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"I never wanted to know what Rachel thought about me."
Quinn could feel her cheeks hardening as she blushed. The girl's locker room was a flurry of movement around her, girls showering and changing from today's particularly tiring gym class. Quinn collapsed on a wooden bench, wiping the sweat from her forehead and taking a swig from her water bottle. Brittany stood beside her, slipping herself into a bouncy yellow and white sundress.
"That's what Santana told me." Brittany said matter-of-factly, as if this was a perfectly qualified answer to the question, "She said you wanted to know if Rachel liked you or not."
"No, that's not what I said!" Quinn's face flushed again as she pulled herself into clean clothes, "Last week I told Santana that I was pretty sure Rachel hated me, after all, I've been nothing less than awful to hear. A couple days ago in history, she passed me a note asking if I still wanted to know what Rachel thought of me. I said yes, but I didn't know what she was going to do!"
"Nobody could have predicted what Santana was going to do." Brittany smiled gently at Quinn over her shoulder as she strapped her sandals on, "That's the special thing about Santana. She's unpredictable, and you never know what you are going to get with her. I choose to love her unconditionally. I recommend you do the same."
"Unconditionally love the biggest bitch I know. Yeah right." Quinn rolled her eyes and took another sip of her water bottle, "Anyway, are you guys coming to the Cheerios tryouts after school today?"
"Um, duh." Brittany narrowed her eyes at Quinn, "Why? Are you a spy from the Caramels? Are you going to sit behind the bleachers and watch us every move to figure out how to beat us at Nationals? Is that it?"
"I remind you that the Caramels is Carmel High's cheerleading team, and that I go to McKinley." Quinn giggled and tossed her a look, "No, I just…I was considering going to the tryouts myself. You know, I think I'm ready to finally make a new start at McKinley. I'm determined to do well this year. I must gain my lost popularity back, and I must be a Cheerio again. Besides, I miss the competition and the ponytails. Do you have a change of exercise clothes I can borrow for this afternoon?"
"Of course, I have an extra pair of pants and a shirt." Brittany replied, passing Quinn the clothing, "You never know when you will encounter acid rain."
Quinn turned from Brittany so she didn't notice the huge grin that had spread across her face. "Thanks Britt." She said relieved, packing the clothes into her bag.
"Well well well." Brittany slung her own bag over her shoulder and turned to Quinn with a sweet smile, "Looks like we finally have old Q back."
If only she knew, thought Quinn. This year had only just started.
"Why was Artie in on the whole situation with Rachel?"
Quinn was trailing behind Santana and Brittany, as they bustled quickly down the hallways of McKinley, arm in arm. Santana sighed and shook her head slightly, turning over her shoulder to face Quinn, "Wow, you aren't obvious at all. You really care about this whole thing don't you? Like the attention?"
"No, it's not that." Quinn hurried to keep up with the Cheerios, "I just want to know how Artie was in on it." Blushing slightly, she added, "I don't think Rachel wants her thoughts and feelings projected for the whole glee club to see, and already you two, Artie, and Mike know."
"I just needed someone to tell. This is juicy stuff, Berry admitting to be in love with you when she has a monster boyfriend. But really, why do you care? Don't you hate Rachel?' Santana cast a knowing look at Brittany who giggled and covered her mouth. Quinn swallowed hard.
"Anyway Quinn, its nothing to be embarrassed about." Santana sighed and examined her nails, "Rachel likes you, and there's nothing you can do about it. People may tease her and slushie her, but why should you care? She brought it upon herself."
"I do care."
It was like a dark cloud on the horizon, slowly approaching, unavoidable.
Quinn felt hot tears spring to her eyes, so she turned away and muttered, "I'll be right back."
Santana and Brittany made eye contact, and Santana shrugged, "Well isn't someone touchy. Don't miss History, it starts in 5 minutes."
Quinn bolted toward the bathroom, clutching her books to her chest. She was terrified by the idea that Rachel could be harassed if the secret got out. She did care. Quinn didn't want Rachel to be blamed and hurt for just having feelings. Quinn would never want to be treated that badly because of her feelings, and she wanted the same for Rachel. She was terrified of what could possibly happen if people found out, if the school found out. And then there was the small black recorder in her bag…
The bathroom door clicked behind her, and Quinn heaved herself into a stall. She collapsed to the floor, rummaging in her bag for the recorder. She gripped it tightly, pressing it up to her cheek, longing for Rachel's melodious voice to tell her over and over, "I'm in love with Quinn."
"I'm in love with you too Rachel, I love you, I love you, I love you." Quinn had reduced to sobs, the sounds of tears echoing around the empty bathrooms, echoing off the plastic blue walls of the stalls where endless etchings have been etched. Her trembling hand traced the words that people had cut into the plastic ages ago, messages that would have faded if they weren't fueled by such love, hope, and compassion. Quinn sat for a moment, her tearstained eyes mulling over the messages. "R + J = Always," "A true friendship lasts forever," "Peter, you were the greatest dog a girl could ask for. Have fun chewing those delicious bones wherever you are big buddy."
Quinn pressed her palm to the side of the stall, pushing herself up to her knees. Her eyes followed the messages as they twisting into a tornado of letters, covering every inch of the stall wall. Her eyes flickered over a sentence, and she noticed that the bubbly handwritten was somewhat familiar. "Did you know dolphins are just gay sharks?" She read, her fingers tracing the letters as she skimmed over them, "I love you my dolphin, my shark, my Brittany."
She knew who had written the message. She just didn't expect Santana to be so brave as to write the message to Brittany on the wall in a public bathroom. True, it wasn't in clear sight, for it was in the upper corner above the toilet. Quinn glanced over the rest of the stall, the hundreds of messages and love letters written from someone in love or from lover to lover. The recorder still lay on the floor, right at the base of the toilet. Quinn picked it up and set in gently in her bag, before reaching for a black sharpie. She uncapped it, nervously sticking the cap on the end.
Biting her lip, scanning the walls, Quinn found that the corner opposite the one Santana had written in was perfectly clean. Her tears had dried, but her heart was heavy. Her mind was working on its own, and Quinn found her hand gently moving across the wall. She wrote neat letters, printed in a line where the top of the stall ended.
I love you Rachel Barbara Berry.
Quinn's breath was coming in shaky gulps, and she lowered herself onto the toilet seat, gripping the sides so tightly her knuckles turned white. Her vision was blurred with tears. It was like a monster was inside of her, clawing her insides, desperate to come out. She didn't even know who she was anymore. Lucy Quinn Fabray was a stranger, and this new girl who had just wrote "I love you Rachel Barbara Berry" on the wall of a public bathroom stall was also a stranger.
Quinn had lost herself.
Rachel always looked forward to History with Mrs. Kaman.
It was a good class, the topics they discussed were always interesting and the students actually did their work, which was a rarity. History was usually peaceful, which was a nice break from the passing notes and constant whispering of the other classes. Rachel always had a good time, paying attention as well as she could and tracing hearts in her notebook around the initials "R + Q".
She only used the notebook for homework of course, so she wasn't worried about anything seeing what she had drawn. She didn't know whether she had a crush on Quinn really, but she was endless fascinated by the beautiful blond. She wanted to be her friend at least. She wanted to be her everything. Rachel and Quinn was how it was supposed to be, how Rachel always dreamed it of being.
Quinn, Brittany, and Santana were in the same History class as her. Rachel sat in the back of the room, while the trio sat in the same proximity in the front. That meant that Rachel could daydream and watch the blond at her leisure. It was weird to think about how much she did like Quinn. Tracing her initials with Rachel's own didn't seem like such a big deal, but if everyone else discovered it, it would be.
Rachel confidently strode through the halls of McKinley High School, her bag under one arm, and her handsome boyfriend on the other. Finn had been expressing his worry about Puck, how his grades still weren't picking up and this was senior year. Rachel had politely been listening, but had not really given much thought to it. She was too anxious to lay eyes on Quinn.
Rachel watched with wide eyes as Brittany and Santana made their way into the History classroom ahead of them. They were arm and arm, standing very close together, their noses almost brushing as they whispered and giggled amongst themselves. Rachel felt a sudden rush of warmth.
"Well, looks like we're here." Rachel turned to face Finn, grinning up at him. He was very cute, his deep brown eyes and his sweet little smile. He leaned down and kissed her quickly on the nose, before leaning back and smiling at her. "I'll see you later." He whispered, his sideways smile shining down at her. Rachel couldn't help but smile a little, but it felt like she was working all the muscles in her body just to smile at him. "See you later." She replied quietly, as Finn leaned down. She could feel a kiss coming on, but a sudden familiar flash of blond in the corner of her eye stopped her. She smiled awkwardly, stepping back a little from Finn. Rachel could see the hurt in his eyes, the confusion radiating off of his body. Before she could do anything more stupid, she sidled through the crowd and stepped through the entranceway to class. The blond hair from before had just been a Cheerio, kissing her boyfriend one more goodbye.
Quinn never came to class. Every time she saw the slightest movement outside the closed door to the classroom, Rachel quickly glanced up. She added a dozen hearts to the maze of drawings that adorned the inside cover of her notebook. She could feel Quinn's absence. The usual sense of warmth and color in the room was gone, leaving the room cold and gloomy.
Before Rachel knew it, the bell rang, and not one shred of information from today's lesson had transferred into her head.