being happy. "At least somebody is," he'd said. And was she ever. He couldn't remember seeing Lily so elated about a relationship before.

He smiled at the thought of his best friend's happiness as he put the key to his apartment in the lock and pushed the door open. Remus walked into his apartment and nearly screamed. His heart clenched and his stomach flipped over and over a million times. It was like he was seeing a ghost. He dropped his keys, and after staring briefly at the man in front of him, he bent down quickly to grab his keys, stood up straight again, and turned around and went back out to the hallway, slamming the door behind him. He wouldn't do this. It had taken a week for him to stop crying. He was still crying himself to sleep at night and he thought he probably would be for a very long time.

As he began descending the stairs quickly, Remus heard his apartment door open quickly.

"Remus!"

"You have some nerve, Sirius," Remus called out as he rushed down the stairs away from Sirius. Sirius chased after him.

"Remus, I'm sorry—"

"Go to hell," Remus said sharply. "You don't contact me for a week. A FUCKING WEEK, SIRIUS! And you expect me to just welcome you back with open arms?"

"No! I just…" Sirius was out of breath as he rushed down the stairs after Remus at a run. He tried to catch up to him but Remus had gotten too much of a head start and he was a flight below Sirius as they spiraled down to the bottom floor. Sirius looked down and tried to catch sight of Remus as much as he could as they descended. "We need to talk."

"Look, I can't listen to you break up with me. I got the fucking hint when you dropped off the face of the earth for a week." As they reached the ground floor, Remus whipped around to face Sirius, and Sirius nearly collided into him. "I can't stand there and listen to you tell me how you have a duty and a responsibility to your wife. I can't listen to you tell me how you loved me and you'll never forget what he had—"

"Well, I love you and I never will forget what we have," Sirius said, making sure he emphasized the present tense. He had a small smile on his face. Remus shook his head as he felt the anger flare up inside him.

"I can't, Sirius." He turned and went to exit the building.

"Remus—" Sirius reached out and grabbed Remus's upper arm to bring him back.

"I know about Andrew," Remus said as he tried to yank his arm out of Sirius's grip. Sirius suddenly tensed and released Remus's arm. Remus didn't care. He wasn't going to let Sirius sweet talk him into a break up after ignoring him for a week. "You told me that you cheated on Priscilla in college, but before that, I found the letter he wrote to you, and I read it." Sirius opened his mouth to speak, but Remus continued. "I know I shouldn't have read it, but I couldn't help myself, and… I won't stand here while you feed me the same bullshit lines that you fed to him—"

"It's different with you," Sirius said quietly.

"Is it?" Remus's voiced sounded so loud compared to the softness of Sirius's. "Because it feels a whole fucking lot like déjà vu. You loved him, and you love me, and she's still in the picture—that's what it all comes down to, so no, it's not different." Remus turned around again and this time he was quick enough to escape Sirius's attempts to hold him back. Once they were out on the sidewalk outside his building, Sirius called after him.

"I need to say what I came to say, Remus!"

"No!" Remus called as he stormed away. "I can't."

"Remus—"

Remus stopped and turned around to face him. "How dare you!" he shouted. "How dare you have the audacity to come here after putting me through seven days of hell and expect ANYTHING from me! What did you think would happen, Sirius? That I would just forgive you instantly and listen to everything you have to say? Think again." Remus turned away, but then turned back and pointed I finger in Sirius's face. "I lov—" his voice broke. "I loved you, Sirius. I still do. I love you so much that it hurts. But I won't let you do this to me. I don't deserve this."

"I know that, Remus, and I'm so sorry." He reached out his arms to embrace Remus, but Remus slapped them away.

"Don't," he growled.

Sirius dropped his arms quickly. "I know I don't deserve anything from you, but it's taken me a week to figure out what to say to you, and I really need to say it."

"No."

"Remus—"

"No, I—"

"Please."

"No, Sirius! I won't listen to you clear your conscience!"

"Just please… Please hear me out."

Remus saw the tears brimming in Sirius's eyes, and as much as he wanted to hate him—as much as he wanted to scream at him and hit him and leave him standing on the sidewalk alone—he still loved him. And as much as he wanted to walk away, a part of him wanted to hear what Sirius had to say for himself. Remus folded his arms across his chest in assent and waited for Sirius to speak. Sirius sighed then took a deep breath. He closed his eyes momentarily before he opened them to look at Remus.

"I've known Priscilla since I was born. Our families have known each other for generations, and so we knew each other from day one. Since the day each of us was born, family and friends told us that we would get married. 'Oh, Prissy and Siri,' they would say—'they'll make such an adorable couple.' And we both believed it… When we were in high school, we went on our first real date, and it felt good. It felt natural and safe and normal. We've always been best friends. Other than James, she's always been my closest friend. We would tell everything to the other, and the thing was… I didn't even have to tell her for her to understand me. James and I… James is so supportive, and he's down to earth, and he's fun, and we've gotten into so much trouble together, but Priscilla… She got me, you know. She understood what I wanted and what I needed without me even telling her what it was that I wanted or needed. She understood my fears and reservations without me even voicing them. She understood my feelings as if I was wearing a sign on my forehead that said, 'I'm feeling insecure today.' That was the difference between her and James, and I… I needed her.

"And then I met Andrew, and he was…" Sirius sighed and Remus stayed still and silent with his arms crossed in front of him. Neither of them noticed their surroundings or seemed to care that they were standing in the middle of a New York sidewalk at 2am. "He opened my eyes, Remus, and for the first time in my life I felt… I felt like I was the person I was supposed to be… I had been blind before I met him. I had always felt like something was missing, but I never thought it was my true sexual orientation. I had never really looked at anybody—male or female—other than Priscilla because I knew that one day she would be my wife. Andy helped me see. He made realize what life could really be like. It was the first time I had been truly happy. We were together for seven months before Priscilla found out, and when she did, I made a mistake. I chose to continue living a lie with her because I was afraid… afraid of everything. I didn't know what my family would do, I didn't know what people would say, and frankly I didn't know if I could live my life without Priscilla. I wasn't ready, Remus. I wasn't ready to make this drastic change that would turn my life as I knew it upside down. I wasn't ready to let myself go and be happy. I wasn't ready, then… but I'm ready now."

Remus's eyes widened slightly and he knit his brow together in a frown of confusion. Sirius smiled weakly and shook his head. "You're not getting what I'm saying, are you…?" Sirius paused briefly as if considering his next words and ran his hands down the front of his shirt to smooth it out. Remus tried not to notice the outline of Sirius's abs when he did so. Sirius huffed before continuing. "Priscilla made me an offer…" Remus felt his arms go temporarily numb, but he listened intently. "She told me that I can stay married to her, and have and keep up the appearance of a normal life. We can stay married and have children, and we can still be the perfect New York socialite couple that fits into all of the best social circles the way our families and we had always intended. We'll do that, but she'll give me something in return… An open relationship. We'll have our old life but I'll still be able to pursue relationships with men on the side. We won't discuss it or acknowledge it, but for two days a week, I'll be free to do anything I please with any man that I want." A flash of anger crossed Remus's face, and he opened his mouth to respond, but Sirius held up a hand to silence him as he continued. "It seems almost too good to be true—keeping the life that I've always known while having free reign to be with any man I want without consequence… But here's the thing, Remus…" Sirius grinned. "I don't want just any man, and I don't want two days a week, and I don't want the life I've always known." Sirius took a step closer to Remus and Remus held his ground. "I want you, and I want every day of the week for the rest of my life, and I definitely don't want the life I had. The life I had before you was nothing. It was full of unreachable expectations and suppression of who I really am and what I really want. Before you, every day was mundane and barely livable. It was a chore to just do basic things and get through the day because there was nothing to look forward to. But then I met you and everything changed. Suddenly, the sun shone a little brighter and colors seemed more vibrant and flowers smelled more enticing, and life became… better." Sirius reached forward and grabbed Remus's hands in his. "Life without you… God, I don't even want to imagine that life because now that I've gotten a taste of what life is like with you, I will never go back.

"Now…" Sirius sighed and blinked slowly. "Now I need to apologize like I never have before." Sirius smirked at the stunned look on Remus's face. The brown haired man could not even begin to form words. "I'll admit that all of this didn't just come to me in a flash… At first, Priscilla's offer seemed… good. It was as if all my problems would be solved, but I needed time to think. It took me three days in a hotel to get everything sorted out and figure out what I wanted to do. My father was livid that I hadn't come into work, and he threatened to fire me, but I saved him the trouble and I quit." Remus gasped and his mouth dropped open. Sirius chuckled. "I should have done it a long time ago. I never wanted to work there, and the Riddle case and everything with my brother… That was just the last straw. When I say that I'm done with my old life, I mean it. I'm starting fresh, and working at Black and Associates is anything but fresh." The grin that had taken over Sirius's face finally slipped a little. "After I did that, there was the matter of my dear wife… That night that I talked to you and told you that I was going over there, I had planned to give her the divorce papers that night, but then with everything… After I had figured everything out and realized what I wanted, I went back to give her the papers, and needless to say, she was not happy." Sirius grimaced. "We fought… Well, mostly she screamed and I listened, but after almost half a day of yelling, I finally got her to understand, and there's a chance… I mean, maybe we might be able to be friends after all of this… After some time…" Sirius smiled sadly and continued. "So, I moved most of my things out, and that took a little while, and Priscilla and I talked some more, and then I was finally able to get some peace…

"But Remus, I'm sorry," Sirius took another step closer and held Remus's hands tighter. "That was three days ago, and I shouldn't have left you in the dark for so long. After quitting my job and ending things with Priscilla, I just needed time to think. Three days might have been excessive, but after a lifetime with Priscilla and my father, I just felt a little spent. I should have come to you and told you everything because I know you would have been there to support me, but I just wasn't in a good state of mind. It was James who finally convinced me yesterday to get my head out of my ass and come see you, so… here I am." Sirius got down on one knee in front of Remus, and Remus's eyes widened further. "Here I am on bended knee begging you to forgive me for everything I've put you through, begging you to forgive me for falling off the face of the earth, begging you to forgive me for even considering Priscilla's offer, and begging you to spend the rest of your life with me."

Remus felt his heart beating madly against his chest, and for the first time in what felt like ages, Remus spoke. "What—" Remus croaked out, and he cleared his throat. "What are you saying, Sirius?"

Sirius smiled widely and looked up at the man he had fallen so crazy in love with. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a flat, square box. He dropped Remus's hands briefly so that he could open it. He shrugged and stared at the box while he fiddled with it. "I don't really know the protocol for proposing to man." He laughed nervously. "This is also what I did during this past week… I didn't think a ring was the right thing, so…" He opened the box to reveal a thin bracelet made of pure gold. It had square chain links connected to a flat piece of gold that Remus could tell had some sort of engraving on it. Remus knew he wouldn't be able to hold the tears back and he didn't care when they began to fall freely. He stared down at Sirius while Sirius spoke. "So, what do you say…? I know we've only known each other for a few months, and I know I was an asshole, but I want to marry you… Being with you is like nothing I've ever felt before, and I don't want to spend another day not knowing for certain that I'm going to be with you forever. I just think when you love someone, you shouldn't have to wait, you should just—"

Sirius was broken off when Remus had knelt down in front of him quickly and taken Sirius's face into his hands so he could pull him into a kiss. His hands were shaking, and his knees were digging into the concrete, but Remus didn't care as he opened his mouth and granted Sirius's eager tongue entrance. He sighed and trembled. Suddenly it didn't matter that Sirius had been absent for a week, and it didn't matter what was said between him and Priscilla. It didn't matter that Severus had revealed their secret, and it didn't matter that they had only known each other for a few months. Remus loved this man, and he wasn't going to waste his time hating him and being mad at him or questioning things when this man wanted to marry him.

After a long time on their knees kissing on the sidewalk, Sirius broke apart from Remus's mouth and Remus released a choked sob that he had been holding in. "Remus…" Sirius sighed as he began nuzzling Remus and kissing him all over his face and neck. Remus cried while his hands roamed Sirius's arms and back and tried to get their bodies closer together. "God, Remus," Sirius said in between kisses. "I'm so sorry." Kiss, kiss. "I'll never put you through that again." Kiss, kiss, kiss. "I love you." Kiss. "I love you." Kiss. "I love you so much." Kiss, kiss, kiss. "Forgive me." Kiss. "Marry me." Sirius trailed kisses up Remus's neck. "Marry me."

"Yes," Remus sighed as Sirius lit his skin on fire with each kiss. Sirius pulled away so he could look at Remus. Their faces were so close that their noses were almost touching, and Sirius's eyes searched Remus's.

"What?"

"Yes," Remus whispered. "I'll marry you."

A smile broke across Sirius's face and he laughed giddily. "You will?" Remus nodded, and Sirius stood up and pulled Remus up and into a tight embrace. Both men had tears in their eyes as they held each other close. A moment later, Sirius pulled away and began to do a strange sort of happy dance on the sidewalk. He laughed and whooped merrily with tears in his eyes. Remus wiped away his own tears and laughed as he watched Sirius. My god, I fucking love him.

"I'm going to marry this man!" Sirius shouted. The only other person around was an old homeless man sitting in front of an apartment building across the street. The man looked up.

"Get a room!" he shouted at them. Sirius and Remus both looked at the man in stunned silence, neither knowing that he had been there a moment earlier, and then they each burst into laughter and embraced once again.

As they each held each other, Remus pulled back and placed his forehead against Sirius's. "We should get a room," he said quietly. "Let's go upstairs." Sirius nodded but then noticed that he was still holding the box with the bracelet he had gotten Remus for their engagement.

"Hang on," he said. He pulled the bracelet out of the box and put the box under his arm to free up his hands. He took Remus's arm and lifted it so he could put on the bracelet. After he did so, he ran a finger gently across Remus's wrist and Remus looked down at the bracelet. He angled his wrist so that light would shine on the engraving and he read the inscription out loud.

"To my Remus and the many more spectacular views to come.
I love you.
–S"

Remus looked up at Sirius with a fresh batch of tears in his eyes. Sirius leaned in and placed a tender kiss on Remus's lips—the kind of kiss that Remus had loved since Sirius's lips had first touched his.

"I love you," Remus whispered. And with that, Sirius took Remus's hand and guided his fiancé up the stairs and into their new life together.

Preview for next chapter:

"Are you happy?"