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Lost|Chapter Eight - Giving Up

8/9/11

'It was her birthday today. I was planning for her birthday for days. I am so glad she loved all of it. I spent the entire day with her today, I made her take a day off from work because it's her birthday and she deserves a day off. She was so happy today but was missing her dad a lot. They talked on phone but still she was missing him, she wanted him to be here. I know sometimes she misses him too much but because of job can't regularly visit him, after all he in is US. She told her dad what I had planned for her, I was so embarrassed I was telling her to be sshh but no, she was just going on and on about my plans to her dad. Even her dad said thankyou to me today. I spoke to him first time today. He was so nice, so kind I just wish dad was like that. It was nice speaking to her dad today. Though the day was amazing but I knew she was missing her dad. I hate seeing her sad, I just can't see her sad for even a second. I want her to be happy forever, always. I never prayed for anyone before, not even for myself but today first time I actually prayed for her. I want her to be happy always.'

'The more I read about her, the more I like her. No wonder Nakul felt such strongly about her.' As ACP continues reading he understands Nakul's feelings better about this girl.

14/10/11

'I played my new tune to her today, she loved it. She made me play it 3 times in a row. I know it's good but this good that I did not know. She asked me where I got the inspiration for this tune; I told her it was her. She has been my inspiration from quite few months now, I created this tune keeping her in mind. She laughed. She literally was laughing out loud. She was amused that she was my inspiration, as if that is not possible. First she thought I was pulling her leg. She still thinks I was joking. Why is it so hard for her to see what she is for me? She is my light, my hope, my inspiration, my... everything.'

'He was falling for her.' It was not a wild thought but an observation of ACP. Nakul was falling for her and he did not even realize that. A realization which brought a certain peace to ACP's heart, his son was experiencing love, the most beautiful feeling a human being can feel.

27/10/11

'We had our first fight today. I never imagined me and her can ever fight but we did. It was over a silly thing, I guess we both didn't had a very good day so... she left in anger and I let her leave like this. Well I have apologized to her now and made sure she has eaten, so now finally I can eat too. I am NEVER EVER fighting with her again. Never.'

ACP laughs gently at this entry, no matter how old he was, Nakul was still a kid from a heart.

11/11/11

'I want to tell dad about her, should I, should I not?'

'I wish you had Nakul.' With this he turns to the next entry.

20/11/11

'I tried telling dad about her tonight. I tried. But of course he is never interested, he has work to do. Fine. I am never telling him about her now.'

'When did I try to tell me?' ACP wonders, ACP's eyes goes wide when he remembers.

ACP was in his room just laying in bed, resting he got back from bureau half an hour ago. Nakul makes his way to ACP's room; he gets surprise seeing Nakul home at this time, as he has been hardly at home these days.

"Hey Dad."

"Hey... home early tonight, huh?"

"Yea..."

Nakul gets lost in his thoughts.

"Nakul?"

ACP brings him back to earth.

"Yes?"

"Something wrong?"

Nakul sits in front of ACP and tries to talk to him.

"Nothing wrong, just wanted to... have a chat. I mean, we hardly see each other. So how was your day?"

A surprise look appears on ACP's face as Nakul finish his sentence.

"My day was... hectic, more like the other days but slightly more hectic. Are you sure, everything alright Nakul?"

"Yea.. yes of course. I just.. I just wanted to share something with you."

"Go on, I'm listening."

"Dad I..."

"Yes?"

Dad... it's, well..."

"Please tell me you haven't gotten yourself in trouble once again."

Nakul looks at ACP in shock. 'Is that what he thinks of me? He can never expect anything good from me?' he wonders.

"What? No! Of course not. I just..."

Before Nakul could finish speaking, ACP's phone rings.

"Hang on Nakul, just a second."

ACP receives the call it is from his old friend. ACP starts talking to him.

"hang on a second."

ACP puts phone on hold and turns to Nakul.

"Nakul, it's Rajesh's phone, remember my old friend from university? Listen, I've to take this call, but as soon I am done, we'll talk for sure."

Nakul's face falls as soon he hears this. ACP touches Nakul's head and goes outside and starts talking on phone. Nakul leaves from there with crestfallen face.

'Oh my God... so that was what Nakul was trying to tell me that night. How did I not see that?' Regret is not enough to explain the feelings ACP is feeling right now. He had so many chances to bond with his son, to get to know him, get involve in his life and ACP just threw all of them away, just like that. Nakul was always second for him, always. On ACP's priority list Nakul was always last. No wonder God took his son away from him. ACP inhales sharply and rests his head against the bed, he gaze lifts from the diary and moves towards the window the darkest hour of night is fading away slowly as dawn is starting to make its way up. After some time ACP gets back to reading the diary.

22/12/11

'She is gone back home for Christmas and New Year. It's only been a day and I miss her like hell. She offered me to go with her as well but I just could not go with her like this. Damn... I miss her but I am glad for her at least she'll be with her dad she was missing him a lot. Anyone who would know her well would miss her like this if she goes way. She is just like this, can't wait for her to get back.'

ACP smiles at his son's impatience; Nakul wasn't one with the patience. ACP turns to the next page to read further.

5/1/12

She is back... finally! Missed her so much, today I went to pick her up from airport. Dad was shocked to see me this early but who cares. She came back. Aww.. this hug, felt so good after ages. I feel so alive once again, she always does this, she has this thing that she can make anyone feel alive. Lol, she said I missed the hug more than her, what does she know. I ended up making another tune while she was away, but I'm not just giving it to her right now. Will give it to her on special occasion...

'So that's why he was so happy that morning, woken up so early, so fresh, no wonder. And what special occasion? What was this boy planning seriously.' A lot of questions were left unanswered, each entry was bringing more questions than answers. Anyways, ACP turns to next page hoping to find the answers, or maybe more questions.

19/2/12

'Things are getting worse day by day between me and dad. Dad is getting more and more busy, spending more time at bureau with his adopted family and once again I am not part of his life. I just wish for all of this to be over. I am completely fed up with this routine, this life. I am just done, completely done. Even she has been pushing me a lot to turn things around with dad but it take two people to make any relation work. So I am done. She also does not get it how hard it is for me. I know she is only trying to help me, but it's not really helping me. I give up.'

ACP's heart breaks into small pieces once again as he reads this entry, indeed this year was not good for them, him and Nakul gotten a lot more distant than they already were. With this ACP turns to the next page to read the next entry but the page is blanked. He flicks through last few pages of diary but all of them are empty, he goes back to the last entry he read. This indeed was Nakul's last entry in the diary. 'So this is it? the last entry, the last chapter of his life. With so many questions yet to be answered, this is the end? How can it be? He should have written more... he should have.' Tears starts to form in his eyes once again, which burns his eyes even more as the constant reading and crying since the night made his eyes very sore. But sore eyes are nothing compared to a sore heart. "I am so sorry my son for making your life hell, for ignoring you, for every wrong did I ever did to you. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart. I know no matter how much I apologize it will not turn back the time but I am so so sorry Nakul. Please forgive me, I beg of you. Forgive me, please." ACP brings his hands to his face and cries over his helplessness, his ignorance. He moves his hands from his face, moves towards the diary once again, to hold it tightly against his heart and then closes his eyes letting the tears of regret fall from his eyes.

Enjoy! :) Hope you'll like it. And yes guys, the next chapter is the last chapter of this story.