Desperate Souls

Chapter 4: Ruined

Regrets

Now it was Mr Gold's turn to be at a loss of words. He had not caught a single glimpse of anything affectionate towards his person from her. If all, the only thing she had done so far was accuse and scold him. Not one moment had he thought she truly would take a likening to him.

He stood there with his lips parted, jaw slackened, and a startled look in his eyes. Had he just spoiled it like he had feared? He quickly closed his mouth and made soft humming sounds as he sought words to save them from this situation.

When he opened his lips to speak he decided nothing he would say would impress her or make her chance her mind. And her words about aborting their baby had particularly struck his heart. He could feel the organ pounding painfully in his chest. Had this been what she was thinking ten years ago, when she had found herself with child? She had given Henry away. Perhaps she had not wanted him then as she had not wanted to carry his little soul for nine months. What did he know of her apart from what he had seen? Nothing. He knew her parents, he knew of her youth spent alone and rebellious, he knew of how she went looking for her son and how she was doing her best to get him back for almost a year now. Mr Gold seriously contemplated that the vision of a repenting mother who wanted her family back in her life might have been an instant of the thought being father to the wish. It might have all been in his imagination.

His shoulders slumped in defeat – though he never truly was defeated, but for now this seemed like the best way to act- and limped back into the bedroom to toss the covers in a more decent position on the bed. He bit back a sigh as he started searching for his clothes.

"You can take your leave if you want to, Miss Swan." Back on distant terms again. "I will not stop you." That last sentence was also meant to show he would not stop her if she was going to bring this story all across town in an attempt to wreck his reputation. The people already thought the worst of him, another bad deed would only increase the scare he caused. Then again, it wouldn't be smart for the new heroic sheriff to tell people how she'd been overpowered by the most fearsome man of the entire town. People might lose faith in her.

Mr Gold set about dressing up. All the while her words ricocheted inside his head. Had he raped others before? No, he hadn't. Emma had been the only woman he had slept with in this kind of way. An ironic thought passed him that in a way he'd been saving it all up for the sheriff these past few years. Perhaps it had been his lack of women that had made him giddy to pull such a prank on her. Though prank was too light a word. He was a true criminal now in every sense of the word for Emma had paid dearly, while all he had wanted from her was her consent. Her love was already too much to ask for.

As he straightened his tie, seated on the right side of the bed, he glanced up at her.

Although Emma had seen the various emotions dancing across Gold's face, she couldn't find pride in the fact she'd caused him to fall at a loss of words. She was far too numb and upset to care, and the emotionless expression on her face proved it.

Before the situation could grow awkward between them (what a joke), Gold had turned and left Emma to her own devices in the bathroom. As she stood there, her gaze drifted toward the razor and tooth brush on his sink, and the thought of slitting her wrists momentarily came to mind. It was a beautiful thought for all of twelve seconds - the remainder of the minute she stared was spent in horror over contemplating such a thought. She knew she'd never willing leave Henry behind (especially now that she knew Gold was gunning for him), but the idea of giving up somehow seemed...comforting.

Breaking her gaze away from the razor, Emma squared her jaw and sucked in a breath before re-entering Gold's room. He was sitting on his bed now, and the sight made her sick. It was the picture perfect sight of a traditional one-night stand, although this was by far the most awkward of them all. She didn't feel any yearning for her lover, for one, and two, she actually felt slightly afraid of him.

Walking across the room in a wide-breached arc that forced them to keep their distance, Emma grabbed her coat off the back of the chair and sighed. Where did they go from there? Her pride was hurt, her confidence was hurt, and her heart was hurt. She was furious with herself to opening herself up to such a monster, and especially after she'd bragged to Mary Margaret about being an excellent judge of character. When Gold had invited her over, she genuinely thought he'd wanted to be on friendly terms... She just didn't grasp how friendly.

Eyes narrowing at this thought, Emma slipped her arms into her coat and turned back to face the man behind her. "Does Regina know about us?" she finally asked. The thought made her sick, especially if she could somehow use it against her in the future. With a pause, she amended, "I mean, about the whole conception... If she does, that could naturally make her suspicious if she sees us "planning" things together."

Her gaze was hard and lacked all warmth, thus dashing any possible hope of Emma having granted Gold forgiveness.

The man calmly turned to face her. "No. She does not. No one does. Not even Henry." He studied her face for her expression. "I thought it'd be better that way."

He moved on the bed, turning his torso so he was facing her more. "I wanted the boy to have dreams. I wanted the boy to have hope. I still do. I never meant to have his father be the monster everyone takes me for now." He nodded slowly and turned back, then pushed himself tiredly from the bed. His body ached, his limbs were heavy like stone and he wondered what had caused it. Surely not the extortion of last night's activities? He spun round swiftly and smiled weakly at her.

Emma visibly relaxed, but her expression was still stern. The possibility of Henry knowing about them had honestly never crossed her mind, for she had a feeling he would've said something already. Gold was the one person he couldn't quite pin down in "Fairytale Land," and that honestly struck her as odd.

"Henry has hope, but not the kind you intended," Emma muttered, vaguely alluding to his dreams for her to be the town's savior. "If you wanted him to have a good life, you should've tried to convince me to keep him... I can tell he's unhappy. He's depressed, for that matter, and I feel helpless because there's nothing I can do for him... Especially not now. Regina's forbidden me to come near him, so hopefully none of your so-called plans involve one-on-one confrontation." With a slight glare, she coolly demanded, "You do actually have a plan, don't you? Or was that all a lie, too?"

"Emma," he almost moaned, "I've never lied to you. Granted, I kept things a secret or simply didn't say. I wanted to see how much you could figure out by yourself. You're a clever girl." he quickly corrected himself here. "Woman. But you need some time to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Some things are just too painful to be told." He winced and looked away as he gestured while he spoke. "And some things should rather be shown. I will promise I will not lure you in again. I will not try to drug or 'poison' you another time."

"I promised Mary Margaret I would walk you home today. But I can fully understand if you would object. Then again, what might the people say seeing you somewhat disheveled passing their street?"

Withdrawing slightly at Gold's remark, Emma scowled and irritably folded her arms. She knew he was right, but she chose not to say so. He limped to her from his side of the bed and just as it looked he was going to reach out for her he passed her by to pick up her bag from the nightstand and held it out for her. He didn't look at her as his eyes were on the floor, in shame.

Cringing when she thought he was reaching for her, she relaxed only slightly when he held out her bag for her to take.

"You will not truly abort the child if it were there, would you?" he whispered.

Receiving the bag without returning his gaze, Emma heard Gold's question and visibly stiffened. She'd once been told by a foster mother that she, herself should've been aborted, so the subject was naturally a sensitive one. She'd hated herself for even making the snide comment about the non-existent baby, but she was more surprised to find Gold seemed as bothered by it as she'd been.

Wringing the bag between her hands, Emma felt a lump in her throat and shook her head. "No," she choked out, "I...I don't think I could... If I tried, I know I'd only picture Henry, and then I wouldn't be able to go through with it."

Mr Gold looked at her in all due honestly, his face not ever having been so sad and yearning. "Good. Because I don't think any child you'd carry could be a monster. And I don't think you think Henry is one. You've seen the boy." He smiled almost at this part, not hopeful, but painfully reminiscing that in which he put his pride and which had become the stimulus for his life.

Emma appeared taken aback. "Why would I ever think that about Henry? He's everything I could possibly want in a son...even if he has some of your...um...DNA inside him, I'm not stupid enough to discredit the fact he'll be a great man some day."

Considering the situation, Emma knew it was nothing less than a miracle that Henry was so bright and sweet. With Gold as his father, and Regina as his surrogate caregiver, he clearly had the worst possible odds stacked against him being a favorable child.

He shook his head and once again his face was hidden for her behind a curtain of hair as he looked out of the window. "But you are right. I am a selfish man."

Not realizing that she was smiling fondly, Emma came back to reality when Gold began to speak again. Trying to make sense of his reasoning was difficult, especially since she didn't see how being shown they'd had sex was a particularly swift move on Gold's part.

"It never occurred to you that I may never trust you again?" she asked, her gaze hard as flint. "And you're right, you will never do that again, because I won't let you. If you do anything I deem inappropriate, I'll throw you in jail for rape and sexual harassment."

Emma naturally wasn't sure if this was a hollow threat, for it seemed Gold was ridiculously skilled at avoiding repercussions from the law. Perhaps that also had something to do with his attack on her?

When he looked at her again he smiled.

"Emma," He tusked her, "So fierce. I like that about you. All right, I will be a kind man if you will stop your insults towards me. And as I recall you promised to be a bit kinder to me. I do hope last night's meeting didn't make that promise void. Cos I assure you I'm a man of my word. " He placed a hand on his chest.

Feeling sick at his promise, Emma managed to give a soft, "But wasn't I nice to you yesterday evening? Didn't I do everything you asked? Gold, I don't recall insulting you once during our dinner, but you still felt the need to violate me! How am I supposed to feel about your "word" when it clearly means nothing?"

Perhaps Emma was speaking out of the hurt and betrayal she felt, but somehow she was positive that Gold was being dishonorable. His next joke would've made her laugh in normal circumstances, but all she could do was sullenly stare back at him as he smiled. Maybe she would've joked back, had the circumstances been different...

"A man wearing sock-garters, but a man nonetheless."

He limped to the door and opened it. "Want some breakfast, or will you want to go instantly?" he glanced at her from behind the opened door. "You've little food to go on." Which was a shame because his cooking the other day had been delicious.

Somehow Emma hadn't realized that Gold had gone to the door until he spoke, and his words caused her to jump in surprise. Now regarding him in disdain, she muttered, "Maybe I should make my own breakfast, if that isn't too much to ask? Or at the very least observe you to make sure I won't be having roofie-laced pancakes."

Her words were bitter and stained with rancor, but she genuinely wanted to believe he had Henry's best interests in mind. But then...how could she ever trust him again? Unless he managed to brainwash her like he had 10 years ago, she knew the likelihood of them reconciling was next to none.