The Taming of Smeagol
(Later that evening… both hobbits are snoozing as something creeps down the stone cliff face towards them)
Gollum: (muttering to himself) Dirty rotten little thieves… just wait till I get my hands on them…
(Gollum creeps closer and closer… but just as he reaches for the nearest hobbit bundle…)
Frodo: (leaps up) Now, Sam!
Sam: (sits up and sprays Gollum in the face with a spritzer bottle) Take that!
Gollum: Ackpth! (falls off the wall and onto the ground)
Sam: *spritz spritz* Yeah! You don't like Lorien moth too much do you?
Frodo: I knew that powdered moth wing was good for something. Glad you remembered your spritzer bottle.
Sam: Never leave home without it.
Gollum: (cowers as Sam brandishes the bottle) Hisssss…
Frodo: Aw… he's kinda cute. Like a disgustingly bald, emaciated rodent of some sort.
Sam: Yeah… he's adorable… can we kill him now?
Frodo: No! I'm gonna keep him. (proudly pats a very confused Gollum on the head)
Sam: (lowers the bottle) Great… so what good is he?
Frodo: I dunno… (examines Gollum for a moment) I bet he lives near here! Hey, little guy… can you show us the way into Morder and up to that nice flamey mountain?
Gollum: (stares for a moment before answering warily) … yes… but why does they wants to go there?
Sam: That's none of your business you ugly bald rat you.
Frodo: Sam! You can't be mean to him like that!
Sam: Why not?
Frodo: (ignores Sam and considers Gollum, one finger tapping at his mouth as he thinks) He needs a name…
Gollum: We has a name! Gollum! Gollum!
Frodo: Awww… what a cough! He's sick, Sam!
Sam: (muttering to himself) I'll say…
Frodo: (patting Gollum on the head again) I'm gonna call him Jerry.
Sam: What kind of a name is Jerry?
Frodo: (looking affronted and hugging Gollum protectively) A good name!
Gollum: Gack! (scrabbles for freedom as Frodo's arms wrap around his skinny neck)
Sam: Well "Jerry" has to go home now… don't you "Jerry"?
Gollum: (nods desperately, still trying to struggle free)
Frodo: No he does not! He's coming with us and that's that!
Sam: Arrgh! Fine! But he's YOUR responsibility!
Frodo: Yay! (releases Gollum and suddenly starts digging in Sam's pack)
Sam: Hey! What are you doing?
Frodo: Well he needs a leash! And you've got that nifty moth rope thing in here. Ah ha! Here it is!
(Frodo pulls out the rope which shimmers slightly in the moonlight. Gollum stares in horror…)