Warning Sexual Abuse nothing graphic.
Dean's foot is restlessly tapping and he's humming Metallica. He looks around the office once more. And settles on staring at the clock. He's not certain if he'd rather time speed up or slow down. He's torn between wishing the therapy session will never start and wishing it was over with already. And it's certainly not helping that Sam's just reading a magazine, cool as a cucumber. Dean's wishing he could make an excuse to go to the bathroom again. But, he knows it's no use. His flask was empty last time he went. And it's not like booze is just gonna magically appear in it. Dean loses himself in the thought of magically renewing alcohol for a minute. Then he notices a smartly dressed woman in her mid-thirties comes down the hall. Sam glances up at her and immediately stands. And Dean's brain decides that he wished time would slow down once again. He's not ready for this. But, he stands and follows his little brother down the hall. And into an incredibly boring looking office. The official documents hang from the walls. The furniture is comfortably worn. There are fake potted plants everywhere. Sam sits on the couch and Dean hesitates thinking if he got to the impala now, he could be in New Mexico by tomorrow morning. But, Sam sensing Dean's hesitation is pulling puppy dog eyes. And well, fuck, it's not like Dean can deny him now. So he sits. The ficus next to him invading his personal space a little bit. Claudia sits down in a nice armchair a few feet away.
"Dean, I assume. It's so good to finally meet you." She's turning on a small tape recorder.
"I guess, I should say the same Doc." Dean's knee is still bobbing a little.
"I understand your father just passed. How are you dealing with that Sam?" She's cool and calm about the whole thing. Dean's starting to dislike her.
"The night Dean told me, we went and got drunk. Not the healthiest reaction I'm sure. But, I was torn between jumping for joy and crying. And hell, I just... I don't know." Dean stares at him.
"Okay Sam, why were you happy about his death?" Sam steals a sideways glance at Dean.
"Cause, he's gone. He can't hurt me or Dean anymore." Dean tenses a little at that.
"And why were you sad?" She makes a small note in her notebook. Dean shifts subtly to try and see what she's writing. But, he can't seem to get a good look.
"I'll never have closure. Even after all this time. In the back of my head, I thought I would get an apology from the man. Something that says he knows and understands how much pain he put us through." Dean sits back awkwardly. Normally he hates it when people talk like he's not in the room. But, today he's grateful. "But, now I'll never get that."
"And Dean you had to deliver this message. How are you feeling about it?" So much for being inconspicuous.
"I really didn't even want to tell him. He left this shit behind. Bobby made me come by. I don't understand why though. It's clear Sam hasn't wanted anything to do with the family for some time now." Sam looks back at him shocked. Dean's now trying very hard to read where the Doc. got her degree from.
"I didn't want anything to do with him, you're still my brother Dean." Dean narrows his eyes.
"Yeah, well we haven't spoken in the past four years. What did you expect?" Angry, Dean bites back.
"I couldn't contact you cause, I thought you were still with him. I couldn't take the chance of him finding out where I live." Dean nods. But, Sam suspects the message hasn't really sunk in.
"Okay Dean, but how did you feel about his passing?" Dean looks at her with a suspicious glance.
"Sucks, I guess. Even after everything. He's still our Dad." Sam turns back to Dean fuming.
"How can you say that?" Sam is boiling over with anger.
"Well, let's see the man raised us and provided for us on his own for eighteen years." Dean's trying hard to keep his voice steady and not match Sam's anger.
"No Dean you raised me." Sam said it so definitively.
"Do you really wanna have this fight. Again?" Dean wasn't sarcastic sounding. He just sounded tired and it was enough to make Sam relent. It was quiet for a moment. And although Claudia liked the direction the boys were going with in the session. But, she knew she only had Dean for this session and for it to be the most beneficial to Sam they were going to have to get into the thick of it.
"Dean there are a lot of reasons your here today, but I think we should ask Sam about topics he feels the need to discuss with you. Sam anything in particular? Remember this is a safe place." Dean gets a little green. Sam shifts in his seat.
"Uhm... Because of my age at the time... I have trouble remembering..." Sam clears his throat. Why are you freaking out now. You've told this story half a dozen times. Just say the word. He was there it's not like you're gonna freak him out. "You know the first time."
"Dean, maybe you could fill us in on your perspective from the first time that Sam was raped." Claudia says helpfully. She's shocked. Sam has made so much progress, he had no problem telling the survivors group about the abuse. And now with the inclusion of Dean he seems reluctant to even say the word rape. It seems like such backsliding. Perhaps it was for his brother's benefit. Claudia did catch the older boy flinch if only slightly when she said it.
"I don't know you gonna kiss me first sweetheart?" Dean's comment was halfway between being a joke and being cruel. No one said anything. "Well fuck!" Dean's hand scrubs his face. Sam sits closer to the edge of the couch as Dean leans all the way back. It's reminiscent of the times they did this in motel rooms. Dean sitting up straight against the headboard while Sam would sit Indian style in the middle of the bed. Dean staring into the shaggy mess of hair. Dean tries to focus there to make it easier. But, it isn't.
"You were six and I was ten and it was maybe two-ish maybe three months before my birthday. And we were in the suite kind of motel. It had a tiny kitchen and a two bedrooms. And you had started First Grade not that long ago. And I kept trying to convince you that everyone else was born knowing how to add and subtract and that you only had to learn cause you were dumb. And Dad was in his bedroom drinking up a storm. And he came to the doorway and just stood there for a while. And I thought he was watching me, and I should've just went to him. But, I kept hoping that maybe he was too tired or that he had whiskey dick or something." Dean had to stop. He didn't realize how bad his head was swimming. He forced himself to focus. Something to keep him from drowning in the memories. He ripped up part of the fake ficus sitting next to him. He didn't need anything else invading his space. It was a small movement pulling out a couple of the silk leaves one at a time. Claudia almost told him to stop, but thought better of it.
"He called your name." Dean's voice broke with that. Sam winced he vaguely remembers this part. "And I told him no. He had me, he didn't need you. He could do whatever he wanted to me, but to leave you alone just for tonight. It worked before." Sam was shocked. He thought that night was the first time his father had ever even suggested Sam.
"Dean? How many times did you give him that offer before that night?" Sam hated himself for asking. It was just going to bring more guilt on himself.
"Ten maybe fifteen times." Sam tensed. His brother bore more of the burden than he had ever realized. "The point is it didn't work that night. And he was taking you to the bedroom and you were just okay with it. You didn't know what was back there. Maybe if I had warned you, you could've run and hid. I just didn't want you to... You were just a little kid Sam, and I didn't want to ruin that." Sam's heart aches at the sound of his brother's voice. He gets the sneaking suspicion that this might be Dean's worst memory as well as his own. "And then I attacked him. I hit him, bit him, kicked him. I full on tried to fight him. And then you were scared."
"At that point the only other person I ever saw you hit, was that bully who stole my lunch money." Sam remembered being terrified once Dean started fighting. He had been so confused. Dean nodded but he wasn't listening. His pulse was in his ear and it was impossible to hear anything. He forgot why he even nodded. It's not like Sam can see him from his position. But, he remembers the therapist sitting in front of him. Suddenly he doesn't want to continue. She wasn't there. It's not like she could ever know what they were feeling. He hated her, with her cheap suit and her patronizing look of pity. But, he stared at the back of Sam's head. Noticed Sam tugging at his shirt sleeves. Remembered how badly his brother needed this. If Dean couldn't help him then he sure as hell was going to help him now.
"And he picked me up and threw me halfway across the room. I got that nasty bump on my head from the bedside table. And before I could even blink he grabbed you and locked his door. And I tried..." Tears were streaming down Dean's face now. Miserable about his failure. His brother's pain. "I tried to keep you safe Sam. I tried so fucking hard. You gotta believe me." Dean's pleading. His voice dissolves into the air. He sounds so broken, so unfamiliar to Sam's ears. And it's raining indoors on Sam, which confuses him. Until he notices that he's crying heavily but, he can't feel his own face to recognize that fact.
"I know Dean, I believe you." Sam says it so softly. His throat is in too much pain. Trying to stop himself from sobbing.
"I tried to break down the door. I was kicking and pounding. But, I just wasn't strong enough. I was screaming. I threw a goddamn temper tantrum, at ten years old." Dean laughed, but it sounded so hollow that Sam would've rather it if he didn't. "And I don't know how much time passed. But, you came out. He practically threw you at me. You were only wearing your boxers and you were crying so hard." Dean's breath is coming out short and ragged. He wonders darkly if one can have physical pain from a memory. "And I kept trying to get you to move. But, you couldn't walk cause it hurt too much." Sam grimaced at the memory. "So, I picked you up to take you to bed. And my hand was wet. You were bleeding through your shorts, Sammy. So, I took you to the bathroom. And I kept talking to you. Hell, I don't remember what I was saying half the time."
"You kept telling me that once I had a bath, I'd feel cleaner." Sam is trying to sound calm. No one is buying it.
"I ran you a bath. And I had to take your shorts off to get you in there. And you tried to stop me." And Dean loses it.
Six-year-old Sam face red and streaked with tears that are still falling. Dean's holding him lightly trying to pull his boxers off. Sam screams and cries grabbing them trying to keep them in place. 'No more, no more, please.' Dean stills himself. He has to clean the blood up. 'It's okay Sammy. It's just me here. Dean, your brother. I'll never hurt you Sammy. I promise.' Sam doesn't let go. Dean strengthening his resolve he yanks at them again. And Sam is tired and weak and they fall out of his grasp. 'No.' It's a begging whisper.Dean jabs the heels of his palms into his eyes. Anything to stop this memory. Sam's softly sobbing next to him. And eighteen years later it stills sounds the same. But, Dean has to be strong for his brother. For Sammy.
"I gave you a bath. I cleaned you up. And I put you to bed. I told you it would all be better when you woke up." Dean's swallowing the lump in his throat and he's coming off as almost cold now. "Dad made up pancakes the next day for breakfast. But, you were afraid of him. And I kept yelling at him. So, he put two hundred dollars down on the table and left for the week. He stopped apologizing after that. Probably figured there's no use in lying if no one will believe you." Another revelation that shocks Sam. He didn't know his father ever apologized for what he did. He wonders what else he missed. Story time being over Sam tries to compose himself. He wipes at his tears which are falling sparsely now, but not stopping.
"Sammy, I'm so sorry." Dean reaches out and grips Sam's shoulder firmly. Sam turns from his position and sweeps Dean into a hug that catches him off guard. Dean pats Sam on the back a few times. "It's okay Sammy. It's over now." Sam lets go and goes back to his position.
Claudia clears her throat. Both boys look up at her surprised. It wasn't so much that they forgot she was there. It's that they forgot they were there. Getting caught up in the vacuum of their memories. Her eyes look tired but not teary. Her professionalism getting the best of her. "Sam," she's speaking gently. "Did you get what you needed out of that?"
"Yeah," Sam shakes his head. Finally stopping the tears. He wipes his face with his shirt sleeve. "I finally have all the pieces now."
"Like that's a good thing." Dean snorts.
"It's hard getting over something, when you're not entirely sure what happened to begin with." Sam's angry. Dean just shrugs him off.
"So, we done here Doc?" Dean gets ready to stand-up.
"Not quite, we have still have a good deal of time. And your relationship with Sam is incredibly complicated and I'm sure there are more things you two could work on." Dean settles back down. Giving a quick once over the therapist.
"So, what do you got for me Sammy?" Dean rests his arms behind his head relaxed and cocky. Daring Sam to upset him. To make him cry like a girl again. But, Sam knows their next topic. And it's not a pleasant one. He takes a deep breath.
"I wanna talk about the fight we had, two weeks before you turned eighteen." Sam tenses. Ready for Dean to punch him, like he had that night.
"Not, talking about that." Dean's demeanor has changed in an instant. His fists clench at his sides.
"Dean, just hear me out. I want to apologize. Explain myself." Sam is nervous. He's talking just a little too quickly and tripping over his words. He doesn't like remembering this fight. His guilt is pouring off him in waves. But, he doesn't think Dean can tell. Dean's focused on his anger. Narrowing his rage to a pinpoint. If sheer anger could hurt people, everyone in a three block radius would be dead. Dean's using everything he has to contain himself.
"I heard your apologies Sam. I accepted them. We moved on. We're not talking about it." Dean raises his voice, trying to speak through gritted teeth.
"You clearly hold it against me. You can't even talk about it." Sam is matching Dean's volume. And Dean is standing in an instant. Holding the collar of Sam's shirt. Fist raised and pulled back.
"I am five seconds away from decking you. Change. The. Subject." He's yelling. Sam's ears can barely contain what they're hearing.
"Hit me, take a swing. If it'll make you feel better." Sam's trying to sound calm, resigned. But, he does remember how hard Dean can throw a punch and he's hoping not to regret this decision. He heard it before he felt it. The sound of hard skin to skin contact. Then the ringing in his ears. The immense pain busting through his left cheek. Sam lets out a small groan as he grabs his cheek.
"Next topic." Dean's sits. He feels mildly guilty. He had held back a little. After all it's not like he could go around breaking his little brother's bones. But, fuck why in the world would Sam want to talk about that fight. To apologize, right. You don't apologize over shit like that. You forget it and move on.
"I cannot condone violence, in my office." Claudia is a little nervous to be speaking. Sam himself has had some really angry outbursts in her office. But, she was never afraid of him. She couldn't say the same of Dean. "This is supposed to be a safe place." Dean snorts. "Samuel, I think it may be best if we end the session here for today." Sam looks up heartbroken. There was so much more he needed to say. Claudia caught that look. "Dean, if you are still in town next week. And if you can handle your anger in a more constructive way, you are welcome back."
"Yeah, we'll see." Dean's up and out the door before Claudia can even finish speaking. Sam gives her an apologetic look and follows Dean. Dean grabs a handful of candy off of the receptionist's desk as he walks past. Shoving it in his pocket not slowing down at all. Sam follows him out the door and into the parking lot and stands in front of the driver's side of the Impala. Dean makes a small move to go around him, but Sam's overwhelming mass stops that from happening. "What?" It's not as angry as Sam expected it to be. It's much more defeated and tired sounding.
"Are you..." Sam didn't really know what he wanted to say. He just knew he needed Dean to calm down. His mouth grasped openly at words for a few seconds. "Where are we going?" Seemed as good a question as any.
"Well, I'm gonna drop you off at your apartment." Sam's heart stopped. Dean was gonna leave. Dean always told Sam that he would never leave, and now when Sam really wanted Dean around, he was going to leave. Go back to New Mexico, probably only going to call Sam when Bobby died. "Then, I'm gonna hit up a bar, and try to catch me a coed." Sam let out a breath he didn't even know he was holding. And he laughed a small cathartic laugh. Dean will always be, Dean.