Thank you to my betas: Adt216 and CXC.

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of the characters associated with them.

CHAPTER TWO

-The Preposterous-

One sunny Thursday afternoon in the eleventh year of my life, I was goofing around in the school parking lot with my then best friend, Jasper Whitlock. We were turning and twisting on our skateboards, having a grand old time. Jasper was speeding off in front of me and I was hot on his tail trying to pass him in order to make it to our makeshift skateboard ramp first. I spotted a fleshy, ginger haired girl walking with her backpack firmly secured on her shoulders in the lot just as I cut in front of Jasper. It was at that moment that I knew I was going to collide head on with Jenny-Ginger-Finger, as we so lovingly dubbed her, and there was no way to stop it.

To this very day I still remember that everything seemed to slow down as I careened towards her. I recall wanting to twist the board and my body out of the way, but my body was somehow frozen, almost as if my subconscious wanted to collide with her just to see what happened. And collide I did. I hit poor Jenny so hard that her backpack swung off her and high into the air, but not before it hit me squarely in the jaw. I heard a pronounced oomph - till not sure whether it came from me or her - and then everything came tumbling down.

I opened my eyes moments later, confused as to why I wasn't feeling the sting of the concrete digging into my knees, when I realized I was laying flat on something doughy and soft. Needless to say, my super soft landing could only be attributed to Jenny's super soft belly.

Thank you, Mrs. Jenny-Ginger-Finger, for not being too strict about no sweets before dinner.

Jenny and I stared at each other for what felt like forever, both of us struggling to make sense of what just happened, when I felt it. I wasn't sure whether my stomach was attempting to crawl out of my navel or whether my anus was trying to pass my liver, but the most crippling pain crept through my body causing me to roll off of Jenny and assume the fetal position, my hands firmly planted on the source of the problem - my balls. Tears were running down my cheeks, but I wasn't crying. I later discovered that it was an automatic reflex to being kicked in my scrotum, as if there existed an invisible line between my balls and my eyes.

I vaguely remember Jenny running away screaming blue murder, but the words leaving her mouth were lost to me. Jasper later told me, after he picked up his laughing body off the ground, that Jenny cried rape, kicked me in the balls and ran for the hills once I released her from the ground.

Just so you know, Jenny didn't press charges. I guess her parents explained to her that some form of penetration was necessary for it to be actual rape, and that a boy accidently falling on her does not qualify as such. In fact, Jenny and I dated for about twelve days after that incident. What can I say? I enjoyed a soft body, even back then, and I figured that Jenny could easily defend me from any further onslaughts by the school dickhead, James.

However, as startling and shocking as the discovery of being kicked in the balls was, nothing - and I mean nothing - in all my twenty six years on this green earth, could prepare me for the shit that's spewing out of Bella Swan's mouth right now.

"Mr. Cullen?" Miss Swan asks in exasperation. "Did you hear me?"

I realize I'm staring at her with what's probably a dumbfounded expression on my face.

"I'm sorry…"

"Good grief, are those the only words you know?" Miss Swan claps her hands in an obnoxious attempt to grab my attention. "Really, Mr. Cullen. You majored in English and that is all you can come up with?"

"Well shit, I'm sorry." She rolls her eyes as I say it again. "You just caught me off guard there. It's not everyday your boss propositions you." I fight to keep the snootiness out of my voice. Even though I realize that her request is highly unprofessional and I probably have grounds to nail her for sexual harassment, I still need this job, and in the end it will be her word against mine.

"Look." She sighs and turns away from me, staring out of the window behind her desk, showcasing an amazing view of the Seattle skyline - and her ass. "I know this is unorthodox, but it will only be for three weeks. No big deal." She shrugs, but doesn't turn around.

"No big deal?" I practically shout, my legs finally reacting in accordance with my brain as I straighten from the uncomfortable, high back chair. "Miss Swan, I do apologize for seeming slow but you're going to have to explain to me exactly what you're suggesting here."

Miss Swan drops her head for a second, her stiff shoulders sagging minutely, before she turns to face me.

"My parents are under the impression that I'm in a relationship, Mr. Cullen. And no-" She lifts her hand, effectively stopping the next question from exiting my mouth, "-I'm not going to explain the reason for that." She walks over to where I'm standing, stopping about an arms length away from my heaving chest. "I can't tell them that I was lying. And I promise you, if I had longer notification regarding their unscheduled visit, I would have made some other plan. But, as I mentioned, they arrive on Monday, which doesn't exactly give me enough time to get into a real relationship, now does it?"

Is that a rhetorical question? She answers it for me as she proceeds. "I need someone that will remain professional, that will not expect some kind of physical commitment." I actually see her shuddering slightly, effectively emasculating me on the spot. Someone who knows useless information about me. This brings us back to you." She indicates to me with a fleeting wave of her hand. "You meet all the above requirements, plus I have something to offer you to make this little...act worth your while."

"Are you offering…?" I let the sentence die at my lips, lifting an eyebrow in question. If this woman was offering sex for me to pretend to be her boyfriend, I have to say that I will probably refuse due to some ridiculous moral code my parents instilled in me, and the fear that my dick would actually freeze off, but I will certainly have some wonderful footage for my late night downtime - or should I be calling it, uptime? The ways I would make her beg…

"Are you on some form of medication, Mr. Cullen?" Miss Swan huffs once realization dawns. "I will most certainly not be offering sex." She spits the words as if I offered her a terminal illness.

I shrug and grace her with my signature lopsided grin, known for its lethal effects on the female population. She rolls her eyes at my attempts and places her hands on her narrow hips.

"How is that novel of yours progressing, Mr. Cullen?"

"Fine," I reply, narrowing my eyes in suspicion, a little thrown by her change of subject.

"Well, I was thinking that I would suggest to Aro that Breaking Dawn pick it up, seeing as you've mentioned it about a million times." She rolls her eyes again.

"I mentioned it once," I snap at her.

"Once, twice - whatever." She shrugs, following the movement of her hands, slowly straightening out her skirt.

I snort softly, but not softly enough. Her eyes snap back to mine. The fire behind them would normally scorch me, and not in a good way, but I'm feeling rather cocky right now. My boss just offered me a once in a lifetime opportunity to have my book, my baby, published. Yes, yes, I know I should be offended that she is only willing to give my work the time of day if I do this ridiculous favor for her, but it's hard to catch a break out there and Breaking Dawn is not the first publishing house I unsuccessfully tried to pimp my novel to.

I ponder her piece de resistance for a moment before I walk over to the window she was standing in front of a second ago, allowing my eyes to scan the rooftops of all the nearby buildings. Could I actually do this? And what would my family say? My parents would surely kick my ass for even considering such an improper suggestion. Even though Miss Swan is under the impression that she is offering me everything I ever hoped for, she has no idea how much damage this could do to me - to my pride more specifically. I've always prided myself at being a good person. I keep my nose clean, lower my head and do my job like the good boy I am. Yes, I fuck around occasionally with the opposite sex, I mean, what warm blooded man doesn't? But I never dabbled in drugs (except for a little pot in my college days). I never lie if I can help it. I'm loyal to my friends and family and would easily die for anyone that I love. I work hard on my novel and have always dreamed of the day that some publishing house will read the draft and just beg me to have them publish it. I am not the kind of man that would do anything like Miss Swan is now suggesting, yet I am not a fool. I know the way the world works. I realize that for some publishing house to scoop up my book, I will have to kiss a lot more ass than I'm currently doing, and I'm just not the ass kissing type.

The room remains silent while I consider all my options.

"What will you expect from me?" I ask, still remaining with my back turned.

"Well," Miss Swan sounds almost relieved at the prospect that I'm actually considering this. "You will have to meet my parents on Monday after I pick them up from the airport. You don't have to go with me, but you will come over to my place after work. You know where I live, right?"

I nod in reply. Of course I know where she lives. I actually deliver her urgent mail to her house on a monthly basis. She probably thinks the tooth fairy drops them off at the reception for her. I almost snort at the thought, but keep my reactions to myself.

"Great. You come over for dinner on Monday. After that, you only need to see me and my parents after hours on invitation. You don't need to move in. You don't need to act overly affectionate as it will only raise suspicion with my parents." At this she remains silent for a moment. "They know me well enough," she says in an almost whisper. I furrow my brows at her explanation and can't resist the urge to turn around and look at her. I'm surprised to see that she's looking at her fingers twisting nervously in her lap. She looks up to see me watching her, and the vulnerable look in her eyes is quickly replaced with indifference. She remains silent, awaiting my response to the information.

"And when exactly will you make the suggestion to the big guns regarding my novel?" I ask slowly. I'm not a suspicious person by nature, but I've seen enough of this woman's work ethic to know that you do not expose your jugular, as she will go in for the kill without a second thought.

Understanding dawns and she gives me an icy grin. "Well, Mr. Cullen, if you agree to this arrangement, I will make the call first thing Monday morning."

I look at her for a moment, the full impact of what we're agreeing to slowly settling in.

"I will of course be present for that call on Monday." I'm surprised at my businesslike response, as is Miss Swan. She stares at me in what I imagine to be admiration, and slowly nods in agreement.

"And how exactly do you plan to explain our extra curricular activities to the board once this relationship-" I air quote. "-becomes public?"

She shakes her head rapidly. "I don't plan on this relationship becoming public at all. But, in the rare event that we are seen in public together, I can assure you that Aro will have absolutely no objections."

"And why's that?" I asked, genuinely perplexed.

"Let's just say, I have some pretty incriminating evidence of Aro's own extracurricular activities." She shrugs.

"Lauren! I knew it!" I shriek like a sixteen year old cheerleader. The whole office has been speculating for months about Aro and his secretary's obvious flirting, and though I tend to keep to myself when it comes to office gossip, it's still tempting to IM the news to my whole department.

If Miss Swan finds my little display amusing she doesn't show it, and I feel my ears burn with embarrassment. Her cold silence is answer enough to the questions I have about the little affair.

I clear my throat in an attempt to salvage what little dignity I have left. "If you hope for this scheme to work, we will surely need to discuss certain things that we have no way of knowing about each other at the moment."

"Yes, well." Miss Swan sighs, a look of distaste passing over her features. "That will be the unpleasant part. I think it will be best if you come to my place on Sunday in order for us to discuss these things you refer to. It will also serve as an opportunity for you to familiarize yourself with my home. My father is extremely perceptive and will immediately notice if you are uncomfortable with your surroundings."

"Sunday," I repeat distractedly, my mind fleetingly lost in the thought of actually seeing the inside of Miss Swan's home. I wonder if the place will be as cold and uninviting as the owner.

"Do you have other plans?"

"Huh? Sorry?" I shake my head slightly as my eyes refocus. "No – no. Just thinking, that's all" I shrug.

"Can I presume that you then accept my terms?" Miss Swan presses, her stance revealing her impatience.

I look at the woman in front of me for a moment. This sure as hell isn't going to be easy. It's not impossible to imagine myself getting familiar with her when I look at her physical attributes. In fact, I'm sure it will be hard enough just to keep my hands to myself. Her skin seems soft as silk and begs for my tongue's appraisal. Her lips are plump and pink and would look amazing wrapped around my cock. Her thick lashes overshadow her eyes seductively. Her breasts are perfect, just fucking perfect. Her hips curve lusciously and I can imagine myself gripping them as I ground into her. Her ass is pert and firm and ready to be squeezed. Her legs go on for days, and for a second I ponder whether she's bare there. My body reacts to my train of thought and I fight to focus on something else in order to avoid an appreciative salute from my cock. Yes, when it comes to my dick, this arrangement is signed and sealed. But when I think about the woman all these sinful body parts are attached to, my soldier instantly stands down.

I have hated this woman from the moment she opened her mouth. She's a raging bitch. She's cold and calculated. She's uncompromising and fierce and she possesses every last attribute of a spiteful matriarch. In the two years I have worked for her I have not witnessed one redeeming quality about her, except for her brilliant work, which is just about all she seems to be good at. That, and making my life a living hell.

But this is a great opportunity for me to finally get the attention I need for my book. Very few people get published while they are still in their twenties, and I'm not referring to cook books and self help crap. I'll be damned if I'm going to turn my back when an opportunity like this comes knocking.

Three weeks won't change anything. I'll keep my head down and soldier through this, just like I've always done when I'm faced with a challenge.

"Can I think about it?" I ask instead. I'm nothing if not thorough, and would really like the opportunity to bounce this crazy idea off of Emmett.

"I don't have the luxury of time, Mr. Cullen." Miss Swan's lips are pulled into the unattractive, straight line I've become so accustomed to. "I'll need your answer before we step out of this office tonight. Obviously I will need to come up with a Plan B should you refuse."

I sigh heavily and rake both hands through my hair, pulling at the ends. I watch Miss Swan follow the movement, and for a split second I imagine a slight shift in her expression. She bites at her bottom lip and swiftly moves her eyes from my hair, focusing instead on a spot above my right shoulder.

Interesting.

"Fine. I'll do this, Miss Swan." I finally agree and nervously chuckle as her eyebrows almost shoot into her hairline. She's looking at me skeptically and I'm sure that my response surprises her just as much as it surprises me. "But I do have terms of my own."

Her expression changes to one of exasperation. "And what terms may those be?" she replies snidely. "Surely the honor of your book being noticed by Breaking Dawn should be enough?"

"It won't be anything ridiculous," I quickly amend. "Just one or two ground rules of my own."

"What are they then?" She places her hands on her hips and taps her right foot in agitation.

"I don't know yet," I admit sheepishly. "What I do know is that I'm forced to agree to this rather hastily. So it would only be fair to grant me the opportunity to mull over some terms and conditions of my own, wouldn't you agree?"

Miss Swan considers this pensively and finally throws her hands in the air. "Very well, Mr. Cullen. But I expect you to communicate these so-called terms and conditions of yours to me on Sunday and no later."

"Agreed." I smile brightly, rather impressed with the fact that I got her to concede to something she didn't suggest herself. "Should we shake on our new found partnership, then?" I ask with a devilish smile. I'm starting to think I'm going to enjoy this a bit more than Miss Swan bargained for.

She nods brusquely and steps closer to me, offering her outstretched hand for my acceptance.

I look at it a moment longer than necessary and finally realize that I'm leaving her hanging. I give her a nod of my own and finally take her hand in mine. And it's soft, so soft and delicate that I nearly whimper. But I don't, thank fuck!

She pulls her hand away and mine is left in the air for an awkward moment before I retrieve it and wipe my palm on my thigh, relishing in the lingering tingle caused by her skin.

Her hands are clutched together in her lap as she watches the movement of mine. I realize a moment too late that she's probably thinking that I'm trying to rid myself of our physical touch, and her eyes reveal an almost sadness as confirmation. I shift awkwardly in one place and stuff my hands in my pockets. Her eyes that are still following their movement inadvertently land on my crotch, and I see her pink little tongue briefly lick her lower lip before she quickly turns and walks to her desk.

What. The. Fuck. Was. That?

"See you Sunday at noon, Mr. Cullen." She dismisses me over her shoulder.

I stare at her in silence for a moment, before I feel my feet moving my body towards her office door.

"Oh, and Mr. Cullen?" She effectively halts my movements. I turn to look at her standing behind her desk, her hands once again resting on the back of her chair. "Next time, please try to remember that I drink my coffee with two percent and not full cream milk."

xoxo

With love…

Your Mistress

xoxo