I'm always wanting you.

-BLINK-182

Gabriella's Mind

I've always noticed that Blink-182 is one of the best bands in history. I don't think it's distinctively what they sing, or the feelings they capture, but more-so their lead singer, Tom Delonge. He was the sex of the world, I swear. He still is. I could sit and listen to him all day. His voice is so damn wonderful, like a gift sent from the heavens. God seriously put in a vocal box for him and said, "Use this."

All of this played from my radio, loud and clear. Basically, it's about a guy who fucks with a bunch of girls, but he can't get his mind off of that certain one. It's like, despite what he does, he's still attached to the girl. I'm not sure why I'm particularly drawn to this song, or why any body else would be. But I seriously think his hormones were out of control when he wrote this. Seriously, he sounds so fucking horny; it's almost as if he can't stand it any longer. He's yearning for her.

I have no clue why this has anything to do with the fact that I almost kissed Troy Bolton, and that he almost looked upset when I backed away. I really don't know why I think so randomly sometimes, but hell, I guess we all do, don't we?

I can't really explain why I turned away from him, why I pretty much dismissed something I really wanted, something I thought about more than anything. I wanted to pursue it; I wanted to just get him going, to get him excited. I couldn't stand the way he looked so vulnerable, the way he would 'casually' adjust his member when I wasn't looking, the way he would bite his bottom lip when I mentioned anything that had to do with masturbating. I couldn't handle that he was so innocent. I felt like I knew him almost, like I had to feel guilty for leading him along on this little rope of mine. With Ryan and Chad, it was so much different. They were like saints, yes, but with Troy, he wasn't a saint, he was like an angel.

I can't act like I know exactly what I felt at that moment in time, or what forced me to jerk out of it, what frightened me half to death. Maybe it was because I actually felt something real when I was looking into those eyes. Or maybe it was just his eyes in general. If there was one feature of Troy Bolton that surely could mesmerize you, it'd have to be those eyes. They were blue, but they were different than most blue eyes. They had more colors to them, as if they had some gray in them, and some green. Like he has the type of eyes you'd see on a celebrity in a movie, or some model, or something. They were unrealistically eye-catching, and once you got caught in them, well, shit, it's hard to get out. They played tricks on you.

Maybe it was the way his hair was, the way it dried from that shower so quickly, and just scattered across his forehead in a swept mess. It was like he did something to him, as if he put tons of products on it or something, but I knew he didn't. It just moved on its own, it created its own style.

I think what got me was the look in his eyes. It wasn't like anything I've ever seen. Sure, there was a mixture of curiosity, possible desire for us to just meet. I could tell by the way he would take steady breaths, the way his legs seemed to shift awkwardly, the way his eyebrows would soften. But there was something bizarre noticeable in his eyes also - fear. Yes, I just thought that . . . fear - like, when you go on a camping trip and you see a bear, you're about to piss yourself because you're so afraid of the thing. He seemed shaky, maybe even panicked. I wondered if maybe the reason he was doing it was just because of obligation, because he didn't know how else to react. But no, that didn't seem possible, the way he was acting nervous . . .

So, yeah, besides the burning fervency of want I could see in his eyes, he also seemed scared shitless. I don't know why, but I started feeling felonious, like I was doing something wrong. In all truth, I kind of was. We hardly knew each other. I was treating him like I would treat any other man back in New York City. It was obvious that kids from around here weren't like them. They weren't for the whole 'hook-up' thing. They were dead-serious.

Troy, I'm not sure what he was. I could tell he had his serious side, by the way he said, "You're beautiful." I can't really explain what I felt at that moment. My heart did something it hasn't done in a year. I felt some kind of cadence. My heart seemed to dance, almost fathomed. It seemed absurd. I was almost grateful, like it almost sounded truthful. He looked so sincere. But at the same time, when I was asking him personal questions, he started answering! He actually admitted that he masturbates in the shower. Seriously, that was fucking insane. I couldn't help but think maybe, just maybe, beneath the good, 'I love you - you love me' exterior held something a bit more naughty.

I wanted to let it out, and that annoyed me.

And well, I wanted to see how big he was.

Shut up, a girl's got to wonder.

Now, I didn't know what to do though. Yes, I completely fucked up; I lead him into thinking we were going to make out and then just moved away, like a little girl terrified of boys. I didn't ever pull away, no matter what. Also, something else happened tonight. I started expressing myself; I started talking about the past. I started to break. My walls fell down for a second. And he didn't even say anything to trigger it. It was just suddenly his presence alone. Yes, he was attractive, but that didn't mean I could start spilling my heart to him, could it? I didn't understand anything. I hardly even knew him well enough to trust him. He was a good guy, I knew that. He wasn't a jackass. He had feelings for other people. There were a lot of things he seemed to not give a shit about, but that just made me believe even more that I needed to discover what was going on with him. Now, I felt like I just ruined it all though.

My eyes lifted to that bulletin board, my eyes falling on Jason. Why'd you have to cause this? I'm a monster. I can't even care too much, it just doesn't feel right. I felt solid inside when I realized we were so close to kissing. I felt a void, as if it had just opened after all these months. My mouth went dry and I had a clench in my stomach, as if something had just punched me. I couldn't go through with it. Once going in, I'd never come out, and neither would he. It'd be a roller coaster, just a fucking roller coaster. And I'd fuck it up because of my habitual ways, because I have to be a whore, because I can't care too much. I can't shatter again; I can't let someone get the best of me again.

For that moment, I had lost my own self-control. That doesn't happen, and it never had in the past. I almost felt for a second that I couldn't pull away, that I couldn't do it. I couldn't move - my feet felt like they were glued to the floor. And finally, they moved.

I felt even worse when he shot me this almost hurt, shocked expression. He looked almost upset, disappointed that we hadn't gone through with it. I began feeling stupid for even pulling away in the beginning. Then, he shoved his hands into his lazy basketball shorts and left me alone, left me alone here to shrivel into nothing, feeling sorry for myself, while listening to Blink-182.

I walked outside, onto the balcony that was attached to my room. The stars polished the dark black sky, and New Mexico's heat seemed to fade down slightly. I just looked at the stars, remembering how when I was a little girl, I would always tell my mother, "One day, I'm gonna grab them, and pull them down." You know, regardless of how stupid that sounded, at least I had some sort of motivation, right?

My parents had gotten home and were arguing downstairs about the most shocking subject - me. Oh, they enjoyed bitching about me, about how I was such a worthless piece of shit, about how they should just leave me in the streets and let traffic run me over. They were fucking stupid.

"You . . . what?" Sharpay looked stunned, her brown eyes all big and animated.

"I almost kissed Troy Bolton." I said it monotonously, and I could tell that pissed her off too. I began to walk away from her, carrying my books alongside of me. I really hated school; I hated the fact that it was only Wednesday, too. The week was going by so fucking slow.

"Gabriella," Sharpay breathed, ganging up with me, "Troy is like the hottest guy in the school - everybody wants to touch him, everyone wants to be his friend, even the gay guys want him. No joke."

"Yeah, well shit, that sucks for him."

"You're insane. Seriously, you guys almost kissed! I can't believe you pulled away. He would have kissed you; you would have been kissing Troy Bolton!" Seriously, she repeated things, a lot.

"Look, you shithead, I told you, yes, he's hot as hell, yes I want in his pants, but last night was just fucked up for some reason." I didn't want to explain to her that I gave a shit, then she'd really spread the rumors.

"You don't seriously wonder how big it is?" She asked, stopping me from my trail.

" . . . Dude, of course I wonder how big it is. You think it's big?" I inquired, turning to face her, as if we were having a normal, everyday conversation.

To me, it was pretty normal.

"He has big hands." She's a jackass.

"I'm sure that screams it out. He kept touching himself and shit, I swear."

Her eyes were like bugs, "Oh . . . my . . . god, you're joking, right?"

"I swear he masturbates in the shower." I think she almost shit herself.

"REALLY? Oh my god, that is so hot!" People were looking at us funny as Sharpay just kind of bounced up and down like a retarded Furby.

"Yeah, but don't tell Chad or Zeke, I don't want a bunch of second grade shit started. Apparently Chad thinks we're getting married and Zeke is just a loudmouth." I told her, sternly, as I began to pick up my pace again.

"Well, duh, as if I would actually blab that around. Please, I'm not some dramatic gossip queen or something." I really didn't believe her when she said this, but whatever. "So, are you gonna like, ask him to hang out or something? I mean, this never happens, Troy never likes girls from around here."

I was kind of surprised by Sharpay's almost enthusiastic behavior. I thought she'd stomp her feet and make a big episode about Troy and I. My main point was to actually piss her off, but it only made her go ballistic and suddenly I just had to have sex with Troy. Maybe she just really wanted to know how big his penis was, I have no fucking clue. That girl is so jacked up in the head.

"I have no idea; he probably thinks I'm a weird-ass for moving away like that. I can't help it, that kid has some pretty eyes, it's almost unsettling." I halted at my first hour and turned to face Sharpay, who still looked exhilarated about the idea.

"Do you like him?" Dumb bitch, she always had to ask that.

"No, stop asking me that." I demanded, turning around and leaving her there. I was so sick and tired of her asking me those kinds of questions. Maybe I did like Troy a little bit but why did that even matter? She was such a nosy person; she needed to mind her own business.

Lunch came around swiftly and I found myself being surrounded by Chad Danforth and Zeke Baylor as I approached my locker. That was nothing new.

"Hey Gabriella," Chad wore that humble smile, a slogan t-shirt, and a pair of jeans as he approached me, Zeke at his side.

"Yo, yo, Baby G, what it do?" Zeke jested, that stupid smirk on his face.

"Oh, not much here, yo." I joked back, sarcastically, snatching my books. They basically invited me to sit with them at lunch for the rest of the school year. I wasn't really complaining - it was better than sitting alone or bugging Sharpay and Ryan.

"So, what are you up to this weekend, Gabriella?" Chad inquired, watching me with his big chocolate brown eyes. He had his arms folded and he was leaning on my locker.

"Uh, not much, probably partying."

"Aw, hell yeah girl, we gonna party it up. I'll buy some patron and you can sneak some weed."

"Ha, Zelda, that's a good one." I snickered at him. "I mean, hell, if you buy the booze, I'm good."

"I think it'd be cool if we got together sometime." Chad suggested. (Why the hell does he keep trying to hang-out with me? Obsessive virginal wildcats.)

"Yo, Troy!" Thank you Zeke! Actually, not so much thank you . . . fuck.

Zeke was waving at Troy Bolton, who was heading towards us.

Shit, damn, piss, cunt, fuck, ass, dick,

Yeah, I ran out of cuss words, shut up.

But seriously, I almost died. Troy just looked so good, in his jeans that seemed tighter than usual. Maybe I'm just really crazy about the idea that he has a body, that's all. And that stupid belt needed to be undone already. There were the stupid checkered vans, and a shirt that was all white at the chest and green on the sleeves. I've seen him wear a similar one that was red. Did he have like twenty? Geez.

When he got up to us, he said hey to Chad and Zeke, his books clinging to the side of him. Then, his eyes moved over to me and I stiffened. We both lingered there and our eyes didn't seem to move until Zeke said, "Alright, pussies, let's go get some lunch, I'm hungry."

Troy's eyes broke away from mine and I followed behind them as Zeke headed towards the cafeteria. I paused for a second, my mind overflowing.

Troy was barely passing me and he gave me an atypical cock of his eyebrows. He looked like he was going to say something, but he didn't. Zeke and Chad were already in the cafeteria. Seriously, they act like they like me, all obsessive and shit, but then they just don't even realize that I'm gone.

Troy was about to continue walking when I heard my voice, "Wait, Troy."

He turned around, hesitantly, and I found myself in his eyes, the eyes that I was talking about - the ones that play tricks on you. "Are you mad at me?" Stupid question, I guess, but I couldn't think of much else to say. It was weird how words were so futile right now.

I approached him, my old self taking the best of me, yanking him out of the cafeteria so nobody could see us. Now, we were in the hallway, he was leaned up against the wall, and I stood in front of him, inquisitive eyes bouncing back at him.

"No . . . I wasn't really, in my . . . uh, right mind last night . . ." The words clumsily came out of his mouth and he bit his bottom lip. Damn it, he doesn't have to do that so much.

"Likewise, but, dude, I don't know . . . I thought it was kind of fun." I let a rather provocative grin appear on my face and I watched as he took it in, shifting his eyes uncomfortably - so vulnerable.

"Yeah . . ." His eyes trailed.

"You didn't have a good time?" I asked, perplexed by his sudden distant behavior. Ha, sudden? As if, he's always like this!

"No, that's not it . . . it was cool," Troy looked like he was forcing the words out, "it's just . . . this is kind of weird, I mean, what was that? How did we get to that? Like, we weren't supposed to . . ." He looked so confused, and now he was sort of rambling, his eyebrows furrowed.

"You wanted to, didn't you?"

His eyes looked away from his shoes and met my own - blue met brown. It's hard to explain what his expression was. He looked startled by my honesty if that's good enough information, and possibly looked speechless, as if he didn't know what to say.

"Yeah."

Messily, the words came out of his wonderfully shaped lips and I found myself wanting to just shove him into that fucking closet over there.

Then suddenly he moved his hands through his hair, looking up to the ceiling with annoyance, "Man, did I just say that out loud? . . . Dang it." He murmured.

I couldn't help but chuckle at him, he was so fucking cute. "Oh, please, Troy, you looked like you were ready to bust out of your pants any second. Look, fuck Chad, and whoever else, I think you're really hot, and last-night I really wanted to. . "His eyes were on me, intensifying, "I don't know why I did that." I didn't want to lose the chance of getting with him though. "I think I'm going to your guys' game on Friday . . ."

"The tickets cost money." He informed me, still leaning against the wall.

"I kind of want a front row seat," I cooed, nearing myself to him. It seemed to get him because I could tell it was hard for him to breathe, he started inhaling a lot, "Think you could get me some?" I gave him flirty brown eyes and a sickeningly sweet smile.

He hesitated for a second, trying to keep his gaze away from me, but then he broke, and his eyes met mine, "Yeah . . . probably," He breathed, his breath tickling my face - something minty, I think, Icebreakers most-likely, "I mean . . . I guess."

He seemed so tongue-twisted.

"Aw, thanks, Troy, you're so sweet." I winked at him, and he slightly dithered.

"Um, yeah . . . I guess," He bit his bottom lip aggressively and then looked elsewhere, looking uncomfortable again. I wished he would just lighten up. "There's an after party afterwards . . . if we win, I mean, you know . . ." His eyes met mine again and I noticed something suggestive in them.

"Was that an invitation?" I snickered.

Nervously, he looked to the ground, "Yeah." Awkward ten year old or something.

The ridiculous part about it was that I thought it was cute.

"Well, sounds good, you guys will do awesome, I bet." My finger hung on his shirt, and a painful expression appeared on his face. I'm not sure if it was a painful good or bad, but there was something there.

I turned my heel, looking back to him one final time. His eyes remained on me, and they didn't move. A look of innocence appeared on his face, his lips departed momentarily. He licked his upper lip and I felt my knees slightly wobble. Fuck, what was wrong with me? Just walk away. And don't look back.

Yeah, I'm the queen of walking away.

God, I wanted him so bad, was this even normal?

We both took our seats at the lunch table, ignoring the strange looks that the guys were giving us. I could see the tension of jealousy appearing in Chad's attitude. What was wrong with him? I seriously felt like just saying, "Kid, you don't stand a chance."

So now, I kept thinking about Friday . . .

END OF CHAPTER

I know, it sucked, I'm sorry, don't hurt me! But, you'll notice that Gabriella kind of feels bad about things. She doesn't really want to hurt Troy, just because she feels like he's a really sweet guy. But at the same time, she can't stand not toying with him. The real question, how does he feel, and will she screw him over in the end like she has with so many other guys? Well, review to see what Troy thinks next chapter. PS, be excited because this is rated M, and that means there will be some . . . scenes in this story. I know, I'm stupid, I should stop being so dirty. :P I can't help it. I'm psyched. Love, Whitney.