Not an update. Just a re-post to correct typos. Sorry if I disappointed.
Disclaimer: This also applies to chapter one. "Fallible" is mine. The Twilight Saga is not, and there is no copyright infringement intended. I'm only borrowing these characters, not adopting them.
05 – BECOMING INCREASINGLY LONELY - 05
"So I was thinking…" Aunt Sue says, hesitantly.
I already know what she's going to say, so I steel myself and wait for it.
"What if the three of us did something fun today? We could - oh, I don't know - get our nails done, or go see a movie…"
I don't even bother glancing at Leah, but I hear her snorting in my direction. "Yeah, right," Leah retorts. "As if I would want to go anywhere with her."
"I have to work anyway, Aunt Sue," I say, breezily, as if it's nothing… as if her words don't affect me at all. "But thanks for the suggestion."
"But thanks for the suggestion," Leah mimics, as if she's five. Honestly. I fight the urge to roll my eyes.
Aunt Sue gives a loud, exasperated sigh. "Leah - " she starts to say, in an admonishing tone, but I am not in the mood to deal with Leah this morning. Or any morning.
"I'm off to work," I interrupt, flashing the two of them a tight smile, knowing that I'm being unnecessarily rude, and for once, not caring.
I grab the keys off the kitchen counter - an extra house key and an extra store key - that either Aunt Sue or Uncle Harry had made for me, and I leave before either of them can say another word.
I get to the store in record time, having walked faster than usual to burn off some steam. Leah's attitude is getting to me much more than I'm letting on. Unfortunately, the whole 'don't let it show, and she'll leave you alone' theory doesn't really apply to her. She's always been the type to keep picking until she gets a reaction, or until the person she's fighting with gives in, whichever comes first. And even then, there's no guarantee she'll let up.
It's not like she's never been mad at me before, but either I'm guilty of what she accused me of, or I just give in, in order to keep the peace. In this situation, however, I've literally done nothing. At all. I've even deterred Sam from acting amorously towards me.
Fortunately, I'm on the schedule to open the store by myself this morning, so no one is forced to be witness to my bad mood. It gives me time to calm down, and by the time I interact with my fifth or sixth customer, I feel much better.
A few hours later, my stomach growls piteously, and Uncle Harry strolls through the door right on time.
He smiles. "You're free, and Sue is waiting outside if you need a ride home."
"Thank you so much," I say, gratefully. I head upstairs, grab my - no, Leah's, previously Sam's - hoodie that I still haven't given back, and then pass Uncle Harry again on the way towards the door.
"Emily," Uncle Harry says. "I know Sue is waiting, but… how are you? Are you alright?"
I know immediately that he's referring to Leah and me, and possibly Sam and me as well, but I don't know what to say.
"Sam is wonderful…" I trail off, knowing he can hear the unspoken 'but' in my sentence. We've already had this conversation, and once again, I wonder why he's pushing this so hard. I will never say it out loud, but it almost seems like he cares more for Sam's happiness than Leah's. And there's something very wrong with that.
"Seems like you guys are getting along pretty okay…" He watches me carefully for my response.
If I were to tell the whole truth, pretty okay is an understatement. I recall the way Sam watched me suck the pizza sauce off my fingers when we worked together, and my face heats up. I shrug, unable to keep eye contact with Uncle Harry.
"I suppose," I murmur.
He sighs. "Emily - " he starts, but I interrupt him.
"I don't understand any of this, Uncle Harry," I say, looking him in the eyes again. My heart starts fluttering with nerves. "But I'm not stupid. I know there's more to it than you wanting to see Sam and I together. It doesn't make any sense. I know there's something going on, and I… I think you know what it is, and I don't think it's fair if I'm kept in the dark… if Leah is kept in the dark."
He gives me a contemplative look for a moment, before he replies. Then he says, in a very grave tone of voice, "Emily… let me ask you something. And I want you to think about it before you answer."
I nod, and he continues.
"Do you really think Leah would have been happy with Sam, in the long run? Do you honestly believe they fit together the way a couple is supposed to?" he asks, his gaze intent.
The seriousness in his voice surprises me, and I narrow my eyes as I consider my response. I finally say, "I know they're very different, but it's not up to us to decide if they're going to work out or not. No one can predict the future in that way."
"Isn't it enough for Sam to decide Leah is not who he wants?" he asks.
I give a tiny huff of breath, growing increasingly frustrated by the second. "But that's the thing! I don't think he decided that at all. It's one thing for him to have had commitment issues, or something, but he said he broke up with her for me. For me, Uncle Harry! He doesn't even know me. Don't you think that's… well, impulsive, and wrong, and - "
"Emily, I can promise you that Sam is the least impulsive person I have ever met in my life. He thinks entirely too much, and ends up missing opportunities because of it. He's also stubborn to a fault, which I'm sure is one of the only things that he and Leah ever had in common."
I cross my arms. "Those aren't exactly striking qualities," I mutter.
Uncle Harry laughs. "You worry too much. I can assure you that Leah will be fine. And Emily, I would never think any less of you."
For reasons I don't understand, I suddenly feel my eyes welling up with tears. I didn't ask for this. Any of this. I didn't ask to be caught in the middle of their drama, or for Leah's fiancée to form a strange attachment to me. All I wanted - all I want, still - is a nice getaway before I have to return to reality at the end of the summer and decide what I want to do with my life now that I'm out of high school.
But nothing makes sense anymore. And as I walk away to meet Aunt Sue outside, I realize belatedly that Uncle Harry gave me none of the answers I wanted -
- wanted to go back to the house, but I change my mind. I don't want to deal with any more of Leah than I have to, so I thank Aunt Sue for waiting, but I tell her I want to be alone.
I start walking aimlessly, letting myself cry, too emotionally exhausted to raise my hands and wipe my tears away. Instead I just let it all go, releasing all the emotions I'm feeling in the most passive way I know how. It's not as much of a surprise as it should be when I finish, stop walking, and look up to see Sam's house looming in front of me.
Before I can think about it, I propel my legs forward and ring the doorbell. I have no idea what I will say to him, or why I'm even here, or what my excuse is for coming over, and right when I'm about to turn around, the door opens.
"Emily," he says as surprise, confusion, concern, and delight flit across his face in rapid succession.
"Hi," I say, lamely. "I… I don't know what I'm doing here." My face heats up, as I realize what I've said. Immediately, I wish I could take it back as it seems to suggest that something beyond my control led me to him. Something like fate. Or destiny.
He regards me solemnly, and nods. "Hm, I used to have that problem. And strangely, it never involved alcohol."
I blink for all of a second before I burst out laughing. I'm rewarded with his hint of a smile, and he rubs the back of his neck in what I recognize as a somewhat embarrassed gesture.
"Since you're here, you want to come in?" he says, softly, and my breath catches.
"Oh, I… I don't mean to burst in on you," I say, awkwardly.
"No, it's fine. I don't mind. You can burst on me anytime," he says, speaking quickly. Our faces both flush red as we realize what he's said. "Burst in on me, I mean," he corrects, quietly.
"Okay," I practically whisper, unable to look at him now. I walk past him into his house, noting the feeling of familiarity that washes over me. It's not an unwelcome feeling.
Desperate for something to say that will dissolve the weirdness that has descended upon us, I open my mouth intending to say something about how I'm not going to stay long, but before I can get a word out he starts speaking.
"Do you want anything to eat, drink?" he asks.
I hesitate and he notices.
"Come on. I might have some leftover… something. Maybe," he says, and I follow him into the kitchen. "Or not." He peers into the refrigerator. I fight the insane urge to giggle.
I really don't know what I'm doing here.
"Do you want to… go out somewhere?" he asks, as he turns to me. He starts to tap his fingers on the counter rhythmically, but when he sees me watching, he stops abruptly and balls his hand into a fist instead. He puts his fist into his hoodie pocket.
"No, that's okay," I say, with a smile. To be honest, I'm not up for much of anything, besides relaxing.
Instead of looking relieved that we don't have to budge, however, he looks concerned. "You shouldn't… you should eat something. I could order more pizza."
I laugh. "I don't know about you, but I'm kind of pizza'd out," I say, leaning on the opposite counter.
"Then let me take you somewhere," he says again.
I shake my head. "It's okay. I just… I guess I just came to say hi. I wasn't planning on staying…"
At this, I see more than just a flash of disappointment in his eyes. "Oh. Are you sure you don't want…? I mean, I understand if you think it's too soon to be seen with me - "
"Oh, no, that's not what I mean," I say. "I'm just not in the mood to go anywhere, or to… do anything at all, really." I sigh.
Something unreadable passes through his eyes at that. He watches me for an uncomfortable second, and then he says, "You've been crying." It isn't a question.
I immediately bring my hands up to wipe the tear-streaks off my face, and I shrug. There's no use in denying it when it's so obvious, so I just don't say anything. Tired of standing, I sink down onto the couch.
"You want to talk about it?" he asks, after a minute.
I shake my head, and look up at him. He's still standing. "Is it rude if I say no?" I ask, peering at him from under my lashes.
He gives me that tiny smile and my body reacts as usual. It's becoming impossible to ignore, now.
"Not rude. Honest," he replies. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. That includes eating." I grin as he lowers himself into the armchair.
He keeps his eyes on me, and I give myself credit for not fidgeting. "So, Emily Clearwater - "
"It's Young, actually," I interrupt.
"Right. Emily Young," he continues. "Do you like movies, Emily Young?"
My stomach does a weird dive as he says my name, and I nod, as my voice mysteriously goes missing. I feel the panic light flickering inside me. Is he about to ask me to see a movie? Would that be considered a date? Is he asking me on a date?
Oh lord, stop it. Even if it's in my head, I really need to stop over-analyzing.
"Would you like to watch a movie, Emily Young?" he says, amusement evident in his tone... And his eyes. I'm getting much better at reading him. I don't know whether to congratulate myself for that, or to chastise myself again.
I decide it's not a crime to read a friend's emotions, and I feel silly. Then, I blush as I realize he's waiting for an answer and I'm just sitting here staring.
"Oh! Um, sure," I say, without an ounce of eloquence.
His expression visibly brightens, and those betraying butterflies flutter within me again.
"My DVD's are in the entertainment stand next to the TV. Pick anything. I need to use the bathroom, then I'll order Chinese food. You need to eat something if you're going to stay," he says, in an I-Dare-You-To-Challenge-Me voice, as if I'm going to argue.
I smile, instead. "Okay."
He heads to the bathroom while I haul myself off the couch, and kneel down in front of the entertainment center.
To my surprise, I find that Sam's DVDs are perfectly lined up. At first, I thought it was his mother who was the neat one, but now I figure he must have something of a neat streak himself.
It only takes me a second to realize they are actually arranged according to genre, and this fact makes me happier than it should. I sift through the movies, one-by-one, unsure of what I'm actually in the mood for, and halfway through the horror section, a DVD is stuck.
I tug it a little harder, but it doesn't budge, so I pull out the other movies around, and try to reach my hand around in an attempt to loosen the first DVD. My hand comes into contact with a box.
Without thinking, I grip the box firmly and yank it loose, resulting in an entire row of DVDs to come flying out of the cabinet.
I bite my lip and look around, but Sam is nowhere to be seen. Quickly, I reach into the box and grab the first DVD I touch.
Silver Bullet. It's an old werewolf movie. The next one is Dracula, and then An American Werewolf in London, followed by Interview With a Vampire, Queen of the Damned, and Underworld.
I'm sensing a theme here. As I continue to look through the box, my suspicions are confirmed. Every single one of these are about vampires, werewolves, or both, and there are easily fifty movies in the box. Surprisingly, some of them haven't even been opened.
"What are you doing?" His voice is quiet, but the suddenness of it startles me nonetheless.
"Sorry, I know I'm making a huge mess. I'll clean it up, though," I say, sheepishly, as I turn to face him.
He has a strange expression on his face that I can't decipher. He looks almost… worried? Immediately, I feel guilty, as if I've been caught doing something I shouldn't.
"Are you okay?" I ask.
He clears his throat, and avoids answering my question. "Find anything good?" he asks, instead. And I watch as his eyes dart from mine to the box next to me, and back to mine.
"Um, I was thinking Casper. If that's alright," I say. If I can find it under this pile.
A ghost of a smile flashes across his face, and it disappears as quickly as it comes. "I'm about to order the food. Anything in particular you want?"
"No," I say. "Just order what you usually do. I'm not a picky eater, and I haven't tasted any type of Chinese food I didn't like."
"Famous last words," he says in a teasing tone that sends a shiver down my spine and completely contradicts his face expression. Once again, his eyes travel from me to the vampire/werewolf box, and he seems to hesitate before he goes off to use the phone.
Curioser and curious -
- curiosity always seems to get the best of me.
We're eating now, twenty minutes into Casper, and the atmosphere is very tense. I can feel him watching me, but whenever I slide my eyes over to the right where he's sitting, he's staring at the TV screen.
Uncomfortable, I laugh softly. "This isn't going to work, is it?"
His head swivels quickly in my direction. "What? What's not working?" He looks almost panicked, but I choose to ignore this.
I shake my head. "I don't know about you, but I have no idea what's going on in this movie. And that's pretty sad considering I've seen it over twenty times, easily…"
He stares at me for a second before he laughs. Truly laughs. I stare at him, unable to speak as his face relaxes completely and he just lets go. He's so beautiful… My heartbeat accelerates, and all of my avoidance of this issue just goes straight out of the window.
I am ridiculously attracted to Sam Uley, and to say otherwise would be a complete and utter lie.
Still smiling a tiny bit, with eyes intent on mine, he speaks. "Yeah, I know exactly what you mean… So what do you want to do instead?"
The sexual connotations of that question are not lost on me, and to my horror, I feel myself blushing fiercely.
"I… um, I-I dunno," I stammer, attempting to look away from him.
He chooses that moment to stretch himself out next to me, panther-like. I give up on trying to look away.
"There was actually… something I wanted to ask you," he says, hesitantly, his voice falling back into its natural gruffness.
"Yes?" I say, jumping at the chance for normal conversation.
"Are you planning on leaving at the end of the summer?" he asks, and just like that the tension between us returns.
"Yes," I say, on an exhale, and for a split second, he looks absolutely crushed. Something inside of me twists painfully.
"I don't… really want to, though, to tell you the truth," I say, slowly.
"Really?" he says, quickly.
I smile. "My parents fully expect me to do the college thing, but I haven't even applied to go anywhere. I lied and told them I was applying, so they weren't too happy when they found out I didn't, but by then it was too late to do anything about it.
"I'm not sure… if college is the thing for me. High school was… not my forte. I mean, I got really good grades, but the entire four years… were endless. I was ready to leave long before graduation.
"And I didn't really have any close friends. I had people I talked to everyday, but I knew that I wouldn't stay in Seattle once I graduated if I could help it. I guess I didn't want to be tied down by anyone, or any place."
"What do you want to do… if you don't want to go to college?" he asks, looking genuinely interested.
"For a long time, I considered becoming a veterinarian. I really love animals. But to tell you the truth, I don't think I could deal with the pain and the suffering everyday. So, I started to lean more towards running a pet shop, or something like that… are you alright?" I cut myself off, because he's staring at me with wide eyes, as if I've just told him a huge life-altering secret.
Somewhat embarrassed, I wonder if there's a sesame noodle on my face anywhere.
"Fine," he says, looking away from me. I wonder if he's embarrassed, though I can't imagine why he would be. "I just… I think that would be perfect for you."
Unable to help it, I blush again. "Thank you. I don't see it happening, though. It costs money to run a business, not to mention starting one. And speaking of businesses, I really love working with Uncle Harry in the store. He says all the time that since Leah and Seth show no interest, he might leave it to me to run it one day. This probably sounds crazy, but it would be a dream come true… Not to mention, it would give me a reason to stay."
He smiles again. For a rarity, it seems to be happening more and more frequently. And I can't say I mind in the slightest.
"Would it bother you? Being so far from your mom and dad?" he asks, thoughtfully, as his smile disappears.
"Well, I would miss them, of course. But it's like I was telling Aunt Sue, I always feel like I'm home here. And when I'm there, like I'm on vacation. Plus, Seattle's not super far. You know, I actually tried a million times to get them to let me move here and go to school on the rez, but they wouldn't let me. They kept talking about memories and how I should stay with one group of friends throughout the most influential four years of my life… but as I mentioned, I didn't really have any close friends, so I don't know who they thought they were kidding."
"I don't blame them," he says, really quietly. "If you lived with me, I wouldn't want you to go, either."
We stare at each other in silence, my heart pounding, before I force myself to look away. I don't know why I bother. I feel like he's a refrigerator, and I'm a small alphabet letter magnet 'E' without a chance.
"They got really clingy once my older brother, Matt, moved out," I say, shrugging off my thoughts. "The house was super quiet, then. When Matt lived with us, he always had friends over, so you can imagine how it was. When he left, he took all of the noise with him, and that's when I really started to get lonely, I suppose. I guess they noticed. It's another reason I like coming down here to stay with my cousins. In some ways, the quiet is peaceful… but mostly, it's just quiet."
"You should move here," he suddenly says. "In with me."
I swear my jaw drops open. I cannot begin to imagine how I must look in that moment. All I can think is, Wait, what? And I blink, unable to form words. Is he serious? He wants me to move in with him?
Much of what I'm feeling must show on my face, because he starts talking again, his face slowly turning red.
"I just meant, It's too quiet here, a lot, and… there's an extra room, from when my mom, you know… You wouldn't have to pay rent or anything. You could just work in Harry's store year-round. Maybe save up money for a car, and you'd have all the time in the world to decide what you want to do… you could even take some business classes at Peninsula College in Forks - I mean, it's kind of expensive, but I could definitely help out with tuition. Your parents might, too, if they found out you were going to school after all."
"I… I don't know what to say," I end up saying, unsure if I am actually speaking out loud. "It's… an idea."
"It's possible," he replies, a small smile on his face. "I think you should do it. It would give you exactly what you want."
I fight the urge to roll my eyes. "Not to mention, it would give you exactly what you want," I say, and then immediately clasp my hand over my mouth, mortified. I cannot believe I just said that out loud.
For a second, he looks as surprised as I feel, then he laughs. Again. My stomach tightens.
"Well, yeah," he says, shrugging. At that, I laugh.
"I really think you should do it, though," he says, after we've calmed down. "Or at least, think about it."
I smile. "It is a workable situation. I'll think about it." Neither of us mention the dark horse in the room named Leah.
I pull my feet up on the couch, long having finished eating my Chinese food, and enjoy a nice, long yawn.
"So… I told you my deep dark secret… of which I know you have several… I think you should tell me at least one. It doesn't even have to be that deep… or dark," I say, peeking at him from over my arms, which are resting on top of my knees.
To my surprise, he's still smiling as well. My body reacts, again, as heat fills up my belly. This is getting silly now. I will my thoughts and my body to behave.
"Okay, so… when I was younger, I thought vampires were infinitely cooler than uh… werewolves."
I raise my eyebrows. "That's your deep, dark secret?"
Sam shakes his head. "You don't understand. It goes against everything the Quileute's stand for. It's like… I was rebelling against my people."
I smile. "I'm sure no one thought it was that serious."
"No, it really is. That's why it's a secret." His face really does look super serious, too. "You know the legends, right?"
I nod. "Of course I do."
"And you know that most legends have a basis in fact?" he continues. I wonder what the point of this is.
"I suppose, yes," I agree.
He sits back from where he had been on the edge of the couch, and regards me warily. "Do you believe any of it?"
I smile again, though I'm feeling a little uncertain. "No. Am I supposed to?"
He stares at me a little longer before he answers. "No. Not anytime soon, anyways."
I narrow my eyes. "That's very cryptic, you know."
Sam just smiles for the millionth time, and runs his fingers through his short hair. "Want to finish the movie?" he asks.
This time I do roll my eyes, and I inwardly marvel at how easy it is to be around him sometimes… how comfortable I feel right now. "Why not?" I reply.
It's much easier to concentrate on the movie this time around, though I'm acutely aware of his presence next to me. This is a tension of a different sort.
After Casper is over, he insists on walking me back to the Clearwater's, and I admit, I don't put up much of a fight… until he takes his shirt off before we go outside.
"What are you doing?" I say, stunned.
He just shrugs. "Does it bother you?"
I feel the heat envelop my face, but I don't let it silence me this time. "You're going to get sick," I protest. "It's freezing out. And probably drizzling rain."
"I don't get cold anymore," he replies, and I shake my head.
True to his word, he doesn't so much as shiver. I know this because, unable to help myself, I am paying particularly close attention. So much attention, in fact, that I don't notice we've arrived until he says, "We're here."
I stop walking, turn to him, and suddenly this feels like the end of a date.
"I'm sorry for just barging in on you without calling, or… anything. I know that was probably rude. I'm surprised you invited me in at all," I say, sheepishly, looking up at him.
He gives me a deep, searching look, then reaches his hand up ever so slowly to touch my cheek. With a single finger. Something shatters wonderfully within me, and it's all I can do to stay standing.
"Emily," he says, almost hoarsely. He drops his hand. I force myself to breathe, and normally. "I will always invite you in."
We stare at each other much longer than is necessary, until I take a deep breath, and finally say, "Maybe… we can do it again, sometime? Hang out as friends?"
There is it. I've muttered the 'F' word. Friends.
I see the process happening. He backs away, slightly, seems to come out of his stupor, and looks slightly uncertain. I feel a pang of absence, as if I've lost something very important, but I ignore it. I know what it is. I've made progress tonight - in a not so friendly way; I know we flirted, more than once - and by saying the 'F' word, I've erased that progress.
"Yeah, sure… friends," he mutters.
"Goodnight, Sam," I say, softly. I turn to go, but without warning, he grabs my arm, and turns me gently back towards him.
I give him a questioning look.
"Emily… friends can hug each other, right?" He asks, though he looks as if it hurts him to ask.
I hesitate.
What am I doing?
I nod.
Slowly, he approaches me, and for a dizzying, light-headed second, I swear we are about to kiss, rather than hug. He slides his arms around my shoulders, and pulls my body against his, tightly.
That's when I lose it, completely. He is so completely warm that rational thought leaves my brain. I wrap my arms around his torso, and hold him nearly as tightly as he is holding me. My thoughts explode in a million directions, one pointedly going south.
For one wild, insanity-filled moment, I wish that we are back in his house, preferably with no clothing, so that I might be able to feel his bare skin against mine. My arousal hits me like a freight train, and I gasp, shoving violently against his body in an attempt to get away.
He lets me go without a fight. His eyes are hooded, but he doesn't say a word. He stares at me a moment longer.
To my dismay, I see a light go on in the kitchen window behind him.
He gives an odd shiver, though I know without a doubt that it's not from the cold. My mind travels in the direction of his body heat before I can stop it, and sometime in the middle of my imaginings, he turns and jogs off without a word -
- word from him for five days, now. He hasn't been taking any shifts at work, either. I don't want to believe this is all about me, but it's difficult not to when I know Uncle Harry's been in touch with him while I haven't. I know he has because he keeps assuring me that Sam is fine, and that he just has important responsibilities to attend to. He might have responsibilities, but I doubt he's fine. Because whatever is going on causes Uncle Harry to lose sleep at night.
I'm working around the clock, but it's not the distraction it should be. Whenever I get the slightest break, I find myself staring at the door, willing him to come in. It's all I can do not to give in and ask Uncle Harry straight out where he is. I don't want to appear too interested, but I know my anxious actions are probably giving me away, anyhow.
I sigh and lock up the store for the evening. I head towards Aunt Sue's car where she's waiting, climb in, give a greeting with a cheerfulness I don't feel, and close my eyes.
"How are you, Emily?" Aunt Sue asks, as she starts to drive.
I open my eyes. "Fine," I reply automatically.
"Not too tired? I know Harry has you working like a maniac. I keep saying he should hire someone else to help out - "
"No, it's okay. I really am fine. I'm a little tired, but I don't mind," I interrupt. "Anyway, Sam should be back soon… right?"
She gives me an odd look. "Has he gone somewhere? I thought Harry told me he was sick."
Sick? I thought he had 'responsibilities to attend to'. Hmm.
I nod. "Right, I meant he should be back at the store soon," I say, smoothly, unsure of why I am lying.
Something's not right here.
We reach the house, and luckily, everyone decides to go to sleep early. I take a quick shower, and settle onto the couch. The sooner I can get to sleep, the sooner I can wake up tomorrow and find out what exactly is going on.
I dream a lot that night, but when I wake up, I don't remember anything.
Leah is sitting at the foot of the couch, on my feet, flipping through channels when I open my eyes. Seth is hissing at her to get off the couch and leave me alone so I can sleep.
"It's okay," I say, sleepily, startling both of them. "I'm awake." I yawn, stretch, and snatch my feet out from under Leah. She glares at me, and I ignore her.
I get up. The kitchen clock says it's eleven-something. I have a few hours until my shift, so I decide to put my plan into action. I get dressed, eat cereal, search for and locate a can of chicken noodle soup, smuggle it into one of my freshly washed hoodies, and head out the front door.
I make it to Sam's house in record time. The house shows no signs of life, whatsoever, but I don't let it deter me. He's either here, or he's not.
Heart pounding, I knock resolutely on the front door. No answer. I wait about thirty seconds and knock again. Still nothing.
I sigh. I began to turn away when I hear a muffled thump sound from inside.
"Hello?" I say loudly, but instead of knocking again, I do something a little more daring and try the door handle. To my surprise, Sam's door is unlocked and it opens easily.
I don't allow myself to think about the next step, I just push the door open and walk in. I am nowhere near prepared for the sight I see upon entering, and I gasp loudly.
Sam is indeed home, and the first thing I notice is that he's completely nude. Laying on his couch, everything just there for the world to see.
The second thing I notice is that he's not alone. There's another boy, also nude. Face down on the floor. Something about him increasingly familiar.
My gasp wakes Sam, and the next few moments seem to happen in slow motion. He stirs, I take a step backwards, and his eyes focus on me, drawn to my movement.
For a moment, we are both frozen. Then, he gives me the widest, most beautiful, unguarded smile I have ever seen in my life. It is as if he's still dreaming. And not surprised to see me.
My eyes widen, and my heart begins to beat triple time. Then he seems to fully awaken, and realize the absurdity of the situation.
"Emily!" he gasps, jumping up. Unfortunately, this only draws focus to a certain area of his anatomy.
I feel myself flush red, and I stumble backwards, turn and practically propel myself through his front door.
I don't stop moving until I reach First Beach. Surprisingly, he doesn't follow me. I can't pretend I'm not disappointed by this.
I kick a rock along in front of me as I walk along the shoreline, arms crossed and deep in thought.
Who was that guy? And more importantly, why were they both naked? A heavy feeling descends into my stomach.
Is Sam gay?
Is that the real reason he broke up with Leah? Is he using me as a sort of cover-up? Who was that guy?
Does Uncle Harry know? Why else would he be covering for him?
I have so many questions and none of the plausible answers make any sort of real sense.
I spend so much time inside of my mind that I'm almost late to the store for my shift. But again, instead of work serving as a distraction, I'm still deep in thought about the mystery of Sam. I make so many mistakes that I consider closing the store early. I would if I could get away with it. Once again, I wish there was at least one other person working here besides me, Sam, and Uncle Harry himself.
I lock up the store for the night and meet Aunt Sue outside. She, like me, appears to be lost in thought, and she doesn't speak a word until we pull up in front of her house.
I put my hand on the door handle ready to push the door open, but she stops me with a hand on my other arm.
"Emily," she starts off, something in her tone of voice that I recognize instinctively as a warning signal. It stills me immediately.
"Yes?" I say, aware that I am on my guard.
She takes her hand off my arm, and just gazes at me for a moment. "Are you alright?" she finally says.
"I'm fine, Aunt Sue," I say, producing a smile. Her answering smile is automatic and fleeting.
She sighs. "Look, Emily. I know I can't tell you what to do, or who to form relationships with. I also know that you and Leah aren't on the best of terms right now."
I don't respond.
"I try to mind my business when it comes to feuds, arguments, and the like because I have faith that everything will work itself out in the end, but this… friendship you've formed with Sam… I have to ask - is it worth risking your relationship with your cousin?"
"No," I say, immediately, swallowing down what feels like betrayal. "It's not worth it. Leah is my best friend."
Aunt Sue smiles as if she's single-handedly solved the problem.
I bite back acid.
"But," I continue, knowing she's solved nothing. "My relationship with Sam is purely platonic, and it has nothing whatsoever to do with Leah. Regardless of what she believes, or what anyone else believes, I didn't come down here to break them up. I know it would make her happy if I were to leave him alone, but I honestly don't believe that would be the right thing to do. Sam is… he's become a friend to me, and I've become a friend to him as well."
At least, I thought we were friends, before he mysteriously disappeared.
"Emily - " Aunt Sue starts, but I interrupt her.
"I'm not going to choose, Aunt Sue," I say, more vehemently than I mean to. "I know that's what Leah wants me to do - choose between her and Sam, and I'm not going to. That's not fair to anyone. Leah's own stubbornness is the reason we're fighting. I want to get along with her, but I'm not going to stop doing what makes me happy just because she isn't happy. I'm sorry, but the world doesn't revolve around her, and it's wrong if everyone just keeps giving in to what she wants."
Surprisingly, Aunt Sue has the graciousness to look ashamed. "Alright, Emily. I trust your judgment. Just… be careful, okay?"
"Okay," I say, quietly.
That night, after everyone has gone to sleep, I sneak into the kitchen and look up Sam's number in the family phone book.
I call him twice, but it's late and he doesn't answer the phone. I don't leave a message.
For the next week, Leah either hangs out with Rachel Black or continues to ignore me when she's home. Uncle Harry noticeably avoids me, Seth hangs out with friends, and Aunt Sue sends me sympathetic smiles across the dinner table when she thinks no one else is paying attention. I spend most of my time either working at the store covering Sam's shifts as well as my own, or walking along the beach deep in thought.
I don't try to go back to Sam's house again, and he doesn't try to contact me. I talk to my mom a lot, but it only serves to make me homesick. It doesn't help that she knows something is wrong. More than once, I think of cutting my trip short and taking the first plane back to Seattle. She suggests that I join her on her vacation, but for reasons I'm unsure of, I decline.
Another week goes by, and I'm becoming increasingly lonely.
On a drizzly Sunday morning, Leah wakes me up by sitting on top of me on the couch.
I open one eye to find her beaming down at me.
"Morning sunshine!" she says, and I close my eyes, sure that I'm dreaming. "Come on, Emily! You should at least have the decency to say goodbye to me! I'll be gone for a month!"
Now my eyes really do open.
"What - ?"
She waves a bright blue piece of paper in my face that vaguely resembles a concert ticket. "Two tickets for Rachel Black and me to go visit Rebecca in Hawaii! Well, this is just mine. Rachel has her own, but isn't it cool?"
"… Hawaii? Wait, you're leaving?" I still haven't processed what's going on.
"It's a graduation present for Rachel. She was supposed to take Jacob, you know, their younger brother, but Billy grounded him for something stupid, and now he's not allowed to go. Harsh, if you ask me. I mean, it's Hawaii!"
I sit up, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.
"So, I'm still mad at you, but… I figured that absence would make the heart grow fonder, you know? So, I'm saying goodbye and hugging you, so I won't regret it. Also, I'm taking your perfume with me."
Leah wraps her arms around me and squeezes more tightly than is necessary.
"Goodbye, cousin. Try not to steal anyone else's fiancée while I'm gone." This last bit is said with a bitter laugh, and then, before I can summon up a response, she's gone in a flurry of laughter, and Aunt Sue is calling after her to see if she has everything she needs.
Hawaii - ?
" - Hawaii is unexpected, but I think it'll give her time to sort out all of her feelings towards Sam and the whole situation. Lord knows it'll give us a break - " Aunt Sue is talking on the phone to my mom as I'm heading out of the front door.
"Yes. Emily's just leaving now. No, she doesn't have time to talk, Jo-Anne. She's probably going to be late as it is - " Aunt Sue waves me towards the door, and I smile my thanks.
I walk onto the porch, close the door behind me, turn around and freeze.
Sam.
And he's not alone.
I know without a doubt that the boy he's with is the same one who was sleeping nude on his living room floor. It's the same one who yelled at me in front of his house. And it's the same one who was looking for him in Uncle Harry's store that day.
Both of them are here now. Shirtless and shoeless. Wearing nothing but cut-off shorts. It's all I can do not to shake my head at the absurdity.
"Emily," Sam says, softly, drawing my attention back towards him. A jolt of something passes through me, but I force myself not to react outwardly.
"Sam," I say, coolly, and step off the porch. I walk past him, and I can practically feel his surprise.
"I'm here to walk you to work," he announces.
"That's not necessary," I say, turning back to him, with a tight smile. I ignore the other boy altogether, knowing very well I am being rude. But I don't care. I don't think I realize until this moment how very angry I am with Sam. And how worried I was.
"I'm perfectly capable of finding the way there," I continue.
Sam falters. The boy looks at him, curiosity all over his face.
'If you'll excuse me, I'd rather not be late," I say, ignoring the sinking feeling in my stomach. I'm being unnecessarily rude, and I know it's letting on more than I want him to know about how much I care, but I can't seem to help it.
Is he planning on apologizing? Why did he bring that guy here with him? Doesn't he realize how awkward this is?
I shake my head, and turn to walk away. I don't understand anything he does.
"I'll meet you after work," Sam calls after me. I don't respond. I just keep walking, telling myself the entire time to not look back.
I manage, but it's difficult.
- FadingSlowly