A/N: Please excuse all fail attempts at humor, for I do not know how to write humor.

("It's harder to make people laugh than to weep in this sad, sad world." ~Jose Y. Dalisay Jr.)

Disclaimer: Yoshihiro Togashi knows how to cook. And own HxH.

OWC: 3,434 words

Chapter 7:

MORE THAN JUST THE KITCHEN

[Kurapika's POV]

"Up we go."

I bent down and carried Akane on my back after Gon had applied basic first aid on her. Gon had tied a handkerchief—one which had been tied at the edge of his fishing rod to give him an easier grip—around the still fresh and open wound to stop the bleeding and to keep it from infections they might encounter in the marsh. I could only thank the heavens for the miracle as we reached the second test site safely.

But of course it wasn't only I who was drowning with thanks to whatever savior in the cosmos existed that had saved her—and all of them. Inside, I somehow knew, that although Akane looked like she had completely forgotten about it, she was drop-dead grateful that she had been saved. Her hold tightened around Kurapika's neck, whispering a silent thank you, her hesitance betraying that she was not exactly sure if I had heard it right or heard it at all. But I did and I smiled.

When we approached the two steel doors that hid the next exam behind it—the sight not really aesthetic—I immediately felt Akane tense on my back, but I couldn't be sure if she just wanted the exam so badly or she was scared. I put Akane down by a nearby tree and she sighed in relief. But she didn't just let go of my neck that easily. She held onto me, feeling the strength return to her legs. I bent down so that she would not have that hard a time.

"Thank you," she murmured to my ear, breath warm on my skin.

I smiled. "Of course."

And after that, we waited, probably at least fifteen more minutes, sitting just there in utter silence between ourselves. I had made a move to talk to Leorio, but the conversation got boring so I left him alone to sit near Akane, but not too near. Gon was busy with Killua doing something to the trees nearby. But Akane had not made any move to socialize with the people around her; she just sat there, cradled by the roots of the tree, decaying and old, feeling one with the earth as she took a deep breath.

The air smelled like freshly baked bread in the morning, like flour and sugar in one little sweet bunch dabbed in chocolate syrup. I knew that Akane was hungry and that she wasn't going to deny that. She looked at her hands and she thought she would see scars from the scrapings she had gotten from the rough roots, but she didn't. Akane felt like hallucinating, she thought she could smell food in the air. The scent of rice wine permeated in the air, attacking her senses.

Wait, rice wine in a place like this?

And then, as quickly as the scent had gone up in the air only to disintegrate with it, the two heavy steel gates in a giant, parking-lot like compound opened, its metal scraping against the solid, cemented grounds, making a screeching noise that hurt some of the participant's ears. Akane, who had finally decided to go to me, leaned toward me, wincing, covering her strained and probably over-sensitive ears.

It took only few seconds for the gate to successfully open before them all. And when they did, the examinees saw two odd figures—but of humans, this time.

One was of a giant man—that looks like a pathetic baby, I added in my mind—with a bulging stomach that seemed to catch most of the attention of the examinees. Meanwhile, the other was a woman with long and frizzy pink hair tidied in two high ponytails, wearing some kind of fancy suit and fishtail-leggings. They were certainly an odd duo.

The big baby—err, man—stood behind the woman who was lounging comfortably on a couch as if they weren't proctoring an exam. "So, these are the candidates, Menchi?" the big man yawned, his big hole of a mouth gaping open, releasing air into the outside world. And as he yawned, the trees outside swayed a little.

"So I see," the woman said, and turned to the candidates with criticising eyes, sharp like an eagle's eyes. She had a rebellious-teenager-mischief look on her young, young face. "My name is Menchi, and this is Buhara," she said, addressing all of the candidates present. "And we will be your examiners for the second test," she said.

Everybody kept silent, wishing for her to continue. I gulped down the bad feeling that had clogged up my throat, telling myself that I'll face it when I get there.

"And we," she paused, a grin making its way to her mouth. "Are culinary hunters."

Cooking? I thought curiously. What exam is this?

From where Akane stood beside me, she gasped "FOOD?" under her breath, a grin playing silently on her lips.

The first order was given by the big man named Buhara. He looked toward the heavens as if he was thinking of something really hard and deep to ask the candidates of, even if he had long thought of it before. "Mmm…" he said, thinking, and licked at his lips in a less creepy manner than how Hisoka did it. "I like nothing more than probably a roasted Great Sta—" he stopped, watching a parade of giant pigs run to our right. "—mp. That one."

All contestants, Akane included, suddenly ran off after the stamps/pigs. I was quick to eye a sickly, staggering one, half-hoping that that one would fit the big man's appetite even if less healthy.

I snorted. I think anythingwould be okay in the big man's appetite.

At first, I watched how the others successfully used different tactics to take down the Stamp, while chasing after the individual I found. That prey was mine alone. And I found out that only one technique out of so many worked—and that was ramming your foot into the stamp's giant yet vulnerable forehead.

From the corner of his eye, I saw Akane suddenly come out like a ninja from her hideout in the trees. She swept her yellow locks away from face, and then suddenly threw a kick that was just slightly too strong for a girl her age and her size into one of the Stamps' almightily large head. Caught off guard, my jaw almost dropped unconsciously. She saw me and she flashed a cheeky grin in his direction. Two words were mouthed by Akane—Martial Arts. Suddenly, everything made sense to me, as I clapped my mouth shut, trying to save face.

I decided not to waste any more time and I followed her example. I went head-on to the charging stamp and made him fall with three hits of my sheathed kan, along with five kicks and two punches to his forehead. (Blame me for being paranoid; I was thinking, 'What if he doesn't fall? I MUST KICK HIT PUNCH oh there he's gone.')

And when I saw the stamp fall, I rushed to it and made sure it wasn't breathing. It wasn't, and that was my cue to sigh in relief. And when I was sure that it was dead, I looked at the creature, my eyebrows tingling.

And how in the seven seas will I cook you?

I walked around, back to the exam site, the great stamp I had caught in tow. As I was walking, I saw this curious patch of weeds and decided to prepare it right there. I dumped the creature there. I plucked some of the palm leaves and rolled the creature carefully in it. Needing fire, I rubbed two stones I had found nearby like I was some kind of old caveman, and soon I got the pig steamed… roasted…

…burned.

Tossing water to the burning stamp from the lake, I got the pig out of the fire. I wiped the sweat off my face. Would my salty sweat add flavour to it? I dragged the giant pig, using the huge leaves underneath it, to get it toward the big man. And Buhara the baby-man chewed the pig – almost even the bones – completely and tossed the remains away.

Later, he said everybody successfully passed his side of the test.

The beating in my heart slowed. That was Part A of Test 2 finished. Part B was just about to begin…

"Mmph. Why are you being so EASY on them, Buhara?" Menchi sighed, annoyed. She turned to all of us, and said, "Now you'll never know who of them really deserve to be professional Hunters. It's a heavy duty, you know? Tsk!" She leaned toward us and stared us down. "This, anyway, will probably take the sucky ones out." She grinned a devilish grin. "You… are going to cook for me Sushi."

When everybody remained silent, she continued, "The materials needed are in each of the respective stations, and they contain every single thing you might or might not need for the preparation. There are also basic ingredients there," But the ingredients needed for finer tastes are not given. The underlying message was obvious, I could see it in plain sight.

Everybody nodded, the question of how to cook sushi ringing in their heads.

"Here's a clue, it's fish. That's it," Menchi said, clapping her hands. "Your test starts now."

Akane walked determinedly toward one of the stations, and eyed the ingredients and stuff. I did the same. "Rice, knives of different sizes, a Scaling knife, and a chopping board. Definitely fish," she announced.

Personally, I had no utter idea what Sushi is. I grew up in a valley that lived on crops, barely any fish except those that came from the rivers nearby. But wasn't Sushi made out of sea fishes? Where were we supposed to find things like that here?

"Aww, and I thought this Sushi crap was made of chocolate," Killua groaned, frustrated.

"Chocolate?" Leorio asked, surprised. "Seriously, did you hear her? She said FISH. FISH, Killua. F-I-S-H. Let's see you try mix Chocolate with Fish, Killua, and make it taste right."

"I'm not stupid, Leorio," Killua said, but hissed under his breath – "not like you."

Ignoring the Killua and Leorio, who were fighting again for the stupidest of reasons, and Gon, playing with the knives, I turned and saw Akane with the knife and a long thread attached to it. "Where are you going?" When I stared at it, I realized it was a few strands of her long hair and a few threads of her maroon shirt, braided into a long, sturdy mini-rope.

"Fishing," she said, and walked out. "You should, too."

And I did what she told me to. I followed her promptly with my own knife in my hand, becoming even more aware, as the blade glinted under the sunlight, that my hands were actually shivering.

She headed out, straight to the river. The river sat between an open field and the woods, the trees—some of them different species or breeds of bamboo—bent over to the river, as if they were trying to get a sip. The river itself was crystal clear, reflecting with innocence and purity, like a crystal itself, the sky above. The rocks that formed the bed of the river were dark, shady, some dark green and some almost black already, and there were fish. A lot of fish that they were just a tad too easy to be caught.

Akane dragged me toward her. "There's good fish here, see. But…" she nibbled at her lower lip, her free right hand twiddling with the make-do rope.

"But?" I asked her, begging her, somehow, to continue what she was saying..

"I don't know how to … kill a fish," she said, the last three words almost a bit too hesitantly that needed, and I was feeling the "I-am-so-stupid" mental message radiating out of her body. I looked at her curiously.

I smiled. "I can do it for you, you know."

"But it will be cheating!" She said.

"How?" I asked, staring at the river, looking at the gray-scaled fishes that swam by as if there was no problem in the world, as if there was no threat that two or more of them would be killed in an instant. By me—I'm a merciless killer, I should be, for I am an avenger, and this was only my training ground.

She pouted at me, her face asking on its own, Are you actually really asking me that? "One, this is supposed to be individual, right?"

"But I want to help you as a friend, and you can help me, too," I told her, trying to defend my cause, and her face went blank as if she was considering my offer.

And then she finally responded to me. She cocked her head slightly to the side. "Help you? How?"

I grinned sheepishly, my moment of weakness about to be revealed to her. "I've never really caught a fish right, ever."

She laughed in gleeful delight, her laughter sounding like little bells pealing under the sunlight, from a church somewhere. "Maybe you could ask Gon for that."

I raised an eyebrow. She suddenly looked suspicious to me. How… "How did you know?"

She clamped her hands on her mouth, as if she had said something she shouldn't have, then took them away after a few. "I… uhh… considering his huge fishpole…"

I sensed that she did not want to talk about it, and I wasn't the person to mess around with her for some useless information. Besides, time was running, slipping like sand between our fingers. There wasn't much to waste. "Right," I said, and took the knife. "Can I do the first try?"

"Sure," she said.

I saw a wriggling fish and aimed at it, but, like I told her about my fishing skills, it escaped. "Not good. Not even." I returned the knife.

"Me next!" She said excitedly, and then, carelessly, recklessly, and almost as if thoughtlessly, she tossed the knife on the water and pulled the thread. There was a fish, around the size of both of her palms put together, wriggling at the end of the line. It was too fast for me to see the entire thing, it was as if I had just blinked and then, ta-da, Akane had a fish!

"Nice catch," I said, and removed the knife out from the fish's body. It wriggled, but I kept it down with my hand against its cold scales. "A-are you sure you want to see this?"

"I need to learn," she said, in a stubborn, determined voice that I've never heard from her. I winced a little, for it was a bit unfamiliar to hear it from her. And then, her voice went back to normal, comforting me. "Besides, it's just a fish. I'm sure I should be able to face bigger things that killing a stupid fish in the future, huh?"

"Okay," I said, and pushed the fish to her. "I want you to hold the middle part of the fish." She held the body firmly in her hands, just the way I told her to. "Thanks," I said, then went immediately to work.

I took the knife, brandished it, and then made quick, clean strokes to remove the belly. Her face, as she stared, was screaming some kind of, Oh my god, you killed the poor fish! Are you kidding me or something? But all I could do to respond to it was to grin. "I told you, you wouldn't wanna see this."

"N-no… I can still…stand this…It's just fish…ugh…" she said, watching silently as I removed the fish's blood red gills.

"Look…" I started to tell her, handing the fish in her hands, "if you don't want it, I can leave myself to my own skills," I said, not really understanding what I said.

"S-sorry… I was just shocked…" she said, and took the fish. "Do your stuff," she said.

We did the entire process another time, and this time she even volunteered to remove the gills. She did it with careful hands but she successfully did her goal and she giggled. She washed her hands in the clear stream, letting whatever blood rinse out. Then, she smiled at me—she faced her disgust to killing the fish!

I smiled at her, feeling slightly proud for a reason that I could not explain. I stood up and said, "To our sushi?"

"To our sushi," she nodded. "Whatever it may be."

When we returned to our stations, I took my fish to the chopping board and, after removing the scales from it, sliced it into small rectangular pieces. Not knowing what to do, I wrapped the fish slice in the bread and then dipped it in the salty substance of liquid. Maybe this is Sushi.

I presented it to Menchi, and to my nerve-wracking horror, she said, "Not even close." But what was I to be surprised? I had utterly no idea what sushi looked like. Trying to close my mouth which had gaped open, an at-wit's-end expression crawling over my face, I shook it off and proceeded to my cooktop.

"Not that?" Akane asked, peering at my workstation as she busied herself.

"'Not even close,'" I said, mocking Menchi, sarcastically.

"Aww, and I thought…" she trailed off, looking at the round ball in her hands, white as snow. It was sticky rice dipped in rice-wine. "Next plan," she said, and bit the ball.

Somehow it just took a bit too long. We experimented on the rice and the fish, and how we would present it. We rolled it, placed the fish on top, and almost all possible maybe, that passed on our sushi-clueless minds.

But none of our stupid guesses were correct.

Oh, and Menchi was getting full. We had to do it quickly.

And then, we were all interrupted from our trials with a loud noise. "WHAT DID YOU SAY?" I heard her bellowing scream, coming from deep into her diaphragm, all the way up to her lungs, full with her power.

All eyes turned to the bellowing Menchi, who in turn saw the mesmerized Hanzo, the bald 'ninja', who was scared out of his skin. But he continued to argue with her, his pride getting in the way with rationality.

"THIS IS CRAP! I'M TELLING YOU THIS IS THE EXACT RECIPE, RAW FISH ON TOP OF VINEGAR-DIPPED RICE—" Hanzo suddenly stopped, realizing what he had done.

Fish on top of Vinegar-dipped rice, I chanted in my hand and quickly did what Hanzo said and, with the rest of the candidates, all at the same time, showed our dishes to Menchi. There was fear in Buhara's eyes, and somehow I knew that he knew what was going to happen next.

"NO, NO, NO!" She shouted, throwing all the dishes aside. There was a loud crashing noise that we couldn't help hear, our ears hurting. "YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU!" She pointed angrily, as if drunk. "YOU FAIL! YOU ALL DO! YOU ALL FAIL!"

Outstanding silence ensued between all the candidates that formed the crowd.