As he downed his fourth drink, Sebastian managed not to wince so hard. He knew it would only take a couple more until he didn't taste anything. His throat was still raw, but it had nothing to do with the drink. It was from an afternoon of swallowing hard, tightening his throat along with his whole body as he packed. He had hoped the drinks would relax him, but he was still tense all over. He could feel the music vibrating in his stomach.

Yet another bulky frame loomed behind him, attempting some sort of grind in time to 'Vogue'. He could tell from the slightest movement that he was at least forty. Sebastian was nothing if not experienced. Yes, Scandals was still a dive. Yes, it was the last place he wanted to be. But it was the only place he could be alone. When he was back in his room, it was as if Ned was still there with him, and if he'd had to look at him one more time… he just couldn't. He felt hot breath on his neck and in his ear.

"You new? I don't believe we've met…"

A hand slid against the small of his back. This was nothing new to Sebastian, but now instead of being part of the normal routine, it was an intrusion. It made him feel sick when he should have been lapping it up. He should have this guy's mouth on his dick already – hell, they should be done already, but now the very idea made him shudder. He shrugged, flinching away from the touch.

"Can it. Not interested." He waved to the bartender. "I'll have the same again."

A different voice chimed in behind him, but it was barely audible over the music.

"Haven't you had enough-"

"I said leave me alone-"

He grabbed the hand that was brushing against his waist and froze. He knew that hand. The skin was soft, cold, a little clammy and shaky. As if it belonged to somebody who was nervous. Someone who'd never been to a bar before. Someone who'd forced themselves to come, despite being underage, just to see him.

"What are you doing here?"

He turned to see Ned standing there, looking so tiny in a room full of predators. Sebastian's first instinct was to get him away from the place, but he fought it. He couldn't show how afraid he was for him. He pushed himself, again and again, to remember what he used to be – cold; closed off. He did everything he could to bring it back. He flashed back to every meaningless fuck, every seedy encounter in every shitty, sleazy bar, and plastered on the same old callous, expressionless sneer. It felt like the home he'd run away from.

"I wish I could ask you the same question, but I'd be wasting my time. I know, Seb, I know exactly what you're doing here, and I know it's not going to work."

"Stop it."

"No."

"This is the real world, you know. You can't just run off and wait for a kid in a blazer to run after you and kiss it better. Big bad Sebastian might actually get you, and they're not here to rescue you again. Leave."

"No. I'm not going and you don't want me to."

He hated that. The way Ned acted like he knew everything about him. And he really hated that voice in the back of his head telling him Ned was right, and he blocked it out again. The meathead from earlier had only moved a metre or so away. There wasn't a lot of room to escape rejection in Scandals; it usually wasn't a problem as it was rare for anyone to say no. Sebastian caught his eye and grabbed his collar, pulling himself up from his stool. He heaved the guy in between himself and Ned and kissed him.

He kept his eyes on Ned, to show him he didn't care if he saw, to let him know that it was for his benefit. He didn't care about anything, least of all Ned. It was a look he'd perfected, but usually his eyes weren't sparkling with tears to give him away. For a heartbeat he could see Ned's face, looking like he couldn't breathe, like somebody had a firm grip on his insides, but only for a second. Then there were hands on his face and a hot, heavy body pressing against him, and even the thumping bass was drowned out by obscene groans.

This situation was anything but new to Sebastian, but now he thought he was going to vomit, and instead of numb, the alcohol was making him feel dizzy. He pulled away and pushed the man off of him.

"What the-"

Sebastian didn't even answer him. He shoved him aside, but Ned had already gone. He looked to the door just in time to see him running out, and he darted after him.

"Ned! Wait!"

The cold air slapped him in the face as soon as he got outside. Ned had stopped halfway to his car and was facing away from him. Sebastian couldn't tell if he was panting or crying.

"Ned…"

Ned spun around. Sebastian had to clamp his mouth shut when he saw his face. He'd never seen anyone look that broken since Grace, except maybe himself.

"What?" he snapped.

Sebastian's mouth hung open. Now that he had his attention, he didn't know what to do with it.

"Well? What is it? What else do you want to do to me?"

At that moment, Sebastian wanted nothing more than to curl up in a ball somewhere quiet with Ned wrapped around him. Or the other way around. He just wanted to be close to him, holding onto him, taking that scared look off his face, but instead he stood there, swaying slightly thanks to the combination of eight shots of vodka and a gentle midnight breeze.

"So was this one of your games the whole time? Was this the result you were going for? You, alone at a crappy bar and me yelling at you? Me crying over you; is that what you wanted? Well, fine. Fuck you. Oh wow, I swore, okay? I'm finally playing along, right? Well, guess what – I'm not playing anymore. I can't. I'm out."

He paused for a second, as if he had more to say, but he knew it wouldn't be enough. He sighed, closed his mouth and turned to leave. Sebastian ran after him, trying to grab his arm and kiss him, but he resisted. He pulled his arm away.

"No. I won't. You can't do that anymore; you don't get to kiss me and make me forget. Get off me."

He started to walk away again. Now that their eyes weren't locked, Sebastian finally summoned the strength to speak, even if it wasn't enough to tell the truth.

"You see? I knew it!"

Ned stopped, but still didn't look at him.

"Knew what?"

"You keep trying to act like you don't care, like you don't love me, but I knew you did. You can't even look at me; it's pathetic. Do you know what this means? It means I won. You acted like you were too good for me, like you were some innocent little boy, but not anymore. Now I've fucked you up and I'm leaving you all alone. It was almost too easy."

Ned didn't move. Sebastian stepped towards him, reaching for his arm.

"For fuck's sake, Ned, are you such a coward that you can't even look at me?"

Ned turned around before Seb reached him. His cheeks were striped with tears. Sebastian stepped back, his mask faltering as he was too drunk and in too much pain to keep it up.

But you have to keep going. Make him hate you. Make it so you can't come back.

"Can you hear yourself? When exactly was I acting, Sebastian? Was it the time I ran out of English in tears, or today at practise when I asked why you were leaving? Maybe when I brought you coffee and kissed you; was I playing hard to get?"

Seb remained silent. His fingers twitched at his sides.

"Do you honestly still believe it when you say you were messing with me? Is there a single part of you that still sees me as some kind of conquest? I never pretended not to care, not once; I've been totally fucking clear about how I feel. I love you."

He stopped for a breath, which turned into a sob. He couldn't believe that the first time he told someone he loved them was like that. His voice was shaking, but he kept going anyway.

"You're the coward, Sebastian. You're the one who's pretending, and it's not just me who can tell. Everyone except you knows that you're not the guy you used to be, and what if it's a good thing?"

Ned reached for Sebastian's hand. He wanted to yank it away, but his body and his mind refused to cooperate. Their fingers linked, and Sebastian closed his eyes and bowed his head.

"You keep lying to yourself, telling yourself you don't care, but you're just scared. You're so scared of letting me in, but it's too late. I'm in, and I know you better than you do, and I know you love me back."

Sebastian felt a tear freeze on his cheek. He wasn't sure if he was breathing. His eyes were burning and it was impossible to pretend he wasn't crying when he could feel Ned's fingers between his. They slipped away as Ned cupped his face with both hands, forcing him to open his eyes and lock them with the blue ones inches away from him.

"You don't have to go back to being him. This Sebastian, my Sebastian, he's twice the man that guy was, and I know he's still in there, but… it's hard. It's hard loving you, because sometimes I'm the only one who does. That's the problem. You don't hate me. You hate yourself."

He pulled Seb's face down so their noses were rubbing together. Sebastian clung to Ned's waist with one hand while the other hung limply at his side, freezing now that it wasn't linked with Ned's.

"I can't keep trying to show you what I see. I can't open your eyes for you."

Sebastian kept trying to lean in to kiss him, or just to be as close to him as possible. He knew he was going to leave, and all that would be in front of him was an empty space, but there was nothing he could do about it except maybe keep him there a little longer. Ned turned his face away from Sebastian's lips and they stood, cheek to cheek as if they were dancing, while Ned whispered in his ear.

"Go to Paris, if you have to… if you want to. I want you to be happy. I just don't want you to go back to being him."

He stroked Sebastian's face one last time to wipe a tear away and reach up to kiss him lightly on the cheek. As if he had a grazed knee and he was kissing it better - so innocent, but so warm. He let his head drop forward, knowing there was more affection in that peck on the cheek than he would probably see for the next year.

Ned walked to his car, turning back as he opened the door. They ignored the thrumming bass from the bar. His voice was little more than a whisper, but Sebastian could still hear him.

"And you're wrong about something else. I'm not alone. I've got the Warblers. All you've got now is Paris."