Disclaimer:
- I do not own 86. All credit for the series and its characters goes to its respective creators.

A/N:
I haven't read the novels for 86, but I would love to, so this fic is based on the anime. It's basically a short story what-if scenario after the anime ends.
I couldn't help myself—I had to write something for this series to show my appreciation. Even though this series seems super niche, I just wanted to write this, so I did. It's not my best work, but I've enjoyed writing it thus far.

Six months had passed since Shin and his surviving friends had been united with Handler One, also known as Lena. The Spearhead Squadron continued to operate under Lena's command, marching further into the depths of Legion-controlled territory. Yet, although Shin had discovered his reason to live after grasping the revelation that he had not been abandoned by everyone he'd fought with during the battle against Kiriya Nouzen, he had also recently come to a realization that rendered him nonplussed.

Saffron twilight drenched the sky, crowning its drifting bundles of cotton in highlighter streaks of liquid fire. A vibrant, piercing orange radiated from the eagle's beak of the sun severed by the horizon. Beneath the ginkgo tree just outside Shin's window, golden flecks danced over the ink-brushed sea of grass.

"Captain Nouzen?" queried Lena, who sat beside Shin at his desk.

Snapping the halcyon world outside of his window with the blink of his eyes, Shin directed his attention to Lena, who was pushing the battle report he'd written towards him. He glanced down at the paper, and then into Lena's silver eyes.

"Ah, sorry… Shin, I meant," Lena corrected herself while expelling a sigh. "Is something bothering you?"

Shin shook his head and cast his gaze to the table. I've had fun with you and everyone else, he thought. I can recognize that much. But I know I'm still going to be left behind. If I were to die right now, I wouldn't be unhappy.

Shin replied, "Sorry. It's nothing." He removed the white scarf hugging his neck and tossed it onto his bed.

Lena's eyes focused on the scarring around Shin's neck. "Your friends told me you've found a reason to live." She smiled as Shin nodded. "That's wonderful! Please give it your best, Shin."

"It's all your fault!"

Shin closed his eyes. "I will. Thank you, Captain." He mustered up a smile.

When I give my best to live and fight, I'm left behind, he thought to himself. Not always, but ultimately, that's the end result. I'll always fight with my best, but…

"None of us will forget you. Even though I'll never know the pain you live with every waking moment, I'll shoulder it with you." A faint hint of pink mantled Lena's cheeks. "I've lived the easy life, watching from afar and always being guaranteed safety for too long. But now, even though it's still a cruel world I'm adapting to, it's strengthened my resolve to fight with you and the others until the end." She nodded, meeting Shin's dull, blood-red eyes.

"I'm glad. We've seen how much more confident you are now."

"I don't want to die."

Lena averted her gaze. "I never would've been able to live with myself if I didn't at least try. It was the least I could do for all of you, and for myself." She nudged her index finger back and forth against the wooden desk. "If I'd stayed the White Pig was, I wouldn't be here right now. I'm so happy to be with you guys… I still can't believe I didn't realize it was you when I saw you for the first time. You're…" Lena's breaths came to a halt as her cheeks flushed with red.

Shin felt a familiar warmth ensconce his heart like a scarf. This weird feeling again… I only get it around her. I want to hold it close and never let go. But in a few minutes, it'll be gone. In a matter of time, the happiness I feel with everyone… The embers flickering in his chest were promptly extinguished by a cold chill as the final vestiges of light from the sun dissolved into the sky.

"Are you all right?" Shin inquired, exhaling slowly.

Lena nodded swiftly. "I-It's nothing. If anything, I should be asking you that, Shin."

"SHIN!"

"I'm doing all right, Captain," Shin reassured his Handler.

I am, he told himself. I feel no different.

Curling her index finger into her palm to create a loose fist, Lena sighed, "Lately, I've felt a change in you. Even though you have moments of being happy, it seems like your voice becomes so hollow afterwards." Her pupils remained fixed on the desk as her expression drooped. "It's almost like you punish yourself for being happy."

"Please save me…"

"Kill me!"

"It's all your fault!"

Why would I deserve to be happy when I've killed so many people? Shin abruptly realized. Even though you've said it isn't selfish for me to be happy, I still don't understand.

Shin shrugged. "I haven't changed a bit."

Lena furrowed her brows. "One of your friends asked me to make sure you don't die." Her voice was a blade of ice.

A smile gently tugged at Shin's lips. "Is that so? I'm not going to hang myself tomorrow, or at any point."

"That's not what I meant." Varnished with a fiery frost, Lena's words singed Shin's psyche. "Shin, we all care about you. We would all be devastated and angry to lose you."

"Shinei!"

"Princess!"

Shin felt something sour ripple through his chest. "I heard similar things from most of the people I've shot to death," he uttered with no emotion. "I've accomplished everything I wanted that held me down. I carried and put to rest all of my fallen comrades as well. I'm content like this." He noticed how Lena's eyes gleamed with liquid glass.

I've also accomplished everything that gave me a reason to fight. Now, I live for the people around me. But if I'm not living for anything that I want, what point—

Lena released a long, slow sigh. "Then why is it that you keep fighting?"

For a while, Shin did not respond, and his silence was augmented by the faint buzz of the light in his room. "To continue on with my friends and honor the deaths of those I fought alongside." His arid words shattered on the floor.

"Because you want to, or because they want you to?"

"But you also weren't planning on coming back alive."

I still don't really want anything, Shin reminded himself. I don't want to live, but I don't want to die. I don't want to suffer, but I don't want to be happy. I don't want to try, but I don't want to fail. He squinted his eyes. Why did I survive? Why was I never killed? Why didn't anyone kill me when they had the chance? Why was I allowed to live while everyone else died?

"So, you're living for us?" Lena's voice was soft like a cat's pelt, and yet, it possessed a dim, dripping quality.

Once again, Shin held his silence while his tempestuous thoughts continued to clash in his head like feral dogs. Why is it that the people who wanted to live were killed, but I, someone who's only lived to fulfill duties, is still here? I feel like I'm only half alive. Even if the fun times are fun…I only feel emptier when they're gone.

With another sigh that carried the weight of a thousand petals, Lena folded her curled hands into her lap. "I'm happy—and honored, too—that that reason is keeping you going, but…" She paused and took a deep breath in. "If you're not living for yourself, can you really call that living?"

Shin raised his brows as his eyes met Lena's eyes. "This is the life I'm most accustomed to," he responded.

"Even so, that doesn't mean it's a life you want to live."

"I'll kill you!"

"It's all your fault!"

Shin did not reply. While the pale yellow fountain of light from his lamp flickered every few seconds, he listened to the hiss of the wind. Amalgamations of black hooks scraped against the window.

Lena brought either fist to her chest. "Shin, it's all right if you're struggling. No one can blame you for that. But it weighs on us too to know you're not yourself." Her somber, stormy eyes flicked to Shin's hands. "I'm aware that…there's not a lot we can do to help, but as a human and as your Handler, I also feel that it's my responsibility to help wherever I can. So, my next request is to say what's been on your mind."

Shin blinked. "Understood. I'd like to apologize for worrying you." He sieved the red poppy flower on his windowsill.

"I'll catch you."

"N-No, no, you're usually the one to check in with me anyway. It's… Nevermind. But I digress, please, continue."

I don't want to say what's been on my mind, but if it's a request from her, it'll suffice as another reason to continue. At least, for this immediate moment. The next time I fight in my Juggernaut…

"I won't forget you."

It kind of hurts. "I've been thinking about why I'm here," Shin finally admitted, feeling a simultaneous increase and release of pressure around his chest. "You have no intention of dying, right, Captain?" He observed as Lena nodded. "You fought for the right to stand here. You did what you believed in and gave it your all. You serve a purpose we can all see." His eyes narrowed. "What purpose do I serve other than to serve others? And even then, it's not particularly that I want to. It's just a reason to fight that I don't necessarily disagree with."

"I don't want to die…"

"It hurts."

"SHIN!"

A frigid jolt shot through Shin's body when he felt something abruptly touch his shoulder. "Shin." Calm yet endless and vigorous, the voice that rent the sloshing echo of voices in Shin's head continued to pool into his ears like thick, liquid ribbons. "Your question is something only you can answer. If you don't know right now, and you died tomorrow before knowing, would you be okay with that?" Her long, platinum hair brushed over Shin's knees.

I wouldn't care, cogitated Shin. But, at the same time, it would be insulting to the people who died and wanted to live. As I am, just by living, I'm a walking reason to die. He began to feel the pink warmth emanating from his Handler.

"I guess I'd be indifferent," Shin replied.

"Do you want to be indifferent to something like that?"

Shin's eyes widened, splintering the circumference of his pupils. But if I were to no longer be indifferent, I wouldn't be me anymore. I've been this way since that day. It's practically all I've ever known. He glimpsed into Lena's tranquil eyes. I still don't have anything I want. I'm still…the same as I've always been.

"I know you think of yourself as the indifferent Reaper, but you're still a human with feelings. I know you can still feel. I know you care about your friends." Lena slowly withdrew her warm, pale hand. "You never had to go out of your way to give me those white lilies. You don't have to check in with me to see if I'm okay. You don't have to fight with us at all. But you are, and you did. If you really are indifferent…"

Leaning back and sitting upright, Lena reached for her right hip. With a click, a recoil, and a lock, she pointed the pistol in her hand at Shin's forehead. Then, reversing the direction of the muzzle, Lena offered Shin her loaded pistol with a soft, eerie smile.

"Shoot me."