Since his little outburst, a reserved hush had once again descended upon them. He was unsure when it happened, but Castle now found himself seated on the elevator floor leaning on the opposite wall to Kate. Their outstretched legs ran alongside each other, never touching – a very real representation of the parallel nature of the relationship each had been pursuing.
"Castle, just say something. Please!" Kate's voice faltered before it found its metaphorical feet and stood up to be heard. Her plea was met by a half-hearted chuckle from her counterpart. "What's so funny?"
"Nothing. I just never thought I'd hear the day you told me I had to say more instead of less."
"Well, miracles do happen I guess." The hint of a smile passed over Kate's lips as she sought to catch his eyes, establish a connection – no such luck.
"I used to think so too." Muttered Castle, eyes fixed solidly on his bloody fist and the vast array of splinters puncturing his skin. Beckett employed another 'Detective-ism', kept silent in the hope it would urge him to continue without further prompt or questioning. Castle took his cue. "I was happy waiting for you…had this crazy idea that one day we would have a shot at a life together…what a fool." His thoughts were overflowing, pouring through his mouth with no real consideration behind them. For once in his life, Richard Castle wasn't thinking his words into a story – this material was raw, this was what he truly felt and no literary-prize-winning novel could say this as well as his heart.
Detective Beckett was used to masking emotion – not letting it affect her in her duty to the city she loved – but she had let it affect Kate. Declared 'emotionally bankrupt' by former boyfriends, Kate had not only let her job come gushing into her personal life, she had let it overflow to her essence as well. Kate was becoming more and more 'Beckett' and less 'Kate' as time progressed and with the gift of hindsight, she understood where Demming and Josh and all the others had been coming from.
"That doesn't make you a fool, Castle" she responded, the compassion flowing in her voice a dreadful tune to his unaccustomed ears. The burning rise of anger and frustration began to fill him once more, unable to maintain the floodgates any longer he blurted;
"How doesn't it? All this time, you knew. You knew and you never said a word; just led me around like a puppy dog on a leash. Don't tell me that doesn't make me a fool, Detective – even a blind man could see it."
"Like you're so innocent in all of this!" the words just came spilling out of her, unstoppable. What was she doing? She was supposed to be making this better, not escalating the situation with her pettiness.
"Me, wha-…what have I done?"
"You act as though this is some huge disservice, Castle. But you keep secrets too!" The tension in her voice radiated between the two of them, rebounding from the walls surrounding them.
His eyes flickered to hers, each witnessing the brutal reality of the other's pain for the first time. Confused, Castle took a moment to let her words sink in.
"I would never, could never lie to you, Kate."
Reading his expression with her extensive eye for detail, Beckett continued. "How about when you delved into my mother's murder when I specifically told you to leave it alone?"
"But.."
"Or the night of Montgomery's murder when you conspired with him to use me as bait? And how about the fact that even right now you're keeping something from me!" Her Detective façade was rapidly disintegrating, leaving Kate vulnerable to the elements. Raw emotion so heavily tainting her words she was sure she was on the verge of breaking down, of amounting to nothing but a puddle of tears and heartbroken wreckage.
"Wha-? Kate, what am I keeping from you?"
"You know what." The short reply was all that she could muster while maintaining some form of composure. Disdain hanging from her every syllable, she turned away from him knowing a direct visual connection would be too intense, too much to handle. She averted her gaze and bowed her head in shame – personal acknowledgment that she was shifting the blame, masking her short comings with misdemeanours of Castle's own.
Having become quite adept at policing strategies and knowledgeable on procedure, Castle maintained a poker face, gave nothing away. He let the silence do the talking. Responding to her own MO, Beckett endured the torment that was her own making. "You're steering me from my mother's case, asking for details, going behind my back…" Castle's eyes widened in surprise, his jaw hung a little slack.
"How…? You know about that?"
"Of course I know, Castle, I'm a Detective. It's my job – DETECT!"
"But…"
"Ryan told me about that case, the one that you asked him to pass you any details on the sly that might relate to my shooting or my mother's murder. You told him not to tell me Castle." Her anger was at boiling point now. Saying the words had made it real; made her feel. She scrambled to her feet, turned to face Castle, mentally searching for a way out of the turmoil that was the emotional free fall she had created.
"Look, Kate…"
"I've had it Castle. I can't take any more of these games. We're done. Finished. Over." She turns from him as if to leave, completely forgetting she had suspended the elevator to prevent him from escaping her – to force them to talk. How is it that now she was the one looking to escape? Foiled by her own plan, Kate realised she hadn't entirely thought this through. This is why she doesn't act on impulse. This is why she carefully calculates her moves, covers all bases and eventualities. This is why she prepares. You don't go running into a gun battle without bullets and body armour. Quick thinking only gets you so far but as Kate was just discovering, without body armour you're going to get hurt. Her personal walls crumbled piece by piece since the day she opened the cover of the first Richard Castle book she had read. They eroded that much faster the day she hauled him in for questioning from the launch of his final Derrick Storm novel. They'd turned to dust, blown away by the wind with each passing day she'd worked with him at the 12th. With her own armour of defences dissipated, Castle had been Kate's armour for so long; so long that she had taken him for granted. And now she'd lost it. She had no armour and the agony was overwhelming.
As if hearing her inaudible prayer, the elevator roared into action. Someone had clearly been alerted to its 'out of action' status and released the braking system to allow it to continue on its way. She could hear the gears turning; the intricate mechanical pieces whirr to life as her metal prison proceeded on its downward journey. '5…4…3…only a short way to go now' she told herself, holding her breath to keep from losing it.
2…1… That familiar ding was music to her ears as the doors to the elevator swept open. Without looking back, she stepped from its grasp leaving a trail of anguish and desperation in her wake.
"Katherine Beckett!" Castle was on his feet now, his usually smooth voice – not quite sounding like his own – followed her from the elevator. "How is it that you're the one that lied all this time and yet I'm the bad guy? How is it that you know all these things but for some reason, you keep it secret. You have to share with the class to be part of it, Kate." Kate's steely faced exterior softened a little, moulded to the truth of his voice. "Walk away if you want. Walk away like you always do. You can't run from your feelings forever Kate, God knows I've tried." She turns on her heels, her eyes capture his face, savouring every inch of it. "Just know, that what I did – it wasn't for me. I did it for you. To protect you. I'm just sorry you can't see that."
Castle stepped from the elevator and made his way to where Kate was standing. He placed his undamaged hand to her face, cupped her cheek. Her eyes glistened as she fought back her tears, focusing all her energy on keeping it together in the precinct lobby.
"Castle…" she pulled away from his hand, straightened herself up and re-adopted her Detective persona in front of the many uniforms now ogling them down the hallway. "Not here, not in the Precinct." Castle followed her lead, embodied the definition of decorum.
He'd come to an unexpected fork in the long road of his life and the road less travelled had been shut down before him. He'd been willing to take the risk, jump the fence and battle on through without knowing the dangers ahead. Now, fate had chosen for him and bypassed the indefinite struggle he'd have faced had he continued down that road. Instead, Castle had now resigned himself to the alternate route – the clear path that led away from Beckett, away from the NYPD and away from a million memories.
"Love isn't a switch Detective. You can't just turn it on and off when it's convenient for you. You have to figure it out in your own time, I can't do that for you." He took a deep breath, exhaled slowly. "I need to go home Detective. I need time to heal, to forget – to move on. You need to listen to your heart, decide what it is you want; who you want to be." And with that, he placed a light kiss to her forehead, his eyes closed as he let the dreams of 'always' slip away from him, freeing him somewhat.
He pulled away from her and side stepped towards the exit not wanting to look at her, not believing he had the strength to execute the necessary motions to severe his ties to the NYPD if he turned around to see her one last time. With each pace he took away from Kate Beckett, Richard Castle took a step towards a new future. He looked upon it as one of his novels – the twist in the middle that altered the ending.
As he bypassed her heading for the door, a single tear leaked from Kate's eye and slipped down her face. As it dropped from her chin and onto her purple sweater leaving a dark ring, she turned and watched him walk out of her life and no doubt into the life of another. The very thought of Castle belonging to another shattered the remains of her heart and the tears just kept on rolling. Nothing could stop them. Not will power. Not professionalism. Nothing.
Richard Castle – the man of a thousand words had been silently teaching her the language of the heart, even when she wasn't prepared to listen. And now he was gone.