A/N. Hi, everyone! I'm going to the shore for a few days so I won't be able to update until Sunday at the earliest. Hopefully this one can hold you over! Lauren helped me write it (she also stayed up until 3 to help me with the last chapter!) and she is to blame for at least half of the angst here, so you can be in awe of her angsty talents as well. :) Thanks again, Lauren!
Lauren's note: Hello Laura's readers! Please direct any anger towards me, (WyszLo), as I was a terrible influence on Laura during this chapter. She suggested Logan dreaming of abuse and I turned it into this. Now enjoy and leave my soul mate a fabulous review once you've finished!
Carlos isn't sure why he called his father. He's the chief police officer in their small Minnesota town, but for once not even he can do anything. Logan's abusive past is just that; in the past. Ryan Mitchell has been dead for nearly three years. He can't be punished. Logan can't be protected. It's all too late. They're too late.
But there's something about his father that makes everything at least a little better. Carlos' belief in this one fact is reinforced when Mr. Garcia walks through the door with Luke right behind him and the atmosphere in the room instantly becomes easier to handle. Within minutes, the two men have James and Logan calmed down so that they've stopped shaking so terribly, and Katie is no longer hiding her face in Kendal's shirt. She's still crying though, tears of sorrow sliding down her pale cheeks quicker than she can wipe them away.
Mr. Garcia surveys everyone in the room, one hand on his son's shoulder. Carlos can feel his strength in the reassuring grip he has on him, and he takes a deep breath, trying to get himself under control. Though they haven't said anything, he can tell that Luke and his dad are both extremely anxious to know why he called them. He doesn't want to be the one to break the news, but he will if no one else speaks up soon. "Dad-" he begins.
"Carlos, this isn't an emergency," Mrs. Knight interrupts shakily, and it takes Carlos a few seconds to realize that she's talking to his father and not him. "I'm afraid that there's nothing you can do right now, at least not in the immediate future." She hasn't cried over this yet, but it's plain to see that she's close as she moves to Logan's side and places a trembling hand on top of his head. "But you're here because you're both family and you need to know. I just- I don't know how to tell you this."
Carlos doesn't have to look at his dad to know that he's even more concerned now. "What do you mean, Jen?" he asks gently, his voice calm and steady to anyone who doesn't know him. Carlos knows him. He can hear thinner layer of fear in the question. "What's wrong? Is it Logan?"
From his seat at the table, Logan cringes at the mention of his name. "I'm sorry," he whispers.
Carlos is incredulous. What could Logan possibly be apologizing for? For not telling them that his dad abused him? The others might be shocked and confused, but Carlos understands. Logan is far too selfless for his own good. If Ryan Mitchell pushed his son away with his neglect and. . . abuse, Logan would try to cling to him by defending him no matter what. "Logie, don't say that," he finds his voice and leans forward to get his best friend's attention. "It's not your fault."
"What's not his fault?" Luke asks, impatience flooding his voice. He doesn't mean anything by it. He just handles things differently than his older, more mature boss. Carlos loves Luke. He only has to look at him to know what Kendall is going to be like in the future. He's not an official part of their family, but he might as well be. He cares for Logan as much as anyone else in the room.
"Ryan Mitchell. . ." Mrs. Knight starts, and then immediately trails off when Logan covers his face with his hands. "Sweetie-"
"Ryan Mitchell what?" Luke demands, sounding eerily like Kendall.
"He abused Logan!" Kendall shouts, making them all jump in alarm. Kendall stands up, slamming both of his hands on the wooden surface of the table. He doesn't even wince at the forceful contact that his injured hand makes. "He used to hit him! He hurt Logan and Logan never told us! But you know what's even worse? The fact that we should have known and we didn't. We should have seen something, noticed something, anything! But we didn't! We were blind and deaf and oblivious. We could have protected Logan and we failed him!"
James is crying again, but no one notices right away. They've gone from staring at Kendall during his outburst to watching Mr. Garcia and Luke, waiting for their reactions. Carlos doesn't want to see it, but he can't look away. He watches the color drain from his father's face, watches him stagger forward a step and lean over to hold himself upright with the table. Luke turns and walks away to the other side of the kitchen, both hands running through his blond hair and making it stand on all ends. He speaks first, with his back turned towards everyone else. "What?"
Again, Carlos isn't surprised. Just because they're policemen doesn't mean that they can't be shocked. And this is by far the most shocking thing any of them could ever imagine. Who wants to believe it? "Logan had a dream last night," he offers, trying to be helpful. "and today he asked us if. . . he asked us if his dad ever hit him."
Luke turns back to them quickly, hope springing in his blue eyes. "It was a dream?" he asks. "Maybe that's all it was. Maybe it was-" he breaks off abruptly when he sees James shaking his head.
"I knew," James confesses, his voice shaking so hard that it's hard to understand him. He stammers out the same exact story he told everyone else earlier. He tells them about being eight years old and taking homework to a sick Logan, only to sense that Logan wasn't sick and that something else was wrong. He tells them about the nights he couldn't sleep while everyone else was passed out and stuck in their dreams. He tells them how often he heard Logan crying in his sleep on those nights, saying words that confused and terrified James. "I didn't know what to do," he whispers his eyes full of grief. "Everyone thought that his dad was too busy to pay attention to him and he never said otherwise. I was scared that I'd be wrong and that Logan would hate me for accusing his dad of. . . you know."
"But I was right," James continues, and Carlos can see right now that there is no way he's ever going to forgive himself. Not even a little bit. "I was right and it's my fault that Logan put up with it for so long. If I had said something, then I could have helped. But I didn't and I'm so sorry, I'm really sorry, I-"
"James," Luke says in a strained voice. "You were eight years old when it started. Just a little kid. You didn't know for sure."
"What if it was really bad?" James asks, nearing hysteria. "What if he really hurt him? What if he killed him and it was all because I was too stupid and too scared to say anything? What then?"
Carlos wishes he could give James another answer other than the silence that takes over everyone in the room. Why isn't there anything he can say? "James," he tries. "James, don't-"
"James, listen to me," Luke says quietly. "This is not your fault. You were eight years old. That's too young to know the signs of abuse. Even when you grew up and heard him crying, why would you really think that he was being hurt? Logan never acted like Ryan hurt him. If anything, he did the exact opposite. He craved his father's attention, he wasn't scared of it."
"But-"
Luke shakes his head. "You were a little kid, James. I'm surprised you suspected anything so young. But aside from that one particular day and Logan crying, did you have any reason to believe that he was abused?"
James pauses and takes a deep breath. "I- no? I mean, I knew something was wrong, that first day, but I didn't know what. Then when we were older and I'd hear him crying at night. . . the things he would say. . . and he had bruises once in a while, but I thought they were from hockey."
"Most of them were from hockey," Logan says softly.
"Most?" Carlos hasn't heard his father speak since the announcement and the sound of his voice now scares him. He's never heard his dad sound so broken.
Logan looks like he feels the same way. He seems smaller, shrinking back into his chair. "I thought that if I loved him no matter what and gave him everything I could. . . I thought that he would love me back. But he didn't." Logan's voice breaks and he starts to cry again. But not from the fear and regret of having everyone find out his secret. This time he's crying from a grief that he's held secret for years. "He either ignored me or he hit me and I didn't know what I was doing wrong, because I tried everything, I really did. But he-"
"Logan, come here." Carlos watches his father go to Logan and take him into his arms. The second he has him, Mr. Garcia holds onto Logan like everyone else in the room wants to: Like he'll never let go. "I'm so sorry, son. I didn't know, but I should have. I should have known."
Everybody is broken Carlos realizes. Everybody. They were broken before and had just started to put themselves back together again. He doesn't know how they can fix this though. Even his dad is crying. He isn't supposed to cry.
His dad is rocking Logan back and forth, whispering a tearful apology over and over again. Katie seems to be out of tears and is leaning against her mother. Instinctively, Carlos moves to James to make sure he's okay.
Of course he's not okay. None of them are okay. Logan was being abused by his father and they didn't do anything about it. They didn't know and so they let it happen. They let Logan be crushed and neglected and beaten by his very own father. It didn't matter that they did it unintentionally. It happened. That's all that matters and that's all anyone will ever be able to think of from now on.
Then it occurs to Carlos, that maybe he doesn't matter right now. Maybe James and Kendall don't matter right now. Maybe no one, except Logan, matters right now. Logan should be the only person who matters right now, even if they're all hurting. They failed him tremendously, but they're going to fail him all over again if they get stuck playing the blame game for too long. They don't need to be focusing on their mistakes in the past. That's not going to do Logan any good. It's making things worse actually, because all Logan needs is to know that he's loved.
Carlos looks over James' shoulder and sighs in relief when he sees that his dad is still holding Logan and still rocking him. But he's not apologizing anymore. Because that's not what Logan needs to hear, and Carlos' dad knows that. Instead, he's saying, "I love you. I love you. I love you." over and over again.
Out of the corner of his eye, Carlos sees Kendall stand up and walk out of the room. His chest tightens up in anxiety. Kendall hates it when other people, especially Logan, see him cry. That's why he's leaving. Biting his lip, Carlos wonders if he should leave James and go after his other friend. Before he can decide however, Luke gets up too. He follows the retreating Kendall out of the kitchen. Carlos can't seem them anymore, but he hears the front door open and fall shut. They're outside on the porch.
They'll be okay, Carlos decides. Luke and Kendall share the same protective nature. Back home on Boston, Luke has a younger brother. He understands the bond between Kendall and Logan. He knows the torture that Kendall is putting himself through. He's going through it himself. Then again, aren't they all? Nevertheless, Carlos is confident that he is where he needs to be. They all are.
They're his family. All of them. Not just his dad. Family isn't about the blood that runs through a person's veins. It's about the heart of a person and who that heart beats for. Carlos' heart beats for everyone who is sharing in his agony right now. That's what families do. They don't just rejoice together. They suffer together as well. And right now, they're suffering. A lot.
This is his family, Carlos looks around the room and thinks about Luke and Kendall outside. They're far from perfect. They're messed up and beaten down and broken. But they're something else. Something that trumps all the tears and the heartache. This family, Carlos thinks as he lets James hug him, is after all this time, still good.
Kendall can tell that Luke is right behind him, but he doesn't turn around. He walks straight toward the front door and shoves it open. Once he's outside, he takes a deep breath, collapses on the front porch, and cries.
He waits for Luke. Waits for the young man to put a hand on his shoulder and say something that's supposed to be comforting. Kendall has looked up to Luke all his life, but not even he can make this better. He sits on the step and cries, mentally preparing himself to refuse a comfort he doesn't deserve.
The comfort never comes.
Instead, Kendall jumps when he hears a sickening crack. He turns around, nearly falling off the step when he moves too quickly. "What-" he starts to asks, and then stops and stares.
Luke is bent over, right hand gripping his left as he stumbles away from the brick wall near the door. He sits down next to Kendall, still not acknowledging him and hisses in pain.
"Did you. . . just punch my house?" It's the dumbest question ever and Kendall feels even dumber when he adds, "It's made of brick."
"I know. . . it's made. . . of brick," Luke gasps out. "I just wanted to hit something. Did you ever get that feeling?"
Wordlessly, Kendall holds up his bandaged hand. "I punched my bedroom wall the other day because I scared Logan," he tells Luke after a moment of silence. "It wasn't a brick wall though."
"Yeah, unfortunately, it didn't make me feel any better." Luke winces as he tries to flex his hand. A wry smile crosses his face. "Broken."
Kendall can relate. Maybe not his hand, but the rest of him feels pretty broken. His mind. His heart. His soul. "Why?" he asks, knowing that Luke will know what he means.
Luke is quiet at first, for so long that Kendall almost repeats because Luke always has something to say. But eventually, he runs his uninjured hand through his hair and sighs. "Kendall, there isn't going to be another day in my life where I don't ask myself that question. Why didn't I ask Logan? Why didn't I look into it more? Why didn't I ask around? Why didn't I trust my instincts? Why didn't I stop it?"
"I mean, you were still just a kid when it was happening. I was an adult. I knew something was wrong and I didn't follow up on it. A police officer too. I'll never forgive myself. I should have known."
"I grew up with Logan," argues Kendall. "I grew up knowing that his dad changed after Mrs. Mitchell died. I knew it broke his heart and destroyed him. Luke, if you saw the kind of dad he used to be-"
"I did," Luke says quietly. "The night of the storm. My first day on the force. When we met. I caught a glimpse of the parent Logan deserved. Sure, he wasn't there when he should have been. But when he came, his focus was Logan and only Logan. Logan was the only other person in the world as far as Ryan Mitchell was concerned that night."
"He was a great dad and I don't know why he gave up on it, but he didn't just give up on himself, he gave up on Logan too. He hurt Logan. All I saw was a man too wrapped up in his own grief to care about his son, when in reality, I was just blind to the monster that had come to exist. How could I have been so blind?"
"Why didn't Logan tell us?" Kendall asks when Luke stops for breath. "All he talked about back there was not doing enough to be loved by his dad, but why didn't we do enough to be trusted by him? Where did we go wrong? Where did I go wrong?"
"That's what happens when you're someone's hero, Kendall," Luke whispers. "You promise to watch over them and take care of them, but you just can't protect them from everything. It doesn't matter if something is beyond your control, you'll still do your best and then die when you fail." He watches a car drive past the house, but somehow Kendall can sense that he doesn't seem them. He's not all there. "My little brother, Noah, is a lawyer. You know that, right?"
Kendall nods. They've never met Noah, but he hopes that one day they will. Luke has nothing but praise for him, so that means that he's awesome.
"You know my dad left us when we were little," Luke continues, apparently forgetting about his broken hand. "I was the oldest and I was determined to be the man of the house. Everyone looked up to me, especially Noah. He idolized me. He was two years younger than me, and I thought for sure that he trusted me enough to tell me everything. I was wrong."
"When I was a freshman in college, my mom called me from home. A couple of my brother's classmates beat him up so badly that he wound up in the hospital. I couldn't believe it. What made it even worse was that these same guys had been beating Noah up since seventh grade. And he never told me. He was ashamed of not being able to fix it himself and even though I got that, what I didn't understand was that he let it get so out of hand without asking anyone for help. Without asking me for help."
"I was in college, learning about law enforcement so I could do what I'm doing now. After what happened to my brother, I was even more determined to "get the bad guys." I thought I could erase my guilty conscious. I thought I could become a better protector, not just for Noah, but for everyone. And now. . . right in front of my face all over again."
"The thing is, Kendall," Luke turns to look at him and Kendall flinches at the intensity in his eyes. "I've come to accept over the years that I'm only human. As much as I love to be the hero and save the day, I can't be a superhero and save the world. I can't protect the people I love all the time. I know that, Kendall, but you know what else? I'm not okay with that. I'm not okay with it at all."
Kendall stares back at Luke, surprised and somewhat terrified to see himself staring back at him. It's not just his reflection though. It's another awful truth, one he's been running from for years, and one he can hide from for no longer. "I'm not okay with it either," he whispers.
A/N. Okay, that was depressing. Just when things were getting happy again too! :( But don't worry, things should ease up in the next chapter. This story is wrapping up in case anyone was wondering. :) Anyway, thank you very much for reading and I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!
Shout out to Lauren who is posting this chapter for me. Thank you, soulmate! Love it!
Lauren's note: If you haven't, check out Laura's other story Miracle of the Moment and hit up chapters 10 and 15 to learn the back story behind Kendall and Luke's conversation. Now please leave a review for Laura, but remember to direct bad feelings towards me.