The story deals with adult subject matter and occasional description of explicit sexual abuse. Not meant for underage readers. Read at your own peril. And oh, Twilight belongs to SM. This is just a fanfiction.

Beautiful Sorrow

End of Chapter 4:

She woke up the next morning with the same unnerving feeling. It was Monday; a therapy day. Sylvia would oversee her weekly weigh-in in the morning and Dr. Weber would arrive at two.

She slowly forced herself out of the bed to face the day.

Chapter 5

Bella, 2009

"How have you been, Bella?" Dr. Angela Weber asked in a professionally honed, soothing voice.

I'm dying inside. Could you please stop with these useless questions?

"Good," Bella answered.

They were sitting in the library, which was the usual spot for them to hold their sessions when Dr. Weber came by every Monday and Wednesday. On the rare sunny days, Dr. Weber would sometimes suggest that they take their sessions to the grounds outside the house, though summer was long gone and there hadn't been many rain-free days this September.

"I can see you have been doing remarkably well with your diet. You are only three pounds shy of being within your healthy weight range. Tell me, how do you feel about that?" Dr. Weber asked.

I don't care one bit.

"Good, I mean, it's great, right?"

"Yes, it is. It's great news for your health. But I am more interested to know how you feel about being healthy? What does it mean for you?" Dr. Weber prodded.

Bella looked around the room, appearing to search for the right words. "I feel…ok, I mean, it's a good thing, right?"

She didn't like it when she couldn't decide what a 'safe' answer would be. Over the months, she had become relatively successful at fielding questions from Dr. Weber without actually divulging too much. She had learned to anticipate what might be asked of her during any given session, and was getting quite competent at speculating what answers would be deemed appropriate, and at the same time, show her commitment and willingness to get well. However, the true purpose behind all of the questions wasn't always easy to discern, like the one Dr. Weber was pursuing right now.

"At this point in time, what does getting well mean to you, Bella? I know we talked about this in the beginning, but the closer we get to our goal, our perspective may change on many things. So, I'd like to know, what does it mean to you now?"

Bella hated these sessions. She wrapped her arms around herself protectively; hoping to keep the irritation she felt out of her expression.

"I don't know, it's good to be healthy. And I'm happy that I am getting better…" She trailed off, not knowing what else to add.

Dr. Weber sat quietly for a few minutes, like she sometimes did, leveling Bella with a calculating gaze. She had been trying to unravel the young girl's mind for close to six months now. As a patient, Bella had been extremely pliable, yet the silent resistance she shielded herself with didn't go unnoticed by the veteran psychologist. She could sense an underlying problem deeply rooted in Bella's psyche, but she couldn't really dig deep enough to unearth it. For a meek, submissive girl, the walls she had put up around her were impressively effective. Compliance was her weapon of choice. She kept her mind impenetrable while acquiescing to nearly every instruction and question that was directed at her.

Dr. Weber could read the signs well enough. Her patient was lying to her – both directly and by omission. But confronting her with the accusation would only drive her further within herself. That was not her intention. Her concern wasn't that Bella was lying, but why she was lying. After six months, she had her list of speculations, but nowhere near to confirming any of her theories.

"I understand it was your birthday yesterday, yes?" Dr. Weber decided to shift the direction of their conversation.

Bella looked puzzled. She looked around the room as if expecting to find someone eavesdropping on them. "How do you know that?" she asked with suspicion.

Dr. Weber noted her reaction with interest and then answered, "It's in your file, right here. It was given to me along with your medical history. Why does the idea of me knowing your birthday bother you?"

"It doesn't." Bella shook her head to make a point, "I was just surprised, that's all,"

Bella reflected back to Sylvia Cope's interference the day before. The incident made her edgy, and she regretted making her discomfort apparent to Dr. Weber. She quickly stole a glance at the clock; only twenty minutes had passed since they had started. They had thirty more minutes to go.

Damn.

"What did you do for your birthday, Bella?" Dr. Weber asked.

"Nothing much, I stayed in mostly. It's not really that important…I don't celebrate my birthday," Bella replied, hoping the doctor would drop the topic soon.

"Has it always been that way? What about when you were little?"

Bella squirmed in her place. Why was Dr. Weber fixating on her birthday all of a sudden? What relevance did it have to anything? It made no sense to her.

"My mom used to bake me a cake every year. One time my dad took me to Seattle, to see the Space Needle; I was five," Bella volunteered.

"We didn't have a lot money for big parties or presents. But my mom would always make me something special, and my dad would bring home these boxes of licorice, you know the black ones that are shaped like fish? Those were my favorites. They didn't sell them in Forks, but my dad would drive to Port Angeles to get them for me. He did that every year, until his stroke. But mom never stopped, she always made me something. Nothing too crazy; cookies or cupcakes, whatever I'd wish for," she added with a dreamy look in her eyes, reminiscing about events that she hardly ever thought about anymore; not quite sure what made her so loquacious all of a sudden.

"When did that stop?" Dr. Weber asked.

"When my parents moved to Florida, three years ago," Bella answered, coming back to the reality of the room.

"So, what you said earlier about not celebrating your birthday- it's a relatively recent thing then?" Dr. Weber pointed out.

Bella cursed herself for stupidly talking herself into a corner. She didn't even realize how she was reeling out the rope to hang herself with.

"It's not like that, I'm an adult now. You asked about when I was little," Bella defended.

"Did you speak with them yesterday? Did you call, or did they call you?" Dr. Weber continued on.

Bella nodded. "Yah, my mom called."

"What about your dad?"

"I spoke to him too."

"And your husband?"

Bella's voice faltered a little before she could answer, "Yes, he wished me a happy birthday too."

She looked away. If she wasn't thrilled about the topic of conversation before, she was thoroughly disliking it now. She didn't like the way the doctor roped her husband into the mix at all. Bella resolved to be more careful with her words for the remaining duration of the session.

Sensing Bella's guard going up, Dr. Weber chose to switch her strategy once more.

"How are things going with the drinking? You're still adhering to the plan, right?"

"Yes." Bella nodded quickly, slightly relieved at the shift of questioning. This was a much more familiar territory for her; she knew most of the correct answers.

"How is that going for you? Is it difficult still?"

"Things are ok, I guess. It's not so bad." Bella knew better than to sound too blasé; that wouldn't be convincing.

"Tell me, what do you miss about it? Do you miss the taste? The way it used to make you feel? What do you miss the most?" Dr. Weber asked carefully.

"I don't know," Bella hedged, "the buzz maybe…"

"If the 'buzz' that you say you liked about drinking could be made into pill, would you take it?"

That was a trick question and Bella knew it a mile away.

"Of course not, I don't want to be a junkie," she asserted vehemently.

"No, of course not," Dr. Weber repeated.

"Have you thought about what we discussed a couple of weeks ago? About you joining an AA meeting? Did you give it any more thought?" the doctor asked. She had been trying to ease Bella into the idea of attending group meetings, but hadn't been successful so far.

"Uhh…no, I don't think it's right for me. I don't want to go to those meetings. I'm fine right here." Bella shook her head. Even if she wasn't concerned about the risk of public exposure involved in this endeavor, the idea of talking amidst a bunch of strangers didn't hold any appeal to her at all. Holding up a front for Mrs. Cope and Dr. Weber was tiring enough; she didn't want the extra work that would come with dealing with a whole group of people.

"In many respects, you're doing fine, I agree. But, I am concerned about the long-term management of the problem. If you're worried about a media frenzy, I assure you these meetings are very discreet. And if you aren't comfortable to open up in a group environment, I could arrange for you to meet with a sponsor. He or she would be the only person you meet. They can provide you with a great support system, Bella. Staying bottled up the way you're doing may work for you in the short-term, but you will reach a point, sooner or later, when the pressure will crush you."

Bella continued to shake her head. "I don't think so. I'm doing everything you ask. I don't drink anymore; I eat when I'm supposed to. Why do I have to talk to another stranger? I don't want to talk to anyone else," she stated decisively.

Dr. Weber didn't expect a dramatically different response. She noted down her observations with a thoughtful expression. Bella seldom said no to any of her suggestions, but the ones she declined she tended to be quite determined about.

"Nonetheless, I would want you to keep it in mind, and I'd like us to revisit the matter at a later date, ok?" Dr. Weber insisted.

"Ok," Bella agreed.

The remaining time of their session passed by with relative ease.

Towards the end of their time together, Dr. Weber brought up a matter that she'd been intending to broach for a while, "Bella, I know we decided in the beginning to focus primarily on you for the most part, but I really think at this stage it would be beneficial for everyone if Mr. Cullen participated in a few of our sessions. Do you think you could ask him if he'd like to sit in with us next time?" Dr. Weber asked.

Bella felt trapped. Dr. Weber had been hinting at holding joint sessions for some time now. She'd been asking her how she'd feel about having her husband present while they spoke. Bella countered those queries by pointing out her husband's busy schedule. She didn't like what the doctor was suggesting. It meant she would have to seek him out and instigate a conversation. Sitting through fifty minutes with Dr. Weber was bad enough, having her husband present the entire time would be excruciating. She'd be second guessing herself whenever she'd have to say anything, and knew her husband wouldn't like how it would appear to the doctor.

"If you like, I could talk to Mr. Cullen directly. But you surely have much easier access to his schedule than I do, no?" Dr. Weber offered.

Neither option appealed to her. Maybe her husband would prefer not to be caught off guard by Dr. Weber, Bella thought.

"I'll ask him but he is very busy, so it might not be possible anytime soon," Bella offered, already regretting her decision.

"I'm aware what a busy man he is. I wouldn't mind shuffling my calendar if he can only make it on a day that is outside of our regular slot. I'm sure he would want to make the time for you. He seemed to care a great deal for you," the doctor said, while carefully observing Bella's reaction.

Bella kept her face impassive and then nodded her head. "Ok."

"Bella, I would like us to talk about your husband in our next session. Is that alright with you?" Dr. Weber spoke the words slowly; the nearly imperceptible way Bella flinched at the suggestion didn't go unnoticed by her.

"Nothing too personal, unless you want to talk about it. Just general things, like how did you two meet? What kind of a wedding did you have? Ways in which he has been supportive of you these past six months. Whatever comes to mind. I think it would be a good warm up exercise for the time he joins us. I would like you to think about that for our next session, ok?" Dr. Weber asked.

"But we already talked about that…months ago. You asked me all of those and I told you already!" Bella responded with puzzlement.

"We talked about your college, and you told me you met him right around the time you went to school at UW. I would like us to focus more on him this time, if that's alright with you," Dr. Weber clarified.

Bella wanted to decline, but that would be a dead giveaway. She fidgeted a little, without intending to, and then nodded her head in acceptance. She'd have to find a way to get through it. It wouldn't be any worse that having him present in the room –provided he chose to come, of course.

After the good doctor left, Bella wandered back to her room. She felt oddly at home here, despite the brutal memories it held. She knew Sylvia would come looking for her soon enough about dinner. Snuggling into the pillows, she lay in her bed while waiting for the older woman to come and get her.

Her thoughts returned to what Dr. Weber suggested. She wondered if the fleeting encounter she had with her husband as a fifteen year-old would fit the bill of how they met… probably not. Looking at the raindrops that were pelting her window, she allowed her mind to wander back in time to when fate brought her face to face with Carlisle Cullen again when she was eighteen. Just like the time of their first introduction, the event was riddled with numerous 'what ifs'.

What if she didn't write that damn essay for her college application?

What if she picked a different subject for her essay?

What if she didn't make it to class that day when Mr. Berty came by to get the waiver forms signed?

So many variables that so easily could have pushed her life towards a different direction. But that wasn't meant to be.

Laying await for Sylvia's call, she let memories take her back to a time when things were simpler, and she wasn't the broken, beaten, shell of a human being that she was now; she thought of the day her husband noticed her for the first time.

Important AN: Miraculously enough, I have gotten a nomination as a Best New Author at the Avant Garde Award (Round 1). I am rightfully flabbergasted! But what made this event significantly more joyous for me is that some of my dearest friends here are nominated too. The polls will be open through 22nd May - 4th June. I beg you to spare five minutes to cast your vote for these amazing people. My nominated friends are:

Secrets and Lies by BellaScotia (Hall of Fame, Best Kid, and Best Rosalie)

Bring on the Wonder by Bronzehyperion (Best Edward and Best Must Read)

Price of a Broken Heart by MrsEdwardCullenP (Charlie and Best Kid)

Marital Psychosis by AELGP (Best Jacob and Best Realistic Lemon)

Perhaps Not to Be by mamasutra (pretty much every single category!)

My Heart's Redemption by MyDaughterBella (Best Canon Pairing)

Control by I Need a Life Bad (Best Non-canon Pairing and Best Rosalie)

pixie-belle88 (Best New Author)

I humbly request you to go to the link below on the 22nd May and vote for these brilliant people. Not only are they vastly talented, but they are awesome and kind as well. And while you are there, vote for me too – if you think I deserve it! Hehe!

The link to the Avant Garde Award is: http:/www (dot)avantgardeawards(dot)com/

Story rec: Love in Idleness by twanza. If you are familiar with her previous stories, you already know how crafty and skillful she is with words. If you haven't, then please check out this gem of a story. It's surprisingly uplifting and magically addictive.

http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/6960328/1/

Thank you for reading and giving me a chance. Each and every review I receive is precious to me. They make my day and help me survive the work week.

Thanks to lulabelle98, for making all this readable. I couldn't do it without her. Check out her story The Long Walk Home. It's quite the epic.