Chapter 2: Hugs and Disses
Tues. February 14th
2:49 P.M.
From: Fredtech57
To: SamluvzHam
Subject: Hugs and Disses
Hey, Sammie. Happy Valentine's Day! In honor of this romantic holiday, I've written you a little poem below. Please try to refrain from killing me in a slow and painful way after reading it. Remember, I brought you that heart shaped box of Swiss chocolates!
Dear Sam,
I wish your desire for me was like your love of meat, passionate and impossible to defeat.
I'd love to count every beautiful blond hair on your head, but I'm sure you'd just yank mine out instead.
You're a gift from the heavens, an angel sent from above,
Do angels always express nothing but tough love?
The physical pain you never fail to inflict, is nothing compared to the ordeal my heart goes through after one of your many tricks.
My affection for you is as constant as the bruises that you've caused, always forcing me to repent
My heart yearns for you to feel the same way, or at least to some extent.
Ok, I hope you didn't hate that poem too much. But before I log off for today, I have one more thing to do. After all, no sappy love poem is complete without follow-up random facts! Here it is:
The average Swiss eats 23 pounds of chocolate per year(almost as much as you eat per month)
Did you know that Cupid (the winged baby who flies around in a diaper shooting arrows into people's butts) means "desire" in Latin?
Did you know that 50% of men and women admit to cheating on their girlfriend at some point in their lives?
Did you know that Carly's real name is Carlotta? Just wondering.
Did you know that Odontophobia is the fear of teeth? (I had that for a week after you bit my finger at lunch last month)
Well, that's all for now. Ok, I know I've been avoiding this subject so here it is: What happened a week ago. You want the truth? I'll tell you, just plz don't torture Gibby anymore. He's really a fragile and sensitive guy, despite his strange desire to be shirtless.
Well, Sam, this is the truth: you saw me leaving your house and wanted to know why, right? Well, I know I told you that I was just looking for Carly, but that's a lie. The truth is, I was measuring what size ring you wear.
Yes, that mysterious heart shaped ring with the Topaz gemstone in the center (your birthstone) is from me. Think of it as a symbol of our love. I know you probably want to have no part of me after this, but I had to let my feelings for you be known.
P.S. If you're gonna beat me up, can you do it tomorrow after school at around three-ish? I've got an orthodontist appointment at four, and it would be much easier if I could get any teeth repaired after you've knocked them out.
Your personal Cupid,
Fredward
Wed. February 15th
5:08 A.M.
From: SamluvzHam
To: Fredtech57
Subject: Re: Hugs and Disses
Wow, Fredward. I thought we agreed we weren't gonna E each other again! Boy, you just don't listen.
Ok, I feel like I owe you an apology. (Don't get used to it, this is a onetime thing, like when a girl willingly dates you) ;)
The reason I'm just now replying to you email at five in the morning is because I spent the whole night in the ER with the pizza delivery guy. Yeah, you heard me.
All I wanted was to order a simple cheese pizza, which is what I did. But Pizza hut said they didn't deliver pizza at 3 A.M. and chiz. Ugh.
So I spent an hour arguing with the manager, who finally agreed to send a guy over after I threatened to- um, never mind. It's probably best you don't know.
So the guy finally arrived 59 minutes later. Yeah, 59! One more minute and my pizza would've been FREE. This just proves my theory that pizza companies are a conspiracy. No more business from me! You'd think they'd be a little nicer to the girl who keeps them in business! Seriously, I order five extra large pizzas on average per day.
So I left the door open while I went to fetch some cash to pay the guy (notice ten bucks missing from your wallet yet?) and when I got back, they guy was screaming his head off. Turns out Frothy had gotten out and attacked the pizza guy while I was gone.
So instead of paying for a nice hot cheesy pizza, I had to pay the guy's medical bills while he was treated for "serious facial injuries" and plastic surgery. Well, it's really his fault. I mean, everyone knows that Frothy tends to have spaz attacks every now and then… or all the time. And I still didn't get my pizza!
On that happy note, I'd like to address that little poem you wrote me. First of all, Aww. That's so sweet, Fredweina. Your girly side is finally coming out. LOL.
But seriously, thank you. I've been so worried about mom that it's nice to forget about it and laugh hysterically until I start to cry. (You're just that funny.) :D
Oh, I also have a few things to say about your more-than-random facts. Ahem:
You're so right about the Swiss chocolate. Those Swiss-esians or whatever the chiz those nubs R called, think that a measly 23 lbs. per year is impressive? Ha! BTW, those chocolates you have me were really good! It almost makes me wanna kiss you! Yeah, but I won't. Yet. ;)
Um, why are you telling me about some fat baby playing matchmaker? That's just wrong. Who cares if Cupid means "desire" in Latin? I desire fish sticks, but do you see me telling people how to say that in Latin? Um, no. If you ask me, Cupid is just a stuck-up toddler. (But while we're on the subject, I'd love to see you in a diaper.)
Um, 50 % is a lot… that's really all I have to say on the subject. Moving on now.
Of course I know Carly's real name! I'm her best friend! Honestly, Freduccini, you're beginning to sound like Dr. Hindu (remember him?) He says I have trouble remembering anything that's not food related. What's his point? I see no problem with that. If you're smart, neither will you, if you know what I mean. ;)
It's not really my fault I gave you Odontophobia. I'm sorry I bit your finger, but I was trying to bite the sandwich in your hands. Your hand just happened to be in the way.
Finally! The truth comes out. So that's why I couldn't find the ring Carls gave me for my birthday. Honestly, Fredward. I'm not gonna bite you (again) or anything. I swear. Cross my heart and hope to fly (like cupid). I'm actually relieved. The one Carly gave me was so lame, but I didn't have the heart to tell her.
Now I have an excuse to wear a different one! Hallelujah! Maybe you're not completely useless after all, Fredward. Maybe.
Ok, I've gotta log off now. It's time to go harass Gibby again. I know you and Carly said not to, but since when do I listen to anything you say? You're not the boss of me.
Love/hate always,
-Sammie
Fri. February 17th
8:33 P.M.
To: Fredtech57
From: iMissPriss
Subject: Sam's mom! Urgent!
Hey, Freddie. I'm just emailing to let you know that Sam's mom just had a heart attack. Spencer and I are about to go to the ER and hopefully find out more. I'll email you again once I talk to Sam and get some details. Try not to worry and cross your fingers. I know you'll be praying for Sam too.
Remain hopeful,
-Carly
I would like to thank everyone who reviewed ch. 1 of Random Emailing! Keep it up people! Those reviews are my inspiration. Ya'll are the best! Review this!