Author's Note:Thanks so much for reading my fanfic. Please note that there is a derogatory slur made against the Scottish, and it is not the opinion of this writer. The opinion is completely Eric's - who is jealous and lashing out. I'm part Scottish, so I don't take offense; I hope you won't, either.
Please enjoy and review!
7-31-10: I want to thank bajan-martini, my new beta for reviewing this chapter and making a better reading experience for all. Thanks so much, b-m!
Chapter 16 Easy As Pie
I think I need a vampire…
I reluctantly pulled out my cell phone and punched up Eric's number.
I really don't want to do this…
I took a deep breath and pressed 'send.' My stomach was churning and images of a patronizing, arrogant, smugly-grinning Eric flashed in my head. I could actually taste the fumes from bile boiling in my stomach.
Oh, Jesus! Please don't let him be in the middle of another…'manicure.' What a fucking asshole…Hell, for all intents and purposes, I was a tricked into a telephone ménage a trios! ... I can't believe I'm actually calling him.
Eric didn't answer and so I got his recording – and yes, I was relieved. I was still very pissed at him and really didn't want to speak to him. But dammit, I needed his help.
"Eric, this is Jo Lautner, I have a serious situation here…it involves a vampire …who has randomly attacked a human. He seems disoriented, erratic, and is very hostile. I would appreciate…your help (oh it hurt to say that) in controlling and moving him. There are other serious issues at hand – the family of the victim is upset, and the situation is escalating…I'll try calling Bill Compton, too. If you can come, or if you can send someone, then call me for additional instructions. Thanks for…thanks."
I walked over to the crowd formed by the Moufette family, they were rousing themselves into another rebel-yelling frenzy. I whispered to Mr. Edgar that I needed to talk to him in private. As we walked away, Mr. Edgar said loud enough for all to hear, "Wez ready fer 'em, Sheriff! Wez knew theyz were comin'! Satan's demons, coming straight outta Hell!" He turned and yelled back at the crowd, "We'll kick der ass! Bring 'em on, right boys?" He received a volley of hardy, rowdy yells in return.
Once we were out of earshot of the crowd, I immediately got down to business and emphatically told Mr. Edgar that he had to calm his family, not incite them. I explained that we, the police, had a very serious job to do and we couldn't afford to be distracted or disturbed by his family.
He argued with me, insisting that he and his boys needed to remain 'mean and keen' in case any more 'demons of Hell' showed up. I told him that getting arrested for impeding a police investigation operation would not be a good way to end the day. This got his attention and he wisely agreed with me; he went back to talk to his family. I motioned two deputies to start herding the family into the family's house.
I quickly formulated a plan on how to handle the situation and started calling the world. I called the staff at the station and ordered them to call in all off-duty deputies, I got Bill Compton's phone number and called and left a message similar to the one I left for Eric. I then called for the coroner's van, called for another EMT, and had Sherry, a secretary at the station, email to my Blackberry the pictures and the report on the missing vampire.
I walked to the backyard and saw Kyle crouched down, one knee anchored to the ground for support, staring at the vampire.
As soon as I was within normal hearing range, Kyle gave me a status report on the vampire. "He hasn't moved, I've tried talkin' to him again, nothin'. I think he's sick; he's been moaning and thrashin' about. I thought he was gonna breakout of there, but the silver net burned him bad and he fell back."
As I joined Kyle down on the ground, my Blackberry beeped. It was the stat sheets and photo of the missing vampire. I compared the photo of our missing vampire to the vampire captured under the net. Hello, Nathan Jacobs.
"It's him, Nathan Jacobs, our missing vampire." As I stated my find, Kyle nodded his head; he too had expected it – I mean him - to be our missing vampire.
I leaned down to get a good look at Nathan. He was staring off into oblivion and quietly moaning. I tried talking to him but didn't get the reaction I was hoping for; instead of making a connection with him, it seemed to incense him. He bared his fangs at me and started to growl and hiss. He even lurched at me several times. Though my exposure to vampires had been limited, I had never seen one act like this. Most vampires wanted to appear and act human, this one wasn't even making an attempt. For all intents and purposes, he acted and reacted like a wild animal.
My next move was to figure out how we were going to move him. I didn't know if Eric or Bill would get back to me in a timely manner and we had to secure the thing – I mean Nathan – and soon. My urgency was motivated by the Moufettes, or more correctly stated, motivated by what the Moufettes were capable of doing to Nathan and my team. Suffice to say, I didn't want to over stay my welcome.
My cell phone rang and I answered it with, "Sheriff Lautner."
"Sheriff, it is Bill Compton. Eric Northman and I are en route to Bon Temps now, we're coming from Monroe. Where are you?"
Yes! Thank you big guy in the sky!
They were actually very close. I gave him the address for his GPS system. "Ah Bill, it's a volatile situation here. When you arrive, try not to be…seem like vamp-…vampire - ish. Try to act like humans. Do you understand?"
He didn't speak for several long seconds – it was a very uncomfortable moment for both of us.
In a reserved voice, he asked, "How would we do that?"
"Well – don't show fangs, even if you are angry. Smile, be pleasant. No sneering – not that you sneer – but, you know who does…be inconspicuous and don't patronize the humans. You don't do that, but…well, you know…"
I could hear him suppress some sort of sound, and then he slowly replied, "I understand."
I continued, "Oh, and blink."
"Blink?"
"Yes, blink. It's disconcerting when you all don't blink, so blinking would make you seem more –"
"Human?"
"Yes. Oh, and be charming - but don't try to glamor any of them. There's too many humans here, they'll notice if you try it on one of them. It's…it's a volatile situation here; we need to keep these people calm. Maybe this is too much for you both-"
I heard Eric talk in the background but I couldn't make out what he said. Bill responded, "No Sheriff. We'll be fine."
"Are you sure? Is Eric-"
"We'll be fine, Sheriff." Bill's response was reassuring, though a bit forced. Again, Eric said something to Bill, but I couldn't hear what it was.
"Okay. When do you think you'll be here?"
"The GPS says 6 minutes."
"Oh, you're really close. Good. Call me when you turn onto the dirt road from the highway. My people and I will shield you. Do you understand?"
"Yes sheriff." Bill seemed pensive, I had the feeling he was holding something back.
I waited for him to add on to his response, but he didn't. I muttered 'thanks' and hung up.
Bill called as I had requested and I directed them to pull up and park behind the hive of police cruisers and emergency vehicles. It would enable them to make a quick get-away, if needed.
Kenya and two other deputies flanked Eric's corvette, shielding the disembarking vampires from view. I signaled to the two deputies stationed at the front door of the Moufettes family home, letting them know that the situation had now 'gone live.' This meant that they should now be on total alert, ready for anything, but should follow their main objective of controlling the Moufettes and keeping them in the house.
I waved to everyone at Eric's car and motioned them to go into the back yard. Though Kenya and the other deputies were trying their best to mask the two vampires, Eric stuck up above the crowd. He looked like a frigging male model arriving at some Hollywood awards show. He looked simply gorgeous in his very expensive-looking suit. It was silk and silver-grey in color and he wore a black, satin shirt with it - perfection.
I heard giggling women and then saw flashing white lights. I looked at the house. Some of the female Moufettes thought Eric looked handsome, too. They were leaning out of a couple of windows on the first floor of the house and using their cell phones to take pictures of him. I even heard several suggestive cat calls.
Eric looked over at the women, smiled and waved. Oh shit.
The women burst into a laughing, giggling tizzy. Oh no! No! No! No! No!
His smile turned broader and deadly sexy. The women went atomic, sending a wave of lustful noises out into the yard.
Great, I'm trying to protect your ass and you're turning the situation into a female stag party.
I yelled, "Ladies, please calm down, get away from the windows, and please stop taking pictures!" I waved at one of my deputies, signaling him to go into the house and get the women away from the windows. The last thing I wanted to deal with right now was jealous, redneck, Moufette males.
I joined the 'Sex God and his peeps' entourage and walked with them into the backyard.
Eric flashed a killer smile at me, "How was that? Was that friendly enough?"
I reared back my arm and brought it around, slapping Eric so hard it echoed in the yard. I yelled, "You manwhore!"…. Okay, I didn't really do that…I just needed to visualize it - imagining myself smacking that sexy, knee-buckling smile right off of his face!
…Okay…Okay…I'm good now.
In reality, what I did do was smile and say through clenched teeth, "Yes. Thank you."
Eric laughed and winked at me. He was so pleased with himself and he was so pleased that I was irked.
When we arrived back at the remains of the collapsed shed, Eric and Bill slowly walked around the ruin, surveying the netted, rubble pile that contained Nathan. Luckily, the Moufettes' backyard had security floodlights, which had now been turned on. You could easily see Nathan under the table, among the chunks of roofing and siding. Eric stooped down to get a better at Nathan, who was now curled into a ball, moaning.
"Who is he?" Concern flashed momentarily across Eric's face, but was quickly replaced by his stone mask. His voice was soft and even toned. "What happened to him?"
"His name is Nathan Jacobs; he was reported missing on November 23rd, three days ago, by his human girlfriend, Crystal Ball." I lowered myself to my knees, and even though he was stooping, Eric still towered over me. "I don't know what happened to him."
I leaned closer to Eric and whispered, "I called and left you a message about this, I guess you didn't get it. The last time his girlfriend saw him, he was on his way to sell his blood to some V dealer. A doctor; she said a doctor."
Eric slowly turned his head towards me, his eyes narrowed and his jaw tightened. "Who?"
I meet his gaze, "She didn't know."
Eric stood up and took off his jacket and handed it to me and then grabbed my elbow, pulled me up and walked me away from the group. Even though he had a slightly bored expression on his face, I knew better. He asked, "What's your plan?"
I told him that we had special shackles to use on Nathan and we would use the coroner's van as transport; we would take Nathan to the police station. We couldn't risk taking him to a hospital, in case he escaped. He nodded his agreement.
Eric's brow creased ever so slightly, revealing his concern. He quietly asked, "How do you plan to hold him?" I told him that we had a special cell for vampires.
Eric looked amused; he even made a soundless chuckle, "You do? I would love to see that. Your plan is sound."
It was now his turn to tell me how he was going to subdue Nathan. It sounded easy enough. He wanted a couple of groups consisting of two male humans to stand around the net in key locations. This was in case Nathan tried to escape in those areas. Kyle and another one of my deputies, Kevin Stiggers, would stand to Eric's left, and on his signal, they would lift the net. Eric would entice Nathan using his own blood, which should make Nathan fly directly towards him. He and Bill would capture and hold Nathan, while Kyle and Kevin shackled him. All remaining deputies would assist them, if called upon.
Eric had one serious caveat, and it didn't sit well with me. He bluntly stated that Kenya and I did not have the needed strength to aid in the capture of Nathan – that we would actually be a serious detriment to the plan. Therefore, we both had to stand away from the action. He insisted that only the human males should assist. It was a deal-breaker point for him. I knew this was not the time to argue; plus, I knew he was right.
I nodded and then motioned my people over and as I told them the plan, I saw flashing red lights coming down the dirt road that led to the Moufette's house. The coroner's van and second EMT vehicle had arrived. I sent Kenya to get the shackles from the deputy driving the coroner's van and to organize the location of the vehicles. Most importantly, we needed the van close by so that we could quickly transport a shackled Nathan.
I was surprised to see that Liam was driving the coroner's van; a deputy rode with him, bringing the silver shackles. When he got out of the van, Liam waved and smiled, I waved and smiled back.
During all of this, Nathan remained quiet and unmoving. He was watching us but he did not seem to comprehend what we were saying or doing. He reminded me of an injured animal that had gone into shock.
The next ten minutes felt like an eternity. Finally, everything and everyone was staged. I even had found a suitable place for Eric's Armani jacket – I draped my patrol jacket over a lawn chair and placed Eric's jacket on it, making sure that Eric's jacket touched nothing but the interior lining of my jacket.
While I was arranging the jackets, I watched Eric out of the corner of my eye. He seemed amused by the special attention that I was giving his jacket. I thought it prudent to be careful with his jacket. The cost of replacing that damn jacket would cost the police department a big chunk of change.
When I finished with my oh-so important task of securing Eric's jacket, I glanced over at him and saw that he was still looking at me. He smiled and winked. Despite myself, I smiled in return. Fuck it; I'm not made of stone…
I ordered my people to put on the protective gloves that they were required to carry and use. I offered Eric and Bill a pair, they both declined.
Eric gave the signal that he was ready to start. The air was fog-thick with tension. The males, human and vampire, got into their positions. Liam had now joined Kenya and I, and we three watched from a short distance away.
Eric had crouched down by the edge of the net. Nathan had curled into a ball, and was facing away from him. Eric called to him but got no response. He tried several more times, but Nathan never responded.
Eric brought his wrist up to his mouth – and bit into it.
Nearly every human in the area gasped, except Liam and me. Nathan's response was immediate; he flipped over to face Eric and jumped into a cat-like crouch position.
Nathan's fangs were dripping saliva; he intermittently snarled and growled, like a cougar. He started to slowly crawl towards Eric. At one point, he stopped and loudly sniffed the air and then licked his fangs. He locked into this crouched, extended position – perfectly still and silent, intently staring at Eric.
Everyone braced for it – Eric's signal. Eric motioned Kyle to quickly lift the net – and as planned – Nathan flew out, roaring all the way, creating a wind current that caused all the humans to waver in their various stances.
Nathan lunged for Eric's bloodied arm and Eric effortlessly caught him by the throat and slammed him to the ground, face down. Nathan went ballistic, yelling, screeching, roaring, and twisting so quickly that he became a blur. Bill tried unsuccessfully to catch Nathan's legs. Kyle and Kevin jumped in and the three of them were able to catch Nathan's legs and hold them down. Their next step was to shackle Nathan, but it was proving to be a very difficult task because Nathan continued to struggle.
Liam ran over and joined the gang fighting to get Nathan shackled. All the while, Eric patiently held Nathan in place, now using the weight of his body and both hands. It was strange to see three frantic grown men and a vampire fighting to shackle Nathan versus one lone vampire, calmly holding him in place. The show of Eric's strength was not lost on anyone.
I randomly looked over at Kenya and the other four deputies standing by; all of them had various displays of awe on their faces. It ran the gamut from gaping mouths to bulging eyes. They probably had never seen a vampire this close, not to mention three, and therefore had never witnessed a display of vampire strength.
I nodded to myself - I know how you guys feel, it is awesome.
Eric yelled for the van to be moved closer to them. He shouted to everyone that he and Bill would lift Nathan and place him in the van. The interior of the van had been prepared earlier - thick, silver chains hung down from the top and sides of the van, and would be used to secure Nathan in place.
As Eric and Bill rearranged Nathan so that they could quickly lift him and place him in the van, a horrible seizure convulsed Nathan's body. He started to shudder and shake – and then the screaming started. The screams were horrific; changing in pitch and volume - from human to animal and back - filled with the sounds of agony and fear. It was unnerving and set my teeth on edge.
His screaming became frantic and his movements became so violent, that I heard some of his bones breaking. Then, the grossest thing started to happen - Nathan started to vomit. He spewed bluish-black, thick bile in the air and on the ground. Eric quickly adjusted so that he was out of range of the spewing and pooling fluid.
As quickly as the convulsions, screaming, and vomiting started – it all abruptly stopped. I moved closer and actually saw the light force go out of Nathan's eyes. Nathan was truly dead.
However…his body did not dissolve into bio slush as a normal vampire corpse would have done. He remained in solid form – like the bodies found in the barrel.
Everyone, except Eric, remained motionless. We were processing our thoughts and feelings, trying to accept Nathan's suffering and sudden death. Eric rolled him over and examined Nathan's face. I walked over and crouched down beside Eric, carefully avoiding the vomited fluid. Eric and I looked at each other.
Eric pursed his lips and said, "I'll take those gloves now." Bill requested them too, and I gave them each a pair.
Eric whispered to me, "Well, I guess you were right, those bodies in the barrel were vampires." I just looked at him but didn't respond. I really didn't know what to say.
I stood up, which triggered an instant response in all the humans; everyone started to move at once. My team and Liam started to process the scene, photographing, confiscating, and bagging evidence, including the silver net and stakes. They photographed, bagged, and loaded Nathan into the coroner's van.
I went into the house and dealt with the family. They were sincerely shocked to find out that Nathan had expired. I wasn't sure, but I got an odd feeling that they were containing themselves, trying not to ask for his body as a trophy. I hope I was wrong.
It took about two hours to finish up our work. It was late and everyone, especially the Moufette family, was exhausted. I made the decision that we would finish all witness interviews the following day.
Eric and Bill stayed the whole time, watching and occasionally making cell phone calls.
I was at my cruiser, packing up and voice-recording notes, when Liam came over. He was hiding something behind his back and had a sweet smile on his face. "Hey there, how's your night going? Anything exciting and new?"
I smiled; his humor was a welcomed tension breaker. I played along and responded, "Well, you know – 'same old, same old.' Your typical vampire-attack-on-a-holiday thing, no biggie. Yourself?"
He smiled sheepishly, "Aye, well, that can get old fast, can't it. Actually, I'm here on an errand of mercy. Here." He pulled out whatever he was hiding behind his back. "This is the very last slice of pecan pie known to exist in the tri-town vicinity. Drum roll, please…it is yours." He handed me a covered plate.
I pealed back the wrap and saw the slice of pie…and immediately started to salivate. "You know, I didn't –"
He interrupted, "Didn't get a single bite of the slice you had - yes, I know. This piece is bigger and has whipped cream topping, though it has probably melted by now, and its Stacey's mother's pie recipe. The very recipe used to win the blue ribbon at the last county fair."
He bowed his head and placed his right hand over his heart. "I had to wrestle it away from three different individuals by abusing my position as a physician. I reminded two blokes of their cholesterol scores, and blatantly taunted Mrs. Stingle about her weight issues."
I humbly held the plate in my hand as if it were a delicate, rare orchid. In my most reverent voice, I said, "Liam, at this moment, I am having completely inappropriate thoughts of you in a hot tub."
He grinned and rocked back on his heels, "Aye lass, that's what I was hoping for!"
We both laughed quietly, mindful of the situation and our surroundings. As we were taking our first step towards each other to share a warm hug, we heard –
"Couldn't afford the whole pie? Bill, it looks like we're interrupting a pathetic little dinner party." In unison, Liam and I turned to face the rude intruder - Eric.
Bill was standing behind Eric, rolling his eyes. Eric looked like he was in a foul mood, and I was not in the mood for his mood.
I opened my mouth to rip Eric a new one, when I saw Bill frantically shaking his head 'no.' He was asking me not to attack Eric. I guess Eric really was in a bad mood, perhaps more emotionally fueled than I originally thought. The vampire's death must have been extremely disturbing to him.
I acquiesced to Bill's pantomimed request and took the high road. "Eric, Bill, thanks for your help tonight, I-"
Eric interrupted me - one of his trademark sneers now dominated his face, "Sheriff…Jo…we need to talk. But I am not available for the remainder of the evening or tomorrow night. It will have to be Saturday night."
Liam and I spoke at the same time, "No-" We looked at each other and snickered in sync. He signaled me to do the talking. I had a big, goofy smile on my face as I said to Eric, "Saturday is not good."
I glanced over at Liam, expecting him to still be smiling broadly - and then a double take - he looked very upset. Just a moment earlier, we were enjoying ourselves. I glanced between Eric and him, and then realized what was going on. Eric was clearly aiming his sneer at Liam.
Liam decided to push the envelope and show Eric that he was not intimidated. He raised his chin with an arrogant air and said, "We have plans. We have a date. I am escorting Jo to a high-profile, social affair; albeit a barbeque, but still extremely important to her. Free food and drink, compliments of the Chief of Police of Bernard Parish! As stodgy as these things can be, it will be my pleasure to make certain that Jo has a wonderful time." He reached over and took my right hand and raised it his lips.
I know I blushed because I could feel my neck and face become warm. But, despite myself, I was flattered...it was my first hand kiss, ever…Kinda cool, me likey…
Eric, unfortunately, did not share my glee. His sneer increased in its intensity. He made a big show of examining his nails, and with a blasé tone to his voice, he said, "Doctor, you are a pathetic cliché. You've taken the expression, 'Scot – free' to a whole new low. You seem more excited by the notion of getting a free meal than escorting Jo to her function. I admire frugality, but you just seem – cheap. "
I was speechless. I glanced around our group, Bill's face was scrunched up as if he were in pain, Liam looked rightfully furious, and Eric looked smug and self-satisfied.
I glared at Eric. I could see Bill out of the corner of my eye; he was trying to get my attention, but I ignored him. I turned my head so that Liam couldn't see my face but Eric could, I mouthed, "What the Hell are you doing?"
Shit, shit, shit!
I suddenly clapped my hands together to get their attention. I plastered on a hyper-happy smile, and started to bob the top half of my body like a bobble-head statue. "Eric! Eric…you're SUCH a kidder. Liam – he's joking! He is…really! Eric is just such a joker…he's got a really dry, drrryyyy sense of humor. Ha, Ha, Ha! He's always joking around." I turned to look at Liam as I said the last sentence, but could tell that he wasn't buying it.
I glanced back at Eric and almost flinched, he was smiling, but his smile was creepy, almost sinister.
I opened my mouth to say more – still ignoring Bill, who was now making frantic facial gestures – but I was cut off by Eric. "Bill, wait for me at the car. Doctor, I need a moment alone with the Sheriff – now. Leave us."
Liam didn't move and now was brandishing his own special, spooky sneer. Liam then did something that made me uneasy. He tilted his head, and sent Eric a challenging look.
Eric took a step closer to Liam, who stood firm. I jumped and wedged myself in between the two of them. "Guys, it's been a long evening. Why don't we just call it a night? Okay?" I turned to Liam, "Call me later, okay?" Liam nodded, though never dropping his gaze away from Eric.
After an uncomfortable stretch of time – it felt like hours – Liam, quite pleased with himself for holding his own with Eric, smiled and winked at me. "I'll call you tomorrow, Jo." He turned and walked away.
As I watched him leave, I exhaled a breath that I didn't realize I had been holding. Before Liam passed out of sight, he looked back at me, and smiled and waved. It gave me a nice, warm feeling.
After Liam was out of sight, I turned to look at himmmm…
Eric was still looking in the direction of the doctor's retreat. My emotions were so jumbled, that I decided to mentally place the mess to the side. This wasn't the time or the place for the 'smack-down of the century, the world-wide wrestling match between the uber pissed-off sheriff and snarky vampire.'
So, I cooled out and detached myself from my feelings. In my new zen-state-of-mind, I quietly asked, "Eric, let's talk Sunday, okay?" He looked at me but didn't say a word.
I repeated my 'Okay?' He looked at me for a few more moments before saying, "I'm trying to do you a favor. You have deplorable taste in men."
I inhaled and exhaled dramatically and then spoke before thinking, "Really? Well, I guess you fall into that category, too."
He cocked an eyebrow before favoring me with one of his sexiest smiles, "No - I'm the high bar…that all other males use to measure their successes." He looked off into the distance, his beautiful face still exhibiting that killer smile, "Don't lower your standards with anyone else. Sunday will be fine." He started to walk away, towards his car.
I grabbed his arm to stop him. I don't really know why I did this; I didn't actually have anything to say. I was just so pissed off that I guess it was a knee-jerk, instinctual response.
He stopped and looked down at my hand that held his arm. I quickly pulled my hand away, muttering, "Sorry. I forgot that you don't like to be touched."
Eric slowly turned back and walked over until he stood very close to me. In a sexy, slow drawl that reminded me of the sensation experienced when velvet floats over skin, he said, "Jo, you can touch me whenever you want."
He leaned down until he was within inches of my face and whispered, "Did you want to tell me that you are feeling…needy…for my attention?" He smiled and looked at my lips – and then licked his own.
I took a couple of steps back, away from him. I offered up one of my most sexiest smiles, "You're right. I really do need your…attention."
His response was a cocked eyebrow and a smug smile.
"I need you to unclog my slow draining bathroom sink…and I need you to fix or replace my dead dishwasher. So, now that I've formally told you - my landlord - will you take care of it, or should I call the rental office?" I crossed my arms over my chest for emphasis. I know my retort was lame, but it was all that I could muster at this time. It had been a long and excessively, eventful day.
He made a teeth sucking sound, rolled his eyes and glanced up at the heavens. He then crossed his arms over his chest; I know he was mocking me. "I'm very disappointed in you, Jo. It took you all this time to figure out that I was your landlord. Soooo disappointed!" He snickered, turned and walked away, without another word or backward glance.
This day has definitely been the weirdest Thanksgiving Day I've ever experienced. Not the worst, but definitely the weirdest.
As usual, after spending time with Eric, I was pissed off. So, I did what I always did, I spent the rest of the evening cursing him. I started calling it my new hobby – 'cursing Eric.' It's important to have hobbies, they keep you sane.