Merry's Plan

(Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli run heroically across the rocky plains of Rohan, still pursuing the Uruk-hai.)

Aragorn: (panting) Why do they have to… run so… fast?

Legolas: (gliding easily beside Aragorn as if they're taking an afternoon stroll through Rivendell) Dunno. Maybe Saruman threatened them or something.

Gimli: (barely keeping up and making quite a ruckus with his clattering armor and weapons) You could at least… have the decency… to act a little… tired!

Legolas: (sighs and rolls his eyes, running ahead of the other two with a muttered) Mortals….

French Narrator: Later zat evening….

(The Uruks stop at the edge of a huge forest, gasping and panting like a pack of deathly ugly, mutated dogs… which do resemble Uruks quite a bit… it's uncanny. Anyways…)

Orc: We're not goin' any further till we've had a breather!

Uruk: Get a fire going!

(Merry and Pippin are tossed unceremoniously on the ground as the Uruks and Orcs head for the forest to gather wood)

Pippin: Merry! Are you alright?

Merry: (brushes grass and leaves from his curly hair and turns to Pip, raising one eyebrow) Oh, sure, I'm just fine! I get kidnapped by great ugly toe-rags every other day! This is just Tuesday for me!

Pippin: (frowns confusedly) Really? I don't remember any Uruks in the Shire…

Merry: (sighs, shaking his head) So, now what? I don't think we can count on Boromir to get us out of this.

Pippin: (glances over to where Boromir is animatedly arguing with an Uruk about the proper way to fell a tree) He does seem rather distracted….

Orc: (slams his axe into a nearby tree trunk)

Tree: OW!

(A low rumble, almost like a growl emanates from the tree and a branch sweeps out of nowhere, sending the Orc flying.

… his friends don't notice and head back to camp with their gathered wood.)

Pippin: What was that?

Merry: (pulling off the rope that was tied very poorly around his wrists and doing the same for Pip) The trees.

Pippin: (eyes wide) What?

Merry: (sets the ropes aside and adopts a spooky storytelling voice) Remember the Old Forest, on the borders of Buckland?

Pip: (nods)

Merry: Folk used to say there was something in the water that made the trees grow tall… and come alive!

Pip: (eyes grow, if possible, even wider) Alive?

Merry: Trees that could whisper, talk to each other… even move….

Pip: (stares)

Uruk: Oi'm starvin'…. We ain't had nothin' but maggoty bread for three stinkin' days!

Orc: Um… "ain't had nothin'' is a double nega-

(The orc is cut off by a death glare from the Uruk)

OtherOrc: Yeah… woi can't we 'ave some meat? (catches sight of Merry and Pip) Wha' about them? They're fresh….

Uruk: They are not for eating. Saruman said to bring them alive and unspoiled.

Orc: Aww… come off it. Just a littol nibble?

(As the orcs and uruks argue, Merry scoots closer to Pippin)

Merry: (whispering) Pip, I think I've got a plan.

Pippin: (staring at the escalating argument in front of them) Does it involve sacrificing any limbs?

Merry: (pats Pip on the back and stands up, pulling his cousin onto his feet) Nope. Not a one. (he turns to the Uruk who seems to be in charge) Hey, Ugly!

Uruk: (freezes, turning slowly to glare at Merry who looks back calmly) Wha' did you say?

Merry: That's your name, isn't it? "Ugly"?

Uruk: It's Ugluk! Now shut yer face!

Merry: Um, but there's something you really should know before you start fighting again….

Ugluk: (turns with an exasperated sigh) What now?

Merry: (leans in conspiratorially) It's my cousin… he's… dangerous.

Pippin: (frowns in confusion) Merry, what are you-

Merry: (ignores Pip and keeps talking to Ugluk) You see, he may not seem it right now but he has… violent tendencies and if you start a fight he's liable to join in.

Ugluk: Oi'm still waitin' for the part where Oi care.

Merry: Well… you did say Saruman wanted us "alive and unspoiled." I assume that means uninjured?

Ugluk: (shifts nervously) Yeah… woi?

Merry: (sighs) Okay… focus with me here. We can't get hurt or you get in trouble, right?

Ugluk: Right.

Merry: My cousin here is very particular about how things should be done.

Ugluk: A'right….

Merry: If things aren't done his way… people get hurt.

Ugluk: So 'e an' Oi have a lot in common. So what?

Pippin: (eyes widen in realization and he comes up to stand beside Merry and gives his cousin a shove hard enough to land Merry on the ground. Ugluk stares in confusion as Pippin looks up at him and says calmly) I didn't like your tone.

Merry: (Ugluk's frown grows concerned as Merry picks himself up and brushes off his trousers) I tried to warn you. Suffice it to say, we'd better keep him happy or I'm going to wind up looking awfully "spoiled" by the time we get to your boss's place.

Ugluk: (stares in dawning horror and moves slowly away from the two hobbits to talk with the other orcs/Uruks about what he's just learned)

Merry: (watching the scared glances the orcs are giving them with satisfaction) Pip?

Pippin: Yeah, Mer?

Merry: I want you to be just as demanding and picky as the worst of the Sackville-Bagginses on a cold day, mere hours before the biggest party of the year when absolutely no preparations have been made.

Pippin: (grins and bows theatrically) With pleasure, dear cousin….