Tony walked into the bullpen after the ding of the elevator announced the arrival at his floor. He plastered his perfect fake smile on his face, mentally preparing himself for the long day ahead of him, masking the complete exhaustion and emptiness he had been feeling for weeks now.
"Good morning zeeee-va, probie" he greeted, knowing that it would annoy them. If he can annoy them enough, they won't care to even attempt to look past his oh-so-well constructed mask. That was the goal, after all, to not let anyone see how much he's been struggling, how pathetic he's become.
He needed to keep up his façade, needed to appear as the expected arrogant ladies' man, jokester self, a persona that he's put so much effort into creating and maintaining over these past few years. It's been getting harder and harder to keep it up lately though, especially in front of Gibbs.
Yeah, it's been harder keeping it together for Gibbs, but it always has been, even when he wasn't feeling this low. He didn't think it had ever been this bad before though, and he knew that if he didn't start putting in more effort, or at least as much as he used to put in, Gibbs would start seeing through the cracks. And he knew Gibbs would want to talk. He just didn't think he could talk about this.
Tony sat down, breathing a sigh of relief as he saw Gibbs' vacant desk, knowing he still had a few moments before he really had to concentrate on acting normal.
Normal, god, Tony couldn't remember the last time he felt normal. Or anything besides this emptiness inside him, threatening to take over. Tony didn't know how much longer he could fight it; it was like something was growing inside him, a dark cloud forbidding Tony to feel anything good. He wanted to give in so badly, to let it consume him so he could finally have some release. He just couldn't see the point in fighting it anymore; he couldn't see a point to life anymore honestly. Nothing sounded better than just closing his eyes and letting that cloud take over,
"You seem to be doing even less work than usual, Tony. Better not let Gibbs catch you daythinking on the job"
Tony didn't realize he closed his eyes for just those few blissful seconds.
"It's day dreaming , Ziva," Tony supplied as he knew he was supposed to. "And I wasn't. I was actually just remembering my amazing night I had with Lila last night. Or was it Lisa? Anyway, we were trying this new position and-"
The head-slap from Gibbs gave Tony the cue to end that story "Right, boss, shutting up now."
"You're a fast learner DiNozzo, and it's only taken you how many years?"
Tony chuckled off his comment. He didn't even care about mean words anymore; he hardly cared about anything. Just didn't have the energy. He didn't even care whether or not Gibb's would get a call about a case, despite Tony's normal anxiousness to get out into the field. Going into the field just took too much energy these days. And so the quiet day continued on. Tony threw the occasional paper ball at McGee every couple of hours, made some movie references here and there, did his best to appear his usual annoying full of life self.
The clock struck 5:00 and everyone's attention turned to Gibbs, waiting for their dismissal from the awfully boring day.
"Head home. Ziva, McGee, see you tomorrow morning."
They started packing up and nearly sprinted to the elevators.
Tony didn't have the energy to ask what about him, what did he do wrong this time.
"Tony, you're with me."
Tony's tired sigh didn't miss Gibbs' ears. Waiting for some argument or question- hell anything, any sign of life in Tony's eyes- Gibbs received nothing. His gut had been telling him something's been off with DiNozzo for a good while now; it's time they finally had a chat and got to the bottom of it.
"Come on, I got a big steak and some beers at home I need some help with."
There, that got a reaction out of him. But fear? Not what Gibbs was expecting.
Tony felt something finally. And it was fear. Gibbs knows something is up. How does he know? I've been trying enough, I even got him to headslap me twice today , Tony thought to himself. He began to accept the knowledge that he maybe wasn't as great of an actor as he thought he was.
The car ride was quiet. Tony was usually the one filling up Gibb's usual silence, but he was too lost in his own thoughts, coming up with excuses to get out of this situation, to get out of the inevitable conversation Gibbs is going to want to have. Tony was too tired of this. His mask had already been slipping. But dodging a conversation like this with Gibbs, after an already long day? Oh well. Another thing I should care about, add it to the list, I guess.
Tony felt the car stop. How are we already here?
"DiNozzo. Hey, Earth to DiNozzo?"
Tony finally looked up to make eye contact, seeing Gibbs looking at him with uncharacteristic worry.
"Huh? Oh, sorry boss, just thinking" Damn, how long had he been trying to get my attention? C'mon DiNozzo, not time to put the mask away yet.
–
Their moment of eye contact broke as Gibbs raised his eyebrows and faced ahead again, staring at his house. "Just thinking? Didn't know you had that in ya." Dammit, Gibbs thought to himself, why did I say that? That's not helping. He knew this was gonna be a tough conversation. Always was when it came to that touchy-feely crap. But it was worth it for DiNozzo, for his right-hand man. Just gotta get his words to match how much care and worry he felt for his friend. The walls Gibb's had built up over these years made it hard to have any emotional conversations, always on the defensive. But watching DiNozzo these past few weeks, hell maybe even months, it was like the man was disintegrating in front of him. He couldn't keep letting him pretend like everything was fine. He saw how much it was taking out of the man.
Tony shrugged, gave a shy smile. He wasn't fazed by Gibbs' comment. He wasn't fazed by much these days.
The engine's loud rumbling stopped as Gibbs took the key out of the ignition. Tony continued to stare out the passenger window, wishing he were anywhere else but here. Wishing he were in his empty apartment, on his couch or in his bed, free to stare at the wall where he didn't have to pretend anymore, where he could sit and wait for the unconsciousness of sleep to finally overcome him and give him a brief reprieve from the all-consuming obligation of life.
Gibbs knew he should say something. The continued silence between the two was deafening. Both men sat in their seats, letting the cold winter air creep into the car as the heat slowly escaped, the minutes passing on. Neither wanted to make the first move, break the thick layer of silence. They'd been sitting in the car for a while now and it was clear DiNozzo wasn't gonna make it easy on him. But Gibbs was no good at this stuff. Feelings, emotions. His preferred method always seemed to work pretty well. Bottle it. Tighten the cap so nothing could leak out. Forget it's there. But he knew that wasn't what Tony needed. Would only cause him to deteriorate more and more. Concerning weight loss, paler skin, deeper bags under his eyes that Gibbs knew Tony thought he was hiding well enough from the team with some makeup. To be fair, Gibbs didn't notice at first. Or maybe he did. Just thought it was a slump, the kid'll get out of it. Then the physical signs weren't going away. Could it really be just a slump?
No, something had to be wrong. His gut urged him to look deeper. Past the dumb grin DiNozzo threw on his face when he knew people were looking. Past the movie references and paper balls at the office. Once he started looking he couldn't go back. All he could notice when he looked at the man nowadays was the way his laugh has less and less life in it, how there was no joy or spark in his eyes. And Gibbs can tell that he's been trying so hard, like he has to remind himself to annoy Tim and Ziva at the office, like it's part of his job. And I've been giving him the headslaps when he makes up some story that normally earns him one. I've been playing along to his charade. I thought I was helping. Now he's not so sure he has been helping. He knows what he needs to do now.
"What's on your mind, DiNozzo?"
–-
A few seconds more of the now fragile silence. Then, "nothing, boss."
More silence. Tony can feel Gibb's eyes on him, can just about see them in the reflection of the passenger window if he lets his eyes glaze over in the right way. He knew he wasn't getting out of this one. Maybe he didn't want to.
–-
"Tony." Silence. "Is everything okay?"
All that Gibbs gets in response is that tired sigh again . Like it's taking all of his energy to be here, to answer at all.
"Just peachy." He's not even hiding now, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
"I can tell you're unhappy. Did something happen? Is it the job? You burnt out-?"
"No, no, it's not the job." More deflections. But Gibbs can tell that DiNozzo's thinking about spilling what's really on his mind.
"Then what is it?"
More silence.
"Whatever it is you can tell me; we can work through it-"
"It's nothing," Tony retorts, running his hands through his overgrown hair, still avoiding eye contact.
"C'mon DiNozzo don't close up on me now, what is it?"
–-
Tony can feel his resolve breaking. On the edge of that feeling of relief he's been searching for. Of letting someone in, letting someone help him. But he can't. He wants to so badly. But he can't. Why can't I just admit that I need help? This isn't right. This isn't how I'm supposed to be feeling.
Through the streetlight shining at the front of the driveway, Gibbs can just make out a lone tear falling down Tony's slim, hollow, face. Tony watches Gibbs' eyes track it down his face. Well, here goes nothing.
Tony's voice cracks with the held back emotion. "I mean it's nothing. Honestly, I have nothing to say. I have no reason to feel like this. Everything is 'great,' work is fine, friends are fine, family is fine. But I'm…I'm not. I...I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel…nothing. And I hate it." Did I real just say that to Gibbs? He's gonna think I'm even more pathetic than he already does.
–-
Gibbs didn't know what to say to that. Sure, he's been in some low places himself before, but always with some strong emotion attached. Usually trying to drown his sadness or sorrow or rage, in bourbon.
–-
Tony was waiting for Gibbs to respond, regretting saying anything more and more with each passing moment of silence. God Tony , he berated himself, this is why I just shouldn't have said anything. Why couldn't I have just kept my mouth shut?
This was a mistake. A moment of weakness. Time for a cleanup job and hopefully this can all be forgotten like it never even happened. "Look Gibbs, I know what you're thinking, I'm being a big baby, getting upset over nothing. I'm just gonna go ahead and call a cab and head home. I'll see you at work-
"No, Tony, wait." An audible sigh. "I still need help with those steaks. Why don't you come in and eat dinner? I'll drive you home after."
The look in Gibbs' eyes was telling Tony that there wasn't much choice in the matter. The thought of food was nauseating but arguing with Gibbs was worse. And he already embarrassed himself in front of Gibbs anyway, already let his mask down a bit, so no he supposed there was no point in trying too hard tonight anyway.
"Yeah, okay," he acquiesced, and they both exited the now freezing car, shedding their jackets as they entered the warm house.
Tony knew he needed to step his act up. Yeah, okay so he told Gibbs he feels empty. Didn't mention the other stuff though, and he's gotta keep that hidden or Gibbs'll ruin everything. His act now wasn't anywhere near what he put on at work, Gibbs already knew that was bullshit. But the mask wasn't completely down. He didn't act boisterous, but he certainly acted alive enough to not set off too many more red flags in Gibbs' mind. Didn't let it show how completely dead he felt inside. He kept up a quiet conversation, made the small talk, was thankful Gibbs didn't try to bring up any more questions about his emotions. He vowed to stay away from the beers though. Getting drunk in his state was not smart in front of Gibbs. Who knows what he would say- or try to do for that matter.