Well, I'm not dead that's for sure. Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Things have just been busy and my inspiration was wavering. Good news is, it's back - I'm back full-force. Bad news, this chapter is ridiculously, and disgustingly short. I apologize. Think of it as a prologue to Roxas's POV.
In other news, the author (random third person) is quite depressed because she has to wait 6 weeks until the new Glee episode. Sigh. Quinn :/
Anyway, the point is, enjoy! (apologies for any typos, spelling and/or grammatical errors).
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Who will love you?
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"Love isn't supposed to come with incentives, Roxas. It just is." The blonde whispered, as she curled up on the computer chair. "And it comes out of nowhere, when you least expect it. You can never really make that feeling go way. It'll come and go as it pleases."
"I feel like I'm in for a downfall and I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do!"
"Don't look down."
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I remember it clearly. It was a hot, annoyingly sunny day and my fingers were sticky from that sea salt ice cream I ate. I remember because it was the reason Kairi wouldn't grab my hand. We were seven and I convinced her to follow me up to the higher end of the jungle gym. It was a bad idea. Her parents clearly told her not to go climbing up and yet she followed me. I was so excited that I didn't realize Kairi was struggling to keep up. I didn't notice her fumbling with the bars. And when I did, she wouldn't grab my sticky hand. I remember her terrified scream, I remember the horrible thud that followed after, and I swear I can still feel that wave of utmost panic when I remember that event. The disgusting self-loathing feeling I felt when I watched her parents drive her to the hospital. The helpless feeling when I heard the whimper escape her lips as the doctor stitched up the left side of her forehead. That bubbling relief coursing through my body, when she happily accepted the lollipop from the nurses. And even the ridiculous surge of affection and adoration that threatened to overflow when she offered me a lick.
It was the turning point in the way I viewed my best friend forever. I remember it clearly, because that was the day I fell in love with my best friend.
I never exactly realized what these feelings meant until later on. And then I strived to get her attention all the time. I pushed away my brother in order to keep her to myself. I glared daggers at that stupid pretty boy, Riku, who asked her to the Junior High dance one year. I even tried (unintentionally) sabotaging her relationship with her first boyfriend, Tidus (and I still hate that guy!). I was smitten and I didn't care about any of the repercussions.
It didn't faze me… at first. But after a while, the feelings – the unrequited feelings – became tiring and then it just hurt. Kairi was painfully oblivious. And I was so very desperately in love with her.
I began to hate her. Or at least I wanted to. It was much easier to hate someone. But it was even easier to be uncaring. Because hate really isn't the opposite of love. Not giving a fuck is.
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My legs are stiff, when I finally reach the pathway towards my house. I can still smell her on my clothes, and it sends my stomach into a tight coil. I just want to forget about the night before. Just not think about it. At all. It makes me sick and I'm almost tempted to throw up in my mom's favorite bushes.
I stop once I reach the door hesitating. I dig into my pocket, pulling out my phone. The first thing I notice is the lack of a text message or even a stupid call. It stings. But I quickly ignore the feeling and check the time. It's almost ten. I take a deep breath, and carefully turn the doorknob.
The hallway is empty and the house is quiet. Good, no one's awake yet –
"You're just getting in?" Sora's accusing voice shatters any notion of sneaking up into my room. With disgruntled sigh, I turn to look at him. I chew the inside of my cheek, regarding my brother with a cool expression.
"Yeah, so?" I snap coldly. He studies me – his eyes dipping lower and I suddenly feel very self-conscious. The way his eyes narrow angrily has me convinced that he can practically see Kairi all over me. I swallow thickly, rubbing my neck nervously (but really I'm feeling for any bruised skin).
"Where were you?" His tone is dripping with frustration. It sets me on edge. I really don't need to deal with his shit right now. Not when I feel like I'm going to break down at any moment.
"I wasn't aware I needed to give you a play-by-play."
"Shut up." He sneers. I watch as he walks closer towards me. "I know you were with Kairi."
My gaze turns sour as I glare at him. He's not that much taller than me, if anything his hair gave him a boost in the height department. "You're an idiot."
"I can smell her all over you."
"You sound like a creeper, you realize that?" I scoff, as I push past him and head upstairs.
"Stay away from her, Roxas!"
You think I don't know that already?
Once I get inside, I turn slam the door loudly (completely abandoning the idea of sneaking in) and lock it. The room looks empty, despite all the crap I have lying around. Despite Naminé's doodles that adorn my walls, or the many pictures Kairi demanded I tack around my computer. My gaze then falls on the empty computer chair, sitting innocently by the desk. I frown at the chair, willing Naminé to resume her position on that seat while I vent…. But she's not here.
She hasn't been in that seat for over a week, and yet it feels like years since she's been in this very room scolding me.
My mind instantly drifts to Naminé's last stay.
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It was the day after the party. She had stormed into my room, hair messier than a bird's nest and eyes shining darkly. The smile was already forming on my face at the wretched state she was in. I would have commented but her face twisted painfully, and the smile instantly fell. She pointed a trembling, accusing finger in my direction.
"It's rude to point." I said dryly, trying to calm whatever situation she was in. But she did not waver. Her smoldering glare was unwavering, and I suddenly felt uncomfortable.
"You," She stammered out shakily. "You used me."
A cold chill ran down my spine.
"I was trying to distract you." It wasn't true. I did use her. She was the perfect distraction for myself at the party. The rage I felt at seeing Kairi with my brother unsettled me. I lost it.
"Don't you dare lie to me!" She snarled.
"Why don't you sit down?" I asked patiently. I had it in my head that if I just explained everything she would understand. But for some reason, I think she understood quite clearly and that was what made her so upset. It didn't faze me. She just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
She stared at me incredulously; her eyes flickered to her usual spot – the computer chair. Then, out of nowhere, she kicked the chair over. It knocked into the computer desk, sending the screen tumbling backwards.
"I hate you." She breathed out.
Internally, I felt like I was slapped in the face. But I kept my composure, staring at her with a steady gaze. She was shaking. Her eyes were unusually dark, and her normally well placed walls were crumbling into a mess. She was a mess. And if I wasn't so stupid then, I would've changed everything I said.
"I think you're overreacting a little."
"Shut up! You have no idea what a normal reaction is you fucking, emotionless bastard!" She shrieked, making me flinch. The shock overwhelmed me for a minute. Where did quiet little Naminé learn such horrible language? My mind wandered towards Kairi. An angry burning sensation formed in my chest as I thought of the redhead.
"Calm down-"
"You used me! How the fuck am I supposed to feel?" Naminé interrupted, her foot colliding with the wheels of the chair. "I trusted you. I thought – I thought we were friends-"
"It's not even a big deal. We didn't do anything. You make it seem like I-"
"You don't want anyone to care, do you?" Naminé asked nastily. A wave of frustration and annoyance hit me at the question. "God, no wonder Kairi doesn't even know you love her. You're incapable of loving anyone."
I rose from my seat in an instant. I felt my own body shaking with fury.
"Fuck off."
"Yeah, everything's a big fuck off for you isn't it Roxas? Grow up."
"You don't understand anything, so just shut up!"
"Right. I don't understand a thing, because I wasn't the person you pathetically ranted to for the past five years." She retorted sarcastically. "I know everything about you and Kairi."
I shouldn't have reacted to her statement. It was true, but I couldn't help it. Roxas never just stood there and took everything. Roxas always had to react. I stomped my way towards her, dangerously moving closer. She stood her ground, glaring up at me.
"Why don't you invest yourself in your own love life? Oh wait, you don't have one, do you?" I sneered coldly. Naminé's glare wavered for a second. Her blue eyes narrowed, and in that instant I knew I had her on the tip of my finger. "Why don't you just back off? This isn't one of your little stupid drawings. You can't paint yourself into a picture that you don't even belong in."
The blonde swallowed thickly, backing up uneasily. The smirk formed on my face faster than the change of demeanor in the girl shying away from me. Her eyebrows furrowed anxiously.
"Sora doesn't want you. Kairi doesn't need you. And I – well I don't care about you." My voice was stony. I was lying. Of course, I cared about her. She was the only person that really understood me, through and through. Yet, I could tell she believed every word that was spewing out of my mouth. If the hands held up to her chest defensively weren't an indication, the tears forming in her eyes had to be a dead giveaway.
I knew the moment she ran out of my room sobbing that I irrevocably fucked things up.
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The tight coils in my stomach twist even more painfully as I glare at the empty seat.
I dig for my phone again, my fingers shakily sliding against the touch screen. Once I get to the blonde's number, I hit send and wait. It rings, and rings, and rings and then I hear the voicemail. The phone company's operator tells me to leave a message and I'm tempted to chuck the phone at the wall. I don't want to talk to a fucking operator. I need to talk to my best friend, ex best friend. Whatever she is. The other line beeps, prompting me to leave a message.
"Naminé, pick up your phone, come on." I plead angrily. "I need to talk to you."
I repeat the process three more times, before I get fed up and throw the phone on the empty chair, pretending it was the blonde.
The coiling in my stomach travels until it reaches my lungs. It's so tight, that I don't realize I'm panting for air. My room is spinning in lazily circles that quickly turn into high speed spirals. I stagger towards my bed, falling short of the mattress and land on my knees against the floor. My hands desperately clutch the sheets, grasping for something. I don't know what it is.
I don't know what I want. I don't even know if its Naminé I want to talk to or…
My nose brushes against my shirt sleeve and…fuck… Kairi's there. She's everywhere. Even in this ridiculous world that's going through never-ending revolutions, she's there clear as a bell.
I move away from the material, and claw my way up the bed, burying my face in the linens. Anywhere but the scent, that just seems to radiate off of me. I just want to get away.
Deep down, I don't think I ever can. Her broken expression haunts me, like a ghost wailing in pain. I want the image out of my head. But I know I can't let go of it. I can't let go, because what happened before – it was amazing. My fingertips tingle at the memory of touching her soft skin. The gentle sweep of her luscious cherry hair. The muffled breaths in my ear. My mouth burns as I remember her soft lips. She gave herself to me, fully. The memory makes me so happy and so sick at the same time I could die. It's been permanently engraved into my mind.
The thought gives little satisfaction to the fact that I want nothing to do with her anymore. Or rather, she wants nothing to do with me after this. And that's good. That's the way it should be. Naminé was right. I am incapable of loving anyone. I'm undeserving. And Kairi? She so deserving it hurts. I love her and that's why I have to let her go.
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I don't go to school Monday morning. I don't think I can sit there in class, with the knowledge of my previous actions. Instead, I decide to ditch school and hang out with that girl from my Government class. I don't even remember her name and she's already leading me upstairs in her empty house.
It feels so wrong, walking up another girl's stairs. Not the familiar annoyingly creaky stairs in Kairi's house. I wince, ignoring that thought, following the brunette. Her green eyes flash mischievously as she tugs me into her room.
Her lips fall on mine the moment I enter. It's a searing kiss, filled with adulterated lust. I move my lips against hers, but then, suddenly, I picture Kairi. She's rolling her eyes in that typical you're-an-idiot way. I pull away immediately. My breathing coming out hard. That girl thinks it's from her kiss, because she gives me a sultry smile. But really, it's because I'm freaking out.
I can't do this. I don't think I can. It's like, how can you even bother eating dinner, when you've already had a taste of desert? Despite how sexy the kiss is, and how hot it's making me feel, it just feels short of something…better.
I shake my head, clearing my thoughts. I can't afford to think like this, or feel like this. Like my heart is cracking because I wish it were red hair, rather than brown.
The girl stares at me expectantly. I realize I probably look stupid, spacing out like that. I suck in a deep breath, pulling out my best smirk, promptly turning the off switch on the stupid emotions department.
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The phone stares at me ominously, the next morning. I'm tempted to pick it up. I'm tempted to call Kairi, even just text her… but I resist.
Leave her alone, already.
Kairi is not in Government. I didn't expect her to come to school anyway. But it still hurts. I know I've hurt her and believe me, it kills me. But I know she'll get over it. She's Kairi. She's strong.
By lunch, I'm entirely convinced that she didn't show up to school at all. And I'm… slightly relieved, and admittedly disappointed. I know I don't deserve to feel that way, but I don't think it's possible for me to ever shoo away those butterflies that come up whenever I see her.
I resume my seat around the crowd of girls that already are waiting by the table. I see the rest of my friends shoot me a withering glare. I assume Kairi's been talking by now. I couldn't expect any less. One of the girls takes her place on my lap, but I'm only half-aware of it. I'm only half aware of everything. Of the girls flirting, of my brother's sad pout, of the hate radiating from my friends' table.
And then I feel this sudden urge to glance at the cafeteria door. When I do, the doors burst open. I have to do a double take before I realize who it is. Kairi Lockhart herself walks in, looking like the biggest unrecognizable mess that ever walked foot in this school.
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"Don't look down. Just keep your eyes on her."
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Told you it was disgustingly short. Anyway, reviews are lovely and serves to make the author infinitely pleased (sparkles and warm fuzzy feelings).