Chapter 20: Fortunes and Fat Cakes
Tuesday, August 09th
9: 26 A.M.
From: SamluvzHam
To: Fredtech57
Subject: Fortunes and Fat Cakes
Yo, Fredwad! It's time for U to read another email! :( I don't know why…I always feel depressed after writing these. Maybe it's cuz I write about bad stuff that happens. Like fat cakes and fortune cookies! I've already got the title so I can't type about happy stuff!
I hate fortune cookies. I had Chinese for dinner last night, and I got a FREE fortune cookie! That was cool. But I didn't know there was PAPER in those things! So I kinda swallowed it ):
So I called Wok Star and they sent over a dozen FREE (Love that word!) fortune cookies. They felt really guilty cuz I lied and told them there was "a drawing" instead of fortunes. Ya know the one I drew on Gibby's forehead at the lock-down? :D
Anyway, I remembered to eat the cookie first this time. But the fortunes…well…suck. See for yourself:
You shouldn't have eaten the chicken (Ohmigod, I did eat the chicken! What if something bad…it was delicious. It was like biting a baby's foot! :D)
2) Your hard work will never pay off (It's a good thing I never work hard! You'll get a job and I stay at home watching iCarly)
3) Help me! I'm trapped in a fortune cookie factory! (Uh…)
4) You will fall in love with a nerd (:O it really happened! Wow, this is better than a time machine)
See? I got horrible fortunes! They all came true! But I'm not sure about the 3rd one. Who keeps prisoners in a fortune cookie factory? I guess they needed more workers.
Now I wanna talk about my favorite thing in the world (You can be my 89th favorite! Right after fat cakes, Carly, Frothy, that hobo outside my house…)
Anyway, I love fat cakes. Remember when Principal Franklin held a fat cake contest and we won locker 239 (I know most Seddie fans say our number is 8…but why not 239? We shared it!)
When we won the contest, I also got ALL the fat cakes in the big tank! Yep…2, 718 packages of sugar and fat! Mmmmm….
I've never been so happy. I ate a thousand in five minutes! Principal Franklin called an ambulance, so I ran home. Well…I walked home. HA! I made you think I really ran! LOL!
But I started to get sick of them. So I drank a thousand fat shakes instead! But I still had all these fat cakes…so I tried to give them to U. But your mom doesn't let U eat sugar…freak. Your mom is still waiting for us to get a divorce so you'll move back in with her…I saved you! You're welcome.
So I gave some to mom to stuff her bra. Oh! And I filled Lewbert's car with hundreds…you should've been there, Fredbag. It was HILARIOUS! XD
Well, I'm bored now. I'm gonna go steal some food from Carly's fridge.
Tuesday, August 09th
10:A.M.
From: Fredtech57
To: SamluvzHam
Subject: No Sam Puckett
I'm glad you mentioned my mom. Cuz guess what? She's trying to get rid of you! She thinks your keeping me at your place so I'll cook for u. It might be true…
Anyway, she wants you back in Juvi forever. She even made a petition! Here it is:
Attention Strangers!
Sam Puckett is a danger to our children! She stole my son and made him think she loves him! HA! She loves fat cakes…is she going to eat Freddie too? We have to stop this girl! She has teased and pranked your kids! Put an end to her random ways! If we get a thousand signatures, Sam will be behind bars forever!
-Marissa Benson
I was getting worried. A LOT of people signed. Even people from foreign countries! When did you go 2 Germany? Anyway, the petition got 999 signatures! Your mom was gonna sign…but she needs someone to record Celebs Underwater.
So you can continue to terrorize the world!
-Freddie B.
P.S. please don't be mad at me! I promise to buy you a subscription to the Bacon of the Month club!
Tuesday, August 09th
10:20 A.M.
From: SamluvzHam
To: Fredtech57
Subject: RUN
You volunteered me to babysit for baby Stephanie? She's your cousin! I hate kids! Well…I don't. They remind me of meatloaf…but I don't wanna spend my day watching some baby drool! What…did you think, "Oh! Sam will love this! Drool is soooo fun!"
Its not fun!
Frederly, call the hospital and tell them you'll need to stay for…your life. I'm gonna make you hurt in places that don't exist!
Hmmm…maybe I will watch Stephanie. To teach you a lesson! I'm the worst babysitter ever. I'm gonna teach Stephanie a few things…
We'll run with scissors, play with matches, and take candy from some guy…I don't know his name.
Freddie?
RUN
A/N: Oooh, a cliffy! I hope Freddie is running…
I'm thinking of changing Freddie's username. Does anyone have suggestions? I love Fredtech57 but I'd like to make it more Seddie. IDK. What do you guys think? Do you like his name now?
Reviews are like a beautiful, greasy dream…wait that's bacon!