Chapter 18: Faulty Chips and Dip

Wednesday, July 13

3:43 P.M.

From: Fredtech57

To: SamluvzHam

Subject: Faulty Chips and Dip

Hey, Sam. I'm on my way to the hospital right now. You're probably "busy" right now, so you might not read this until after the baby is born, but I just thought I'd let you know I'm coming. Also…I know this isn't the best time, but I've got a problem. My chip is malfunctioning! And no, not the kind you usually eat twenty bags of per day.

Apparently, my mom made a questionable Venezuelan doctor put a chip in my brain when I was a toddler. I had no idea until just now when I called to tell her we were married and expecting a baby (She would've done illegal things if I had invited her to the wedding-you and you're new mother-in-law have a lot in common). I was arguing with her (She was using some very creative swear words I've never heard) and all of a sudden I shouted out "Tres"! Well, I have no idea where that came from. I looked it up on Wikipedia (I don't care what you say, Wikipedia owns Google) and Tres means "Three" in Spanish. So now I'm shouting random Spanish uncontrollably!

My mom thinks the Venezuelan doctor who put the chip in my head messed up somehow. Venezuelans speak Spanish so…yeah. Anyway, my chip is faulty! I've gotta get this thing…adios…removed before…did you read that? I just typed "adios"! What the heck does that even mean?

I can't believe I never noticed this before. I've shouted out random Spanish words tons of times! Why has no one ever pointed this out? Eh. It doesn't matter. I've got to track down that questionable Venezuelan doctor! Wait…I think I'll wait until you're dismissed from the hospital. If he doesn't cooperate, you're better at making him see it our way. ;D

Crap! A cop is making me pull over. What did I do wrong? I'm wearing a seatbelt…I'm not speeding…I'm not texting…BRB.

*Five min. later* This isn't fair! Everyone tells you how wrong texting while driving is…well, I've never heard anyone mention the dangers of emailing while driving! It's probably cuz no one but us emails while driving…

Whatever. We're just different like that. I'm not gonna pay for this ticket! No! I'm gonna toss it out the window! There it goes. Wow, that felt good. It was like I was letting go of myself! I feel so free!

Oh. My. God. What did I just do? I'm a horrible person! Um…I might not be there for a while. I've gotta turn around and search for that ticket. I'm not like you! I couldn't handle Juvy! Love ya, see ya soon, blah blah blah. Bye!

Wednesday, July 13

11: 27 P.M.

From: SamluvzHam

To: Fredtech57

Subject: Re: Faulty Chips and Dip

Okay, first of all…you're missing the birth of your child! I'm not mad, though. I don't blame you for "accidentally" being late. It's not a pretty sight in here. I asked the doctors if I could just leave and come back after the baby was born, but they said no. Nubs.

BTW, when you do finally get here, brace yourself. Carly is recording the whole thing on camera as we speak (or type) and you know she'll make you watch it. :D

Um…I gotta agree with you: You're a nub. How did you not know you had a chip inside your brain that could track you anywhere in the world? Wow, that must be one small chip. It has to fit inside your small brain…

I'm not surprised. Your mom is always doing stuff like that. The woman pounds your fruit with a mallet! Doesn't that just scream psycho to you? Speaking of psycho chicks, I'm checking myself into a mental hospital. I finally realized that being in love with you…IT's INSANE! I think I'm going crazy. I mean…it's you!

Okay, okay, I know you've been waiting to hear the name I'm giving to our child. So…I won't tell you just yet. Yes, I know. Doesn't it drive you mad? Ha! You thought I was gonna tell you! I can see your excited face! And then you got all disappointed…oh, good times. Good times.

We're really taking emailing to a new level aren't we? You emailed me while driving and I'm emailing while giving birth! We should be in the Guinness Book of World Records. The last time was just for Spencer's sculpture.

UGH! I'm really not having fun here. All these nurses keep shouting at me. Here's what I'd like to scream at them: Chiz off! Actually, I will do that. Oooh, they didn't like that. Um…they're leaving. I'm alone in the room with Carly. Finally! Except I can't really see the baby yet. Eh. I'm sure it'll come while I'm napping. LOL. They didn't even have enough time to give me pain killers! I'm just tired like that.

Wow, it's been six hours since I typed that last paragraph. Sorry I fell asleep in the middle of this email. Well…not really. Your mom just showed up carrying gifts…for the baby! How selfish is that? My daughter is getting all the good stuff to herself! I'm so proud! She's gonna be exactly like me. And anyway, I couldn't wear those infant clothes. Have you seen them? They wouldn't fit a Chihuahua! I wouldn't even wear them if I could. Pink is…ugh.

God, I really hate this! I can't even go back to sleep! I'm in a lot of pain here…kinda like when you stabbed yourself with a fork! Except I don't cry as much. There was that one time when I had that janky job, but that's all. Wow, you cry A LOT! I just realized that. I know this embarrasses you, so I'll be mocking you about it. Wouldn't want you to forget it!

BTW, I saw the bracelet you left for me. It's the official Seddie color: purple! I love that color. Red and blue go so well together ;)

Well, I'm gonna try and make Carls stop screaming. She's freaking out cuz the nurses and doctors left us alone in here. I think I see Jade's little head…yep. I'm naming her Jade! You remember the girl we met when we went to L.A. to expose Steven's cheating? There's something about Jade that I like. Plus, the name isn't too girly. It's perfect.

Well, I hope you find your ticket. Not cuz I care if you go to jail for a few days (It's worse than you think) but I know you'll be freaking out all night if you don't find it.

-Sam P. (New Mother and old lover of fried chicken)

P.S. Your name sounds a lot like Fried Chicken.

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews last chapter! I've added pictures on my profile for Sam's bracelet and Jade's infant clothes. I'm ready to stab whoever chose to premiere iLost My Mind in August. I can't wait that long!

Reviews make everything better :D