(RED enters Viridian City with his two brand-new Pokemon in hand, freely walking with his junk fluttering in the breeze delicately. Every passing citizen in Viridian stops to gawp openly at him, though all are too stunned to stop him and offer garments or mental assistance. As RED travels down the path to the Pokemon Center, he comes upon an OLD MAN, who is sitting in front of his house with a glazed expression on his face. Upon spying our scantily clad hero, he snaps to attention and leaps to his feet, stopping RED in his tracks)

OLD MAN
My stars, son! You aren't wearing any clothes!

RED
So what? I had to give up my clothing when I lost a Pokemon battle because I don't have any Pokedollars. Everything, including my shoes. And I kind of like it. Being nude feels like freedom.

OLD MAN
(Claps RED approvingly on the shoulder) Good for you, young man! I've always wanted the world to be my nudist colony. But be careful about where you go around these parts. Did you know that flapping your balls is actually grounds for arrest?

RED
(Horrified) No!

OLD MAN
Yes, it is! Some nonsense about "indecent exposure." It's just a penis; it's not like the women have never seen one, right? But I doubt you'll have anything to worry about. Carry on as you are. Just become an excellent Pokemon trainer and not a soul will protest whatever you do.

RED
All right!

OLD MAN
Don't forget to work out, too. The only naked men women want to see are fit ones.

RED
Okay, but I'm only ten.

OLD MAN
You're never too young to make the ladies giggle! Anyway, since you came from Pallet Town—

RED
How did you know that? I never told you.

OLD MAN
-You probably got your starter Pokemon from Professor Oak and don't know how to catch a wild Pokemon for yourself—

RED
Uh, wait…

OLD MAN
-On Route 101, so I'll go about teaching you how to capture—

RED
Hold on a darn minute!

OLD MAN
-A wild Po—

RED
I CAUGHT A MANKEY ON ROUTE 101 ALREADY! SHEESH!

OLD MAN
SHUT UP, WHIPPERSNAPPER! QUIT INTERRUPTING YOUR ELDERS! I'M ONLY TRYING TO HELP!

RED
YOU AREN'T HELPING!

OLD MAN
YOU'RE DELUSIONAL! MANKEY DON'T APPEAR ON ROUTE 101! ONLY RATTATA AND PIDGEY!

RED
Seriously, I did. (Releases MANKEY from its Pokeball, which is still drenched in PENIS's String Shot) See? I told you.

OLD MAN
Egad! What did you do to that poor Mankey? You're too young to be getting dirty with Pokemon, son.

RED
It's not mine, I swear!

OLD MAN
Who's is it, then?

RED
My Penis's.

OLD MAN
This talk about penises reminds me of how much I miss my wife…

RED
Penis is my Metapod.

OLD MAN
(Smiling nostalgically) Of course it is, son. Of course it is. My wife liked it when I called mine a Metapod, too.

RED
Ergh.

OLD MAN
Do you want me to teach you or not?

RED
(Grumbles) Fine, I guess so.

OLD MAN
Great! Then the first thing you need to do is get on your Flying Pokemon and use Fly to go to Cinnabar Island.

RED
… Huh? Aren't you teaching me how to catch a wild Pokemon?

OLD MAN
Yes. What else am I doing?

RED
First off, I don't even have a Pokemon that can fly. I have a Mankey and a Metapod. Secondly, I don't even get to teach anybody Fly until like, the fifth gym. Thirdly, where the heck is Cinnabar Island? I've never even left my house in my entire pathetic life.

OLD MAN
Oh, fine. I guess I'll lend you mine. (Under his breath) Selfish youngsters, expecting everything to be handed to them these days. (Removes a Pokeball from his pocket) Go, Mewtwo!

(MEWTWO pops out in a billow of smoke from the OLD MAN's Pokeball)

RED
WHAT? You have a MEWTWO?

OLD MAN
Is there something wrong with that? I used to be a hotshot trainer back in my day! I'm not the first to defeat the Elite Four!

RED
You went to the Cerulean Cave and caught Mewtwo, for one thing, and now you're telling me that you're a past Pokemon Champion? Who the heck are you?

OLD MAN
I'm God!

RED
Are you sure there isn't a nursing home somewhere that isn't looking for you?

OLD MAN
Not exactly. There's actually a heart transplant patient in Pewter City, just waiting for me to croak! Now let's get hopping, son! (Leaps upon MEWTWO, grabs RED eagerly by the hand, and the pair zip off at the speed of light)

RED
HELP! HELP! I'M BEING KIDNAPPED!

OLD MAN
Oh, shut up! I'm not kidnapping you.

RED
You aren't?

OLD MAN
Of course not! Use context clues! If you're naked, what am I doing?

RED
(Thinks for a moment) Ah, right then. (Screams at the earth thousands of feet below) HELP! HELP! I'M BEING RAPED!