Yeah. Geez. I should be updating SAS... but... god, sometimes you can't fight the power of Roxiri. I'm seriously having way too much fun with this. Why does angst feel so good to right and so wrong to read? Why! Dramatics aside, I've updated and I think this is going to turn out to be more than three chapters long (is sorry). But it will still be less than ten! I promise you! I apologize beforehand for any typos/spelling and/or grammatical errors (did not proofread).
Anyway, enjoy.
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I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
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Still Awake. Still Awake. STILL FUCKING AWAKE?
"What?" I sputter out quite unattractively. His last comment still hasn't sunk in. He was still awake. Awake. What is this word? Awake? It had never sounded so foreign to me. Is it French? My head is beginning to hurt as wave after wave of confusion just crashes through the synapses of my brain. The little Kairi's in my head run around scrambling, trying to find the word. Awake. And connect to it my current situation. If he was awake. He was awake then he heard…
"Oh god." I cry out. No. No. NO! My hands search my pockets looking for something – anything, really – to bang my head with. Maybe if I hit it hard enough I'll wake up from this horrible nightmare. Or lose consciousness at the very least. I'm distracted (understatement) that I don't notice him at first. He doesn't exist in my current state of panic. The only thing registering in my head is a solution to get myself dug out of this grave I've buried myself in. That's what I do. Kairi, the problem solver is my name!
I just have to think. Think. Oh wait. Did I say that out loud? My eyes anxiously glance up to find evidence of my further embarrassing blunder. Except he isn't there. I'm met with the back of his perfect blonde hair. The idiot is walking away from me. I'm torn between running up to him and sprinting in the other direction. Roxas doesn't look back at me as he continues to make his way towards the school's door. He doesn't make a move to wait for me either.
Not that I would've followed him. I'm frozen like a Popsicle on the spot. One of those cherry popsicles, because I'm quite sure I've turned a dark red.
The late bell sounds through the parking lot and I feel like a statue. I don't know what to do – where to go. I can't… I can't possibly go to school and be around him now. Especially now that he knows. It's going to become so weird and awkward around us. He won't talk to me anymore. Or worse, he'll treat me like a pathetic sap and pity the shit out of me.
The keys are in my jacket pocket. I could just turn back around and start the car. I can just drive home – no. The neighbors will see and tell my parents. Fine. I can drive to… I hold that thought, and dig through my bag, pulling out my wallet. I have about five dollars in cash. Crap. No gas.
Ah, what am I thinking? I'm a good girl. I don't do that. I don't ditch no matter how uncomfortable I know the school day is going to be. I sigh and stuff my wallet back into my bag. I wouldn't ditch even if was dared too. Why was I even considering it?
I put my shivering hands in my pockets and slowly make my way towards the school, already dreading the day.
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When the bell for second period rings I can feel the oncoming nervous shivers crawl over my body. It's Government class and from my line of sight, I can already see the familiar blonde head. He's playing with his pencil and shooting that girl Olette a playful wink. Okay that was normal… and so was that bubbling anger forming in my stomach.
Carefully, I make my way towards the seat next to him, not without shooting that brunette bitch a glare. Scooting my chair closer to the desk, I set my bag on the desk – despite the teachers disdain for bags on the desk (he thinks we're all secretly texting or something). I don't say anything. What would I even say anyway?
He ignores me for a good five minutes, continuing to shoot that stupid girl more flirty looks. I huff and lean against my hand, glowering at the desk. So maybe I wasn't expecting this. Maybe it's better than talking to him about…
"So, Cherry, did you do the project?" His voice breaks me from my concentrated glare. It comes as a shock that I don't know what to say at first. So I just settle for a confused, "What?"
He regards me with a raised brow, before smiling that ridiculously cute smile. He points towards the board and I follow the direction of his finger. My eyes scan the board reading the message that's messily scrawled with a red marker: Bill of Rights Project due Monday.
Of course I did it. Why wouldn't I do it? In fact Roxas didn't help me with squat when I stayed up all night two days ago trying to complete our project. Roxas knows this, why would he even ask such a stupid question? I open my mouth to give him an annoyed retort, when the look on his face makes the words die out in my throat.
His blue eyes are narrowed and they dart all around my face. There's something different about them. It reminds me vaguely of last night, when they looked almost black in the moonlight. I feel my face slowly start to heat up under his heavy gaze. Because that's what it is, it's heavy. Like a hot summer day, beating down against my Popsicle self. I can feel myself melt. His staring doesn't last long, but god, I can feel my whole body trembling weakly.
I don't have time to answer his question, because he's back to talking to Olette. It gives me a chance to catch my breath and settle my crazed heartbeats. It gives me enough time to calm down, and then get mad all over again at seeing him talk to her.
He doesn't talk to me much after that. And if feels painfully… normal. He's acting completely normal and there's zero awkwardness or pity radiating off of him. It kind of throws me off. And if I was being truly honest, it sort of made me upset. What the hell is going on?
It's worse because I have no idea what to say. What to tell him. Should I bring up last night, even if I really really don't want to?
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My next classes do not serve to comfort my obvious – well – discomfort. I only shared two other classes with the blonde and in both the subject of the previous night's shenanigans was never brought up. I would have immediately believed that the idiot had completely forgotten that he brought up if it had not been for that occasional weird look he would shoot me. I knew he knew, which made things even more awkward. And if I was being truly honest it sort of hurt.
I let out a quick sigh when I find my seat in my English class. Finally I was in a class where I didn't have to see that orderly windswept, blonde hair. I pull out my things and sink into the hard, plastic chair. My eyes move around the room and land on the teacher who looks close to being dead on the wooden desk. Phew. This was what I wanted – time to reevaluate the entire situation. I'm Kairi, the fucking solution maker. There's solution to everything.
Mentally, I list out the things that are pretty obvious and in plain sight: Roxas knows of my ridiculous and embarrassing, not to mention stupid feelings… er right. Two, he's not helping my situation by bringing it up and putting it away like a toy, and three I'm too much of a chicken shit to actually do anything.
I sigh and bring a hand to my forehead, rubbing it gently. Seriously however way I look at this, I can't seem to find a proper solution – well a solution that doesn't include packing up my belongings and moving to Alaska as fast as I can.
Kairi the solution maker has epically lost her title.
"Hey Kairi." My eyes immediately snap towards the sound of the voice. It's Sora – Roxas's older brother – who's leaning against my desk casually. He beams at me and suddenly I feel like sinking further into the chair.
They almost look exactly the same, if not for the hair and their skin tone. Sora is golden and tan from being out in the beach for hours during the day (he works as a life guard). Roxas is pale and never goes near a beach. Sora's dark chocolate brown hair is a disarray of messy spikes, while Roxas always makes sure his hair is nice and neat. Sora is generally the nicer of the two brothers, while Roxas is the more… well, you know.
And Sora – unlike his brother – is quite blatantly infatuated with yours truly.
I inwardly groan as the brunette dopily takes a seat next to me. It's not like I think he's ugly or weird or whatever. I just don't like him that way. He should be the guy I like. He's nice, sweet, has apparently attractive genetic make-up (hah). He's not superficial or conceited (like that stupid idiot). But he's just not what I want. And sometimes he doesn't take a hint. Clearly I've made my feelings known – or lack of feelings in this case – towards him. And clearly, he knows of my existing (stupid) feelings for his brother.
"Hey, Sora." I greet quietly – if not weakly. I really don't want to have to deal with him, on top of all that problem solving I'm trying do to. He grins when I respond and I look away awkwardly.
"So did you go to the party yesterday?" He asks casually, turning in his chair so he's fully facing me.
"I did actually."
He knows this. He was the one that opened the front door when I went to pick Roxas up last night.
"I didn't see you there." He continues, as if he doesn't realize how much of an idiot he's made himself seem. I inwardly sigh. Seriously, I don't have time to deal with this. This useless chewing the fucking fat type of chat. "Are you sure you were – "
"Is there something I can help you with, Sora?" I interrupt, sounding harsher than I initially intended. He visibly flinches. His round – ridiculously similar towards his brother's – eyes narrow slightly and a pout forms on his lip. It's kind of pathetic, really. He looks like I just kicked his puppy or something. But it still makes a small pool of guilt form at the pit of my stomach at his hurt expression. I really am pushover sometimes.
Before I can come up with a reasonable apology for my rude behavior, I hear a soft coughing towards the left. An icy chill slivers down my spine. I recognize the voice. Courtesy of my awesome, super human hearing. Kidding.
I slowly turn in my seat to find myself face to face with best friend number two. Namine. Her pale blue eyes focus in on me and another chill runs throughout my body as I shift uncomfortably in my seat. I hate when she does that. That hard staring – like she's reading my mind. Her lips are held in a tight frown, as her eyes dart from Sora to me.
Great this day was just getting worse and worse.
See, Namine kind of – was sort of obsessed with Sora. Okay, obsessed might not be the most appropriate word. She liked him. And whatever. I don't really see what she sees, but I suppose I have to be grateful for the fact that she was never interested in Roxas. Which is pretty weird now that I think about it.
I met her when Roxas and I were in the third grade. She was the oddball in the class. Never talking, until I was partnered up with her. I remember being so nervous and I babbled like an idiot, until she told me to shut up that was quickly followed by a number of apologies. I'd find out later that the reason she never talks is because she's ridiculously shy, well, around people she doesn't know.
"Hey Namine!" I greet her with much more enthusiasm than the brunette sitting on the other side. The girl's eyes rest on me for a careful second, evaluating the conversation she interrupted. I know she's trying to figure out what I'm thinking, being around Sora. It annoys me because that sort of insecurity puts a strain in the trust of our friendship. But I let her do her thing anyway. It's not like I can stop her from looking at me suspiciously.
Finally after what feels like hours, she waves softly. Her voice is hidden behind her closed lips, partly because we're in a room full of people, mostly because Sora's in the vicinity. I know her. And I recognize the blush that's slowly forming on her pale skin when Sora acknowledges her.
I wait for her gaze to relent but it doesn't.
I have no idea what's going on in her mind when her eyes narrow. But I have this suddenly eerie feeling that she's not focusing on the little spat with Sora anymore. Big blue orbs sweep across my face reading my expression, and a crease forms between her brows as she knits them together.
The crease disappears as something akin to realization encroaches her expression. She lifts her hand and points at her bracelet. It was a gift from Roxas on her seventeenth birthday. I would know (not because I was jealous or anything).
I shoot her a puzzled look. One of her eyebrows rises, before she shakes her head. And then it hits me, she's figured it out – what's been bugging me. Well, she's figured out who exactly was making me look like a miserable sap. I frown at her and roll my eyes. Sometimes I really, really hate how easily people can read me – especially her.
It annoys me, but I still feel a small wave of relief at the concerned frown she sends my way.
Sora is completely left out of our whole unspoken exchange.
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Namine doesn't need to ask. I know she's observant and will catch on to the thing between Roxas and I – or lack of said thing.
It's lunch time now and the panic from this morning has morphed itself completely into anger. Roxas has not said a word to me all day since this morning. He isn't exactly avoiding me, but he's not talking to me either. I mean who does that? I feel like a fish that's been tricked into biting onto the bait of a hook. And then once I'm out of the water I find out the bait was one of those stupid cheese balls. I mean, it could've at least been a worm! That only proves what a stupid fish I am.
My face heats up in anger. And I can feel my chest constrict, once I spot my best friend. He's the center of attention right now. I watch from my table, as he throws his head back and lets out a loud laugh. He's surrounded by a horde of girls. It's like this every day. Except today it hurts a hundred times more. It could be because of last night, because I inadvertently confessed my feelings. But I really think it's because every so often, he'll shoot me a smug grin.
He's never done that before. It's almost as if he's purposely rubbing it in my face. Rubbing the fact that I want something I can't have.
The room is starting to get hot, and I can feel my eyes stinging. I don't understand what's going on. For the first time in my life, I look at him and I absolutely don't recognize him. He's never treated me like this.
I'm rising from my seat before I know what I'm doing. The food tray in my hand drops harshly onto the table. I reach for my bag roughly, and push myself away from the table. My blurry eyesight is set on the cafeteria exit. It's my safe zone. I can see the shining beacon of light calling to me to get the hell out of this place. I'm almost there, when I feel a harsh tug pulling me back. I know who it is. I can recognize the large hands as they wrap around my wrist.
"Where're you going, Kairi?" Roxas asks when I turn around. His hand is tightly wrapped around me, and it's completely pointless to struggle. I don't want to cause a scene.
"I just need some air." I mumble out desperately. I know my eyes are teary and I wish he would let me go so he didn't have to see me. "Let go, please."
He relents, releasing my wrist. I quickly fix my bag over my shoulder and storm out of the cafeteria. But not alone, I can hear his stubborn footsteps as he trails after me.
"Wait! Kairi, slow down, where are you going?" He asks the same question. I can feel the tears finally overlap my eyelids and begin to stream down. I hate this. I just want to get out of here as quickly as possible. I don't want to see him. Not when he's acting like this. Like that smug idiot that everyone knows and loves, except for me. His voice sounds innocent and curious when he asks that question and it only pisses me off. Like, seriously, how dare he even act like that! I fucking hate fakes.
The anger in my stomach boils with rage. It's irrational – my thinking, my actions. I know I'm going to explode soon. I'm an emotional mess right now and it's not safe for anyone to be in the same vicinity as me. Especially the cause of my emotional instability.
"Kairi, hello – "
"Shut up!" I snap, whirling around so fast that he almost crashes into me. "I can't believe you would just do that to me!"
"What are you talking about?" He questions, backing up a safe distance. He raises his eyebrow in that patronizing way – it makes me so angry I have this sudden urge to slap him.
"You – you know!"
He knits his eyebrows together, and crosses his arms over his chest. He doesn't respond so I continue. "You're just throwing yourself around at any girl, in front of my face, when you know very well that I – that I have feelings for you." Okay, despite my anger I can still feel the embarrassment underlying that statement. It's the first time I purposely said it to his face – while I knew he was awake. Roxas's expression turns blank. Both of his eyebrows rise so high, they are almost hidden beneath his blonde bangs.
"So it is true." He remarks thoughtfully.
"Of course it's true!" I growl, stomping my foot for good theatricality. Roxas uncrosses his arms, and walks slowly closer to me. He stuffs his hands in his pockets and regards me casually. His lips tilt into a half smile – actually it's more of a smirk.
"Kairi, you have to know," He starts off slowly, his black-like eyes darting across my face. "That I'm not going to stop being me just because you have feelings for me."
The anger immediately washes away. But I don't think I heard correctly.
"W-what?"
Roxas sighs, the smirk that he's wearing falls away. That look that I had seen earlier in Government class reappears across his pale face. And for some inexplicable reason I can feel my chest sink.
"This is who I am and frankly I don't care if you have feelings because it's not going to change who I am."
I don't care if you have feelings… I don't care if you have feelings … I don't care…
"This is different." I hear myself say. I don't know why his words sound so weird to me. What the hell was I expecting? Him to confess his undying, secret love for me as well? This wasn't one of those stupid clichéd, teenage love story.
This was so much worse.
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Poor Kairi? :/
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