Chapter Five

Anakin was still sad about leaving his mother, and his intuitive nature told him his feelings would never disappear. It was a crushing sort of sadness, one that he felt could devour his entire being if he allowed it to do so. His emotions could be so strong sometimes, so intense…but if he were to be a Jedi, he simply couldn't allow such an internal destruction to happen. Not yet, anyway. Maybe someday later, when he was in complete private without fear of being discovered by those who may be his masters in the future.

Master… he thought the word to himself, and pondered its new meaning. He had belonged to masters all his life, but this time he was free. The word "master" was good now, and was almost interchangeable with "teacher" rather than "owner" as it had been in the past. His eyes caught sight of Qui-Gon's padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi, walking in the older man's shadow, a few paces behind. Anakin frowned slightly at the sight, but then returned his thoughts to the here and now, just as Qui-Gon had instructed him.

They were walking off of their ship, now entering the new and shiny world of Coruscant. Quite simply, Anakin was wonderstruck. After living on Tatooine his entire life, he had grown accustomed to seeing only cities intermixed with sand and the low lives that reflected the scum of the galaxy. He supposed in his wildest dreams he had imagined a city like Coruscant, but the reality was so much better and bigger than he even thought possible. There was no city on Coruscant, because the entire planet was a city. The entire planet!

He smiled, remembering that he had told Qui-Gon that he planned on visiting every place in the galaxy. Well, it seemed as if he could now cross Coruscant off of his list. But now he was being ushered along to follow the rest of their group as they made their way toward new transports. Apparently they weren't quite done traveling yet.

Anakin turned to look over his shoulder, and realized that Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan were now behind him a few paces. His thoughts had distracted him from noticing the absence of the two men, and now he caught Qui-Gon's eye, trying to gauge if he were to remain with the queen and her escorts or follow the Jedi. Qui-Gon waved him on, and though Anakin was curious, he didn't question the man's decision. Qui-Gon still wanted to make him a Jedi. Maybe the timing just wasn't right yet.

Instead he followed the queen, Padmé, Jar Jar and the others. Anakin let his thoughts begin to wander again as they settled into their new transports, and he was caught between watching two sights; he wanted to stare at the beauty of Coruscant around him, but his eyes kept drifting back toward Padmé. He didn't know how much longer he would be around the girl, but he didn't really want to waste any of their time together. He was sure he could look at Padmé all day and never get bored.

When he had first met her, he has asked her if she was an angel. He felt a little foolish for the comment now, realizing that it probably made him look like a silly little boy to her. But he wasn't a silly little boy! And somehow, deep inside his heart, he knew that he would marry Padmé one day. He had told her so himself. Maybe it was Jedi intuition. He wondered if Master Qui-Gon had a wife. He would ask the older man later, as well as about his intuition about Padmé.

But for now, she was the queen's handmaiden, and they were both just children anyway, really. He was almost ten, and Padmé was…well, he didn't actually know how old Padmé was, but either way he was going to marry her and it was going to be beautiful.

He let his mind wander back to the cityscape for a moment. Maybe he and Padmé could live on Coruscant together…

Just as the happy thoughts of Padmé and his future life had saved him, they were ripped away and replaced once again with the crushing sadness.

After hours of waiting on the queen and other politicians with Jar Jar, Anakin had grown restless. Finally it seemed that everyone was stopping for a break, and Anakin hoped he could find Padmé and talk to her again. But Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan had reappeared, informing him that he was now to come to the Jedi Temple to be tested. He had burst into a bundle of nerves and excitement, and had just about followed the Jedi out of the building when he remembered something. He hadn't said goodbye to Padmé.

Anakin had rushed back into the building upon Qui-Gon's reluctant agreement, and he had frantically raced around until he found the queen. Acting as professional and polite as possible, he asked her where he could find Padmé. But it was too late. She was out running errands, and he was now to go back with the Jedi.

Just like that, their goodbyes were forgotten. Deep inside, he knew he would see her again one day, but it was mixed with uncertainty and sadness. The queen said some comforting words in her regal monotone, but it did nothing to make him feel better. Then all he could think about was how everyone he cared about was leaving his life. First his mother, now Padmé… it was hard for Anakin to bury his feelings after that.

Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan could sense that he was upset, but he brushed it off as nerves. He knew they could sense he was lying, but he didn't care. He still wanted to ask Qui-Gon if he had ever been in love, and if he had a wife, but now was not the time. Besides, Anakin didn't feel comfortable speaking about such matters in front of padawan Kenobi anyway.

Now he stood, surrounded by members of the Jedi council. To say he was intimidated was a bit of an understatement, but he tried to be brave. He passed all of their tests easily, and gained confidence as they moved along, until they started asking about his life and his feelings. Was it really so bad to miss his mother? Was it really so bad to have the emotions that the entirety of the council seemed to lack? And was it really that bad to be afraid?

Everyone was afraid sometimes, right?

He certainly was afraid now. He tried desperately to hide it, but he figured it was almost a hopeless attempt in a room full of powerful and skilled Jedi. Though he didn't like their seeming contempt for him, he was still enamored with the idea of becoming one of them. These were Jedi. He could think of no better idol. His mind still buzzed with the idea until his ears finally caught up with the conversation around him.

"No," Master Mace Windu said solemnly. "He will not be trained."

In that instant, the crushing sadness came back. Only now it was a thousand times more devastating. Suddenly his eyes were very hot and he was very aware of everyone in the room watching him.

"No?" Qui-Gon asked incredulously. Anakin could almost feel the shock roll off of the other man, just as he could sometimes feel fear in others. Other than Qui-Gon's shock, he himself wasn't feeling much of anything. He was numb. He didn't even listen to the rest of the heated conversation.

At some point Qui-Gon rested his hands on Anakin's shoulders, and he was led out of the council chamber. Anakin watched where his feet were moving, but he didn't think much of where they were going. He still felt so…empty. No, the crushing sadness filled the emptiness. But no, he was hollow, nothing.

Too much.

There was just too much.

So he shut down and let Qui-Gon lead him, like a ship on autopilot. What did it matter? His life was always being controlled by others anyway. He might as well just shut down and go along for the ride.