Lost|Chapter Three - Only If
For a long time ACP just sits in the same position, time passes away but he doesn't seemed to have realized it. His body was here, in the room but his soul was there on the accident he was reliving the night of the accident. ACP picks up the diary from the floor, his mind and heart starts battling whether he should continue reading or not. He just read one page and it tore his soul down he will not be able to bear anymore of this. But his heart says his son deserves to be heard, ACP should know what Nakul thought, what he went through, what was going on his life. When ACP had a chance, he never bothered to learn about his son's life, now he found a way to learn about Nakul, how can he turn away from that? So what if it contains hurtful words towards him, they can't hurt more than Nakul's death. After another round of debating ACP gives in he decides to read the diary it's the only way to be connected to Nakul.
ACP opens the diary, first time he examines the diary closely. It is not like the usual diaries with dates. It is more like a notebook with pages without date, he flicks through some pages and notices Nakul did not write diary everyday but he used to update it sometimes; ACP starts from the beginning pages. The first entry was made 2 years ago at new years.
01/01/10
'What a Happy New Year (!) You know what is the worst part of this day? That I have no one to wish happy new year and no one cares enough to wish me. It's not like I wanted to wish him, I did but he is never free to even take a call from his own son. He must be too busy catching some idiot stupid criminal who wouldn't just spare us for one day on new year's night! I just HATE new year! No more new year for me... ever.'
ACP feels pinch in his heart, only if he had returned his call that night; he thought he will return the call later but that later never came. Later he did not felt important to wish after all it's just a formality. 'Only if I did wish him... only if.'
'Happy new Year Nakul. My darling son.' Without even realizing this slips from ACP's tongue, barely as a whisper, hoping that Nakul would hear it. Only if he said it sooner. Only if. ACP turns to next page though his heart is a lot heavy with guilt but he does not want to stop turning pages. 'Maybe this is my punishment for ignoring him' with this thought ACP turn to another page. Nakul left the back side of page blank and wrote on the next one. The next entry wasn't till March.
10/03/10
'Seriously! I mean COME ON! Dad you never understand, you will never understand. He will never understand what music is to me. I love music, I love playing guitar, I love making tunes but he will never understand, will he. Because only understands the police officers. I so hate the thinking that a child has to follow their parent's footsteps in career. Why? It is not my fault my father is ACP. Just because he is my father and ACP does not mean he will decide that whether I should be a police officer or someone else. I don't want to be a police, army, navy, CID or any officer. I love my music, it's my passion but of course how will be understand. He does not know what passion is. He thinks his job is his passion to me it seems turned into obsession! He can't just order me to stop playing as if I'm a 5 years old. He will never understand that my music is for me what his job is for him. He can't live without his job exactly that way I can't live without my music.'
As ACP finishes reading this entry he is in utterly shock state. He knew Nakul liked to play guitar but did not have faintest idea the he was in love with music this much. ACP looks at the entry date closely set of blur images starts to play in his mind.
'This is enough.' With this ACP gets up and makes his way out of his study and find Nakul in living, laying leisurely at the sofa not far away with guitar in his hands. He seemed to be lost in some other world, a faint smile was playing on his lips as he was playing the guitar.
'That's enough Nakul, stop playing it right now. I am trying to work on important case for tomorrow and this nuisance is causing me a headache.'
A loud voice jolts Nakul back to reality as he hears his father complain about his music and calling it nuisance. ACP continues.
'What is wrong with you these days, whenever I see you, you are busy with your guitar. Stop wasting time and do something productive. I know being a CID officer is not your cup of tea, you already broke that dream of mine but that does not mean you can waste your time like this. Go to your room now and don't disturb me, I have to be a court early morning tomorrow.'
Before ACP has chance to carry own, Nakul takes his guitar and runs to his room, few seconds later ACP hears Nakul slam his room door. ACP sighs and goes back to his study wondering what has gotten into him.
'Me! I was the reason Nakul was acting that way. Why I never saw this then? Only if, I had paid more attention and only if I was little more supportive. So what if he did not wanted to be in same field as me, a parent's job is to show their support to their children. Why did not I do that? I was so busy worrying about the case, I did not even realize what I was saying to him. I called his passion a waste of time, his music a nuisance. I gave him every reason to hate me.' ACP feels himself breaking down yet again, though his tears have dried up, the eyes are swollen red yet they are still crying. He wants nothing in the world expect to turn back the clocks and change every moment he had with Nakul, change it to better, to beautiful moment. Only if it was possible, only if. ACP stands up and moves towards the bedside wall where Nakul's guitar is hanging, hesitated, he moves his hand towards the guitar, slowly his fingers finds their way to the strings, as his fingers touch the strings ACP tries to remember the tune Nakul was playing that night.