Chapter 11:

I didn't get up for dinner that night. When I did get up, it was only to wash my face off. Everyone knew that I had been crying, but it helped that I didn't look too much like it. I leaned on the sink and looked in the mirror.

I'm so sorry James. I didn't know. I still don't understand, but….

I went back to bed after that. Ronnie lay on my bed with me for a while, but Lily and Gwen said nothing. I didn't doubt that they shared similar sentiments with James, after I had stayed behind when they left. When Ronnie finally left, I did see Lily give me a glance of sympathy, but she was deep in conversation with Gwen, so she didn't have much time for pity. I simply turned over and tried again for sleep.

The next morning met me with heavy silence in the dormitories. Gwen had apparently gotten to Ronnie as well, because even though she snuck me a couple of cookies, she hurried to get ready so she could walk down to breakfast with the rest of the girls. I stayed behind, reluctant to even leave the dorms. I ended up skipping breakfast entirely and walking straight to Transfiguration. I was the first one in the classroom, and I chose a seat off to the side. I pulled out one of Ronnie's cookies and had just started taking a bite when a few more students trickled in, McGonagall with them. The rest of the Gryffindors came in a moment later, all of them unhappy. I accidentally caught Remus' eye but he turned away quickly.

Remus too…

I think that was the last straw. I think something broke inside me when I saw Remus turn from me. I thought he was the one person I could trust to be there for me. Peter was the only one who even bothered to acknowledge my existence that day, and it was only to squeak a quick "hello" before being dragged off by Sirius.

For the rest of the week, I debated whether I was avoiding them, or they were avoiding me. We only ever ended up in the same room when we had classes together. Any free time I had I spent anywhere but the Common Room. I finally retreated to the kitchens – they were one place that I knew the boys hadn't discovered yet. They would eventually, yes, but for now I relied on my 'extra' knowledge to let me escape into chocolate parfaits.

Each night I had to return to the dormitory. It became a ritual after a few nights – I would get there late, leave early. I avoided contact from anyone. Ronnie tried to reach out once, but I shut her down before I could stop myself. When I went to apologize, she smiled sadly, patted me on the shoulder, and returned to following Gwen.

Term exams came and went. Although the kitchens had turned out to be an excellent study space, the lack of a good night's sleep made taking the tests difficult. Once my final exam (Herbology) was over, I trudged back to the kitchens again. One of the house elves had already put out a chocolate parfait for me. I pushed it away and put my head down on the counter.

"Miss is not hungry?" One of the house elves squeaked from in front of me.

"No. The parfaits are delicious, but not today."

"A treacle tart then? Perhaps a candied apple for the Miss?" said another.

"No, thank you." I whispered softly before burying my head in my arms again. The one who spoke first hurried away, but the second one stayed a moment longer. I looked up at her and she spoke.

"Well if the Miss needs anything Miss will tell Grumble?"

"Of course, Grumble. Thank you." I watched her hop off the counter and return to her busy work at the stove. I smiled to myself. It was nice to know someone cared, even if it was a house-elf.

When I returned to the dorm that night, I was surprised to find that no one had yet gone to bed. Ronnie and Gwen were packing their trunks. Jeanne was in the bathroom, cleaning up, and Lily was reading calmly on her bed, her things already packed away.

"Oh, good, you're here." Ronnie said, running up to me. "Did you happen to see my good quill? I can't find it anywhere!" I was so shocked that someone was actually talking to me that I didn't respond for a moment. "Well?" she asked.

"Uh… no." I finally managed to say. She turned around in a huff and began pulling things out of her trunk again. I stood in the doorway for a moment longer and then shuffled over to my four-poster and threw my bookbag on top of my trunk.

Lily looked up from her book. "You're not packing?"

"Uh, no. I'm not going home for the Holidays."

"Oh, why not?" Because I don't have anyone to go back to. Or rather, I don't know how to go back to them.

Gwen cut in. "Her family prolly doesn't want her back."

I froze, and Lily leapt out of bed. "That was uncalled for!" Lily argued. "No need to be nasty to Brendi just because you're spending the holidays with the Potters."

"Oh, don't take her side Lily. You know she's been with the boys this whole week."

"You even know that's not true!" Ronnie finally snapped. "You and I both heard James arguing with Peter about apologizing to her!"

"Oh you too then!" Gwen snarled. "Next Jeanne will be telling me I'm up for villain of the year!"

"Leave me out of this." Jeanne said as she crossed from the bathroom to her bed. She quickly closed the curtains and fell silent.

"Oh well fine then, little miss spineless. Don't even take a side! And you!" Gwen turned on me. "You have some gall coming back here and talking to us after you took his side in the Ink Incident."

I had heard enough. During her last little spiel I had walked around my bed and stood in front of her.

"Look, Hunter, I was standing up for you when James blew up at me last week. He did all but call me a traitor because I'm always taking your side. So if you think I'm gonna stand here for one more minute listening to you turning on Lily or Ronnie or Jeanne, you have another thing coming. If you're gonna be mad at someone, be mad at me.

"Yeah, I maybe I tried to be friends with Remus or Peter or, Merlin forbid, James Potter. That's my choice. And you can just deal. But thanks to me trying to be your friend, I lost all of them. All of them, Gwen."

By this point I was sobbing, and Ronnie had come over and was holding my arm. I didn't even have the thought to shake her off.

"So don't even try to say that I abandoned you for the boys. I haven't spoken to anyone since your stupid 'Ink Incident'. If it means that I don't talk to you again, at least you know whose fault that is. Yours. Yours, not mine."

Gwen was shocked into silence. When she finally moved, she copied Jeanne and crawled into bed, curtains drawn. Her trunk was still only half-packed.

I let out a breath that I had been holding and then fell into Ronnie's open arms. She led me back to my bed and, with Lily's help, tucked me in. This time it was Lily who sat with me in silence. She kept handing me tissues until finally it was late enough that she had to get herself to bed.

"I'm sorry," she whispered into the darkness. I nodded and clasped her hand to let her know that I had heard her, and then she slipped away.

I slept well that night.

I didn't wake up until mid-morning. By the time I was dressed, everyone was already down at breakfast. I joined them for the first day in a week. Gwen was missing, and I wasn't surprised. Jeanne was quietly munching on toast next to Lily. I sat down next to Ronnie and was immediately ambushed by a hug. I started laughing and Ronnie joined in and slowly Lily joined us. It was good to be back with friends.

I ate quickly because the girls were almost done, and we started back to the dormitories together. The boys were coming out of the portrait hole as we were entering it. Remus and Peter looked pained to see me, Sirius was slightly shocked but said nothing, and James simply glared. We all immediately sobered. Ronnie grabbed my hand as I stiffened. With a final glare at the other girls, James stalked off toward the Great Hall but the other boys hesitated. Remus opened his mouth to say something, but at that moment James called for them, and they went scurrying back to him.

I let out the breath that I had been keeping. Lily just scoffed and Ronnie tightened her grip on my hand and led me the rest of the way into the dormitory.

I knew that I had chosen my loyalties, but I was still unsure if they were the right ones.