Salvete! Another chapter, another angst-filled ride!

03) Love And War

Rachel could barely breath, her head swimming as she tried to absorb everything of the man she hadn't seen in four years in only a few moments. On closer inspection - and when he wasn't looking directly into her eyes, capturing her gaze as easily as a fly in a trap - she saw that his skin was darker than ever before, even when he went to that football camp the summer before their senior year. His face, though still benign, was guarded, no expression really showing upon his gentle features, which was odd for Finn as Rachel could always read him so easily.

Now it was like looking at a statue, revealing nothing besides what the sculptor wanted to show.

Rachel felt a sudden ache inside her chest, stalling her desire to stand up, wrap her arms around his neck, and lose herself in Finn. She wanted to, the need practically burning and eating away at her insides, but she kept herself seated as the table erupted around her and people sprang up to greet him. Embarrassment flushed her cheeks as she realized his own fiance couldn't greet him and she lunged at the first excuse she could get: Mrs. Schuester.

"Here, I'll take Kara," Rachel insisted immediately, holding out her hands for the sleeping baby.

Emma looked completely bewildered and she threw a quick look at Finn but he was being hugged by Tina. "But, Rachel, that's Finn. Don't you want to say-"

"Please, just not right now," begged Rachel, and Emma gently handed over the baby. Her eyes were wide and sympathizing, like they always were, but Rachel could detect a burning question in them. Why are you doing this?

Rachel held the baby to her chest, sweeping her long hair so it curtained over her and Kara's face. The tiny, beautiful girl in her arms slept on, soft breathing warm on Rachel's face but she barely paid any attention to it; her mind a twirl of thoughts and doubts.

Why was she doing this? Why wasn't she jumping up to greet her future husband and catching upon all the love that they missed out in four years? Why wasn't she crying tears of joy as he was back and healthy, that the wait was finally over? She didn't have to cry at night anymore, wanting and worrying over Finn; he was home. He was back with her and that should be enough to rule out everything, all the bad and agonizing times without him at her side.

Yet Rachel couldn't, for despite all the love and affection she had for the broad-chested man, a small part of her was furious at Finn. What right did he have now to come back and swoop into her life again after he sent her to New York without even consulting her first, without asking about her feelings? His last words ringing with the love he felt for her, his kiss exploiting the sorrow of their parting, his eyes burning with the emotions he was feeling, and the classic scene of him running after the train, burned in her brain like a candle as she had walked onto the train. At that moment, Rachel thought they could make the long distance relationship work but he never returned her calls, nor her letters. She sent them almost everyday for a year to his base, but no reply was ever given and she stopped all together.

She remembered the fear she felt the first time the thought of him being dead wormed her way into her mind, poisoning her thoughts as she kept picturing him lying in a ditch. Blood splattered upon his face, a gun barely out of his reach, and his face morphed into a mask of pain and the grotesque picture of death. The image made her so deathly sick and hollow she couldn't leave her room for days, staring blankly at the ceiling. Rachel told herself repeatedly that he wasn't dead, he couldn't be. He was her Finn, the boy she loved with every fiber of her being and craved as much as seeing her name in lights, he simply couldn't be dead. She would've known deep inside of her, a snap would have broken and an anguish like no other soon after.

Though, the fear remained until the day she couldn't bear it anymore and called Finn's mother. Carole's voice sounded natural over the phone and Rachel knew before she even asked the question that Finn wasn't dead. Rachel hung up before she said anything, unable to bear a conversation with anyone as another realization burrowed inside of her mind, the impact crushing even all the way to her heart. It left her gasping for breath and tears fell down her cheeks in rivers, body aching with pain and loneliness.

Finn was ignoring her, pushing her aside as if she was nothing to him. That all of Glee, the kisses, the laughter and jokes shared, the whispered promises of love they told each other as they held each other close, the passion, the connection between them, the palpable intensity in their eyes when they shared a glance, meant nothing - she meant nothing.

Rachel wanted to cry as she gently weaved her arms back and forth, cradling Kara as she slept on. She envied the innocence in the girl's demeanor, the clean expression that revealed nothing except the beauty of sleep and the gentleness of a child's dreams. Kara knew naught about the pains life would bring to her, the tornado of emotions that she would eventually be succumbed to, the pains, the betrayals.

The love.

No. No, Rachel reprimanded herself and leaned straight in her chair, the tears threatening to cloud her view banished in a second. She flipped her hair out of her face, set her shoulders straight and whisked the sad thoughts from her head. She was Rachel Berry, a young starling on her way to fame and fortune as she plowed through the meager jobs and off-Broadway shows to the center stage. Strong and determined, she would let no one bring her down. Not even Finn, and especially not on the first day she was home in four years. This was for her, she was doing it so she could catch up with times past and friends gone before she took that final hurtle to the top.

And damn it! She was going to enjoy it, even if that meant pushing Finn aside to do it.

Rachel swiveled her attention back to Finn and those assembled. He was talking with Quinn, a certain blankness upon his face as he smiled without meaning. There was an emptiness to the way he spoke, as if he did it out of necessity rather than want. His posture was still and straight, which again was something odd for Finn - he always seemed to be fidgeting or drumming a tattoo against his leg with his fingers or something. She guessed that it had something to do with his training but it was just another thing to separate them, another difference that she couldn't help but to notice.

Finn finally moved his hand, but it was only in response to Beth raising her own in greeting. It was almost comical to see the difference in their sizes and heights but what Rachel saw next tore the very laughter out of her throat.

Finn stumbled back, almost tripping to the ground as his face ripped open with surprise and utmost fear. She never seen such an expression before on his face, the utter horror that made a shiver run down Rachel's own spine. The countenance so potent and deep, but maybe that was only because of the stark contrast between it and the indifference once upon Finn's face.

As quickly as it came however, it was gone. The mask was up an instant and the statue reclaimed her fiance, the stone untouchable as before. Though Rachel couldn't tear the image of his face out of her mind, the horror and terror burning in the depths of his cinnamon eyes. She wanted to run up to him and hug, to tell him that there was nothing to fear, he was among friends and loved ones. But she didn't and remained sitting, holding Kara to her chest, and studied Finn's expression as he turned away from Quinn and Beth, a fumbled apology in response to his sudden change in behavior.

Mr. Schuester, sensing the sudden tension forming between the party, took a hasty step forward and embraced Finn with a clap on the shoulder. His laugh eased the silence and as he spoke, Rachel could see the attempt to push the incident away from them. Though a question burned in him as much as it burned in everyone else, wondering what that incident had been all about.

"It's good to have you back. We practically have the original New Directions back in town, maybe we could get together and sing some old tunes?"

Finn looked like he wanted to smile but he only gestured with a small shake of his head. "Sounds cool, but I...I don't sing anymore."

Rachel's eyes snapped wide, her breath caught in her throat. Like a wave, a rush of memories of Finn and her singing erupted in her head. They sang with happiness on their faces and burning in their eyes, harmonized sadly as they thought about all that was lost between them and what they used to be, and they performed with love and meaning as they danced on the stage to win nationals. Their relationship had been based upon singing, molded and enforced by it. It was the hammer that beat and curved Rachel's affections and obsessions with Finn into love, pure and unrelenting love.

And Finn didn't even believe in singing anymore...

"Excuse me," the waitress interrupted crossly, her expression revealing what she thought about being ignored and sent to the back. "I'm sorry to break in here but can I get your order so I can take it back? I have customers waiting."

Finn looked almost relieved from the silence that was threatening to smother them all, and immediately nodded his head. "I'll take the spaghetti and a water, please."

Rachel's eyebrows shot up in surprise. Water? Finn barely drank anything that wasn't a shade of brown or black, and if it smelled a little like alcohol, the better. It wasn't like he was an alcoholic or Puck, but water.

The waitress scribbled down his order, threw her pad and pen back into a pouch, and forced a smile upon her face. "Okay, I'll have your drinks out for you guys in a second."

As she walked away, a switch turned on in everyone as they realized they were still standing. They all took a seat and Rachel half-hoped half-feared that Finn would sit across from her, or next to her, and was feeling mixed emotions when he took the seat directly opposite from her. Their eyes meet as he did, chocolate upon cinnamon, and Rachel felt the pull inside of her stomach that demanded she reach out and kiss him, no matter if there was a table in her way or not. For, despite all the anger inside of her, she still loved him as much as she did that day almost four years ago.

His gaze warmed for the first time since she seen him, the color flaring with emotion and animating the statue. He smiled slightly, an ugly caricature of what it used to be but a smile nonetheless.

"Hi, Rachel," Finn repeated. His voice was blank but wary, as if he was afraid of what she was going to say in return. A thousand things jumped to mind but she kept herself contained and cool, nonchalant.

"Hello, Finn. It's...it's good to see you again," Rachel managed, an ache forming in her throat. An awkward barrier was between the two of them, a force so tangible that it made even Rachel unsure of what to say exactly. And for the life of her, she couldn't remove her eyes from his. They were the same even if they didn't share the same warmth like they use to, but they still remained the eyes of the boy she'd fallen in love with forever. "You...you look good."

Finn didn't respond, actually he appeared like he hadn't heard a word she said. His eyes were flashing across her face, looking at everything with rapt attention as if it was the first time he seen her. An open admiration was on his face, making her blush, which broke him out of his reverie.

"You look beautiful." The truth and conviction in his words startled her, sounding so sure about himself. There was absolutely no doubt in his voice, or a trail of teasing. He meant it.

Her face felt like it was on fire now, her blush unable to be controlled any longer despite her training as a performer. She broke their connection of the eyes and looked down, realizing for a moment she had forgotten about the baby in her arms. Glad for the distraction, Rachel raised the sleeping child so Finn could see her. "Did you meet Kara yet? She looks so much like Ms. Pillsbury - I mean, Mrs. Schuester. I don't think I'll ever get used to calling her by that, so attuned to her being Ms. Pillsbury already. Do you want to hold her?"

"No!" Finn answered immediately, a spark of fear flaring in his gaze once before dwindling away behind the emptiness. Rachel felt another stab into her heart at his reaction, not understanding what happened to the boy she loved so much. The man ahead of her sighed and drooped his shoulders, looking apologetic. "I'm sorry, I mean - no, thank you. My hands are so rough and callused, I don't want to hurt her." He swallowed forcibly, then glanced back into her eyes anxiously. "I heard they named her after you, Kara Rachel."

"Yes, they did..." Rachel said, trailing off as her thoughts raced together. Realization and pain followed soon after, as she raised her eyebrows at him. A dangerous arch. "Oh, so it appears as if you do get some mail then. I mean, I thought you know after not responding to any of mine for a year that it wasn't allowed but I just see you only read those that were important to you."

"Yes, I mean, let me explain-"

"You had four years to do that, I think you had bountiful time to explain yourself if you wanted to," Rachel interrupted him coolly and without another word, turned her attention away from Finn and to Emma, who sat at her side. The counselor had been watching the interaction between them with her large doe eyes, but she said nothing as Rachel meet her eyes and held out Kara to her. "Thank you for allowing me to hold her, she is such a darling."

"I know, she reminds me so much of Will," Emma admitted, the baby fitting perfectly into her arms as if she was made just for her. The older woman's eyes blazed with such potent love and affection as she regarded her child, it made Rachel's heart give a pang. Kara stirred slightly but only popped her mouth once before lulling back to a deep sleep. The two woman shared a quiet smile.

"Finn, it's good to see you again." Her Dad's voice tore Rachel's attention away to see both her parents leaning over to speak with Finn, who had fallen to stare at his place-mat when Rachel turned away from him. Rachel appeared to be paying excessive attention to her water that the waitress just dropped off as she eavesdropped on the three most important men in her life. "When did you get back?"

"Earlier today, sirs," Finn's voice was firm and respectful, answering to a commanding officer more than speaking to her dads. "I was hoping to surprise my Mom and Burt but they didn't seem to be home."

"No, I'm sorry to say that they won't be home for at least a week," Daddy said, looking disappointed for Finn. "They went to L.A. to visit Kurt and Blaine there. You should call them and say you're home, let them have something to look forward to."

"Will do," Finn nodded. "Thank you for telling me, sirs."

Her Dad looked like he was about to say something, but a sudden squeal interrupted his words. The whole table swiveled their heads to see what was the problem, but it was only Tina standing up and looking excited. Her face was flush, looking radiant, as one hand was clutched tightly around Mike's. He too was looking happy, but his eyes were upon his wife and they shone brighter than she did. Grins were on both of their faces.

"We were going to wait until later to tell you guys but seeing as Finn is here and it's so good to be here with you all again," Tina started, her words going a mile a minute. "We decided that now would be as good a time as any." She bite her lip as if trying to contain her excitement, then she laughed and admitted: "I'm pregnant!"

The table erupted again in a chorus of cheers and people jumping up to greet the lucky couple, but Rachel couldn't. She was happy for Tina and Mike, the perfect couple that never seemed to be apart or fight, but a part of her was jealous. A raw sense of wanting and demanding forming in the pit of her stomach as Mike scooped up his wife and kissed her fully upon the mouth, her arms going around his neck perfectly. Envious, Rachel wondered if she and Finn could have been them if they hadn't been torn apart, if he hadn't gone into the military and left her to trek to New York alone.

The restaurant suddenly felt very hot and before Rachel knew it, she was striding out of it and into the cool evening air. She knew that it was terribly rude to leave Mike and Tina without congratulating them and also for making an exit on her own party but she just couldn't be in there anymore. Being so close to Finn and trying to keep it all together was more difficult than she ever presumed, her promise to herself earlier breaking like her heart as she wrapped her arms around her chest and made for home, not feeling very hungry anymore.

Rachel closed her eyes partly and leaned back, welcoming the slight wind against her flushed skin. She couldn't remember the last time when she just took a walk to clear her head and without rushing off somewhere else. No meetings, no practices, no classes, no urgent phone calls - just walking. It felt good and she never thought she would ever admit this to herself, but a small part of her was glad she was home.

"You really shouldn't walk with your eyes closed, you might get hurt."

Rachel's eyes snapped open and she turned her head, recognizing the voice immediately. She whipped around and was startled to find herself right on Finn's broad chest, her palms resting lightly upon the firm pectoral muscles. Her hands itched to run them all over his body but she swallowed and brought her self-control back into check, taking a step away from him as she did. Her eyes sought out his face, hoping to see the old Finn again but it was the same blank expression that was there before.

"Don't tell me what to do you," Rachel reprimanded, glaring at him openly now as she crossed her arms again. "You lost that right a long time ago when you sent me off to New York without even talking to me about it."

"I did it for you, Rachel. I didn't want you to be stuck here in Lima for a whole year just because of me, because I was too stupid to get into a college," Finn returned, his voice empty. It almost sounded like he rehearsed it to himself over and over.

It only made her feel angrier.

"Did it for me? For me? You got to be kidding me, Finn!" Rachel yelled, throwing her hair back from her face as it fell into her eyes. "If you really wanted to do something for me you could have stayed! You could've been with me, not prancing around the world trying to get yourself killed. Did you even think how I would feel when you were gone, how lonely I was when I had to enter New York by myself?"

"Of course I did," said Finn hotly, finally showing a flash of emotion. "I knew that it was going to be hard for both of us but it had to happen. You're a star, Rachel, and I couldn't let me dim your brightness. If that meant I had to be apart from you for awhile, then I would do it. You deserve so much and I wasn't going to allow myself to get in the way of that."

"No," Rachel interjected, now walking up to him boldly and poking him in the chest hard. She could feel her eyes burning with the anger inside of her chest, roaring to free itself. "No, you failed there. You got in the way every single day you weren't there. All the time, every single day for four years, I thought about you. I worried where you were, if you were safe, if you were well. I tried to throw myself into my classes, to absorb everything I could that would make me a better performer and to not think about you. But it was like trying to stop the city from making noise - it just doesn't happen. It was impossible, and people noticed.

"My instructors saw the talent I had but I just couldn't perform anyone or anything that was optimistic. How could I smile when my fiance wasn't even returning my letters and calls? So, they pushed me into playing the sad, pathetic roles! I was Sarah in J.B., I played as Jocasta in Oedipus Rex, and now I'm going to role as Ophelia in Hamlet. I don't want to play those, I want to be Annie, Mary Poppins, Nala! Don't you dare say that you weren't in the way!"

Finn was silent, staring at her openly as his eyes flicked over her face and to the single tangle of hair that fell into her face again. With a simply gesture, his hand rose and tucked it tightly behind her ear. The gesture was so familiar, so Finn, that Rachel felt her anger fade but she didn't want to, she yearned to be furious at him. She needed to make him understand the emptiness, the hallow feeling, that she experienced for four years while they were apart.

Her eyes filled up with volatile tears and she was suddenly hitting him in the chest now, her hand aching with each punch but she paid it no attention. "Why didn't you respond to my messages, why did you leave me without a word, Finn. I sent you a letter for every day of that first year we were apart, every - fucking - day. I spilled my heart into those, begging and pleading that you would at least respond once. I wouldn't have cared if you told me you never wanted to see me again, that you didn't love me. I just wanted to hear from you. I thought...I thought you were dead."

Rachel tore herself away from Finn and took a few steps away, crying openly now as raw pain racked her spine and made her sob. Bowing her head, she tried to stop them but it was pointless; they kept coming. She remembered the numbness she felt whenever she thought of him being dead, the stupid image coming to her mind once again.

A hand fell softly upon her shoulder, squeezing softly. "I'm sorry, Rachel. I never meant for you to worry."

"It seems like you never meant a lot of things, Finn - like that you loved me." Rachel hit his hand away, her voice cracking as she spoke through tears. "Don't touch me."

His hands only came back despite her words and she found herself turning around, his face leaning in close to hers. Rachel was startled to find tears in his own eyes. Though it wasn't for himself that he cried, it was for her. "I'm sorry, Rachel. I'm so sorry. I didn't want to distract you, I didn't want you to worry about me. I always loved you, every single day I loved you and I still do. You're everything to me, Rachel. I love you!"

Rachel wanted to scream and be angry, to hit him more and tell him that words were not good enough. Though she couldn't, her ire fading as quickly as it came. All she felt now was a deep sadness, an ache that made her want to fall into his arms and forget everything. "Stop calling me that."

"Calling you what - Rachel?"

"You always used to call me 'Rach,'" Rachel muttered back, leaning her head forward so it rested upon his chest. The warmth of his body radiated into her own, and his scent drifted around her. She forgotten how good it felt to be next to him, to have his hands on her and to be so close to him she could feel his breathing, a gentle rhythm that settled her nerves and made her feel content. She hadn't felt this way in four years, and she couldn't get enough of it.

Finn wrapped his arms around her body and she could feel him kiss her hair softly, muttering softly as he did. "I love you, Rach."

"And I love you."

Hold onto your hats, folks! Next chapter is going to be a little bit more spicy!

Valete,
Dreamy