A/N: Your feedback is always so nice to hear! This story has officially earned me the nickname 'Emotion Destroyer' from my friend Kristina- which, I guess is pretty true. This chapter lives up to the nickname; there are some pretty sad Zoey moments in here, and a few Ellie moments that could break your heart.
Less than five weeks until I leave for college!
Disclaimer: I own only the idea and the OCs; nothing original to The West Wing is mine, sadly.
"Abbey, your parents just pulled in," Jed said quietly, sticking his head into the living room. Abbey looked up from her book, nodding as she stuck her bookmark in between the pages and stood slowly, rubbing the back of her neck.
She reached her husband and slid her arm around his waist; resting her head on his chest she hugged herself to him, feeling his arms come around her and hold her close. His lips touched the top of her head, and she sighed softly, fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt.
"We don't have to tell them today if you don't want to, Abbey," he said quietly, pulling back and looking at her eyes, his blue irises shaded with concern. She shook her head, taking a deep breath.
"They deserve to know, Jed," she replied, moving with him towards the front door. "It isn't fair to keep it from them."
He merely nodded, opening the door and ushering the girls and his in-laws into the house, the January air frigid as it prepared to snow.
All three of the girls were tentative about going near Abbey until she dropped carefully to her knees in front of her middle daughter, undoing the buttons on Ellie's coat and pulling her into a tight hug, kissing her brunette head. Tears overflowed from the nine year old's emerald eyes as she clung to her mom, burying her face into Abbey's neck as her body moved with her sobs.
"I promised I'd come back," Abbey whispered roughly, her own eyes sparkling with tears as emotion clogged her throat. Ellie clutched at her tighter, tears continuing to roll down her cheeks, and Abbey ignored the pain that flared in her lower body at her position on the ground and the pressure her daughter was applying to her body with her tight hug. It didn't matter, not as much as comforting her daughter did. "I'm back, sweetheart."
Still holding Ellie, Abbey gathered her other two daughters into her arms, Liz on one side of Ellie, Zoey on the other. Jed stood with Emily and Richard only a foot or so away, Emily's hand tight on his arm, Richard's squeezing his shoulder gently. When the girls and Abbey separated a few minutes later, she came over to her parents, falling into her mother's embrace gratefully, burrowing her head into Emily's shoulder and trying desperately not to cry again. When Emily finally released her, Richard pulled Abbey into a tight hug, and she clung to her father, breathing in the scent of pipe tobacco and peppermint and shoe shine and her childhood.
"Thank you for watching them," she said when she pulled away, wiping at her eyes with the sleeve of her sweater.
"Of course sweetheart," Emily said, gray eyes soft with concern. "How do you feel?"
"Sore," Abbey admitted, one hand resting lightly against her abdomen as she shifted her weight and winced.
"Is there anything we can do?" Richard asked, looking between his daughter and his son-in-law. Abbey looked at her husband, teeth pulling on her bottom lip when Jed's eyes didn't move to meet hers.
"Don't say anything to Jack about this yet," Abbey said, looking back to her parents. "Or to Diane or Jonathon. Not yet."
"Of course," Emily replied, nodding. "Let us know if you need anything, sweetheart. We're only a phone call away."
Abbey nodded, hugging her mother again, holding the embrace for a few long moments, struggling not to burst into tears. She pulled away and took a breath, trying to catch her husband's eyes, but he was hanging up the girls' coats and putting their shoes away, and so she swallowed, and turned back to look at her daughters.
"Say goodbye to Grandma and Grandpa, girls. You'll see them again soon," Abbey said, and the three girls flocked to their grandparents, exchanging hugs and kisses. Once Emily and Richard had left a silence fell, while Jed and Abbey helped the girls unpack. Abbey helped Ellie and Jed helped Zoey, while Liz shut her door and unpacked by herself.
Ellie was silent as they unpacked her bag, putting the dirty clothes in her hamper and going through the clean clothes to put away. Abbey watched her middle daughter with her heart in her throat; she didn't know what to say to comfort the nine year old. She sat on Ellie's bed while her daughter put her toothbrush back in the bathroom.
"Ellie?" Abbey asked softly when the little girl came back into the bedroom. Ellie swallowed, looking at her mom for a second before averting her gaze, looking at her toes. "Will you come sit with me please?"
Ellie came over almost reluctantly, sitting next to her mom on the edge of her bed, picking at a few loose treads in the comforter.
"Talk to me, Ellie," she asked quietly, tucking some of her daughter's dark hair behind her ears, getting it out of her eyes.
"What if you didn't come back?" Ellie asked in a small voice, tears beginning to run down her cheeks again. "What if you left like Grandpa and I never saw you again?"
"Oh, sweetheart," Abbey said, wrapping an arm around her daughter and hugging her tightly, kissing the top of her head. "Ellie, I know it was scary, but I'm okay now. I'm not going anywhere, I promise. I'm right here, just like always."
She rubbed her daughter's back and rocked her gently, stroking her hair and murmuring soft reassurances.
"I love you so much, Ellie," she whispered, closing her eyes against the tears that threatened to spill over. "I'm sorry this was so scary for you."
"I just don't want you to go away," the nine year old whimpered, clutching Abbey tighter. "Mommy please don't go away."
"I won't sweetheart," Abbey whispered, pulling back to look into Ellie's eyes. "I won't go away again, I promise."
Ellie's green eyes were still swimming with tears, but she nodded, sniffling and wiping at her face. Abbey leaned over, grabbing a few tissues and drying away the tears, kissing her forehead after fo good measure.
"Your daddy and I have to talk to you guys about something," Abbey said, tucking some of Ellie's hair back behind her ear, the sadness clear in her tone. "Can you go down and sit in the living room for me while I go check on Lizzie?"
Ellie nodded, leaning forward to kiss her mom before sliding off the bed, padding towards the door. Abbey took a moment to collect herself before facing her oldest daughter; she left Ellie's room and headed for Liz's, knocking on the door softly.
"Liz?" she asked as she opened the door, finding her eldest daughter stowing her bag back in her closet. "Can I come in for a minute?"
Liz nodded, going over to her vanity and unpacking her travel bag, replacing the items with extra concentration. Abbey sat on the edge of the bed, watching her daughter.
"Grandma told me you know what happened," she said quietly, watching as Liz's shoulders tensed, her throat moving as she swallowed. "Lizzie, look at me, please."
It took a moment, but eventually Liz turned, blue eyes red from crying. Abbey patted the bed next to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and kissing her temple lightly.
"I'm really sorry you lost him Mommy," Lizzie whispered against her neck, burrowing into her hug. Abbey closed her eyes, resting her head on top of her daughter's and hugging her tightly against her.
"Me too," she whispered, swallowing back against the tears. "The next few weeks are going to be really hard, and I'm sorry for that. I'm going to need a lot of help."
"Anything," the teenager replied, pulling back to meet her mom's gaze. "Anything you need."
Abbey smiled sadly, tucking her daughter's hair back and kissing her forehead.
"If you want to talk to someone, just tell me," Abbey said, seriousness touching her tone. "Your dad and I are going to talk to all three of you girls in a little while, but if you want to talk to someone else, I understand. Just tell me, okay?"
Liz nodded, and Abbey relaxed slightly, running a hand through her messy hair.
"Can you go downstairs and sit with Ellie until your father and I bring Zoey down?" Abbey asked, rising slowly from the bed, pain radiating from her abdomen. Liz nodded, standing too. "We'll just be a couple of minutes. Thank you, sweetheart."
Liz sent her mom a soft smile before leaving, and Abbey headed for Zoey's bedroom. Just as she went to grasp the knob the door opened, Jed carrying Zoey in his arms.
"Liz and Ellie are downstairs already," she said, and he nodded, shifting their youngest in his arms. Zoey's face was buried in her dad's neck, her arms looped tightly around his shoulders. Abbey looked at him questioningly, but he didn't seem to catch her look; she swallowed, following him down the stairs slowly.
In the living room, Jed sat on the left end of the couch, Zoey curled up in his lap, Ellie and Zoey sat on the floor in front of the couch, facing them, and Abbey sat next to Jed, in the middle. She took a deep breath, finding her husband's hand and linking their fingers before she started to talk.
"I know the past couple of days have been scary," she started, looking at all three of her girls, though Zoey still refused to look at her, even when Jed prompted her to turn her head with his shoulder. "And I'm sorry it had to be so scary for you girls. But it was scary for Mommy and Daddy too."
Ellie's eyes widened, and Zoey turned her head slightly so she could see her mom's face, and Abbey could see the tears in her youngest daughter's eyes. She swallowed, looking back at Ellie and Liz.
"Sometimes, things happen, and we don't always know why," she continued, her voice growing thicker with each word. Jed's hand in hers strengthened her, and she took a deep breath before continuing. "I had to go to the hospital because I lost the baby; I had a miscarriage."
Ellie's eyes got even wider, and Zoey look confused, but she could tell whatever was happening was distressing.
"What do you mean, 'lost'?" the four year old asked, piping up. "Can't you just go find him? He was in your tummy, he couldn't have gotten very far away."
Abbey's eyes brimmed even more with tears, and Liz came up to sit with her, holding her other hand.
"She means the baby went to Heaven, Zoey," Jed said softly, and Zoey's eyebrows contracted. "Honey, he died."
Zoey's face went blank, her mouth curving into a small 'O' shape. Abbey searched her face, heart breaking when the tears began to trickle down her baby's face.
"Zoey-"
"Is it because I asked if I'd hate the baby? Because I didn't mean it Mommy, I didn't mean it, I'm sorry I said it, I love the baby, Mommy, I'm sorry!" Zoey blurted out, voice catching as the words slid out all at once, tears slipping down her cheeks. Abbey's heart completely shattered, and she caught the glaze of tears in Jed's eyes as well.
"Oh, Zoey, baby," Abbey said, bringing the sobbing little girl onto her lap, hugging her tightly. "Oh, this isn't your fault sweetheart, it's no one's fault at all. Oh, Zoey."
Eventually Zoey's sobbing reduced to hiccups, and she pulled her damp face out of Abbey's shoulder, sniffling and wiping her eyes.
"Do you- do you still love me?" she asked, blue eyes lage and wet, clearly terrified Abbey would say no.
"Zoey, of course I still love you- this isn't your fault, sweetheart, not at all," Abbey said, framing her daughter's face in her hands and wiping away the tears with her thumbs. She pressed a kiss to Zoey's forehead, hugging her tightly. She looked at Ellie and Liz, both of whom were crying as well. "I love all of you so much."
She motioned for Ellie to join them on the couch, between herself and Jed, and Liz and Ellie hugged her on both sides, Zoey still clutching her in her lap. Abbey closed her eyes, swallowing- the ache in her chest lessened slightly.
They put the girls down for a nap; all three of them, even Liz, went willingly. No one had slept well recently. In their bedroom Abbey changed in the bathroom while Jed closed the curtains, and when she came out in one of his old t-shirts and a pair of sweats, he turned to look at her, opening his mouth.
"You told Zoey it was no one's fault. Please tell me that that means you don't blame yourself," he said, looking at her with eyes edged with confusion. She swallowed, looking away, eyes clenched shut. "Abbey-"
"It was my body, Jed!" she cried, opening eyes filled with tears. "He was inside my body, and when he was there, he was supposed to be safe! That was my only job, to keep him safe for another twenty two weeks. So it is my fault Jed- it's all my fault!"
He stared at her for a few moments, his blue eyes completely unreadable.
"I'm going for a drive," he said, and her heart dropped to her toes.
"Jed, please-"
"I don't know how to help you, Abbey!" he exclaimed, his blue eyes a mixture of pain and anger and devastation. "I don't know what to say, I don't know how to comfort you, and I sure as hell have no clue what to say to our daughters. I don't know what I'm doing here anymore!"
Abbey watched as he snatched up a sweatshirt, his hands shaking. He grasped the door handle, his back to hers.
"If the girls wake up and I'm still gone, tell them I'll be back by bedtime to read to them," he said, not turning around. Before Abbey could reply he'd left the room, shutting the door behind him. She stayed rooted in her spot for a few moments, trying to collect herself. She closed her eyes, tilting her head back and clenching her fists, working to keep herself in check.
There was a tiny knock, and she relaxed as Zoey peeked her touseled head in.
"Mommy, can I sleep with you?" she asked, eyes hazy with sleep and her thumb in her mouth.
"Of course, sweetie," she said, helping the preschooler up onto the bed. Just as she'd predicted, a few moments later Ellie was there, followed soon by Liz. "C'mon, you guys can come up too."
The girls all cuddled in the large bed, Abbey in the middle of her girls. She tried to push Jed from her mind, but she could still see his face when he'd told her he didn't know how to help her. Jed was rarely helpless, and rarely unable to control a situation, and she knew he hated not being able to help her.
She barely even knew how to help herself; how could she make her husband see that?
"Mommy, where's Daddy?" Ellie asked, eyes closed and voice soft; she was clearly almost asleep.
"He'll be home soon baby," she whispered, rubbing her back. "Go to sleep."
She could only pray that what she said was true.
Jed caught his breath as he reached the kitchen, the adrenaline of raising his voice wearing off slowly.
He knew he shouldn't have taken out his frustration on Abbey, but he'd been keeping it inside and he just couldn't take it anymore. He wanted to lash out, to take his anger out somehow; he just didn't know how.
He grabbed the phone, dialing the familiar number. When the man on the other end picked up, Jed took a deep breath before speaking.
"Leo, is now a good time?"