The Tegan Chronicles

Intuition and Lies 29

Friday evening Janet came out of her office to find Tegan sitting on the end of the couch reading the latest "New England Journal of Medicine". The house was quiet, and for just a second she was glad she'd agreed to let Cassie sleep over at Gillian's. She knew Julie wasn't enjoying a quiet house, even if the two teenaged girls where probably locked in Gillian's bedroom talking about boys. It was better than the things some of their peers were out doing. "Hey."

Tegan looked over as Janet shooed Galahad out of the chair and sat down. She really wasn't making any headway in the medical journal, the pain in her arm making it impossible to concentrate.

"What do you want for dinner?"

"I'm not hungry."

"You need to eat."

"I'll eat when I'm hungry." Tegan tossed the journal on the coffee table with a loud smacking noise.

"Your body is still healing. You need the nutrients." Janet raised her voice slightly as she looked at the red hair growing back in on Tegan's head.

"I said I'm not hungry." Tegan didn't raise her voice in kind. To the casual observer she would have appeared apathetic, and in some ways she was.

Janet was tired and it was only the end of the second week. She'd let it slip that morning when Tegan had barely touched her breakfast. She didn't even pull out the threat of the nasogastric tube when Tegan skipped lunch altogether. She couldn't keep fighting her. She knew what she needed to do, what she would do if it were any other patient. But right now, she just couldn't. She'd lost too much sleep. She'd danced this particular dance one too many times. "Fine, I really don't give a shit if you eat or not. We both know it's a form of passive suicide, but go ahead and fucking kill yourself."

"I'm not passively killing myself." Tegan sighed. She just wasn't hungry, and she didn't see the point of eating when she wasn't hungry. She never had.

"I don't care anymore." Janet stood up her voice raised enough that she could be heard in the other duplex had it been occupied. "Do whatever the hell you want. I don't give a flying fuck."

Tegan jumped lightly as Janet's office door slammed shut.

Janet sank down in her office chair and despite herself started crying. She'd just told Tegan she didn't care. But that had been a lie, the furthest thing from the truth. Currently her biggest problem wasn't that Tegan was missing an arm, or that both of their lives would be forever altered because of it. Currently her biggest problem was she cared too much for and about Tegan to be able to properly care for her. If it had been anyone else she would have already put them back in the infirmary and put an NG tube down.

Tegan stood outside the door listening to Janet's almost silent sobs. She hadn't meant to make her cry. She just wasn't hungry, why did it always have to turn into such a big deal? Every time she wasn't hungry or got too wrapped up in her work to eat someone had to make a big deal over it. She knocked lightly on the door.

Janet looked up and wiped at her tear soaked face. She shouldn't be crying; even more so, she shouldn't let Tegan see her crying. Tegan had enough to deal with, without having to deal with her and her stupid breakdown. She heard the knock again, this time louder. "Come in."

Tegan opened the door and moved into the threshold but no further. She leaned against the frame. "I'm sorry."

Janet nodded. She'd only choke if she tried to speak around the emotional knot in her throat. She didn't think Tegan owed her an apology. She knew from past experience and talking to Debbie the one time they'd met, that this was Tegan, it was one of her coping mechanisms.

"Fix whatever you want and I'll eat it."

"Really?" Janet croaked.

"No, I won't eat seafood." Tegan offered a small smile and turned away.

Janet fixed baked potatoes in the oven with the crispy skins, the way Tegan had taught her. It was Tegan's favorite way to eat a baked potato. She steamed some broccoli and pulled out toppings for the potatoes.

With Janet's help, Tegan put a little butter and low fat sour cream on her potato, and put the broccoli on the side. She sat at the dinning room table and did her best to eat. When she'd eaten all she could of the smallest of the potatoes Janet had baked without using a knife. She picked up half of the crunchy skin and ate it with her hand. Janet smiled. Tegan left the other half along with two thirds of her broccoli, but it was a start.

Sunday Dana came over and brought Chinese take out. She hung out for about an hour after they'd eaten before leaving. She'd even gone into Janet's office and listened to what had happened on Friday. She reassured Janet that she was the best person to be taking care of Tegan, and that there was no such thing as caring too much.

Cassie turned on the TV and surfed until she found a movie worth watching. It was some mindless comedy, and she actually thought she heard Tegan laugh once or twice. When it was over Janet announced it was time for Cassie to head to bed.

At eleven she followed Tegan up the stairs and watched as she changed into cotton shorts and a t shirt to sleep in. "Let me give you something to help you sleep."

"I took Vicodin."

"With dinner, that was hours ago." Janet watched her lay down and pull the covers up to her waist. "I know you're not sleeping."

"Fine, what do you have in mind?"

"Demerol and Phenergan."

Tegan nodded. She slept for six hours, by far the longest she'd slept since being discharged from the infirmary.