Chapter 2: iBoycott PurpleJerk
Thursday, September 15th
12:00 A.M.
From: SamluvzHam
To: Fredtech57
Subject: iBoycott PurpleJerk
I'm not going to start this email by saying hi or anything lame. I'm just gonna get right to the point…I broke up with fried chicken! And no, I'm not taking the new medicine. I was getting a lot of crazy side effects. Seriously. I wasn't hungry for a whole hour!
Anyway, I'm boycotting fried chicken. Ya know what that means? I'm giving up fried chicken. Not all fried chicken (do you want me to go back to the loony bin?) Just the fried chicken from PurpleJerk's. IDK why they call it that…maybe they have a jerk who paints himself purple? That would totally make me want to buy more fried chicken from that place (:
Wanna know why I hate PurpleJerk's chicken? Well, shut up! I know you're yelling "No!" right now. I can hear you. We really need our own place. Your room is right next door! Yeah, that's just how our relationship works. You're afraid of me, and I'm in love with PurpleJerk's chicken. But now that I hate it…I have to find something else to love! Hmmm…anything but you ;)
I'll tell you anyway. I was at Carly's last night, rehearsing a new segment called Rock N Bowl. Carly pretends to be a bowling pin, and I'm the ball! I came up with it myself! But it didn't work out…we both got bumps on our heads the size of a bowling ball (ha! Did you understand that joke, Fredifer? I'll give you a second cuz I know ur brain is slow).
Anyway, after I got home, I stole the leftover turkey from my mom's underwear drawer and fell asleep on her bed. I had a weird dream. You were there! (that makes it more of a nightmare). You were singing this stupid song from a toothpaste commercial:
Are you missing teeth? Do your molars look right? Come down to Bright Smiles, and we'll make your teeth white! La, la, la, la, la, la!
I really hate the la la part. Its soooo annoying! And now it's stuck in my head…its all your fault! You let Jade watch TV while you tried to put on a tie for that job interview (you didn't get the job, nub. And what's with men and ties? You're as bad as Spencer). And guess what Jade was watching? Yep. The food channel with Paula Dean! :D Man, that woman makes a mean soufflé.
But guess what commercial came on? No, not a promo for season 3 of the Vampire Diaries. Well…yes. But after that! It was that stupid Bright Smiles song! And Jade keeps singing the la la part. She won't shut up! Thank God she's too young to sing the whole song.
Um…what was I talking about? I was thinking about soufflé and…I forgot. Was about why I hate PurpleJerk's fried chicken…or about that tall pigmy my mom dated? Hmmm…is that what I was telling you? Well, whatever. I'll tell you the chickenstory.
So I was asleep on the couch. Then I woke up and wanted more food. So I called PurpleJerk cuz they're really fast! The chicken tastes like mud, but it's fast. So whatev.
I know u wanna find out why I hate PJ's…but hold your apple sauce! I have to tell the whole story. I called and ordered from Jonah (Ugh, I dated him? Ha! My ex works at PJ's now) So here's my conversation when I ordered:
Me: I want food.
Jonah: Great! We sell food here. What can I get you, ma'm?
Me: I'll have the…wait. What did you call me?
Jonah: Ma'm…we don't have anything on the menu called Wait What Did You Call Me. How about a PurpleWhopper and Jerk fries?
Me: How about you go rub mayonnaise on your raspberries in the moonlight? Jerk!
Jonah: Excuse me? Ma'm? Are you there?
Me: Just forget it, Jonah! I'll go get food from people who actually don't want to see me!
Jonah: Sam, is that you? Sam Puckett? Uh…cuz this is…Jo. Not Jonah. I'm Jo. I've never even had a wedgie. Oh, dang it!
Me: This is really sad. I'm going to Inside-Out-Burger.
Jonah: Shut up, old lady! (he was yelling at an old woman in the car in front of me) I didn't forget! The straw is in the bag!
Yeah…so I just drove off to Inside-Out-Burger. But I didn't have money…so I'm not gonna tell you that story. You'd issue a restraining order against me. But it's really funny and illegal. And it involves a purple teddy bear and a glass of orange juice. Aren't you dying to know what happens? Too bad! :D
Wow, that was a long story. But now you know why I will never go back to PurpleJerk. Not ever. I'm serious.
Oh my God, PurpleJerk is having a special! Buy one PurpleWhopper, get a free straw! I'm going there right now! I know I said I'd never go back…but free straws! (:
-You Know Who This Is
Saturday, September 17th
11:25 A.M.
From: Fredtech57
To: SamluvzHam
Subject: Re: iBoycott PurpleJerk
Wow, that was one strange email. Isn't it funny how we started this whole email thing cuz U had therapy from Google guy? You told me not to reply, but I did. And ever since...we email. IDK why I'm typing this. I just think we've come a long way.
You look so cute on your laptop. Well, it's actually my laptop. And you're getting grease all over the keyboard! GAH! I really love a clean computer. *sigh*
We really do need our own place. My mom still makes me sleep on the couch! Seriously, doesn't she know we slept together already? How does she think you got pregnant? We should go house hunting. And yeah, I know that means I'll be looking at houses while you eat on a couch we don't own. (:
I knew you'd never be able to give up fried chicken forev. But you did it for…a day? Wow, you broke that chicken's fragile, greasy heart. ):
Seriously, Jonah works at PurpleJerk's now? Ha! I can't believe I ever wanted that guy to like you. But that is hilarious. Thx for telling me. I'll have to sneak out to PJ's soon. My mom doesn't let me go there cuz she thinks the chicken is full of *unchicken* things. She's probably right. I once found a hairball in my Jerk fries. A hairball!
What happened at Inside-Out-Burger? Do I really want to know? I'm very curious…but curiosity killed the cat. Whoa…cat…hairball….omg it was a cat drumstick! Well, it tasted better than the chicken. Maybe you shouldn't tell me your illegal story. YET. Save that for another email ;)
Yeah, remember when you said "I'll never go back to PurpleJerk. Ever." Well, that only lasted a second before you were running back over there for chicken and straws! Straws? Really? Girls are so crazy. You would never see a guy get excited about straws.
So did you bring me a straw too? Not that I care. No way. I don't care. I'm just wondering. I'm doing a…project. On straws. A straw project. So did you bring me a straw?
-Freddie B. (The guy who doesn't care about straws)
P.S. so seriously, get me a straw (:
P.P.S Um…the straw is for Jade. She really wants 1. It's not for me. It's for Jade. Just so ya know.
A/N: It's been a while since I updated this story (:
I got the name PurpleJerk from a writer on fanfic called PurpleJerk. Everyone read the story Hello, I'mstill here! It's really good! That story made me die of laughter. Good job, PurpleJerk!
Happy Birthday to me, happy birthday to me…review! I seriously am a year older today so review! U know U can't resist. You are typing a review right now. You are sending it. You are happy you reviewed. Now you are hungry. Go get some chicken. Just make sure there's no hairball in it. (: