Chapter 21: Babyhitter

Sunday, August 28th

10: 19 A.M.

From: SamluvzHam

To: Fredtech57

Subject: Babyhitter

Remember when I had to babysit for some kid in my last email? Well, I just wanted to let you know…it didn't go well. At all. Seriously, bad things happened.

Amy came to my house while I was eating fried chicken from Fried Everything But Chicken (FEBC). And she told me she likes fried chicken even more than her own parents. So I said "Thanks for sharing" and continued eating my drumstick.

So then she sat down at my kitchen table! Like we're friends or something! No one sits at mama's table. I worked hard for that! I earned that table! Mom left it for me in her will…do you know how hard it was, waiting for her to die?

I really love my table. It smells like fried chicken and tears. (Sometimes mom watched dumb soap operas while eating. She loved All My Kids)

Wait…if I got fried chicken from a place called Fried Everything But Chicken…it wasn't chicken! Well, what was it? Hmmm…now I'm curious. It's probably some gross cow eyeballs or pig liver. Oooh, it's a good thing I stole your wallet!

Ha. You didn't even know I stole your wallet, did you? (: I took it last night when Jade was crying. So I made you get up and go comfort her cuz it was your turn. Actually it was my turn but I so don't do the "getting up in the middle of the night to take care of my newborn" thing. That's a woman's job. So I thought of you ;)

Anyway, Amy and I started watching Girly Cow (The uncensored version…her mom doesn't have to know! Just don't tell Jade. She cries if she misses an episode. LOL. There was this really funny part when the cow thought she was having a nightmare wearing a sports bra. Yeah…it wasn't a nightmare. She was just crazy.

Amy was actually pretty cool. So…now you see why it was awful! She's just so much like me… I actually liked a little kid! Well, I love Jade cuz she's mine. But a random girl?

What's happening to me? Oh, God, this is like that Grinch movie! My heart is growing! There's only so much love I can have. Seriously, I married you. I've reached my love limit. I have to stop liking so many people! Do they make an ointment for that?

See ya, Frederly. I've gotta go pull off a clown's big red nose and throw it in a lake. That always makes me feel better. Have you ever seen a clown cry? It's hilarious. Wait…I'll go do that right now!

*Please forgive the long, awkward pause*

Yo, I'm back! But it didn't work out. I made the clown cry so hard he dropped out of clown college and auditioned for Clown Cillers. I guess it's some movie about psycho clowns that kill random circus folk. LOL. We totally have to see that. People come expecting to laugh and eat cotton candy…but instead get a chainsaw in their neck! YES! Man, I love comedies. But now that clown is gonna be rich and famous! In the words of Ghandi… "I'm gonna make him wish he was never born!" But I bet he already wished that…LOL.

-Sam (life-long fried chicken addict)

P.S. Ugh, stop asking me what my icky password is! You really don't want to know. You'll have nightmares for the rest of your life. But that's exactly why I'll tell you (:

P.P.S What? You thought I was gonna tell you now? Ha! That's no fun. I'm gonna make you wait…and wait…and wait…and kiss me…and wait…

Oh, Fredlump. You'll have to wait for my next email to find out XD

Sunday, August 28th

11: 35 A.M.

From: Fredtech57

To: SamluvzHam

Subject: Re: Babyhitter

Ok, first of all…why did you title your email "babyhitter"? Yes, it's very clever and sounds like babysitter…but you never hit Amy. Right? You didn't hit her, did you? Did she try and steal your fried chicken?

Never mind. I don't want to hear the details. You did this last month to the chicken delivery guy! FEBC would have banned you for life but you're there best customer.

My mom makes me watch All My Kids with her every Sunday. Uh…I mean…she used to make me watch it with her. I don't do that anymore…so was that suspicious chicken any good?

Anyway, of course it's not chicken! That's actually in the name of the place! I knew a guy who ate FEBC chicken every day for a week once. On Monday he was fine. On Tuesday he was fine. On Wednesday he fine. On Thursday he was fine. On Friday he was fine. On Saturday he was fine. On Sunday he was…still fine. What? I never said it ended badly for him. Now he's the hobo in front of Bushwell Plaza!

I totally agree with Amy. I like fried chicken waaaaaaaay more than my mom. But that's cuz I like everything more than my mom. So I guess it doesn't count. Well, don't worry. I've been saving up my allowance! I've got 50 cents. As soon as I've got ten bucks, we'll buy bus tickets and leave her!

Um…never mind the bus ticket thing. We really need to stay in Seattle. We can't leave Spencer and Carly! Who else will put up with you when I can't take it anymore? I mean that in the nicest way possible (:

BTW have you noticed Carls and Gibby acting weird lately? I saw them whispering in the school hallway, sharing a Blueberry Blitz smoothie at Groovy Smoothie, and Carly took a picture of Gibby in his tinfoil shorts. Now it's her cell phone screen saver! Maybe its nothing…but maybe it's something!

What do you think? Could they be secretly in love or just…um…what else could it be? WHOA. Carly loves Gibby? That's so…hey! Suddenly I'm not good enough for her? Not that I mind! I'm totally in love with you. But why did she stop liking me? Is it because I don't shout "FREEEEEEEDIE!" when I walk into a room?

Whatever. I've found someone who loves me for my ham :D So Carly and Gibby…Cibby! Why are they trying to hide it? We didn't hide it when we started dating. I blogged to the world about it! And then my mom saw it and pounded my laptop with a mallet. I had to buy a new laptop!

I ran out of things to type…so here's a little tech humor before I go:

What's the difference between Mickey Mouse and a computer mouse? A computer mouse doesn't have a tail.

LOL! That kills me every time. Are you laughing? Well, are you? Why not? =/

Have fun destroying clown dreams. I'll just be mourning the loss of my wallet…

-Fredward

P.S. I figured you'd make me wait. God, this is gonna drive me crazy! I have to know what the icky password is. I have to!

A/N: I like this chapter. I think it's funny so I hope you guys do too.

I think I'll make this a Seddie/Cibby story. What do you guys think? Should Carly be with someone else? Maybe I could bring Brad into the story! Is this a good idea?

Add a tablespoon of keyboard, a dash of boredom, and a pinch of cinnamon. Mix together and bake for two hours. Now you have an awesome sauce chapter! Serve hot with a side of reviews ;)