It wasn't long before I had to come up with an answer to that question.

It was one evening in late January. The first years had returned from our latest flying lesson, and it had not gone well. James and Sirius obviously were at the top of the class; their only real competitor was Amos Diggory from Hufflepuff. I was the next closest, but their childhood growing up in wizarding families had allowed them practice before coming to Hogwarts – unlike several of our classmates. Lily was still having a lot of trouble – although she could stay on the broom and could turn it in the required circles, she couldn't do much else. This frustrated her to no end, but even she wasn't the worst of the class. Several of the Hufflepuffs joined Peter, Ronnie, and Jeanne in being grounded. It was lucky they were not being graded for they would have failed; once Peter had nosedived into the closest tree no one was willing to subject themselves to the humiliation at the hands of James. Surprisingly, Gwen was horrid at flying – apparently she had made excuses to avoid flying with James instead of mounting a broom herself. It was obviously apparent that she had instead been avoiding causing herself embarrassment because it wasn't until that evening that she began allowing her toes to leave the ground while the rest of us were hovering meters in the air. She had become James easiest target, and even with the animosity that had occurred between her and the rest of us girls Lily had quickly intervened. She efficiently shut James down before he could cause the tears that were inevitable if he had continued.

We had just arrived back in our common room with Lily in a huff again. In order to intervene she had used the excuse that James was more insufferable, but refused talk to Gwen afterward because of the grudge she still held from the post-Ink-Incident fallout. Gwen had shut herself in her four-poster almost immediately, embarrassed that Lily had to step in to save her. Jeanne had also gone to bed in preparation for Friday's lectures, and Lily was proofing Ronnie's last minute Transfiguration essay, so I decided to take my Astronomy charts down to the common room to perfect them.

Most everyone had left the common room to get a good night's sleep – there was only a couple of NEWT students buried in their books in the far corner. The table in front of the fire was open, so I spread my Astronomy charts across the table and knelt on the floor to get the best work environment. I had perfected my northerly map and had begun to perfect the upper right hand corner of my easterly map when the portrait swung open behind me. I didn't bother to look up when I recognized James' voice. He was complaining to Remus about Lily, and sounded whinier than he usually did. Remus was silently bearing it, and when I finally glanced up I noticed that Remus was simply nodding at the right times as he led James and Peter past the couch behind me and up to the dormitories. The noise finally stopped when they shut the door to their dormitories. Only then did I notice that Sirius hadn't followed them up the stairs.

My head turned around, looking for the other dark haired Gryffindor. I started when I found him curled up in the armchair to my right staring into the fire.

"Hey," I said simply, laying my quill down and closing my ink pot. He tilted his head gently toward me, but didn't say anything. I frowned and then pushed myself back up to the couch behind me. I waited a moment and then patted the seat next to me. He finally turned his head to see what I had done, but instead of joining me on the couch he avoided eye contact and turned his gaze back to the fire. I was not about to have that. I got up and, before he could avoid it, I grabbed his hand and dragged him over to the couch to have him sit next to me. He let out a low growl, but didn't pull against the motion. It was painfully obvious that there was something more going on than just studies and general exhaustion. I turned sideways on the couch and crossed my legs before I set to staring at him – I figured making him uncomfortable would be the easiest way to get him to open up. Sure enough –

"What?" he finally asked.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Sirius…"

"Nothing."

"Sirius…"

He finally made eye contact with me and glared for a moment before reaching into his robes and pulling out a piece of parchment. He shoved it into my hand and then got up and went to lean against the wall above the fire. His face looked even darker against the flickering light of the flames. I unfolded the parchment to discover a note written with a dark, heavy scrawl. It was signed…

"Oh, Sirius…"

The note was from his mother, Walburga Black. It was extensive list of what the evil woman found wrong with her son. Consorting with mudbloods and blood traitors, no respect for elders, refusing to give up the less-than-impressive Gryffindor affiliation. The disdain continued throughout the long piece of parchment. Obviously she was even more against Sirius' behavior than we had all previously believed. The last bit was the worst.

"You are lucky your father mistakenly listens to my impossible brother Alphard. If it was up to me, you would not have returned to Hogwarts without the Slytherin colors on your robes. Slipping out in the night with Alphard's help was not only beyond disrespectful, it was an embarrassment to invite the Malfoy's over for brunch (they meant to introduce you to their eldest daughter) only to discover your room empty. I would have written sooner, but I've been trying to patch up the relationship that you so carelessly stained. You may not care about your status but you have a duty to your family, and the Malfoy's interest in your cousin Narcissa as a match for their eldest son Lucius is a greater priority than your selfish antics. I expect you to behave during your next holiday or you will find yourself in the middle of serious repercussions."

I folded the parchment and placed it delicately on the table on top of my Astronomy charts. I pulled my hands back and curled into as tight of a ball as I physically could. Sirius had an arm against the wall above the fireplace and his eyes pointed into the fire, but weren't looking at it. His face wasn't dark anymore, it was… shining? As I watched, a tear slowly drew a path down his cheek – Sirius was most definitely crying. After a moment I rose from the couch to stand with him. I wrapped a hand in his and pulled him back to the couch. He followed me without complaint, but after a moment he caught my eye and began spilling his guts.

First he spoke to just the Slytherin-Gryffindor discord, and then it was the pureblood prejudice, then the family honor. His mother had things to say on each of them, but Sirius had even more. He was so sick of his family's messes, and he hated their blatant prejudices of anything less than perfect.

"The moment I got home I locked myself in my room and refused to come out," he went on. The tears had stopped by this point, having been replaced by another hardened look. "They finally sent Andromeda up to fetch me, knowing that she's the only one I'd listen to. That's when I made her promise to do the charm on the rock. I told her I'd only go down and face them if she helped me with your gift." I felt sick knowing that he had sacrificed some portion of his happiness for me. It really didn't feel right.

"Once I left my room it was over. They had me working all day, trying to keep me from 'doing anything I'd regret'. All my childhood I had been pampered to believe that we were perfect, but suddenly when I start to have doubts I turn into their little serving boy." Suddenly he laughed. "You should have seen the look on Reg's face. You would have sworn he thought he was in heaven, being able to order me around like the house elves." He caught my eyes and grinned. "He wasn't so happy after I dumped itching powder on his towel – there are just some places you can't scratch…" He was silent for a while, while the fire crackled. I took that moment to turn back to sit on the couch normally – my eyes wandered the room and locked onto the window. I noticed that there was a light dusting of snow falling through the dark sky. The NEWT students had long gone to bed and we were left alone in the common room. A moment later, Sirius' voice broke the silence again.

"They kept me doing things throughout the entire break. The only chance I had to write was when they were all asleep and I could sneak up to my father's room to fetch the owl. It only worked a couple of times, so I was able to get a letter out to you and to James, but once they figured out what I was doing they made sure I didn't have any time where I was alone. It was ridiculous – I felt like I was in Azkaban.

"Suddenly the week came where I was supposed to come back here. My mother worked me even harder, up until the day before we were supposed to leave. At that point she grabbed me and pulled me into the family tree room – we have this room covered ceiling to floor with this stupid tapestry of all our ancestors. Anyway, she pulled me in there and pointed to my name and gave me this big long lecture about how I was letting all of these people down by not living up to her expectations. That's when she pulled out a new set of Hogwarts robes and shoved them in my arms." He shook his head and allowed the silence to fill up the room. "They had Slytherin colors on them," he finally hissed, clenching his fists. "Slytherin! She was still stuck on the idea that I was useless to this stupid family if I wasn't in her stupid house."

I finally reached out to touch him, laying a hand on his shoulder blade as he lay hunched on the couch. He looked up and met my eyes and I could have sworn my soul melted at that very instant. His eyes, grey like the storm, were so full of anguish and pain that I almost felt them absorb any happiness I was holding onto. I couldn't do anything but keep the eye contact, and when he finally broke it I realized that I could finally breathe again. He continued.

"I was so mad that I threw them back at her. She went berserk and started…" He cringed and went silent for a moment before beginning again. "Well, let's just say that I wasn't in any shape to leave for Hogwarts the next day. I shut myself in my room and wouldn't come out. My father came up a couple times, not really caring one way or the other if I came out – he only did it to please my mother. I hurt Andromeda real bad when I wouldn't even open the door for her. I watched the clock go by and soon enough it was eleven in the morning and I knew that the train had left.

"So I sat in my room and listened to the silence of the house. At one point my mother came by my room and laughed at me through the door that I was 'useless' and didn't deserve to go back to the school. I had given up. Then that evening, my uncle Alphard came to call. If he hadn't been my mother's older brother, he wouldn't have been allowed to see me, but he was. At that point I thought I had nothing left to lose, so I opened my door to him. He hurried inside and proceeded to tell me that all was not lost, that I should be proud of who I was and what I believed in. He convinced me that I should pack my things and plan to leave that night. So I did.

"He stayed for dinner and distracted my parents as I loaded my things into my trunk. He pretended to come to say goodbye to me afterward, but he took me away instead. He escorted me to Hogsmeade and made sure that I got back here the next day."

He stopped here, his story over. I must have looked shocked and pained because when he looked up at me he got this flush over his face.

"So, yeah, that's why I was late."

I don't know when I had started to cry, but I knew that there were tears silently running down my face. Before I could help myself my arms were around his neck and I had pulled him into the tightest hug I could manage. Once again, he didn't push against the motion. He just let himself fall into the hug, and I could feel his shoulders relax.

"It feels good to tell someone," he finally said. "James would never understand… Somehow I knew you would."

The silence filled the room again, but this time it wasn't nearly as awkward as it had been before. This silence wrapped around the pair of us like a blanket and seemed to pull the despair out of the situation. The last tears fell as the grandfather clock chimed midnight. I finally found my voice and broke the silence, releasing him from the hug.

"So the rock… those times when you used it…" The rest went unspoken. You were being hurt.

"Yeah…"

"Oh…"

At that point I suppose Sirius was simply tired of talking, so I should have seen it coming. It had to eventually.

"Why… why didn't you go home?" he asked finally, sitting up and looking at me. "For break I mean?" Then he tilted his head. "I guess I really don't know why I thought you'd understand this better than James. I never hear you talk about your family."

At this point I knew something had to give. Every other time anyone had asked me, there had always been something else to distract them. I guess it had been luck up to that point that I never had to discuss family with anyone. Maybe it was luck that it was only Sirius now who sat in front of me – the person I had always thought I understood most, and yet the same person who surprised me with every turn. It was oddly appropriate that I would be discussing this with the one person who needed a family as much as I did. But how much do I tell him? How much do I have to lie?

I stood up and walked over to the window with my back to Sirius. I could feel his eyes following me, but I needed a moment. The windowsill was light with the snow that was still falling outside, and I could feel the fire flickering against the bottom of my robes. Finally I reached up to barely touch the window with my fingertips, tracing my reflection in the glass.

"Where do I begin…?" I murmured.