Disclaimer: iCarly isn't mine….so I'm gonna go rock back and forth in a corner. Later!

Chapter 7: Romeo and Chiz (Part 1)

Wednesday, March 2nd

6:30 P.M.

To: Fredtech57

From: SamluvzHam

Subject: YOU, Fredlump

Hey Fredward, how's it hangin? I really don't care, so please don't tell me. I just thought I see how being nice felt for a change. I hate it. Already I'm getting this uncomfortable feeling just thinking about you so…yeah.

Before you do, don't say it. Don't think about it; don't even smell the words 'told ya so'. I mean, unless you really wanna. But I would save that for when you're ready to die. So if you are, please let me know in advance so I can send some flowers to Carly and ur mother…if I can afford it. Do flower shops take pity on you if you're mourning the loss of someone? (I'd actually be cheering and gaining happiness if you died). Hope that puts a smile on ur face!

So anyway, I'm feeling pretty lamesauce about my revenge backfiring like that. Oh, and this is 100% YOUR fault, Benson! I'm not sure how exactly, but it's always your fault somehow. Seriously, how was I supposed to that you and I-it's too painful to say it (or type) so I'll just spell it out- would have to *vomit* K.I.S.S.?

I couldn't help but notice that you didn't seem too upset by this though. What, so now I don't even get the satisfaction of knowing you'll hate tasting my bacon flavored lips? Ugh. What a chizzy world we live in.

So what's the best way for me to feel better about myself? C'mon, Frederly…you of all nubs should know the answer…

Beat up a dork! I find it's a great stress reliever, and it's waaaay more fun than just squeezing a stupid stress ball. This way, I get to take out my anger and be semi-pleasant to be around, and you get to see me! Well, unless the black eye I'm gonna give ya makes seeing too hard. Mama doesn't really care about the details.

That being said, I guess I'd better go track you down. If only you were home…but you're not. You're probably hanging out with your A.V. club nerd friends. I'm too lazy (duh!) to wait until you get back, so I'll just steal the last can of Peppy Cola out of the fridge and be on my way. ;)

P.S. Do you have any idea why there's a hobo in our fridge? He asked me to please let him out, but I didn't feel like it, so I just left him there. If he doesn't die of frostbite first, let him out later, will ya? Or never. Hobos don't have much value anyway.

Later, Freddork!

Wednesday, March 2nd

7: 12 P.M.

To: SamluvzHam

From: Fredtech57

Subject: Re: YOU, Fredlump

You know, some people actually do care whether or not I'm "hangin" well. So just to irritate you (like Frothy's fleas) I'm gonna tell ya:

I'm. Doing. Fine.

There, I said it. Wow, that's a weight off my chest. Sadly, I'm still lacking muscles and strength in that are. And I've read chapter 2 of the puberty book: From Boys to Men six times! What am I doing wrong? *Sigh*

I know, I know. You're upset cuz we gotta kiss in the play tonight. So I won't say 'I told you so'. I won't even think about it…and how can a person smell words? Oh, and, just for the record, there are a lot worse things. For example:

Getting hit by a Mexican food truck (been there, done that)

Looking the face of evil in the eye (Your eyes are REALLY blue… *wink*)

Spencer forgetting how to make Spaghetti tacos (That would only happen if you hit him over the head with a two feet long meat stick or something…got any of those lying around? I'm scared to know the answer)

Hearing one of Nevel's poems (Remember last week when we convinced him to read "My Pescetarian Princess on iCarly? Then Gibby hit him in the head with meatloaf….

So…there you go. Those are a few worse things than your revenge backfiring epically on you. And um…don't worry. If I really do ever feel like committing suicide by Sam, then I'll let you know. I think a week before is a good heads up. Oh, and you should probably go rob a bank or something, cuz yes, flowers are VERY expensive.

I actually do wanna kiss you. I've always wondered what'd it be like. Thanks for describing it with so much detail… 'bacon flavored' really helps. Good thing I like pork! But not like you do. I think you're the only one in the world who'd sell your mother's wedding ring just for a strip of turkey bacon. Oops, that was supposed to be a secret…

Have fun tracking me down. But even if you can't find me, I'll see you at the play. I'm dreading the actual thing, cuz rehearsal didn't go so well. You never showed up for practice EVER, and now I'm thinking this might not have been our best idea. But oh well. At least I get to kiss you.

P.S. I thought that just for milk and tickles, I'd post a famous quote from Romeo and Juliet below. Does this seem familiar to you?

-My only love sprung from my only hate! Too early seen unknown, and known too late!-

I hope it's not too late for us…

A/N: Sort of a cliffy…the next chapter will address all of that in part 2! I hope you guys liked this, thx to all who reviewed. DON'T STOP! I cannot stress that enough.