A/N: I'm so sorry this took so long to post. I've been insanely busy. But here it is anyway. There's some strong opinions about adoption in here. Please don't be offended by them, they are things said in anger and I hope you won't think that they portray any judgment on my part in regards to those who have been connected to adoption. Otherwise, I hope you all enjoy! This chapter is un-beta'd. Please excuse any grammatical errors or typos.
The shopping cart had a squeaky wheel. Under the fluorescent lights of the Lima Target Superstore, Rachel's hair looked darker, almost black.
"I still can't believe you are agreeing to spend money here," the brunette sniffed disdainfully.
Quinn rolled her eyes. "I still don't understand why I'm not allowed to shop here or eat at Chik-Fil-A."
Rachel sighed dramatically and stopped the cart, turning to look at the taller girl, whose lips turned up in a bemused grin.
"Because, Quinn, they are anti-gay, and as you know, I am very supportive of my two gay dads."
"I know," Quinn said, rolling her eyes again, "But how is a company anti-gay?"
"They give money to anti-gay causes! Did you know Target gave money to a politician who supported executing GLBTQQI people?" Rachel flipped her hair over her shoulder indignantly.
"Alright, what the hell does QQI stand for?"
"Queer, questioning, and intersexed," Rachel said as if this were the most basic of information. "And when Target was confronted about that, they said they stood by their actions and didn't regret giving that politician the money." Rachel added, widening her eyes and waiting for Quinn's reaction. They stopped at a rack of shirts and both began rummaging.
"Well, I'm still not sure who 'they' are." Quinn said finally, pulling a long-sleeved, plain black shirt off of the rack at the same time as Rachel held up an identical one. They laughed and put them both in the cart.
"I suppose I'm not sure who 'they' are, either," Rachel continued after a moment, "Those who make those types of decisions within the Target corporation, I suppose. Anyway, you shouldn't support them by consuming their products."
Quinn shrugged as she threw some long, plain black pants into the cart. Rachel trailed after her. Quinn could feel her watching her carefully.
"I have black shoes so I don't need to find any here." Quinn offered lamely. Before Rachel could continue her lecture, Quinn spotted a dress on a rack and went after it. It was dark purple and very short.
"That's a nice dress, are you going to try it on?" Rachel asked quietly, coming up behind her. Quinn shrugged.
"Why not?" The brunette persisted, picking it up and holding it against the taller girl. Quinn looked down at it. It was some kind of shiny silk-like material. Quinn couldn't even remember the last time she had bought something just for fun. And even so, she had never worn anything so sexy, beyond the occasional Glee club costume. It wasn't too much shorter than her Cheerio's uniform, she estimated. She silently took it from Rachel's hand and put it in the cart with a grin. Rachel returned the smile.
Rachel waited outside the dressing room while Quinn tried on the black clothes, which she needed to wear backstage during the show. Quinn sighed as she looked at herself in a pair of black pants, letting her mind wander momentarily. The week before, Rachel had come over to her house after rehearsal. Quinn hadn't had anyone over since she had moved back in with her mom. Most of her friends had long since stopped trying to hang out with her, ether because she had lost so much social status or because they had been put off by her depression. Even Mercedes didn't want to hang out. Quinn guessed she was glad to have her space back. Add to that her mother's constant drunkenness and the sorry state of the house, and Quinn wouldn't have allowed anyone over anyway. But now that Judy was acting mostly normal and Rachel was so enthusiastic to have Quinn for a friend the blonde had been excited to have her over. In fact, and now she even admitted it to herself, she liked Rachel and she liked having a friend again. Her determination to use her for information about Shelby and Beth had grown to reluctance. If there was one thing Quinn had learned about her shorter counterpart, it was that Rachel was highly intelligent, and Quinn knew she would see her motives right away.
The two of them had sat with their backs against the side of Quinn's bed, joking about this or that, making fun of Jason. When they quieted down, Rachel said, "Your mother seems very nice."
Quinn shrugged and dug her fingers into the plush carpet. "She's alright."
"She let you come live and live here again," Rachel added, looking around at the fine furnishings of Quinn's tastefully decorated bedroom.
Quinn quieted her nerves and asked, "Do you ever see yours? Your mom, I mean."
Rachel stilled beside her, "No."
Quinn changed the subject abruptly, sensing the shorter girl's discomfort. Since then, she had been wary of broaching the subject, at first because she didn't want to sabotage the plan, but now also because she didn't want to make Rachel dig up all of painful memories and emotions she seemed to be suppressing.
Now, standing in the dressing room at Target holding up the indulgent dress the other girl had encouraged her to try on, Quinn realized it had become more about Rachel than Beth. After all hadn't she started this whole thing in order to be sure her daughter wasn't being hurt? Now she realized she was conflicted. She had never expected to be worried about Rachel's feelings as well.
She slipped the dress on over her head and attempted to zip it, struggling in futility for a few moments before she finally opened the door to the dressing room abruptly, looking for Rachel.
The brunette girl had been standing outside the dressing room fiddling with one of the useless plastic numbers the attendant had left on the counter. She turned and upon seeing Quinn in the dress, promptly let the piece of plastic clatter onto the linoleum floor.
"Oh!" she explained, blushing, "You scared me, it looks good!" she scrambled to pick up the tag and place it back on the counter.
Quinn chuckled, having become more accustomed to Rachel's eccentricities. She refused to read into them any farther than that.
"Can you zip me up?" she asked, stepping back into the dressing room so she could look in the mirror. Rachel followed her, half-closing the door behind her.
Quinn felt her hesitate behind her, then felt her fingers ghost over the smooth skin of her bare back before grasping the zipper and pulling it upward slowly. Quinn held her breath, watching the dress conform to her shape as the zipper closed. Rachel's hands rested momentarily on the taller girls hips. Quinn looked at them in the mirror. The silence in the tiny cubicle was thick with something she couldn't name. After a beat, Rachel pretended to brush lint off of the skirt of the dress and dropped her hands to her side, stepping back. Quinn felt cold air hit the bared skin on her back and shoulders as Rachel moved away. She shivered, looking at herself in the dress. She looked good.
"You look..." Rachel trailed off. For once words appeared to be failing at her. Quinn could see her eyes fixed to her body in the mirror. She blushed and turned, unable to stop herself.
"I look what?" she asked, putting her hands on her hips. Rachel took a small step forward, unable to move her eyes from the tiny dress, missing the confused emotions evident on the taller girl's face.
"You look...good." she finished, and Quinn could see her mentally cursing herself for her poor grammar and lackluster vocabulary.
"Good?" Quinn asked, raising an eyebrow, unable to pass up the opportunity to tease the singer.
"Amazing." Rachel whispered, and suddenly Quinn's back was making contact with the cold mirror while Rachel's hot mouth pressed against her lips. Quinn's hands flew up to cup the brunette's face, holding her there as she parted her lips and slipped her tongue inside her mouth. Rachel responded by sliding her hands around Quinn's waist. Quinn caught Rachel's lower lip between her teeth, tugging it into her mouth. Rachel made a low groaning sound in the back of her throat. It was so full of want, it took Quinn aback, and suddenly the reality of what they were doing, what it meant, hit her. She pushed Rachel away gently, fear, adrenaline, and confusion pulsing through her veins in a red hot heat.
Rachel looked slightly disoriented, her lips slightly swollen, her cheeks flushed a perfect pink that made Quinn want to close the short distance between them once again. Instead she opened the door to the cubicle and waited for Rachel to leave. The brunette looked worried and hurt.
"Quinn," she reached out a tentative hand toward the blonde. Quinn stared at the wall beside Rachel's head, unable to meet her eyes.
"Please, just…" Alarm spread through Quinn as she felt tears fill her eyes and begin to fall down her face. She turned away from Rachel, angrily brushing the hot tears away.
"Quinn," she said again, putting a light hand on her arm. Quinn jerked away, her heart pounding. She heard Rachel leave and close the door. Quinn struggled for five minutes with the zipper of the dress, unwilling to ask Rachel for help again.
Quinn spent the car ride home in horrified silence. What had happened was far too much for her to process. Everything she had refused to acknowledge ever since she had started working on the show was suddenly forced into harsh perspective.
A sniffling sound from the passenger seat pulled her out of her frantic worries. Rachel's head was bowed, but Quinn could see her face distorted in misery, silent tears falling onto the clasped hands in her lap as she held back a sob with great effort. The sight broke Quinn's heart in two, and the overwhelming realization that she cared about Rachel so much broke over her in alternating waves of emotion and terror. As she pulled up to the Berry house, she saw Rachel turn to her out of the corner of her eye. She turned her face away, unable to look at the shorter girl's sorrow. She heard the door open, then Rachel stepped out and closed the door again. Quinn heard the sobbing begin through the car door the minute Rachel turned toward the house. Quinn pulled out of the driveway and drove away, tires squealing lightly on the pavement in her haste to distance herself from Rachel's pain.
Quinn lay in bed, staring at the shadows on her ceiling, trying to sort out her feelings. Starting at the beginning, she worked through wanting to be a good mother to Beth by making sure she was happy, befriending Rachel to get to Beth, and actually becoming friends with Rachel. Whenever she approached the Target Incident, she was overwhelmed with conflicting emotions. The only thing that still made sense was Beth, being Beth's mother, seeing Beth. Quinn grabbed on to the notion like it was a life raft. Still, the thought of making Rachel cry more, causing her more pain, made Quinn's head reel and she buried her head in her pillow and finally allowed herself to cry, feeling the guilt wash over her as she made up her mind.
The next day was the final rehearsal before opening night – dress rehearsal. The cast would be in their costumes for the first time and they would run the show as if there was an audience. Quinn met the only other crew member, a pimply faced middle school student who was awkward, shy, and very intimidated by Quinn. His name was Reese and Quinn found him incredibly annoying. Jason called them into the house for a quick meeting before the run started.
"Alright, we're very happy to have you here, Reese. I know we already gave you the general run through, but I want to remind you that you'll be handling the guys' costume changes and Quinn will help with the girls', but if either of you find you need an extra pair of hands, you can collaborate. Quinn will be on and off headset throughout the show, so if you need to reach me you can do it through her. Break a leg, guys." Jason sped off, the last minute panic settling onto his facial features as he tried to check in with everyone. Quinn tugged at her clothes. She felt like a ninja in all black as she walked backstage, Reese trailing behind her like a puppy. She wouldn't be surprised if he was drooling.
Stepping into the hallway near the dressing rooms, she saw Rachel preparing to perform, sipping hot tea from a travelling mug.
"Hi, Rachel," Quinn said with a bright smile. Rachel looked startled, blushed, then looked extremely sad before she finally arranged her features into a cheery grin in response. Quinn was so relieved that Rachel was silently agreeing to pretend that nothing happened, she didn't even scold her for drinking tea in costume.
The show went well, all of the technicalities having been worked out during the week before. Quinn felt almost cheerful for the first few songs of the show, until Rachel's first quick change.
Quinn had known that she would be helping her, they'd been running the show all week and each night Quinn had been in the wings to meet Rachel when she came offstage for the song before the change. But there hadn't been costumes before, and Quinn hadn't really thought of the reality of what this would entail: undressing Rachel Berry, possibly coming into contact with her bare skin, before helping her into another pretty dress that made her look incredible. Suddenly, Quinn's cheer was replaced with dread as Rachel's song came to a close and she heard the brunette's character shoes tapping across the stage toward her. Quinn grabbed the dress off of a rack that stood against the wall and braced herself.
One look at Rachel's face told Quinn that she had just had a similar realization, however Gregory was already singing his song and the show was moving forward. Quinn threw the dress across her arm and quickly unzipped the one Rachel was wearing. Rachel shimmied out of it, handed it to Quinn, and stood in her bra and panties, cheeks flaming bright red.
Quinn told herself not to look as she slung the old dress over her shoulder and readied the new one for Rachel to put on while she changed her shoes. Don't do it, she told herself, feeling Rachel's eyes on her. She was thinking about chanting some old celibacy club mottos when her eyes fell on the taught, tanned skin of Rachel's stomach. Quinn's mind blanked completely as her eyes roamed from belly button to the soft curve of Rachel's breasts , the rounded hips, the long, golden legs…
Quinn helped Rachel pull the dress over her head in a hurry, furious with herself. As she zipped up the new dress and Rachel walked toward the stage once again, she thought she saw a smirk on the brunette's lips. Quinn hung up the old dress, cheeks flaming.
Opening night. Quinn had never been in a play before, and was soon discovering that opening night was somewhat of a religious holiday in the theatre. People brought thank you notes for all the members of the cast and crew, the older actress baked cookies, Rod gave a speech and the actors gave Jason and Quinn each a bouquet of flowers. Then all of the sudden she was telling the actors that the house was open, then that they were at "places," and finally the lights went down and the first song began. Quinn thought that all of the actors sounded especially incredible that night, and her appreciation for each of them grew exponentially, even Gregory. She could hear the audience laugh at all the right jokes and sigh at all the beautiful parts. Quinn couldn't believe that the people she had been working with for weeks were onstage, making all those people really feel something together.
This time, Quinn made sure to avert her eyes throughout Rachel's costume changes, and at the end of the show everyone was hugging and laughing, high on an adrenaline rush provided by the roaring applause at the end of the show. They all went down the street to a late night coffee house to celebrate.
The actors milled around the coffee shop, talking loud enough to entertain the other patrons. Jason was engaged in an intense argument with Gregory over who was better, Andrew Lloyd Webber or Stephen Sondheim.
"You can't deny Phantom, Jason," Gregory said, pointing his finger in Jason's face.
"Yeah, well, now you can go see the sequel," Jason spat out disgustedly, "And c'mon, West Side Story? Sunday in the Park with George? Into the Woods? Sweeney Todd? You can't say Cats beats all of them. I'll give you Evita, though."
Quinn shook her head, chuckling. She caught sight of Rachel at the other end of the shop, stuck in conversation with Reese and looking miserable.
"Hey, Rachel. Reese." Quinn said as she approached the two of them. "I hate to be rude but Rachel, can you come talk to me about that costuming issue you mentioned so I can tell Jason to put it in the performance report?" She made her eyes wide, signaling for Rachel to go along with the lie.
"Of course," Rachel said smoothly, "Please excuse me, Reese."
The two of them found a table in the back mostly hidden by a large potted plant. Rachel groaned, running a hand through her hair.
"Thank you, Quinn. I don't think he's ever talked to a girl before. It was excruciating."
Quinn laughed, peaking between the leaves of the plant to watch Reese looking around for them.
"How did you find your very first opening night?"
Quinn turned back to her, unable to keep the grin off her face, "Amazing! I've never been part of something like that before, where you just feel this…energy you're raising, like magic!" She felt foolish for sounding so cheesey, but she couldn't stop talking about it. "I've gotten a rush from cheerleading before, but nothing like that, where there's so many emotions."
"I'm so glad you enjoyed it." Rachel's eyes were sparkling, her hair falling around her face in soft curls. She looked so beautiful, so full of adoration for Quinn in that very moment, that the blonde couldn't face leading her on any longer.
"Rachel…how often do you hear from Shelby?"
Rachel looked taken aback at the abrupt change of subject. "Why?"
"I just wondered, you know, if you ever saw her." Quinn was inwardly cringing, screaming, running in the other direction. But she knew that this made more sense. That once Rachel figured it out, it would put an end to all of these confusing feelings.
"I told you, I don't talk to her very often. Why do you want to know?" Rachel's eyebrows were drawn together in confusion.
"I just wanted to know. Have you ever been to her house?"
"No," Rachel said, now looking cautious.
"Do you know where she lives?" Quinn threw aside her attempt to conceal her motives.
"Yes, I have her address. Why, Quinn? What is this about?"
"Have you seen Beth? Do you know how they're doing? I thought maybe you had seen them together or something." Quinn held her breath, staring at the tabletop. Rachel was silent for so long, Quinn finally looked up and saw the pain etched into Rachel's face.
"Is that was this was all about? This whole thing? Inviting me to your house, going shopping, the kiss?"
Quinn shook her head, putting her hands over her eyes. She couldn't believe she'd been so stupid to think that Rachel would answer her questions or help her when she had hurt her feelings so badly.
"At first, kind of, but I didn't think-" Quinn began, but Rachel cut her off.
"Shocking, Quinn, you didn't think. You didn't think how your actions would affect other people. God forbid you take someone else into account besides yourself." Rachel spat the words out like venom, each one falling onto Quinn's ears and burning like hot oil. Quinn clenched her fists under the table.
"That's exactly what I was doing, I was doing it for Beth, to make sure she was alright."
"No, Quinn, you were doing it for you. Because you were lonely and you missed her. But how do you think that would make her feel? Giving her up, then randomly inserting yourself into her life whenever you need to assuage your guilt or confirm that someone out there needs you. You're not her mom, and you never will be. You're just a girl who couldn't raise her daughter so she gave her to a stranger, someone who is loving her and taking care of her. And you don't know if she wants to know you, you're not giving her that choice because you want to see her." Rachel stood, angry tears on her cheeks. "Grow up, Quinn. Take it from someone who was thoroughly disappointed the woman who gave birth to her. Beth doesn't need you." The brunette stormed out of the coffee shop, leaving Quinn sitting in a stunned, hurt silence.