Drink one.
One day, a few weeks after his birthday, it hits Tony like a ton of bricks. He, Anthony Stark, is in love with Steve Rogers.
The feeling had been building over the last few weeks, but after waking up in Steve's arms one day, and feeling his steady heartbeat and warm breath on his neck, he knew. He knows it like he knows everything else, from quantum mechanics to the complete ACDC anthology. What he doesn't know, is if Steve feels the same way.
After reflecting on his past relationships, or lack-there-of, he knows what will happen. Steve will leave, turn on him, or die. Tony knows if any of these things happen it might just kill him.
Drink two.
Whoever said "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger," clearly didn't anticipate the existence of Tony Stark. His track record of emotionally distant parents who died untimely deaths, getting kidnapped in Afghanistan, Yinsen's death, the Obi fiasco, a blackout bender in which he temporarily alienated everyone who cared about him, and his break up with Pepper, Tony is pretty sure he needs Steve to keep him alive as much as he needs the ARC reactor to keep his heart beating in his chest.
And that? That terrifies him. And so, Tony has been pulling back, keeping his walls up. He doesn't want Steve to know anymore than he already does, which is more than most. But Steve isn't making it easy, he keeps trying. If Tony were any other normal person, he might realize that this is because Steve feels the same way for Tony. Also, it's not like Tony wants to break things off completely. He just wants to make it easier when things with Steve head south.
Drink three.
Looking at the clock, Tony realizes he's been in his workshop since three a.m., and Steve hasn't come down. He figures it's time for a shower, and maybe a mug of coffee. Or whiskey. He'll see how he feels after that shower.
When he gets upstairs, though, he notices that Steve is gone. He wants to call him, find out where he went, since it's not even nine a.m. yet. But he can't do that. Tony can't let himself care too much; he can't distance himself only to fall back into Steve.
"He's probably in the gym, or out for a run," Tony reassures himself quietly.
Forty-five minutes later, he's climbing out of the shower. His buzz is still slightly there, but those three scotches early weren't enough to really do much damage. After combing and gelling his hair, he wraps a towel around his waist and emerges into the bedroom. Not really paying attention, he starts to dress in whatever seems appropriate. He tugs a shirt over his head, as he turns toward the bed.
At this point Tony just about jumps out of his skin. Steve is sitting on the edge of the bed, straight-faced and calm.
"Hey," Tony says shakily. "I, um, didn't see you when I came in."
"It's okay," Steve's voice is extremely soft and quiet. "Could we talk?"
Tony freezes at that. Those words. Those never, ever, good words. Instantly, the red flashing lights and sirens go off in his head, telling him to abandon ship.
"Ya know, I was just showering to, uh, get ready," Tony's excuse starts to tumble from his lips, and Steve cocks his head, looking absolutely adorable. "I have a, um, meeting that I have to go to."
"Dressed like that?" Steve nods at Tony, who is wearing an old Black Sabbath t-shirt, and gym shorts.
Tony pauses, he needs to think quickly. "No, I uh, just wanted to put on something comfortable while my hair is still wet?" He almost poses it as a question, Steve mostly just looks hurt.
Tony knows his lies are making no sense, but he just can't handle "the talk" right now.
"Tony-" Steve starts, before the panicking older man cuts him off.
"We'll talk later, 'kay?" Tony blurts out. Why did he just offer that? Oh right, Steve looks like a kicked puppy.
"Okay," Steve agrees, looking a little bit more relieved.
"Okay," Tony reaffirms. "Then I'm just going to get going. To the, uh, the meeting," Tony knows that Steve knows he's lying, but he rushes out of the bedroom anyway. He's definitely thinking it'll be whiskey over coffee.
When Steve gets back from coffee with Pepper, he checks Tony's workshop to see if the inventor is still down there, but the expansive room is still empty. Next he tries the kitchen, but the only person there is a sleepy-looking Bruce. So Steve assumes Tony is in his room, and tries to muster up the courage to go through with his talk. He hears the shower running as he approaches, and enters quietly to wait for Tony to finish.
Steve starts to take in the appearance of the room, as he often does when Tony is sleeping or in the shower. The room is almost always immaculately clean, and there are few personal items to speak of, save for a couple of small gadgets on the dresser and beside table. Overall, the room could pretty much be anyone's, but that, Steve believes, is why it is so Tony's. The lack of artwork on the walls, the lack of any personal touches, the always-made bed, even guest bedrooms have homey touches.
Steve is distracted from his musings when he hears the water shut off, and a few minutes later Tony comes into the bedroom, eyes unfocused and looking down. Steve can tell that Tony hasn't noticed him yet as the older man stares into a dresser drawer, without having acknowledged Steve's presence. The blonde man, feeling awkward isn't sure what to say, so he just waits. He watches as Tony gets dressed, and judging by the outfit, Steve thinks he might be going down to the gym. Maybe Tony would let him go with him, and they could talk while they worked out.
Steve is still just sitting on the edge of the bed, when Tony turns around and jumps, more startled than Steve could have anticipated. Steve instantly feels bad.
"Hey," Tony says, and Steve can hear the shakiness in his voice. "I, um, didn't see you when I came in."
"It's okay," Steve's voice comes out extremely soft and quiet. "Could we talk?" He asks, hoping he can get Tony to open up about what's wrong.
He sees Tony freeze at that. He wonders what is going on in the smaller man's head.
"Ya know, I was just showering to, uh, get ready," Tony's excuse starts to tumble from his lips, and Steve cocks his head, and stares at Tony confusedly. "I have a, um, meeting that I have to go to," Tony adds.
"Dressed like that?" Steve nods at Tony, referencing the old Black Sabbath t-shirt and gym shorts he'd seen him slip on.
Tony pauses. "No, I uh, just wanted to put on something comfortable while my hair is still wet?" He almost poses it as a question, and Steve can feel a tightening in his chest, and his throat starts to hurt. He knows that Tony is lying, and is desperate to get out of the room. He holds back his tears, and swallows to maintain his composure.
"Tony-" Steve starts, before Tony suddenly cuts him off.
"We'll talk later, 'kay?" Tony blurts out.
"Okay," Steve agrees, feeling a little bit relieved, though he knows Tony is probably just trying to find another way out for later.
"Okay," Tony reaffirms. "Then I'm just going to get going. To the, uh, the meeting," Steve watches as he leaves quickly, without having ever changed into any semblance of a business-meeting-appropriate outfit.
Left hanging in the room is the smell of Tony. Steve loves that smell, the smell of his shampoo, his soap, his hair gel. He takes a deep breath. He also smells a scent that had been absent since Tony had started courting Steve. Following Tony out of the room, is the faint scent of whiskey.
A/N: Kind of a filler chapter, but it felt like the best way to transition into the heavy stuff that is coming. I'll be trying to update tonight, actually, so let me know what you think! Reviews help me write better ;)