Ned was already wide awake when the tapping started. How was he supposed to sleep when Sebastian was not only leaving the country, but he was miserable as well. He felt helpless and he couldn't keep still. He stared at the ceiling, the walls, the fabric of his bedding, taking in every detail until everything swirled and twisted in front of him. He wished he hadn't gone to the bar. He should have just let him go that afternoon, then at least he wouldn't be stuck with the image of his face in his head, so sad and lonely, looking so tiny even though he was a good four inches taller than Ned. He wasn't holding himself with the sense of pride and dignity he had before. That was the saddest part; Sebastian was too weak even to pretend anymore. Ned angrily wiped at his cheeks, furious with himself for crying. It would be easier not to if he couldn't still feel Sebastian's lips against his; if he couldn't still taste him and smell him and feel his hands on his waist.
He rolled over as he finally noticed the irritating tapping noise at his window. He tried to squeeze his eyes closed, putting his pillow over his head to block out the noise and the sliver of moonlight that was snaking in.
The tapping persisted.
It wasn't even a steady rhythm. It was spasmodic, the timing and the volume different every time. It was infuriating. Ned let out a groan of exasperation and pulled the covers off, making him shudder with cold, and walked to the window to get rid of whatever insane bird was trying to torture him. He pulled up his blind, one hand rubbing at his eyes as if they weren't already red enough. There wasn't a bird in sight. He jumped as a piece of gravel flew towards his face before bouncing off the window. He looked down to see Sebastian, shivering, wincing when he saw Ned's frightened expression. Ned's mouth fell open. He was scared to open the window. They both stayed perfectly still, looking at each other. There was a noticeable turn upwards at the corner of Sebastian's mouth. It wasn't a smile, but it wasn't a smirk either. It set Ned on edge. The last time he'd seen that look, it had ended up smashing his heart into pieces. Sebastian tried to match his seriousness, but he couldn't quite muster up a frown. He shrugged a little, as if to say 'you can't keep that closed forever'. Ned swallowed hard, took a deep breath and opened the window.
"Hi."
"What are you doing?"
"Throwing pebbles at your window."
"Why?"
"I don't know; but you're here, so I think it was a good thing to do."
They were talking as if they were right next to each other despite being two storeys apart. It didn't matter. They could still hear. Ned ignored his pulse radiating through him. He could feel it in his kneecaps, his knuckles, his teeth; every part of him was shaking. He chewed his lip anxiously. When he finally spoke again, his voice was even quieter.
"What- what do you want?"
Sebastian's trace of a smile disappeared.
"You."
Ned's eyes widened and in spite of himself he could feel a pink flush spreading from his neck to his cheeks until it reached the tips of his ears. He suddenly felt too hot even though there was an icy breeze hitting him head on through the open window. He shook his head slowly in disbelief.
"Don't, Sebastian-"
"No, no, I know, but just… just come down. Please, Ned, just talk to me."
"It's four in the morning."
"Yeah, and I've already given my key back. It's actually pretty nice out here, as long as you're wrapped up."
Ned paused again. He sighed. He couldn't just leave him there. He held up two fingers and closed the window. Two minutes.
Sebastian had to jog on the spot to keep warm, keeping an eye on the side door the boys weren't supposed to know about, which came in useful for smokers and anyone who wanted to sneak out to meet someone. His face lit up when he saw a flicker of movement and Ned emerged, hunched over to protect himself from the cold and from Sebastian. He still looked so serious, and Seb had to stop himself from pulling him into a hug and stroking his hair to let him know it was alright. He knew it wouldn't be that easy.
He trotted over to meet him, and was suddenly terrified. He couldn't touch him. He couldn't say anything; he didn't know where to start. He could hardly breathe. He tried to smile at Ned, who looked up at him without a trace of humour in his face. Fortunately, he spoke first so Sebastian didn't have to.
"How did you get back?"
"Cab. I explained that my dad's the DA, and… well, the taxpayer's paid for my ride, but I'm sure I'll pay for it later somehow."
Ned didn't laugh.
"What are you going to tell him?"
"I don't know. I haven't even figured out what I'm going to tell you."
Ned didn't help him out this time. He kept his arms folded and raised his eyebrows slightly.
Well, you'd better figure it out quickly.
"I'm sorry. You know that, right? It sounds stupid, but I had to say it. I don't why I-"
He started to reach for Ned's arm, but stopped himself. He saw Ned look at the ground in confused disappointment, but he knew he had too much to say to get distracted. The truth was, he knew exactly why he'd acted the way he had.
"I just don't want it to sound like I'm making excuses, okay? I know the way I treated you was- I won't make excuses because I can't. There aren't any; but, Ned, I want to tell about someone. I want you to know why I was scared, why I ran away."
He explained everything. He told him about Grace, from the gap in her teeth to her pigtails, and the night he came out to her before anyone else, and the day his parents decided to send him to Paris – the last time he saw her. He could see Ned's shoulders dropping as he talked through the lump in his throat. His guard was gradually coming down as it all fell into place, his reluctance to care, his fear of letting people in, and it made sense, but it didn't make it okay.
Ned reached up hesitantly to wipe a tear from Sebastian's cheek with his sleeve. He was sniffing too, but he'd had a head start as far as crying went.
"I still write to her, Ned. I write every week, and every week it comes back to me, and I remember all over again, and-"
A light flickered on in the corner of his eye. They both turned to look at the building and almost every window but Ned's was lit up, a face in each one watching them, captivated. They both let out a single laugh; it was hardly surprising. The other boys were almost as invested in this – whatever it was – as they were; sometimes more so. Sebastian sniffed and gulped, feeling painfully aware of every movement he made and the fact that his nose was running and that he was incredibly vulnerable. Ned took pity on him and reached out to squeeze his elbow, and Sebastian heaved a sigh of relief as the distance between them finally closed.
"Could we, uh," his eyes kept flicking down to the ground, no matter how hard he tried to look at Ned, "could we go inside? I mean, I won't try to-"
Ned didn't say anything. He just nodded at Sebastian, then toward the door. Seb smiled appreciatively and went in, giving an embarrassed, apologetic look to the boys at the windows. Ned looked up at them, spotting Nick and Jeff in Nick's room; Jeff's room was on the other side of the building, but Ned could imagine him hammering on every door on this side as soon as he heard what was happening until someone let him in. They both looked concerned, but Ned gave them a nod. He had this.
They kept quiet in the corridors. They knew dozens of ears would be pressed against the doors, anxious to hear what was happening. They smiled coyly at each other, both flattered that everyone cared that much. Admittedly, the school was somewhat gossip-starved, but there was nothing but good intent behind their interest. When they got to his room, Sebastian put his hand on the small of Ned's back without thinking. He jerked it away.
"Sorry-"
"No, it's- just- come in."
It was bizarre being back in Ned's room. He hadn't been in here since he'd crept out of it. He stood awkwardly between the door and the bed, ignoring the flashes in his mind of Ned kissing him and pulling at his shirt and somehow going from that shy kid in his class to someone more adult, more understanding than anyone, and he hadn't wanted to ruffle his hair or punch him playfully on the shoulder or study genetically modified pigs and make stupid jokes. He remembered that in that moment he'd wanted nothing more than for Ned to keep kissing him, to touch him and stroke him and press their bodies together. Now he wanted both sides of that. He wanted to feel Ned's skin close to his, but he still wanted to hear his voice and his laugh and see him smiling.
Oh, Christ. You're not even saying it out loud, and you sound like a dork. Say something that'll matter.
"You can sit down if you want to."
Sebastian shook his head. He felt awful just looking at that bed.
"I'll stand. Thanks."
There was yet another pause. Ned took pity on him and tried to prompt him.
"So… what made you come back?"
"I don't know."
"Oh. Okay."
Pause. Ned sat on the chair at his desk, swivelling it around to face Sebastian.
"Well-"
Ned looked up hopefully.
"It's stupid."
"Stupider than you standing in my room not saying anything?"
"Good point. I just- I was sitting at the airport, staring at this straight couple, and normally I'd just be confused because why, you know, girls and stuff, but she was sleeping on his shoulder and holding his hand, and he didn't let go even though he kept dropping his book-"
"Sebastian-"
"And it was just like me and Grace; I would have done anything to keep her from waking up, to save her from anything bad, but in the end, I couldn't win. She woke up and I had to leave, and I thought, why, why didn't I just wait for you to wake up? I let go of your hand and you woke up and I was gone and I thought it would be easier if I didn't have to see, I wanted you to wake up, not just that morning, but from all of it, I wanted you to see what I'm like. I thought maybe if I screwed it up on purpose it would be better than screwing it up later by accident."
"Seb-"
Sebastian took a step towards him, picking up his hands and squeezing them until his fingers started to turn white. Now that he'd started talking, however inarticulately, he couldn't stop.
"I know, this isn't making any sense and I sound so stupid, but I wanted to choose. I wanted to stay in control over what kind of fuck up you saw, but I saw that guy with his girlfriend sleeping on his shoulder, and he didn't mind that he wasn't in control of his book; actually he seemed really happy, and the only time I've been happy, really felt good about everything since I left home, it was when I was with you. When we were studying or when you were looking after me when I was drunk, or when you brought me coffee and kissed me even though I think I'd thrown up, all of it felt good even though I was losing control. Maybe I don't mind losing control if it's with you."
Ned was dumb struck. His hands were going to go into spasm is Sebastian held them any tighter. That was a lot of rambling emotion to take in at once. He shook his head slightly, trying to process everything.
"Seb, I- I-"
"But Ned, do you know what I was doing before I came here? Before I started, you know, hanging out with you? I just kept going out, finding the dumbest guys I could get my hands on and sleeping with them. I forced myself not to give a shit, and I kept pretending to be somebody different every night." He blushed, realise how pathetic it sounded, but it was too late to stop now. "I literally made people up and started scoring as them instead, and I told myself it was because it was more of a challenge, but maybe that wasn't it. Maybe I just didn't want to be me anymore, because it's fucking exhausting, and honestly I thought you were like them. I thought you were the guys I was pretending to be, all innocent and needy and, and then you liked me without me pretending me to be anyone else or playing any games, and-"
"What? You- you thought I was like-"
"No!" Sebastian's voice was even shakier now, cracking with every other syllable. He knelt down in front of Ned so he was looking up at him, his eyes brimming. "No, Ned, you're not- I'm trying to tell you that I was wrong."
Ned wanted to say something, anything, to get him off his knees and stop him looking at him like that, he wanted to grab him and forgive him and take the tremors out of his voice and tell him it was all okay, but he couldn't move. Breathing was difficult enough. Seb was staring at their hands now, incapable of looking at Ned's face. His voice was barely a whisper.
"I… I'm not smart enough for that, Ned. I'm not even close. I could never have made up a boy like you."
He finally stopped talking. It felt like he'd been going for hours. Ned was dumbstruck. Sebastian still wasn't looking at him. His head fell slowly onto his hands, which were clutching onto Ned's and balanced on his knees. The last twenty four hours finally caught up with him and he stayed there, crouched at Ned's feet for what must have been five minutes. Ned heard a cough from outside, followed by a swift slapping noise and an 'Ow!' He almost laughed, but all he could concentrate on was the head on his lap, shaking slightly, overwhelmed with exhaustion. He realised just how rare it must be for Sebastian to be that honest for that long, and it made sense that he would be tired. He tugged one hand free from Seb's grip, making Sebastian tense up and stop breathing but he still couldn't look up.
Ned slowly, tentatively, put his hand on Sebastian's head. His hair was limp and cool and Ned stroked it soothingly. Sebastian flinched a little, half expecting Ned to throw him out or just stare at him blankly, but when he lifted his head up he saw that he was smiling. Ned was smiling at him. That alone was enough to make him breathe a sigh of relief, although it came out more like a sob. Ned almost laughed, but instead he slid his hand down from Sebastian's hair to rest his palm on his cheek, their cool skin warming as they touched. He took a deep breath as he took everything in, Sebastian's words, his face, the spasmodic rhythm of his breathing gradually slowing down, and he leaned in, pressing their lips together.
It shouldn't have been so easy to fit together again; they hadn't exactly done this much in the first place, but they'd seen each other almost every day since September and it was as if they'd been doing it with every smile and laugh and study session. Sebastian's hands moves from Ned's knees to graze up his thighs, holding onto his hips as he slipped lightly off the chair and onto the floor next to him, looping his arms around his neck. Sebastian instinctively nipped at Ned's bottom lip before drawing back. Was that too much? Had he earned the right to-
He saw Ned grinning at him.
"What?"
"You know, you can kiss me properly if you want to."
Sebastian didn't have time to smile back before Ned was pushing him against the foot of the bed, one hand still over his shoulder while the other clutched at his waist, humming into his mouth. He let his tongue explore Sebastian's before coaxing him to do the same, and everything was a blur of hands and tongues and teeth and Seb was gasping, not just because of what Ned was doing, but also from the relief that he wanted to do it, and he kissed him back just as hard.
Ned finally pulled back, leaving Seb gasping against the bed, staring at him with heavy, lidded eyes. They sat side by side, leaning back against the end of the bed and trying to catch their breath. Ned closed his eyes, searching for Seb's hand and tangling their fingers together.
"Do you mind if we don't-"
Sebastian closed his eyes as well and leaned his head on Ned's shoulder.
"No, of course not. Actually, I don't think I can; I can barely…" he yawned loudly, "move."
Ned opened his eyes for a moment, just to smile at him and kiss the top of his head before resting his cheek on it.
"Long night. And it's-" he looked at the clock on the wall, "almost five. Maybe you… I mean, you could go back to your room if you want, but you could just-"
Sebastian turned towards him, eyes still closed, and laid an arm over Ned's stomach. He nuzzled into his neck, making him squirm and laugh.
"Yes please. Don't wanna go."
"I know; you don't have to go anywhere. It's okay."
Sebastian managed to haul his head up again to look at Ned, but he was so tired he ended up leaning forward into another messy kiss, their noses rubbing together.
"Ned," he whispered into Ned's mouth just as a hand came up to support his jaw, "I… I don't know if I can do this, okay?"
Ned raised an eyebrow.
"Excuse me?"
"No, wait, I'm not, I don't- I'm not going back on it. I'm not going to disappear again, I just-"
Ned smiled and kissed him on the nose.
"I know what you meant."
He blushed.
"It's just that I've never… but you're the first person who's made me want to try. I really want to try for you."
Ned stroked his head until it landed, eyes closed, back on his shoulder. He shushed him quietly.
He knew he probably should have got them both up off the floor and onto the bed, but he was happy enough where he was and Sebastian looked peaceful for the first time in weeks. He started to snore softly, making Ned smile almost smugly.
"You can, by the way. You can do anything."
Ned didn't know if he'd heard him, but he felt Sebastian's fingers tighten around his waist.
The common room was practically vibrating with excitement.
All they knew was that Sebastian was back and that he and Ned hadn't emerged from Ned's room since early that morning. None of them had slept well, at first because they felt bad for Ned, later because they knew he'd gone out in the middle of night, and finally because they were too busy trying to listen in on whatever was happening after Sebastian arrived. They were manic enough on a normal day, but without sleep they were delirious.
"I'm telling you," Trent whined at the others who had been begging for details, as his room was next to Ned's, "all I heard was muffled talking then quiet. Even if I did hear anything, it doesn't change the fact that I am a gentleman, and wouldn't tell you a thing."
That didn't have the effect he was hoping for.
"I knew it! You heard everything! Did they fight?"
"Did they make up?"
"Did they make out?"
Trent gasped indignantly.
"Jeff!"
"What? We were all thinking it-"
He was drowned out by a hundred questions, aimed as much at each other as at Trent, until there was a small cough at the door. Only Wes noticed the two boys standing in the doorway staring in confusion and amazement at the chaos in the common room.
"Guys," they ignored him until he put on his 'Head Warbler' voice, "Guys!"
They turned sharply to look at him (they were so well trained, Wes couldn't help smirking) and then they flicked their heads to the door.
Ned and Sebastian wished they could have been surprised, but this was exactly the reaction they'd been expecting. Ned almost burst out laughing when he suddenly remembered that this was the exact kind of inclusion he'd been hoping for when he'd auditioned, and now he was at the middle of it.
They both looked like hell; they had dark lines under their eyes and their clothes had obviously been pulled on in a hurry. Sebastian was in street clothes, jeans and a dark blue v neck sweater, while Ned was in some dishevelled version of his uniform. He was hopeless enough at tying his tie on a full night's sleep.
They froze along with everyone else, taken aback by the contrast between hysteria and silence. For a moment they stared at the others with blank expressions, leaving them in doubt for as long as possible (why shouldn't they have a little fun with them?) before smiling sheepishly. They glanced at each other and Sebastian reached an open hand towards Ned. Ned looked back at the others for a second. Jeff was squeezing Nick's knee, Nick was gripping onto David's arm, David was clinging to the table he was sitting on to try and alleviate some of the pain from the fingers digging into his bicep. Everyone seemed to have stopped breathing. They were terrible at pretending they hadn't been trying to listen.
Ned grinned at them before taking a deep breath and taking Sebastian's hand in his.
Just when they thought the Warblers could never surprise them, they did. They remained silent. Their eyes were all a little wider, they were all beaming, but nobody said anything for almost a minute. Ned and Sebastian glanced nervously at each other. Sebastian frowned and shook his head slightly (any idea what's going on?) and Ned shrugged back (no clue) before turning back to his classmates.
"Guys… did we miss something?"
That seemed to snap out of their stupor – he said 'we'.
Jeff was the first one to break their silence with a single word.
"FUCK!"
Even Wes didn't scold him, and everyone rushed towards the door, jumping on Ned and Sebastian. They were drowned by 'I was rooting for you guys' and 'you had us worried there' and 'seriously, how is he in the sack? (Jeff to Ned)' and they were helpless. Sebastian didn't even notice that they were finally talking to him. He just kept holding onto Ned's hand, letting his thumb roam over his knuckles and squeezing tightly so they couldn't get pulled apart. Despite the crowd swarming around them, they managed to bob their heads up enough to keep smiling at each other.