The word count is growing! Sorry it's been a while since the last post, I've been out of town. Postings may be a little irregular the next week, I am starting life guard training, and I have to do homework on top of class from six thirty to ten every night, so I may not have much time. Review people! They make me happy inside! Well here is the next chapter, enjoy :)

Chapter Nine – Motive before Action

The bandit's face, the dead man the one I had killed. Everywhere I turned there he was, staring me down with those blank eyes, there were no color just milky white and shot with veins of blood. I had never even taken the time to remember what color his eyes were. The mark of the rope around his neck was reddish purple, the bruising still fresh. I tried to run to gallop, but every time I turned to flee he was there again; staring me down with sightless eyes his noose in hand trailing behind him. He was coming for me I had killed him, it was my fault, and now he was coming for me. I spun in circles looking for an open path until my breath burned and my legs struggled to lift from the ground. It was like I was running in waist deep water, and he was floating on air getting closer and closer. Dancing around me like a cat playing with a mouse, first here then there so quickly that each time I tried to ran away I drew myself closer. Finally I turned and the path was clear I tried to lift my leg to run, but I was jerked back as the dead man closed the noose around my neck.

I sat up in my cot screaming, my breath came in quick pants as I realized that I could breathe, that no rope was tightening around my neck. This was the third night I had dreamt about him, about his blank eyes, and his noose. Every day I tried to tell myself that it wasn't my fault that he was a criminal, he knew what the punishment was if he were to be caught. He tried to steal my horse, to kill me, I should be happy he was dead. Yet every night I tossed, and turned on my cot for hours until I fell asleep. Then I was haunted with marrish dreams, and fitful sleep with a grand finale of one big nightmare that usually ended in my death.

"Ally?" I heard the creak of Merlin's bare feet on the stairs as he peered down from the railing. "Are you all right?"

"I- I'm fine." I panted still trying to catch my breath.

"You sure?"

"Yeah." I replied, and Merlin's figure disappeared up the stairs and into his bedroom.

Things had grown awkward between Merlin and me ever since the day of the execution. The week I had spent getting to know him, getting comfortable talking to him. In trying to get away from everything I had also quite effectively gotten away from him. He was still there making sure I was okay, that I didn't break my ankle again, but that was his job. The friend seemed to have disappeared. It was probably my fault; I have been the one who pushed him away, who's pushed anyone away when they try to help. Clarisse has always been the only one I can open up to. I was afraid she wouldn't understand though, she had been up on the balcony laughing and gossiping with Morgana, she wasn't the one who turned him in, she had been in her tent.

I had never been a social person, never one to talk about emotions, to really try to connect to people. I had never felt so isolated though; I didn't think I wanted to talk about it not yet, but I wanted to have someone to talk to. To keep my mind off of the man whose eye color I hadn't even remembered. Sighing I glanced over at Gaius, the man was a heavy sleeper, he didn't even know I was having night mares, that I had any feelings towards the six bandits I had watched hang. He was always so busy, I couldn't have conversations with him, when we did they were nice though. I didn't think a candle would wake him, so I searched for the flint and steel and a candle. I had no idea what time it was just that it was still dark out. I knew I wouldn't fall back asleep though, and that if I did I would just see him again.

Instead I struck a flame, and hobbled to the bookshelf. I had taken to reading Gaius's books on medicine and anatomy, they were interesting. It was strange comparing the methods of the medieval physicians and 21st century doctors. Those carefully constructed and formulate medicines of my time were unheard of, unable to be made. Now a day's herbal remedies and crude medicines were used. The understanding of the human anatomy was rudimentary, less than that of a middle school education in 2012. Common sense wasn't even common knowledge here. A good deal of illnesses even appeared to be blamed on magic not a virus. How many poor wretches have been burned because someone caught the flu? I wondered leafing through the text that would surely have rotted away to nothing by the time I was born.

Still I had no idea how I got here, how twenty twelve had become four fifty one. Maybe magic was a viable answer, because I still had no clue how the hell it was even possible. Sometimes I still tried to convince myself I was just dreaming. At that particular moment I missed Banana more than anything; the tan pug who always seemed to know when I just needed someone to be there for me. I would never see her again; never hear all those odd snorting sounds she made when she got excited. She didn't care what I was acting like or what I had said, she always just sat there until I felt better. I started to choke up, and tears began to well in my eyes. What would I give to have Banana with me right then? He would never ask what was wrong, never pressure me to explain. He would just sit in my lap, and sniff my hand on occasion. Thankfully not my face, he had awful breath.

I let one tear slide down my cheek, and stain a rough picture of some sort of body system. That was it, and then I kept reading through whatever remained of the night until the sun started to rise. I could already hear Merlin beginning to shift around rolling in his bed as he tried to bring himself to wake up. Quickly and quietly I stood, and put away my candle and my book, before slipping under the covers of my cot and pretending to sleep. I listened intently as Merlin got up, and hurried around his room getting ready for the day. I had to pay attention to something or else I was afraid I would fall asleep, my eyes felt heavy, and my mind threatened to give into the warmth of the bed and sleep.

I listened as Merlin slowly came down the staircase and woke Gaius, before slipping out of the door. I lay still making sure my breaths were even and slow Gaius would come tell me to wake up soon enough, and probably check on my ankle. Which had been improving, I still wasn't clear to walk around a lot or do any sort of work. If you asked me, they were being paranoid I was a bit stiff and sore, but otherwise fine. I was grateful though, I wasn't quite up to the awkward experience of being my best friend's maid.

Gaius bustled around the room, switching between what smelled like breakfast cooking and something else much closer to me that had a very acrid scent to it. Eventually he roused me, shaking my shoulder and handing me a plate with a piece of bread and a bit of meat. I thanked him, and started eating while he sat on a stool next to my ankle. I had been able to get up and walk around the room a bit without trouble, though still they hadn't let me leave since I took off galloping River.

"It's definitely getting better; we might even let you go out for a walk today." He smiled at me; he had been quite amused when Merlin had told him I went out for a ride. "No galloping though." I just smiled into my plate. He rewrapped it, and then got up to go attend to some of his other patients. "Merlin should be back eventually, tell him to take you on a walk around the castle or something." I nodded, and went back to finishing my breakfast while Gaius walked out the door.

Setting my plate aside I sat up, leaning forward a bit stiffly so I could look out the window. The sun had risen a bit higher, but not by much. I had to squint my eyes against the bright orange rays that flooded into the rooms. Sighing I swung my leg over the edge of my cot, and limped to the book shelf. I wished I could help Gaius with his work, I had always enjoyed science, and I knew enough to be of good use in these days. More than that even I had a more in depth knowledge of infections and viruses than they could possibly know about. It would just be incredibly awkward to explain exactly how I a serving girl could know about things like that. Now that I had read how many things had been explained away with magic I didn't doubt they would believe me, I just feared what they would do to me.

I brought a book back to my cot, and began reading. I had made it to the chapter on the treatment of infected wounds. Generally amputation, if it hadn't spread to much it suggested some herbs that could potentially draw it out. The chapter was littered with graphic illustrations of severed or swollen limbs, and long pus filled gashes.

"Thank God I have a strong stomach." I muttered continuing to leaf through the pages. I wanted to get out of this room. I could leave as long as I avoided anyone who might know who I am, and that I shouldn't be up and about. However knowing my luck I would run into Merlin and Arthur, and probably be lost too; then Merlin would get in trouble, because he had to help me back. And then I would feel bad, and things would be even more awkward. I would just have to wait for Merlin, and read Gaius's books. I never did know when Merlin would be back, depended on how hard Arthur decided to make him work. Knowing my luck Arthur would have done training today, and Merlin would be exhausted, and I would still be trapped in this room.

Hours passed, and the sun rose higher and higher. It was well past high noon that Merlin came back. That anyone had come back, I had had nothing to eat since breakfast, and I was starving. He came in sweat dripping on his brow, and his breath coming quickly. He looked like he had some snarky comment he wanted to say desperately, probably about Arthur. Instead he muttered a hello, and jogged up to his room. When he came down he started to head for the door, but I called him back. He turned on his heel quickly.

"Merlin, are you busy?"

"No, I don't think so, I was on my way to the kitchen to grab a late lunch."

"Can you take me with you?" I asked hoping he would say yes, I was hungry, and bored, and thought that maybe if I just spent more time with him again things would get better.

"Yeah sure." He said, starting to come towards me to help me up. I rose to my feet before he could reach me a bit unsteadily, but not badly. "Gaius did say it was okay right?" he asked. I just nodded, and made my way over to him. The walk to the kitchen was pretty quiet, and so was our meal of bread and cheese. The silence was occasionally interspersed with bits of awkward conversation. It just needed time again; I needed to figure things out. About the bandit that I had turned in, about the whole God damned mess Clarisse and I had somehow gotten into. I wondered why he was so awkward though, I had always been a shy person the incident a couple days ago had just drawn me back into my shell. Merlin didn't seem to be the type to get like this over me snapping at him. Maybe it was his constant urge to fix people, to make sure everyone who is feeling upset is happy. He knew I wouldn't talk about it, maybe he was awkward not because he didn't want anything to do with me, but because he didn't know what to do with me.

Eventually he did have to go back to help Arthur, and so he showed me back to the rooms. This time I wasn't going to be alone, Gaius was back, and he had a new patient. A young boy no more than ten or twelve lay out on the table. His hair looked like it should have been blonde, but it was darkened with sweat that dripped down his scalp and face. He was sickly pale, and twitching unintelligible words being muttered quietly.

"What's wrong?" I asked Gaius who was mixing something at his work tables; fumbling at different liquids and powders.

"He has a bad fever, and has had a cough for days. His mother only got him to me now, I'm afraid there is very little I can do at this point. Only hope he fights it off."

"There's nothing? Do you not have any herbs to bring the fever down?" I questioned him looking at the frail form of the boy on the cot. If only he lived in my time, it never even would have gotten this bad. He might not have even contracted it.

"Nothing strong enough, not for the fever he has." He said grimly pouring a potion of some sort down his throat. "This will only do so much to make him comfortable; if his mother had gotten him here sooner I could have done something, but not now."

"You're just giving up?"

"I can't do anything for him; it would take magic at this point. Sadly that's illegal." My brow furrowed a bit when he said magic, before I remembered that at this point they were all superstitious.

"There has to be something. I have to do something." I said forcefully, sitting in a stool next to boy who shivered despite his burning temperature. "Tell me what herbs to use, I'll stay with him. Please just let me help him!" I begged Gaius's face was turned into a frown that only deepened as the boy let out a wet hacking cough. "Please."

"All right." He nodded moving over to the work table, and began showing me different herbs; yarrow for the fever, angelica for the cough. Then he left saying something about having to attend to the lady Morgana, and her nightmares. I couldn't help but feel anger, is that the way it always worked here? A poor common boy would have to die, because a dainty noble was having God damned bad dreams?

"What the hell am I supposed to do?" I asked the air, praying that it would have some advice. I had no one to help me; I wasn't even sure how to give him the herbs. Anyone who knew was off tending to the fancy rich people. Sitting over the little boy's cot I felt like crying, I couldn't let him die, but what could I do? I tried to think of all the books, the movies I had seen where someone was sick in a time like this. What did they do? I watched him shivering he looked so cold. An idea coming to mind I stood up and quickly ran around the room snatching up the blanket off of my own cot, and searching for all the spares I could find. I settled them over him, making sure they were tucked in well so that no heat could escape. I had heard of people sweating out the fever I just prayed it would work.

I built up the fire higher, and lit the braziers and torches, anything I possibly could find to make the room hotter. I even found a few smooth stones that I set near the fire to heat, and then wrapped in the blankets next to him. The dress I wore the blue one, darkened with sweat as the room reached a stifling heat.

Burning I stripped down to just the thin white underdress as I tried to figure out what to do with the herbs. There were all those herbal teas maybe that could help. I wrapped the herbs in cloth balls and put them in a kettle of boiling water. While I waited for the tea to steep I sat next to his bed reading one of Gaius's books trying to find everything I could about how to treat him. There were lists of more herbs I could use, and what they looked like. Bathing him in yarrow or St. Johns Wort infusions were said to help the fever. I decided I would try that soon. Other possible treatments were dangerous or just absurd. Bleeding rubbing them in animal dung, things I knew weren't useful at best.

When the tea was finished I poured it into a cup and held it to the boy's lips. I tried to tip it back, but he just coughed it up entering into another hacking fit.

"Swallow." I muttered trying to pour more down his throat. Yet again it only came back up the still hot tea bubbling out of his mouth, and dribbling down onto my arm. "Please." I pleaded trying again still it came up, and again. "Swallow damn it! Swallow!" I yelled my voice cracking as tears started pooling in my eyes.

"Ally?" I looked up, Merlin stood in the doorway looking concerned.

"He won't swallow." My cheeks becoming wet, "I can't get him to swallow, and if he doesn't swallow he'll die!" I cried out turning my face away from him. I heard a thump as his bag hit the floor, and he walked over to me quickly.

"Hey," he said sitting next to me, "Here I'll help." He said softly lifting the boy into a sitting position, and tilting back his head. "Try now." I lifted the cup to the young boy's mouth and tipped back, Merlin rolling his fore and middle fingers along his throat. He coughed a bit, but the tea went down.

"Thank you." I breathed, as I brought the cup to his lips again.

"Why? Why does he matter so much?" he asked me his blue eyes on the boy I looked over at Merlin, and then down at my bed.

"What makes you think there's a specific reason? He's an innocent boy, he's sick. No one's doing anything; I just don't want him to die." I said my voice quavering a little as I tipped tea into his mouth.

"What makes it your job? What makes you think you have to do it?" he spoke eyes still on the boy.

"I have to save him; everyone else is too busy waiting hand and foot on the nobles. No one else cares enough, he has family you know? He has a mother who loves him and a dad maybe some siblings. I won't let him be taken away from them; I won't let him be killed." Merlin was quiet for a minute.

"This isn't about the boy is it?"

"What are you talking about?" I snapped pouring more tea into his mouth.

"That bandit, you still feel guilty, you think you'll feel better if you save someone's life."

"It's not about the bandit! It's about a little boy who's sick!" Once again Merlin was quite. "I killed him…" I spoke words just above a whisper only just audible under the crackle of all of the flames.

"Ally, how many times do I have to tell you? He was a bad man."

"How do you know that Merlin? Did you know him?"

"No I didn't, but he was a bandit, he stole and killed."

"I don't care what he did! It's not the action that says who a person is, but the motive." I focused on the boy, refusing to look at Merlin; afraid that he would see the tears that were forming again, even though his gaze had finally turned to me.

"Then who are you Ally? Who are you right now?" he asked taking the cup from me and giving the boy another sip. My hands now unoccupied fell to my lap wringing each other nervously.

"I'm selfish… all right! I'm just trying to ease my own conscious. It's just –" I broke off for a second trying to regain my thoughts. "I may not have killed him Merlin, but I sent him to his death. I decided his fate, and I didn't even bother to remember what color his eyes were!" I yelled slamming my fist into my thigh. "I didn't do something as little as remember his eye color." I looked straight at him now, not caring that tears spilled down my cheeks.

"They were blue…" he said letting the boy lay back on the cot, and putting the cup next to the pot. "Arthur thought it was funny that someone you're size had caught him; he pointed him out to me. They were blue." I didn't reply, unsure whether to be relieved I could finally say what color his eyes were, or that Merlin who was unimportant to the man, had nothing to do with him, had remembered, and I had not. "You should get some sleep, it's getting late."

"No." I said firmly, "I won't leave him."

"I'll stay with him Ally; you're doing no one any good exhausting yourself."

"No I have to be with him. It has to be me."

"Well then I won't leave you.