Hi guys! Here's chapter 7. I'm still working on chapter length, but this one is longer so I think I'm getting a grasp on it. Enjoy :)

It's early afternoon when I wake up. I'm confused at first, wondering where Effie is to inform me of another 'big, big, big day', when I remember there's nothing to get up for. No more parties or spotlights. No more having to pretend. Not only that, there are no more promos to shoot. I am no longer the mockingjay. A strange wave of relief passes through me. Today, I won't have to wonder if I'll make it to the night alive. I don't have to worry about Snow hurting the ones I love. I'm about to get out of bed, revived by these new realizations when another one forces me back to the mattress. I don't have to worry about Snow hurting the ones I love… because there aren't any left. I sink back under the blankets and pull a pillow over my head. The pain starts as a dull ache in my chest. Gale. He's off in District 2 making a life without me, driven away by my inability to forgive. The ache grows stronger. Cinna. Killed because of my involvement in the rebellion. There's no longer an ache, but sharp jabs to my heart. My father. Gone the longest, but missed the most. Now my torso is on fire. Prim. Innocent Prim. She could have done so much, would have done it, too. Now I'll never get to see her grow up, never get to see all the beautiful things she would have done.

My name is Katniss Everdeen. I am seventeen years old. Why is Prim dead? Why am I not? I have done nothing to deserve this life.

Hunger eventually forces me out of bed. I leave my hair in a tangled mess and walk to the dining car. It must be dinnertime because everybody else is already there. Greasy Sae and Peeta are talking quietly. Peeta's forehead is scrunched in concentration. Haymitch is passed out in his chair. His head rolls onto Effie's shoulder and she pushes it away with a napkin-covered finger. Everyone, with the exception of Haymitch, looks up when I sit down.

"Ah good, now we can begin," Effie says, daintily placing a napkin across her lap.

I'm startled to see an Avox come in with our food. I thought the rebellion did away with any type of servants. But this one is different. He smiles at each of us while he lays the food on the table. Effie even returns the smile and thanks him before he disappears.

I dig in, not caring about manners. I'm not even sure what I'm putting in my mouth, but it tastes good so I continue. We eat in silence, apart from an occasional snore from Haymitch. When the Avox returns to switch out the main course with dessert, Effie clears her throat.

"I think it is truly wonderful what you are doing back in District 12," she says.

I look up from my pie. "What do you mean?"

"All that rebuilding. And that cute garden you've started. It's just so… so refreshing to see people come together like that." She sighs.

"But that's what anyone would do," Peeta says. "I mean the obvious thing is to help each other. What kind of a person just sits around and wallows in their own misery waiting for other people to fix their problems?"

I know his comment wasn't directed at me, but it still stings. Isn't that exactly what I've been doing? I've spent night after night back in 12 crying for my losses. The only reason I went outside was to hunt, to make me feel better. Peeta has unintentionally made me feel weak and selfish. And I'm suddenly angry with him for it.

"Not everyone is perfect and helpful like you, Peeta," I snap, getting up to leave.

He frowns at me. "That's not what I meant, Katniss."

"No, you're right. What you must have meant was 'Hey, Katniss. Why don't you get over yourself? No one else here has any problems, so why do you?'" I know I'm being ridiculous, but I can't stop myself. "You may be able to skip around like nothing happened, but some of us lost everything, Peeta!"

He stands up, knocking his chair over. "I lost my family, Katniss! I lost my mind. I still don't know what's real or what's not! Do you think I liked playing that stupid game? Do you think I enjoyed having other people know more about my own past than me?"

It's the first time Peeta has ever yelled at me. I take a step back from him. He's clenching his teeth and his arms are trembling. Our shouting has woken up Haymitch and I notice him taking cautious steps toward Peeta. Greasy Sae is doing the same. I don't understand the terrified looks on their faces until Peeta lunges across the table at me.

I scream and jump out of the way. He flies past me, crashing into the wall on the other side.

"Run, Katniss!" Greasy Sae shouts, pulling me up by the arm. "Go to your room and lock the door!"

I nod and then stumble down the train. I slam into my door, forgetting to turn the knob. I get it open just in time. Peeta is barreling down the hall towards me. I pull the door shut and lock it with shaky fingers.

Peeta slams into the door just as I had only moments ago. He starts pounding on it. "Get out here, you stupid mutt!" he shouts.

I back away from the door. "Stop it, Peeta!"

"Why? Are you afraid? You should be! Because the second I get in there I'm gonna—"

There's dull thud and the sound of Peeta falling to the floor.

"Got 'em." I hear Greasy Sae say. "You can come out now, dear."

I hesitate before opening the door. Haymitch is carrying Peeta down the hall with the help of an Avox. Greasy Sae is watching them pan in hand.

"I thought that was over," I say quietly. "I thought he was better."

Greasy Sae turns to look at me. Her expression is hard. "We've managed to keep him away from you when it happens. Usually we lock him up in his house and he gets it all out within a few minutes. This time was much worse."

"Why didn't you tell me?" I want to start yelling again but I'm afraid I'll wake Peeta. "I thought Dr. Aurelius let him come back because he was okay."

"We didn't think you needed any more on your plate. And he was okay… when he was away from you. You weren't in the Capitol to trigger the episodes so Dr. Aurelius assumed he was better. But he was wrong."

"Then why did you let him come on the train with me?"

"It was too much work to try to get two trains, one for each of you. Effie had a hell of a time just getting this one."

"So…" I pause, thinking. "So this is the real reason we're going back? It's not just a 'check-up' is it?"

Sae shakes her head slowly. "I'm afraid not, dear. But we'll be coming home real quickly, as soon as we drop him off."

"Drop him off?"

She nods.

"So he's not coming back to 12 then," I say dully.

Sae puts a hand on my shoulder. "I know it's hard. But this is what's best."

"Why am I here, then?" I ask.

"Dr. Aurelius actually does want to see you, too."

"Oh," I say numbly before going back into my room.

I lay wide-awake in the darkness. At one point, Peeta regains consciousness and I can hear his shouts from down the hall. I try to tune out Haymitch and Sae's attempts to calm him. I wonder where Effie is. Probably hiding under her bed. I pull the covers over my head and hum Rue's four-note song to myself until I fall asleep. That night, my dreams are blank except for Peeta. He's standing in the distance. I begin to walk towards him, but the faster I walk, the farther he gets. I begin to run, shouting his name but it's no use. He's just a speck on the horizon now. I stop, trying to catch my breath but I can't. I can't move the air in and out of my lungs. I'm suffocating and Peeta is disappearing and I decide that maybe this is best. Maybe I'll go to sleep and never wake up and that would be okay because if I can't have Peeta then why am I even here?