7.

If you could only see

The beast you've made of me

I held it in but now it seems

You've set it running free.

The saints can't help me now,

The ropes have been unbound.

I hunt for you with bloody feet

Across the hallowed ground.

…

Bella

…

As I looking back, black periods taint my memories of the first days after I was murdered – intervals of time when I lost all hold on sanity and reason in the rage-filled hunt for blood.

I am left with brief stumbling snapshots of the worst feelings of my short life, all underscored with a keen edge of desperation, every moment a nightmare of a different flavor.

Those first days after my death were clouded by intense surges of rage, despair, and frantic anxiety, as the people who'd caused me the most pain in my life interfered even into my death.

…

The pain wouldn't stop – building and building, flaring through my bones, coming screaming out my mouth – and I couldn't think of anything else.

Tears built in my eyes, and yet I couldn't focus on anything but the pain burning me alive. Time seemed to ground to a halt –the burning intensified and the madness of pain consumed me whole.

I burned and burned, till I even lost me. But as time went on, the burning raged through me, over me and into me, until my subconscious finally detached itself from the pain. Images floated through my mind –three flickering moments, the most forceful three impressions of my short life.

Edward's coldness as he tore me apart with his words, that awful day in the woods. The lonely figure of my dad, standing in his driveway in the rain, watching as I drove myself out of his life for the last time. The strange, intense expression on Peter's face in the still moment before he moved to kiss me, his eyes wide with raw emotion.

I remembered how angry and grief-stricken I'd been when I realized what was happening. Peter had been taken – he was in trouble, and I'd just run away like a coward. I needed to help him, and now I was completely helpless myself. The pain of the burning change mixed with heartbreak and fear, adding an anxious tinge to the waves of pain I felt as time passed.

Eventually the burning faded slightly from my fingertips and toes, intensifying and drawing into my chest, concentrating into a torch on my heart. And when I could no longer stand it… my heart burst. Stopped altogether.

I inhaled deeply, tasting everything on the air. After one second, then two, a tugging on my heart brought back everything, every memory of my last minutes alive – and I knew that I had to help Peter.

…

I almost felt asleep – no aches, no lingering pains. I didn't move at first, instead just focused on my exceptionally heightened sense. A faint scratching noise came from the floorboards, and behind several walls and doors, I heard a shifting, as of two fabrics rubbed against each other. Beyond the walls of the house, a cacophony of evening nature sounds played as background music to my rebirth.

I inhaled deeply, breathing in a riot of complementary scents – sandalwood, old leather, and something deep and sweet, almost like warm summer rain on the dusty ground. Peter.

But by the faintness of his scent, I knew he wasn't here, hadn't been for days. My stomach clenched when I realized he was still gone – whatever had happened out there after I'd run away had stopped Peter from coming home. Certainty filled me, however, that he couldn't be dead – every cell in my body hummed with the knowledge that Peter was alive.

Light reddened the insides of my eyelids until I finally opened my eyes.

Peter's room looked surreal – like I'd seen the room in a blurry, old photograph then was suddenly seeing it in high definition.

Cobwebs and smudges of dirt lingered in the corners of the ceiling – a spider climbed a thin strand of webbing hanging from the closet door. Well, at least as a human I hadn't had to see that up close and personal. So I closed my eyes again.

Great job, Bella, I chastised myself. Three seconds as a vampire and you already want to go hide. I allowed myself one deep, calming breath, grateful that even though I'd woken up alone, it had been in Peter's bed.

Then, I heard heavy footsteps coming toward the bedroom door – too heavy, really, why were they stomping around so loudly? – startled, I darted out of bed and backed into the corner opposite the doorway.

Jasper walked up and leaned against the doorframe with a small smile, and I was glad for his calming vibes. My anxiety level was rising, tied directly to the dryness in my throat.

An easy smile on his face, Jasper merely asked, "You feeling all right? Thirsty?"

I could only nod, one hand on my throat and the other clenched tight into a fist at my side, knowing what came next: I find out how much of a monster I've become.

"All right, come on downstairs and we'll go out back." He retreated back down the hall, leaving behind a swath of his calming vibes. He was acting strangely – anger spiked in my heart when I realized he was probably just trying to keep me from losing it. I abandon Peter, then I'm brutally murdered and wake up as a incontrollable newborn vampire. Not even close to being fair.

My anger and thirst continued to feed off each other as I followed Jasper's trail down the stairs to the front door and out onto the porch – where he stood with his back to me, giving off waves of hostility.

A sense of foreboding overcame me, such that I was barely surprised to see that in front of Jasper stood the last two people I'd ever want to see. Edward and Alice.

"What the hell are you doing here, Edward?" I spit out.

I'd almost forgotten how beautiful he was – since he'd taken every last picture I'd had of him. Such beautiful features – yet he looked so young. Frozen forever at the cusp of adulthood.

Well, I was older now, and I no longer swooned at his feet like a little girl.

His bronze hair shone in the sunlight, his skin glittering sickeningly – I remembered how fascinated I'd been when I'd first seen that phenomenon. Distracted, I held my own arm out into the sunlight, out from the shadows of the porch, marveling at the change from my pale, dull human skin.

Edward hadn't answered me. He and Alice stood side by side, both giving me the once-over.

I looked up. "Seriously?" I asked. "I've got shit to do, you know, blood to drink. Speak up or move it along."

Edward's hopeful words belied his distressed expression. "Bella, I apologize for my absence – what's been done to you is all my fault! But I'm here now; I'll protect you. I can take care of you."

What the hell, was he serious? He sounded so certain, not even questioning that I would take him back. "Protect me? Where have you been the last four years? You didn't want anything do with me, remember?" I injected as much aggravation and derision into my words as I could.

"Oh Bella, how could you doubt my love for you? I only left so you would be safe – I've loved you since the moment we met!" Okay, now he was starting to sound like a bad Lifetime movie.

With an incredulous shake of my head, I stomped down the porch steps, out into the sunlight of the front yard, stopping a few feet away from Edward. I really didn't want to get too close to him. "Abandoning me is not loving me." I said harshly. "Love is a choice; love is being there for someone."

"No, love, you're wrong. I do love you. We're meant to be together, you must know that." He looked at me beseechingly, his hand rising as if to cup my cheek. No, thanks – I slapped his hand away.

"Listen to me, Edward. I don't love you, and I don't believe in fate. I believe in choices. And I'm not choosing you."

From Edward's side, Alice gave a derisive laugh. "So you're choosing Peter? He's nothing! He's a murderer, Bella. He's dirt. And he's as good as dead now, anyway."

At her words, I felt a second of shock, then rage. The next second I had both hands around her skinny little neck as I tackled her to the ground. I knew I was overreacting, but that part of my mind was drowned out by my crazy-intense newborn emotions.

Ignoring Jasper's shouts behind me, I growled as Alice tried to throw me off. "What are you talking about, Alice? You've seen where he is, haven't you?"

"I told you, he's as good as dead. He won't be able to fight and kill his way out of this one, so give it up." Her usually perky expression turned dark with anger, and her struggles intensified before she slackened in my grip. I wondered why until I heard Jasper's low, commanding voice.

"Tell us where the fuck he is, Alice."

Her amber-colored eyes reflected her internal struggle against her husband's influence – emotions flashed through her eyes as I held her there in the dirt: frustration, despair, apathy, even briefly love. Venom built in her eyes before she finally choked out, "Fine! He's where Maria had Bella, underground."

"Who took him?" I asked.

"I don't know, I don't recognize them. They're just trying to fight over Maria's old territory – if we just leave it'll be fine-"

I cut her off with a shake. "How many are there?"

"10, maybe. I can't tell for sure!"

I searched her expression for evidence of deceit and found none; I let her go and stood. Jasper pulled me away from her with a hand on my elbow, leaving his wife sprawled on the ground. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, a new feeling welling up inside me – hope. Peter wasn't dead, not yet. But he needed my help.

I steeled myself mentally for what was to come. Opening my newly sensitive eyes against the harsh light of day, I caught Edward's eye. I had nothing more to say to him, but I held his gaze as I said, "Jasper. Teach me to hunt?"

He didn't reply, but began to lead me away toward the desert expanse behind the house, turning our backs on Edward and Alice.

A sour feeling swam around my stomach – as much as I myself I didn't care anymore, Edward had stirred up feelings of anger and worthlessness that I'd tried to leave behind years ago. Seeing him standing out on that lawn, looking at me with bright eyes, had thrown me back to when I had thought I'd loved him, back in Forks.

As Jasper and I tramped through the scraggly weeds toward the craggy hills miles past Peter's house, I struggled to keep hold of myself. Pent-up energy, hysteria, and anger all fought to escape, and my grip on sanity was slipping. My throat screamed with pain – the dry tickle had given way to a raging thirst – and my muscles twitched in need.

Eventually we came upon a path sloping downward between mounds of boulders. The path continued downward into something of a valley, with rocky walls dotted with small vegetation – and in the distance I heard a wet thumping and a soft purring growl. My eyes instinctually searched out the source – a wildcat. In that moment, I gave in. And I was relieved.

For a few moments, I lost my sanity, and my humanity with it. All that separates us from animals – thoughts, emotions, conscience – was gone. I knew hunger, violence, and instinct. Escapism in its truest form.

My first hunt passed by in a blur of snarls, teeth, and warm, sweet blood.

I came to my senses kneeling next to the wildcat as it died in front of me, my fingers tingling where they clutched at clumps of bloody fur.

I knew I should feel remorseful, repentant, or something - but instead I just felt… sated. If an animal blood made me feel this good, this darkly invigorated, I couldn't even imagine how arousing human blood would be…

I forced my mind away from that thought which caused thirst once again to build in the back of my throat. I remembered, then, the deep red of Peter's eyes, and I finally understood his choices.

…

(A/N: The lyrics at the beginning are from Florence + The Machine's Howl. Let me know what you think of this chapter! What you want to see more of, what didn't like, whatever… I'd love to hear from you!)