A/N: Hello everyone, you have no idea how good it feels to write this author note, I'm back baby! yay. Thank you so much to all of you guys, you have been so patient, and kind to me. You played a big part in my inspiration, guys, thank you again. I hope to get all your support and reviews on this chapter as well. Anyway, I know most of you were wondering why I have not update on the 25th. Sorry guys, I know most of you actually waited, but fanfic wasn't letting me. My page was having some kind of error, and wouldn't let me post. But all is fixed now. As for this chapter, I don't really know how to feel about it. When I first set in front of my computer, I had a complete different outline, but somehow my fingers took it this way. It's also my come-back chapter, so my expectation was kind of high, so I'm not really happy about it. But I want to hear your thought from you. Please review, it's huge motivation to me, I promise if I get enough reviews, I'll post the next chapter really, really soon.
P.S: I will like to say thank you too all my patient reviewers, princess moon shadow, Undertaker's Hattress, BerNorthman , Nocturnal Rose , downbelowgirl , midnightquiver, MichelleCassidy, ShiloCoulter, Adids14 , MissLuLu2010, BadNicole8 , trestreschic , Katara Melody Cullen, stina222 , ItalianBreadstick , Sam, Cierra, DarkAngel620 , julieAKAweirdo, Anonymous, wolviegurl , julieakaweirdo, Rose, Rebecca, vampirelover2009 , Linale Ashley M , Cavazza , Rika, Azura Soul Reaver, Love Letters Written In Blood, TheCreator1 , CaitlinXcowz, Rose, Jasykes89 , Mistress Rose Angeline , EclecticProse , anon, foreverlostdreamer, alice1239, sweet-taboos, ThePhantomismyLove,
Thank you to all who responded to my public apology as well, MichelleCassidy, Tiara Shin , midnightquiver, sweet-taboos, Carina, Cotton Strings, sick-of-dreams , DarkAngel620, NIGHTSCREAM , Zee , trestreschic , indi176, TempGirl, foreverlostdreamer, wolviegurl , Carr.
Thank you to all my readers as well.
Disclaimer: nothing you read here belongs to me except for some of the plot and unknown characters you will meet. All belongs to True Blood, an American television drama series created and produced by Alan Ball. It is based on The Southern Vampire Mysteries by Charlaine Harris.
enjoy!
Darling I'm lost
Adrift in the dark
I'm clutching your words
To my vampire heart once more
So let in the light
Turn me to dust
If it don't end in Bloodshed dear
It's probably not love
Here we are
In the darkest place
To keep from forgetting
I picture your face
And I wonder
While we count the cost
Which is sweeter
Love or it's loss
So I curse you
My vampire heart
For letting me you love you,
Love you.
For letting me love you,
From the start.
My Vampire Heart by Tom Mcrae
Chapter Thirty - Let The Rain Wash Away
Famous writer Simon Mawer said, Guilt is like a liquid, a thin liquor, seeping everywhere, informing everything, saturating the whole—corrosive, like seawater, scented with the rich stench of ordure and corruption.
Words that carried such truth, and what a perfect words to describe how I feel at this moment. What happened last night has been eating deep inside me; I can't seem to stop the cringing in my stomach. A man had lost his life because of me. Even though I didn't cause his death by my own hands, it was still my fault. If I have never gotten that stupid job, if I had listen to Godric and lay low, Chris would have been alive right now.
What was I thinking?
I couldn't sleep at all last night. After everyone left, Godric and I only said a few words to each other. I noticed his body was tense and his face was pale, well paler. We had set on the long white couch for a while, and I watched him sitting there, so still, for hours, without breathing, without moving—like a statue.
The air was somehow heavy with awkwardness, like Toney had slapped as both awake from this wonderfully blissful dream. I didn't know what to say to him, how to respond to what happened tonight. I didn't know if I should comfort him or yell at him. So I did neither. It had been a long, bloody, painful day, and all I wanted to do was go to bed and forget everything.
The trauma lay heavily on my shoulder—I just need everything to stop. When I returned to bed that night, Godric held me tight to him, pressing my face to his chest, his fingers waving through my hair the entire night, but sleep never came.
I stared at the pastel skin of his chest, my head playing everything over and over again. Before I knew it, dawn had approached. The vampire next to me must have sensed the turmoil within myself, for he stayed awake with me. Even though he was within my reach, he did not bother to speak with me, he let me figure things out on my own. Whatever it is, he let me decide for myself.
With the morning bright and shiny, I decided that going to work today would not be a good idea. In fact, I should probably quit, seeing laying low would do me some good. With nothing to do and by myself all day along, I kept my self busy by cleaning and cooking. Forcing my thoughts and putting all my energy not to ponder on everything that happened yesterday.
But it wasn't enough.
At the end of the day, I found myself on the rooftop. My hands softly resting on the paved bricks that surrounded the edge of the building, as I stared out to the slowly disappearing golden glow that spread across the sky like the door way to heaven. From up where I stood, everything looked small, almost insignificant, as everyone dealt away with their activity.
My eyes moved across the street, settling on a small café with a life band playing a soft music, which echoed throughout the fast approaching night. Something about the song seemed to calm my heart, letting it breathe for a second.
Taking a deep, clear breath, I closed my eyes for a moment, only to snap them open when a flash of Chris's dead body appeared in my head. I have watched quite a lot gruesome movies in my lifetime, watching someone die on a TV screen repeatedly, but actually experiencing it in real life is completely different situation.
I couldn't help but play back what happened last night one more time, only to pause when the words that were spoken by the young human kept on jabbing in the back of my head.
'You are never going to be enough for him.'
Honestly, what am I doing? Was Toney right? Am I just fooling myself being with a vampire? Am I just a little girl wasting her time, rushing to be in love?
I can't not deny what Toney said was the absolute bitter truth. It deeply hurts to admit, but even though I love him with everything I am, he could never truly be with me. I will never know the true Godric that lies within him; and no amount of illustration, or showing, or relating, or whatever on his part, I will never ever be able understand something so complicated. All I can do is accepting. Accept that I'm never going to be enough.
He will forever hold himself back from me, hide from me, worry about me, constantly keep himself in check, and keep himself in a perfect control. What kind of happiness will he have in that?
"You might not care now, but in 20 years from now, when you'll start looking like his mother, in 50 years from now, when you'll start looking like his grandmother, oh, you will care then, trust me."
I'm not stupid, I know I'm mortal, and I acknowledge the consequences that comes with it. I know I will age, and I'm ok with that. It's nature's way. But I have to believe that someday, when the time comes, we will deal with the fact that we're still vampire vs. human, but for now, I have to have fate in Godric. Even now, I'm older than him, physically at least. But should I let that be a barrier to be with my true love?
I have known from the moment I laid my eyes on Godric, something called me to him… but what? I wanted to be with him, to feel his kiss, to wake up by his side every day, but at what cost? My humanity… my identity… my innocence?
But I can't help what my heart feels though. Each and every beat sings his name, praise his words. It's not something I could just turn off and walk away from. Our heart and soul connects in many ways that I could never explain, and if I was to just walk away from this, I know I would feel empty inside for the rest of my life.
Many live without ever experiencing the true meaning of love, never getting to taste true love's kiss. Growing up, everyone watched or read fairytales, where the handsome prince kills the dragon—where true love conquers everything. Isn't this the same thing?
I could have died yesterday. Who knows I might die tomorrow, or ten years from now, but one thing is for sure, what happened yesterday had given me a new perspective on everything.
I don't want to live 20 or 50 years, if it means I am not truly living. If I don't get to experience the one thing that is truly innocent, real and god given, like loving someone else unconditionally. Connecting, and being candidly one with another. If that is the case, then I don't even want to live a day in this dreadful world, let alone a lifetime.
"And I promise to be by your side until you do not want me anymore. I promise to share your pain, to be there for you when you need me.
"I will give all that up … just for a day with you."
"Choose me, Godric."
It was right here on this rooftop that I promised him I would stay by his side; I would give and give up everything to be with him, so what change?
Undoubtedly nothing.
In fact I'm more madly in love with him than I have ever been. Sometimes we let affection, go unspoken, sometimes we let our love go unexpressed, and sometimes we can't find words to tell our feelings, especially towards those we love the best. I am never going to let that happen.
As I ponder this thought, I heard someone clear their throat, bringing me back to reality. I quickly pulled back with a gasp, turning around to see Godric. He stood a few feet away from me, in black shirt and dark baggy sweatpants that make his white skin and colorful eyes stand out. His foot was bare, as he took a step toward me.
My eyes noticed every little details about him, even small things normally my eyes wouldn't catch. Probably the result of the blood I in-took last night.
But that is not where my mind focused. What caught my eye was the expressions he wore. I did not know what it was, nor could I put my finger on it. Nevertheless, it made my heart ache in a way I never experienced before.
He opened his mouth to say something, only to pause and change his mind. "It's going to rain." He stated in a low voice as an afterthought. "You should get inside." I did not reply except stared at him openly, all my thought for the pass hour coming together. A moment seemed to pass, as he seemed to stare right back at me, his eyes searching my face.
What he said next completely caught me off guard though, "are you going to leave me?" He questioned in honest, yet saddest voice ever.
"What—why would you assume that?" I incoherently mumbled, not knowing where he got that idea. How could I possibly do that, after everything we been through?
"Your feelings, something has changed toward me." He mattered, his eyes drifting away from me. It was unbearable to watch him like this.
"Aw, Godric—" before I could finish, he interrupted me.
"What happened—it was wrong of me. You should never have to experience something like that. I could not help myself. The monstrous part it though, knowing what I know now, how disappointed you are in me, if I could go back, I will still make the same choice."
"You can't say things like that, Godric. There are always options. You can't kill everything that threatens my life. It can't work like that; we have to find other ways. Remember, you said yourself that you want to find redemption, and this is not how you do it."
"I know, but… Anna, you must realize I would kill a whole army for you… if it means to keep you safe." His words were sweeter than honey, and it made my heart skip a beat. I filled the small space left in-between us, grasping his hand in both of mine, bringing it to my lips.
"But you heard him, Godric, he was in pain, just like you were, he was driven by anger as you were. He lost the one he loves to a vampire, just as you could have lost me. I forgave him, Godric, and you should have done the same. You could have glamoured him, make him forget he ever met me."
"I could not… I could not take that risk, the possibility he might remember. You mean… you mean the world me." His voice was shaky, yet so still. I couldn't help but smile and tear up. I pressed his hand to the thumping against my ribs, letting him know what his words did to me—does to me. Letting him feel how my heart flickers like butterfly wings.
How could he possibly think I will leave him when he drives me crazy like this?
We stayed like that for a moment, before I stepped backwards, giving him my hand, hoping to change the topic. "Would you like do dance?" I asked him lightheartedly. He stared at my hand only for a second, before he carefully accepted. His fingers intertwining with mine, as he placed his other hand to my waist. "I am a horrible dancer." He replied, making me giggle.
"That's Impossible. With the vampire grace you have, one thing is for sure, you will never be horrible at dancing. Me on the other hand is a complete different story. Hopefully, you won't feel too much pain when my tiny feet stomp all over you." I replied placing my hand in the back of his neck, my fingers gently playing with his soft hair.
"I'll be the judge of tha-" before he could even finish saying his sentence, my flip-flop covered his toe. We both looked down, chuckling simultaneously. I tossed my shoes aside, copying his bare foot-ness, ready to give it another try.
"Maybe there is another way…" The vampire spoke, thinking out loud. His arm that was around my waist got firmer, lifting me up slightly, before placing each of my foot on his. I looked down, noticing how my miniature feet were stepping on his, but this time intentionally. He moved in what it seemed to be a slow dance, his rhythm following the soft music that was still echoing from the coffee shop across the street.
"See, you're not so bad." He voiced in a whisper, conveying my eyes to his. I couldn't help but smile, his action bringing my memorable childhood memories. How my dad and I used to dance. He used to take turn between all his three girls, as we fought over who goes first.
"Godric?" I voiced with tears in my eyes, "I am never going to leave you. Never." All he did was smile back, pulling me closer to him. His cool lips found mine in gentle, almost feathery touch, in his way of believing what I said.
I laid my head on his shoulder when his lips broke from me, finally my height being the same as his. I closed my eyes enjoying the moment. Godric's step was constant; each move followed another, his rhythm never swaying, never stopping. I held him tighter when I felt the soft drops of rain, his prediction coming true like always.
"Anna?" He questioned to which I only hummed in answer, enjoying the cold plummets of rain as it seep through my attire. "Look up," he uttered, sounding a bit uncertain. I did know what to expect, but I did as he said anyways, only to gasp loudly, a squeaking sound leaving my lips. My hand immediately got tighter around Godric, my finger digging into his skin.
We were in the air.
Literally, about twenty foot in the air. Floating…
"Oh—my—god, we're floating—flying. You're flying, Godric. How—why are you flying?" It was a mumbled slash jumbled thought all that came out at once. All he did was chuckle, pulling me closer as if achievable.
"It's alright, relax, I won't let go. Sometimes, the older vampires get, some tend to fly. It's rather normal." My eyes took the views of my surrounding, buildings stretching out for miles, twinkling light draped over everything, making it look like a Christmas tree.
"How come you never told me? You're like a super hero." I voiced cheekily, the geek comic fan deep me inside of showing bit.
"Hardily, and you never asked," was his reply. How could I ask about something when I did not even know it was possible?
The rain seemed to fall harder, although none of us were aware of it. "If this is what you consider normal, I wonder what's strange for you is."
"I think you're strange, for caring for me." He murmured catching me off guard. "You saw that boy yesterday, he loved you and you did not even know it. I wonder how many men out there wish for your affection… deserves your affection. Yet, you picked me…" I watched his beautiful face as he spoke, the rainfall running down his face, some cling to his lashes, only to be blinked away. It was mesmerizing.
"Godric… I don't just care about you… I… I love you. I always have, I love you so very much." I let out a breath, feeling like having a ton of weight be lifted off of me. "I know we haven't known each other that long, but I can't help it, I will wait until you're ready to reply it back, whatever long it takes you; I promise I'll wait patiently. You don't—uhmp." My nervous babble was cut short, when he pressed his lips hard against mine.
I grabbed on to his shirt, compressing myself decisively to him. The kiss was roughly passionate, as he forced his tongue pass my lips skillfully. I was happy to get respond from him, as I met his tongue with full force, clinging to his sweet intoxicating taste. His tongue and lips pushed farther craving for more. His hand gripped the back of my head, his fingers digging into my wet hair. One of his hands grabbed my thigh, lifting me up, adjusting my weight to his flying body. My legs immediately moved to wrap around his waist like always. The rain did not help, in fact, it just seem to enfold around us like a blanket. I held on for dear life as our tongue danced together. When I couldn't take holding my breath any longer, I broke the kiss.
"Wow," was all I could utter.
"My dear Anna," he started his voice sounding magnetically content. "I have never loved, nor will I ever love, as much as I love you." He declared it in a way that made my tears fall, mixing with the rain.
"Do you really?" I asked childishly, wondering how someone so amazing, so breath taking, could ever feel this way about me.
"With all that I am."
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