Ghostbusters
oOoOo
Just a one shot that came to mind from a couple of real-life situations recently that somehow made me think I could make this into a perfect Stephanie scenario. We all need a bit of light relief and a touch of humour.
oOoOo
"Grandma. Mum?"
I was surprised to see them at my door.
"What are you doing here? I was just thinking about you. How weird is that?"
"Not weird, Baby Granddaughter. Hungarian intuition. You have a problem."
"Yes, I do. What's with the broom, Mum?" I looked at my Mum warily. She was curiously calm. And then she swayed. Of course, she's been tippling.
"She wanted to help, clean up, you know. Thought you didn't have one. Besides, it might be her ride home!" Grandma cackled wickedly, dancing her dentures around her mouth, laughing at her own joke.
"How did you get here?" I asked suspiciously.
"Yeah, well. Helen was going to drive but after five minutes of staring at the dashboard and the steering wheel, I moved her over and drove us here. No biggie. It was important, like a family emergency."
"But, Grandma, you no longer have a licence!"
"Sh. I won't tell if you won't say anything. Besides, we have work to do. Helen. Why don't you sit down on the couch over there?"
Obediently, my mother nodded at that option, leaning the broom against the coat cupboard in the little foyer. I watched her as she moved like she was in a trance. I looked from Mum to Grandma, and back again.
"Is she alright? She seems a bit out of it."
"Pfft. She's fine. C'mon. We have work to do. Sit down here at the table and tell me about it," Grandma encouraged as she busied herself in the kitchen making coffee and pulling an Entenmann's coffee cake from her carry bag. She cut it and placed a slice on the little plates for us to share. She took one over to Mum. I still couldn't figure out her mood. Maybe she had tippled a bit too much today. I haven't caused any dramas for her to have the phone ringing incessantly with gossip and rumours. Nope. No car bombs, fire bombs or anything of the sort.
This is so weird. It's the same weird feeling I get when the two of them are already waiting for me by the front door when I arrive, even unannounced, no matter which time of day.
"Tell me about it, Stephanie. I can tell you haven't been sleeping. You have big black rings under your eyes. Is your sex bomb hunky man away? We'll put some tea bags on them shortly. That will ease the puffiness."
I fidgeted a bit then sucked in a deep breath. Nothing to lose I guess.
"Promise you won't laugh?" Grandma made the scout's honour salute. "Well … I think … I think I haveaghostinmyapartment." I blurted it out so fast, feeling silly admitting it out loud, just in case they or it heard me. "I know I was watching the movie, you know, Ghostbusters. But this is different. I can hear something moving and often see something out of the corner of my eye. It's been like this for the last three nights. And I get the feeling I am being watched." I sighed. "And yes, Ranger is away and I miss him very much."
"Hm." She cast her sharp blue eyes around the room. She grimaced when she saw the Tastykakes packets and wrappers on and under the coffee table.
"So … A ghost, you think? Only at night, or in the daytime too?"
"Mostly at night, especially when I am just about to fall asleep. I hear it. It's very loud in the dark. It makes me startle awake and then I have trouble falling asleep again. So, I sleep on the couch for a bit."
"Has anything moved around or shifted positions, like the furniture or cushions or things?" I know she was about to say ornaments, but I don't have any of those.
"No. Only when I have thrown a cushion in the direction of the sound it makes."
"Well. That's good sign. Not poltergeists then. What sort of sound?"
"Sometimes a loud crackling and other times very little sound at all, but I know it's there."
We sat quietly, finishing our coffee and the delicious cake, pondering the possibilities. Grandma patted my hand.
"Let me have a look around. I brought some special things with me, and some healing herbs too, to ward off evil spirits."
Donning a pretty floral Hungarian scarf and a black apron, I watched Grandma move back to the entry door and walk slowly into each room, sniffing first and then opening cupboard doors, drawers and looking under the furniture. All the while she was muttering in Hungarian, chanting an old spell, almost in a sing-song manner, sprinkling something from a little ceramic dish which she held in the palm of her hand. She sprinkled herbs in the drawers and the cupboards and randomly in each room. I could smell sage, dill, oregano, rosemary and thyme. When she came back from my bedroom she looked pleased with herself. She placed the little ceramic container on the table and patted it.
"Old Hungarian magic," she winked at me, patting my hand.
I heard my mother giggle. Really? When I looked at her she had slipped off the couch with her legs partly under the coffee table, but still upright. She had finished her coffee but her half-eaten cake had fallen on the floor as she slipped down.
"There it goes." And she giggled again, waving her little finger under the coffee table and then fell sideways onto the carpet, smiling at "it". Grandma was up and checking before me. For and old lady she's pretty agile and fast.
"Just as I thought. You have … a mouse in da house. And these wrappers and sweet things you've left lying around is what has been keeping her fed."
"Her?"
"For sure. I would have smelt a him, if it was a boy. They tend to leave territorial scent markers. Let's hope she's not a pregnant mummy mouse."
"Pregnant? Uh oh. That would be just my luck."
"Is Stephanie pregnant?" my mother asked quickly.
"Hush, no. We're just hoping the mouse isn't."
"Oh," she muttered in disappointment, looking for the mouse under the coffee table, smiling again as it scampered under the couch. My alleged pregnancy forgotten, thankfully. "I see you," she said in a sing song voice.
"Grandma, did you make your Mary Jane cookies again?" I asked with my eyes on my mother, giggling at the mouse's hide and seek game.
The only answer I got was a smirk and a twinkle in her eye.
"Tell you what, Stephanie. You go to your bedroom and lie down for an hour or more. Put these warm damp tea bags on your eyelids. Then, when you wake up, have a refreshing shower and dress in something comfy. In the meantime, we'll clean up and see if we can catch us a mouse. Right Helen?"
She got a nod in reply. Of course, that explains her weird behaviour.
By the time I came out of my bedroom more than two and a half hours later, I was feeling a lot better and refreshed. I had dried my hair and it sat neatly in soft wavy curls. The puffiness was gone from my eyes. Wow! Tea bags rock. When I came into the living room and kitchen they were sparkling clean.
But still no mouse. And no ghosts.
My mum was rosy cheeked and drinking a black coffee at the dining table, munching on a rather large slice of cake. Grandma too looked a bit flushed.
"She's a slippery little sucker! She's playing hide and seek with us. Under the stove, beside the fridge and under the fridge. If I was strong enough, I'd move them. I even tried a wire coat hanger. We need a plan."
As if on cue, there was a knock at the door. Looking through the peephole I recognised my Merry Men. I opened the door and welcomed Tank, Lester and Bobby, dressed in their SWAT gear. I rolled my eyes and chuckled.
"Guys."
They each gave me perky grin with a peck on the cheek or my temple, and strode into the living room.
"Good evening ladies. We here, are the Ghostbusters!" Lester proclaimed proudly, standing side on with his chin up, in a typical superhero pose, hands on his hips and chest out. The only thing missing was his cape flapping behind him over his shoulders.
"Hot dang. What a pip! You got some live ones here Baby Granddaughter!"
"Mother. Behave yourself."
"Mum, Grandma. I think you have met them before. This is Tank, Bobby and that one over there is Lester."
My mother was very mellow. She smiled and said hello politely and offered them coffee and cake. Her Burg manners always prevailed. Grandma's eyes were gleaming, obviously and not so subtly checking out their packages. I gave her a warning look, wagging my finger at her.
Lester was already stalking up to the windows, looking warily behind the curtains. He held a device in his hand, taking readings in different directions. I had to laugh.
"Sorry to disappoint you, but my ghost is actually a mouse."
"Sneaky little thing, too. She went behind the fridge." Grandma explained, eyes on Lester, "but we couldn't reach her and it's too heavy for us to move."
"Say no more."
And with that, the three of them quickly discarded some of their SWAT gear and started to scan the room, moving furniture, lifting up cushions and probably checking for killer dust bunnies while they were at it. Being big and strong, they effortlessly moved the refrigerator, lifted up the couch and generally moved all the furniture that wasn't bolted to the ground. While Bobby was bent over looking under the coffee table, Grandma pinched his ass and he flinched with a scream.
"Grandma! No molesting my Merry Men." I said firmly. She wagged her eyebrows mischievously but looked apologetic, but only for a moment, until her eyes started to track Tank's movements. I gave her another warning look and she relented with a reluctant sigh.
"Well, I have to say, Stephanie. They are mighty fine looking men. Mm-mm."
Omigod. And I thought I only had to worry about Grandma. Mum's eyes were on Lester's ass as he ducked under the dining table, and she bit her lip. Jeez!
Behind the fridge were some more wrappers, from Butterscotch Krimpets. I blushed a bit. Bobby suddenly screamed as it leapt out from behind the fridge motor parts as they were pushing it back into place. It scurried away so quickly, hugging the wall and disappearing in the narrow space between the stove and the kitchen cupboards. How did it get in there? It was so fast.
Half an hour later, Mum had vacuumed quickly in the space left available before my Merry Men returned the heavy appliances and furniture to their original places. My kitchen was now spotlessly clean and we still hadn't found the mouse.
Mum and Grandma departed, via the Tasty Pastry at my mother's request. Yep. She's got the munchies alright. Grandma had to physically shove Mum out the door because she was still lingering on my Merry Men with a wistful, and, dare I say, a lustful look in her eye. She's never going to live this down. Maybe Grandma needs to make her special MJ cookies more often. Seeing my Mum so mellow was quite amusing. Grandma winked at me as she patted one of her special cookie tins she'd left for me on the kitchen counter. Omigod.
While Tank sent Lester off to the hardware story to get some mouse traps, Bobby was dispatched to the supermarket. I asked for them not to use poison bait, just in case Rex came out to play and found it, while I cleaned his cage. His cage, I noticed, was pristine and he seemed happy with the clean sawdust and the baby carrots and grapes that Tank was feeding him, before disappearing into his soup can with bulging cheeks.
"You know, I could always bring Mojo, Betty-Boo, Moxie and Minx. They would love a mouse hunt," Tank suggested with a smile and a mischievous waggle of his eyebrows.
Before I could answer Lester and Bobby burst through the door full of exhilaration. They excitedly dumped their loot on the table, displaying it with pride. Men! Mouse traps of various kinds. I think they must have bought a sample of each variety. And, what pleased them even more, ironically, they were all black! They are so easy to please.
"The hardware store had the best selection. Feast your eyes on this baby!" Lester showcased with a flourish.
"Exhibit A: The Big Cheese Multi-Catch Mouse Trap: welfare friendly control; catches up to ten mice." Bobby was show-girling the yellow box. Lester's voice was like a TV or radio advertisement as he cupped his ear to feign speaking into a microphone, aka a teaspoon. Bobby was also in advertorial mode.
"It has a self-setting mechanism … AND …" a drum roll from Lester, "a clear view flip top lid for easy inspections and cleaning!"
"Exhibit B. We have the Trap Station."
"Ah! But, Exhibit C: Here we have the Catch & Hold Live Catch Mouse Trap. Hmm. Reusable, lightweight, sleek yet sturdy design! And it also has a translucent lid for monitoring and cleaning. It says it is ideal to use with children and pets in the house. Hmm." They nodded to each other in approval.
Oh my God! It was like watching a comedic performance. Their eyes were gleaming with excitement. I checked their chins for drool, just in case. All clear.
Tank had a shit-eating grin on his face. I couldn't help but smile at their antics and enthusiasm. It certainly helped ward off the evil spirits along with Grandma's Hungarian magic and chants. They were like kids with new toys on Christmas morning.
Their precious bounty included an Electronic Mouse Trap guaranteed to kill a hundred mice and it was reusable! Mercy! One hundred? Bobby proudly displayed the AA batteries required. They salivated over the smart circuit technology and the LED monitoring light which flashed when a mouse was caught. Tank was impressed and read the descriptor blurb with impressed approval. God these guys were so funny.
There were two models, and they compared the merits of each, citing the features highlighted on their respective boxes.
"The Big Cheese, this electronic mouse killer is a quick, humane and effective way to combat mice," Bobby read. "See. They knew what our needs were … see ... COMBAT!"
Lester wasn't fully convinced.
"I reckon this one is the Rolls Royce edition. No! The … drumroll … Cadillac! Primo quality!"
Lester and Bobby nodded their heads in agreement. I couldn't stop laughing. All my mouse worries and ghost issues melted away. They endorsed key words like "humane" and "Never touch a dead mouse ever again". Yep. That won me.
So, they stalked around my apartment, setting the traps in all the places we had seen the mouse. Or was it mice after all? And other likely places. There were more electronic traps, which of course appealed to their masculine primo dignity. Lester of course decided my bedroom was a possible haven for mice to hide, and the bathroom. With smug satisfaction my three heroes flopped on the couch and the armchairs, smiling broadly, waiting expectantly.
I pulled some coronas from the fridge and we sat down and waited, listening with bated breath. I got the giggles and was promptly shushed for disturbing their serious surveillance! Surveillance! I rolled my eyes and snorted into my drink. Twenty minutes later, Lester tiptoed into the kitchen to get some refills from the fridge.
"Oh. Cookies! Nice!"
Uh oh! Before I could stop him, he had already devoured one of Grandma's cookies with Cookie Monster enthusiasm, as he picked the crumbs from his black t-shirt. Too late. Tank and Bobby pounced on the tin and dived in. Oh well. If you can't beat 'em, join them. Very shortly they had polished off the remaining cookies and were looking quite mellow, while doing their surveillance. Lester was now propped up on the couch, feet tucked underneath him, bright-eyed, watchful and alert. He hissed and pointed, indicating one of the tiny invaders. Invaders? Plural? Bobby clicked his tongue, pointing eagerly towards the curtains. There was more than one mouse in my apartment, but I was beyond worrying about that anymore. I had a real happy buzz going.
They did virtual high fives and silently HOOAH-ed when the electronic traps flashed the success of a capture. Maintaining their watch, the cookies made them more relaxed, and instead of high fives and silent HOOAHs, they giggled as another LED light flashed. Giggled! These big hard ass Rangemen were giggling in my apartment. I lost count, thinking about Ranger in preference to thinking about electrocuted mice.
o0o
"Babe?"
I woke up to luscious brown eyes with an amused expression on his face as he surveyed the room. A warm hand clutched my hand and another held my cheek. I think I sighed.
"Care to explain why three of my men, the core team, are passed out in your apartment?"
He kissed me, not really expecting an immediate answer.
"Mmm. Ranger. You're back. Are you my real Ranger or a Dream Ranger?"
"I'm the real Ranger, Babe."
"Mm. You smell so nice. Did I ever tell you how beautiful you are? Just one look from your sexy eyes and my panties melt away and with that smile of yours ..."
"Babe. TMI. I taste beer and cookies. But I think you're a bit stoned."
I smiled into his warm kissable lips.
"I confess Mr Sexy Pants. We had some beer and some cookies. Grandma's Cookies. They were so yummy."
Then I was sad for a bit.
"Sorry. But they're all gone now. We didn't save you any. Maybe next time."
"It's alright, Babe. Another time," and he was smiling when he kissed me again.
Another light flashed and Bobby clicked his tongue.
"Hey Bossman. We're doing surveillance. Shh."
And he promptly went back to sleep.
Ranger scooped me up and I snuggled into his warm chest with my nose and lips in his neck.
"Yum. You taste good, too."
"Let's go, Babe. We'll leave them to their "surveillance". I'll take you home."
"K."
"We'll go past Maccas and get The Cure on the way."
"Oh. You are a God among men. You are my favourite-est, my flavourite. You know that? I love you Ranger. Really love you."
He squeezed me and kissed my temple. "I know, Babe."
Ranger buckled me in the comfy Porsche. How did we get here so fast?
"Oh. And just so you know … We were being Ghostbusters. Sh. But the ghost turned out to be a mouse. Mice. Or is it mouses?"
And my Ranger drove me via Maccas and home. By the time we were home, I had inhaled the hot salty fries and slurped the coke to a lucid state of clarity and lust.
"So glad you're home Carlos."
"Me too, Babe."
oOoOo
The End
And there you have it. My Muse got a bit carried away. Not mine. Thank you, JE for giving us these fabulous characters to play with and have some fun. I certainly had fun with this one.
I hope it brought a smile to your face. We all need some happy in these uncertain times. Keep well and be safe.