Chapter 1: The Reasons I Hate You

Mon. February 7th

6:17 P.M.

From: SamluvzHam

To: Fredtech57

Subject: The Reasons I Hate You

Hey, Fredface. You're probably wondering why I'm emailing you, of all people. Well, you're certainly not my first choice as a friend. But don't feel too bad. When it comes to merciless mockery and beating you up, you'll always have a special place in my heart. :)

Anyway, back to the real reason I'm typing this message. I just got back from my three hour long meeting with my therapist, Dr. Hindu. He's been helping me deal with some…. tough issues. You may have already heard, but-it pains me deeply to say this-I've recently given up eating every hour. Ted, oops, I mean Principal Franklin *wink* says it's "unhealthy" and "disturbing" for me to eat so much. But he's overreacting. Just for the record, I only consume 5,000 calories a day! I know, I've cut back from the usual 7,000. That's progress…right?

So today he decided we'd try a few new exercises he heard about while researching how to be a child psychologist on Google (He's not a real psychologist, he just likes to pretend to be).

And guess what that nub is making me do? Yeah, write a letter to someone I hate, expressing my "feelings and "emotions". As if.

But, since I have the attention span of a squirrel (according to Dr. Hindu), I could never sit down and write a letter. Especially to you, Freddork. Offense intended, BTW.

That's why I'm emailing you instead. Dr. Hindu (I never get tired of saying that!) suggested I make a list of all the things I DON'T like about you. So here it goes:

Fredward is a dumb name. What, did your mom think that Edward from Twilight wasn't cool enough or something? Just wondering.

You always wear STRIPES. Do you do this because you're a fan of stripes, or to get a rise out of me? Either way, knock it off. Please. Or I'll hurt you. :D

You only speak "tech nerd". Dude, learn English already! Or maybe French so I would never know what you're saying and it would be less annoying… no wait, forget that idea. I hate French people. Ugh.

Your face. It's always there, every time I look at you. Which, come to think of it, is a lot lately. Are you stalking me or something, Benson?

I'm going to stop here, B cuz if I kept going, you'd probably issue a restraining order against me for this next reason.

Well, that felt good. Huh. Maybe you really don't need a degree to be a psychologer or whatever they're called. But don't tell Principal Franklin about my therapist. He'll make me see a "real" therapist, or worse, the school counselor, Mr. Warner. Excuse me while I go puke over that thought.

Ok, Dr. Hindu said I should also make a list of all the things I DO like about you. But the problem is, I can't think of any.

Not.

A.

Single.

One.

So, yeah. I'm just gonna skip that part and move on. Ok? ;)

Well, It's finally time to wrap this chiz up (thank ham). My mom is screaming at me to go give Frothy a bath. This might take a while. Oh yeah, did I tell you I set a new record for bathing that adorable little rabid fur ball? I can now wash and dry him in just four hours! New personal best for Mama.

Ok, confession time: The point of this exercise is to write the letter (or email) and then "NOT send it. But what good does that do? That's just a waste of paper! So I am definitely sending it.

P.S. What happened last night? Dude, I deserve to know! Don't bother denying it Benson, Gibby finally caved in and admitted that there was something going on… all it took was a Texas wedgie and the promise of a dead fish delivered to his locker on Tues. morning…. (not gonna happen).

Later, Frednerd. (Please do not reply to this email, I beg you.)

-Sam

Mon. February 7th

7:24 P.M.

To: SamluvzHam

From: Fredtech57

Subject: Re: The Reasons I Hate You

Yo, Puckett. What up? I know you asked me not to E you back, but I just couldn't resist. I read the email and I have a few comments to make.

First of all, I'd just like to say thank you. It means so much to me that you get a thrill out of using me as a personal punching bag (that was sarcasm, FYI). But there's no point in asking you to stop because I bet you're saving A TON of money by not going to the gym all the time to take your anger out there. Glad I could help. Sort of.

Second of all, does it seriously take three hours for you to meet with a therapist? You must have a lot of chiz to talk about. I bet you were pouring your heart out about how much U luv me. LOL, JK. Actually, I bet I only took up an hour of your time. I'm not actually surprised you're going to one, as women are thirty seven% more likely to go to one than men.

Thirdly, about the whole cutting back on food thing? No comment. I value my arms too much.

Um, why are you going to a fake psychologist? If the guy gets his info on Google, you'd be better of spending three hours asking a hobo for guidance.

Um, how does Dr .Hindu know the attention span of squirrels? I wasn't aware it had ever been scientifically proven.

I'd also like to address that list you made about me. Here are my responses:

My name has nothing to do with Edward, or Jacob, for that matter. I don't know why you even- SAM! It was you who taped those pictures around the school of me with fake fangs and glowing red eyes that you edited on wasn't it? I have only myself to blame, I suppose. I never should have shown you how to do that. GRRR.

My habit of wearing stripes frequently has nothing to do with your hatred of them. Except for that one time when we were on a date…. except that might've been Melanie. Will someone plz explain the whole twin thing to me? I'm still confused! Ugh, I'm getting a migraine. Next topic.

FYI, the AV club is a very prestigious, elite club of guys who have a very strong passion for technology. We are all very handsome guys…except for Germy. Only a few of them are awkwardly social! And BTW, I'm learning Spanish as a second language. I can't wait to insult you in a foreign language without getting ripped to shreds like that sandwich you ate for lunch last week. I still have nightmares about it. Just to let ya know. *sighs* Moving on now.

Yes, Sam. My face is and always will be in front of you. No, I'm not stalking you! Why would you even consider that? Everyone knows I'm in love with Carly! Just to prove it: She just walked in her front door five seconds ago. Oh, oops…. why did my laptop pick today to have a backspace glitch? I'm not spying on her or anything!

About the whole restraining order? I'm gonna try and forget about that cuz ur probably right….

I can think of a few very good reasons why I am important to you, regardless of what you think. But I know telling you would only make you smash your computer with a hammer so I'll spare you. This time.

I hope you realize that this is a good alternative to just giving me a black eye the next time you're upset. We should make this emailing thing a habit! Plz consider it. My face and I would appreciate it.

Just one more thing before I click send… Dr. Hindu is absolutely right about the whole NOT sending it part. The result of seeing all your flaws can make a person very emotionally unstable and scarred for life. Not that I have issues with that or anything. Clearly.

Uh… I hear my mom calling me… time for another tick bath. : /

Until next time, Freddie A.K.A. "dead Fred", because after sending this to you, I probably won't live to tomorrow morning.

Um, you're wondering about last night, and you're right. I know you have a right to know. I'll explain everything in my next email….

-Freddie B.

Review this! I am officially a Seddie fan now!