Tegan Chronicles

Intuition and Lies 18

In the three days since regaining consciousness, Tegan hadn't spoken again. She just sat there staring off into nothingness whenever anyone came in to visit her.

"You need to eat." Janet looked at the untouched tray that was sitting in front of her.

Tegan pointed to the port running into her chest and delivering total parental nutrition and lipids into her vena cava.

"I slowed your TPN to half your caloric needs and I'm planning on removing it before we transfer you."

They were moving her out to the infirmary so Janet could keep an eye on her and get back to a semi regular routine. Janet was at least happy to be able to report to Greg that from their interaction that Tegan's higher brain functions were still intact.

Greg walked over to Tegan's bedside, "How are you feeling?"

She stared straight ahead without blinking.

"I really need you to talk to me. I need to know that you're alright and that you are going to be ok. I have patients and surgeries waiting for me."

Tegan continued to stare ahead.

"Well," He picked up her chart and flipped trough it. "Your nuero checks are back to normal." He cocked his eyebrow briefly. "I guess as normal as they can be considering you won't talk to anyone."

He sighed she still wasn't responding to him. "I don't think there's anything else that I can do for you."

He waited for a second giving her a chance to respond. "I'm going to sign off and leave you in Dr. Fraiser's capable hands. I've got my life to get back to."

She waited until he was in the doorway. "I never tried to stop you."

He turned and looked longingly at her, all she had to do was say the word, give him a sign she wanted him to stay, and instead she'd broken his heart with that one statement. He knew she'd never held him back, never gave him a reason to think she loved him more than she would a brother. It was a one sided love affair. It always had been. And now, as he turned to leave he knew it would be the last time he saw her.

"Hey." Janet came in a few minutes after Greg left and as soon as Tegan heard her voice she reached for the PCA pump to deliver another dose of Demerol. "I'm starting to get a complex, every time I come in you go for the pain medication."

Tegan clenched her jaw and looked away, she didn't want to deal with anyone. She wasn't in the mood for pleasantries. She woke up from what she'd hoped was just a horrid string of nightmares only to find out one of them had been real. Although the one about her grandmother hadn't been a nightmare, and she wasn't entirely sure it was a dream, she held on to it as if it were tangible. She'd woken up without an arm. Her entire career, her life, everything was bound to be different. She didn't want to think about it, and here was Janet making jokes. She reasoned they weren't really jokes, but it was easier to be mad and shut down than it was to be strong. She felt like such a coward. But the loss hurt almost as much as the memory, though nothing came close to the actual moment, except maybe the phantom pains she was continuing to have. It was like she was reliving the pain of that moment over and over and over again.

"Dr. Raynes is catching the next flight out." Janet looked for a reaction, anything. Tegan's face remained expressionless. "He says you spoke about 6 words to him."

Tegan closed her eyes, she wanted the pain to go away. The medication only helped to dull it, and it did nothing for the emotional hurt. She felt so much loss she couldn't even think about all the consequences it would have. Her current sex life would be changed forever. No more massaging her lover, right now she didn't even want to look at her. She didn't want to think about what Janet had gone through in the last weeks seeing her come back to earth with her arm all melted and burned, waiting for her to regain consciousness, then finding an acid filled sac in her brain and knowing all too well she may not survive the surgery she had to have to save her life. She should be more cooperative, she should at least acknowledge Janet and her team, but she couldn't. It wasn't that she didn't want to, she did, she wanted to scream and cry and tell someone how horrible it was, but she couldn't. She didn't have the will or the energy. She was yellow bellied, and that made it all that much worse.

"Cassie wants to come see you again."

Cassie, Tegan should at least try, but she couldn't even pull herself together for the teen. It was just too much.

"I'm going to let you rest, give the Demerol some time to kick in, and then we'll move you into the infirmary."

Jack saw Janet walk out of Tegan's room, her shoulders immediately slumped and she hung her head. She was broken, almost as broken as the woman she was caring for. It was like she shared her pain, and in some way Jack imagined she did. "Hey Doc, how's Kiser?"

"The same, though Dr. Raynes has signed off on her care. He did say she said six words to him."

"Did he say what she said?"

"Something personal." She thought back on it for a second. "Something he didn't seem too happy about."

Jack nodded. "How are you holding up?"

Janet straightened her shoulders and ran a hand through her hair. "I just wish she'd talk to me."

"Yeah," He sighed, they all did.

Sam walked into Janet's office with Cassie. "Janet?"

"Sorry, I didn't hear you come in." She lifted her eyes to Sam and then looked over at Cassie. "Hi honey."

Cassie smiled. "Can I see Tegan?"

"Yeah but she..."

"Sam already told me."

"She's in the infirmary, last bed. Just don't get in Dr. Scully's or the nurses' way."

"I won't." Cassie assured before walking out of the office.

"Tegan?" Cassie rounded the curtain that was only partially pulled around Tegan's bed.

Tegan looked straight ahead, like a shell shocked soldier.

"You look better than last time I saw you." Cassie moved so she was standing in front of Tegan. She just stared right through her as if she wasn't there. "I know you're in there, and I understand if you don't want to talk."

When she didn't respond Cassie sat in the empty chair by the bed and took Tegan's hand in hers. She sat there until her mom told her it was time to go. As she stood up she felt Tegan squeeze her hand. She smiled lightly, she'd known she was in there all along. "I'll see you again soon."

"Did she talk to you?" Janet asked when they reached the hallway, already knowing she hadn't.

"No, but she didn't need to. She'll talk when she's ready."

Janet nodded.

"Hey." Jack pulled up a chair and sat down. "Guess you're not talking."

He watched her carefully for a minute, waiting to see if she was going to interact. "Good, then you can just listen to what I have to say. If you're not talking because you're feeling sorry for yourself, fine. Go ahead and sulk a little while longer, but then get over it. Major Carter worked too hard on that arm." He pointed to the prosthesis on the bedside table. "For you not to give a shit about getting better. And poor Danny boy, he thinks you absolutely hate him, blames himself for everything that happened. He won't accept the fact that you're not talking to anyone, and not specifically punishing him. And Janet, she doesn't deserve the silent treatment either. If you want to be pissed at someone, you be pissed at me. I gave the order to go in that building. I screwed up. I didn't trust your gut instinct. It shouldn't have happened, if I could go back I'd do it all differently. Hell, I'd make that bitch take my arm."

He thought he saw a reaction to his last statement but couldn't be sure. "Doc also says you haven't been eating and now that you don't have all those nutrients running into your body you need to. So I'm giving you a direct order to eat."

"Colonel," Janet drew his attention. "I need to work with getting her prosthesis on."

"Ah!" He looked at Tegan. "That's my cue to leave." He stood and clasped her right shoulder. "You're going to get through this. You're a fighter and I know you won't give up."