Re:IF Nageku [Lamenting Life in Another World from Zero]
Phuqitol
Summary:
Things often hang on a single decision, on things being just right or wrong enough. In this story, Subaru refused to heed Rem's words of encouragement. Now, he has to work his way through a broken timeline to try and properly make amends for his failings.
Chapter 1: The Sun is in the North
Summary:
In this chapter, we find Subaru three months after a great tragedy…
Chapter Text
It was frigid that night. It always was these days for Natsuki Subaru. Wandering the frozen north, bouncing from one menial labor gig to another, came to define his life. He used to complain bitterly about the cold, but the longer he stayed up in the Holy Kingdom of Gusteko, the less frequently this had become. By now, he never even bothered. It's not as though there was anyone with whom he could commiserate.
Subaru: [… how much further…?]
With a hoarse voice, he wondered aloud. He was traveling from his most recent work site, the Spirit City Eternya, to his next stop, the Snow Field City of Inorandum. Work had dried up in Eternya, or perhaps he had overstayed his welcome. Despite his black hair, he stood out to many as an outsider due to his mannerisms. People would treat him with indifference at best and outright scorn at worst.
Was such treatment worth the pittance he was making? Did such treatment and pittance pale in comparison to the nightmare he'd avoided?
He didn't know. He didn't care to know. He tried not to think about what had happened three months ago…
Rem: [Subaru, please listen!]
Subaru: [I can't stand to hear anymore of this… this… bullshit!]
Subaru and Rem stood in a forum. They were in the Capital, back in Lugunica. Cruel circumstances had coincided to produce this disparaging conversation between these two. A predicament Subaru was helpless to prevent. A desire to escape, and for Rem to run away with him. It was a selfish request, sure. But he didn't want to go alone. He didn't know what he'd do if he were alone in this world.
Rem: [Why can't you see the you that I see? Why do you refuse to even try?]
Subaru: [Because that "me" you see is a fake! It was all a front, Rem, a damn foolish front! I'm not the hero you make me out to be, I'm just not!]
They'd been arguing in circles like this for what felt like hours. They'd just been at Kadomon's appa stand. Subaru had just Returned By Death, having just witnessed the tragedy that was yet to come for… what, the third time? He didn't feel like keeping count. Once was enough for him, more than enough for countless lifetimes.
Rem tied to encourage him to keep trying. God, did she try. But it didn't work. So thorough was the defeatism that had gripped Subaru's mind. So heavy was the melancholic sense of powerlessness that hung over him.
That day, that last day he would ever see Rem, he stormed off. His final words?
Subaru: [You can stay here if you want, but you won't drag me down with you!]
He'd had his mind set on Kararagi originally. After all, the border to Vollachia was shut down due to an agreement that had been made prior to the beginning of the Royal Selection. Gusteko was a pretty cold and unwelcoming place, or at least, that's what he'd heard. He wasn't about to stay in Lugunica, knowing what was to come. He didn't want to be anywhere near the tragedy that was about to unfold. He didn't want to have to see his loved ones die all over again.
He'd had his mind set on Kararagi originally. But that couldn't be anymore. He knew he would only be reminded of what could have been with Rem if he went there now. With Vollachia inaccessible and Lugunica as a non-option, this only left the Holy Kingdom of Gusteko…
Subaru: [… hah, how much further…?]
He kept muttering this to himself as he dragged his feet through the snow. He'd taken to traveling alone, as it lowered his chances of being mugged. This might seem counterintuitive, and that's because it is. He'd been burned by group travel before, though, and it's not as though he'd been able to make any friends since he'd been here.
He also kept to the wilderness now for the same reason. Traveling along the roads, he'd already been mugged more times than he cared to consider. Of course, being mugged or ripped off was a frequent occurrence for Subaru these days, regardless of location. This didn't matter, though. He was grasping at straws to find a way to avoid it in the future, no matter how counterintuitive or pointless his decisions were.
As he bitterly wondered how much further he had to go to Inorandum, he felt his stomach grumble.
Subaru: [Oh, shut up, would you?]
He muttered this as he frustratedly firmly pressed his fist into his stomach, fruitlessly trying to get it to settle down. He was terribly hungry. He always was nowadays. There were bags under his eyes from chronic sleep deprivation, as well. Frankly, he looked like a husk of his former self.
Of course, gaunt cheeks and exposed ribs were only part of the change to his appearance. He'd been forced to eschew his tracksuit and sneakers in favor of more climate appropriate garb prior to making his trip up to Gusteko. Back then, he had been given a hefty coin purse by Roswaal, likely intended for other purposes. Those didn't matter to Subaru anymore, though. He bought better insulated clothing, including thicker black trousers, a black sweater, a white mantle lined with liger fur, and an orange scarf. In place of his sneakers, he now wore black leather boots, also lined with liger fur.
The merchants that he'd bought these clothes from, the same people he'd paid to take him to Gusteko, charged him quite a lot for the clothes and the ride. Arriving in Gusteko, he barely had enough money for a stay at a local inn.
Subaru: [… may need to stop off somewhere… is there a town nearby?]
He pulled out a map of the kingdom he'd purchased early on, as well as a lagmite crystal he'd stolen. He felt guilty for having done so, but only for a day or so. By now, he was just happy to have a light source for just such occasions.
Subaru: [W-woah, hey!]
Unfortunately, it wouldn't matter anyway, as a brisk wind would suddenly pick up, taking the map right out of his hands and blowing it far, far away.
Subaru: [… this isn't funny.]
This was hardly the first time Subaru had muttered this phrase since arriving in Gusteko, and it likely wouldn't be the last.
After taking a look around, he noticed something. Light filtering through the trees of the forest.
Subaru: [A campfire? Is it a band of merchants, or…]
It could've been merchants, certainly. Of course, it also could've been bandits. Subaru placed his lagmite crystal back in his pocket, as he carefully made his way toward the light for a closer look.
Approaching the source of that light and concealed by snow-covered brush, Subaru was able to identify just what type of people he was dealing with.
Subaru: [… oh fuck…]
With a hushed tone, Subaru cursed his luck. It was bandits, numbering six total.
Subaru: [I need to get out of here…]
Subaru carefully stepped backwards to begin circumventing the bandits, intent on keeping moving toward the direction of the Sacred Mountain Pardochia. Even with all of the trees around him, the mighty mountain could be seen. He knew if he continued in its direction, he'd wind up in his desired destination of Inorandum, or the Holy City of Glacia, at least.
Sadly, his luck would only continue to sour.
Bandit: [Eh? What was that?]
Subaru: [… shit…]
Subaru thought he'd been careful with his footing, but his lack of adequate lighting heading away from the campfire didn't allow for him to be as careful as possible. A twig from one of the surrounding trees had been on the ground, now crushed beneath his foot. It was loud enough for the bandits to hear it without mistaking it for the crackling of the fire.
What should he do? Run? In his beleaguered state, he knew he wouldn't get far before he was captured, or worse.
Should he use Shamak? He'd considered it on several occasions since leaving Lugunica, but two things had prevented him from doing so. One was the connotation it now had, as the last time he'd used it was during his one-sided duel with the Finest Knight, Julius Juukulius. Another reason he abstained from its use was his gate, the condition of which he was unsure of. All he did know about it was he lacked proper knowledge of how to use it without potentially collapsing his gate.
Should he use it now, or later? Never? He just wasn't sure. The moment had his mind in frenzy.
Subaru: [I don't wanna die…]
He whispered this desperate phrase. He hadn't died in months, and he was in no rush to do so again. The pain inherent to dying was obviously a big part of why, but there was something else deterring him from death, something no one else could possibly understand.
Subaru: [I don't wanna die…]
He could hear the footsteps of the bandits stomping about, searching for whatever it was that had just tried to sneak up on them. Was it a rival group of bandits? A wild animal? A hapless wanderer? It didn't matter. They wanted to know and deal with it accordingly. Either they'd get loot to fence or a meal and a pelt.
Burly Bandit: [Found you!]
Subaru: [No! Nooooo!]
Subaru screamed desperately as he was grabbed by the ankles and dragged towards the campfire by a burly bandit.
Burly Bandit: [Ain't no use in screamin', kid. You're in the wilds. No one's gonna here ya!]
Bandit: [Oi, Fallon! Whatcha wanna do with 'im?]
An imposing man with a shaven head sat at the fire, staring at what his men had dragged in. Subaru was pinned in the snow by one of them, as the others drew their swords.
Fallon: [The usual, of course. Alright kid, cough up your goods.]
Subaru was released by the burly bandit who'd caught him. It didn't much matter anymore, seeing as he was surrounded by steel.
Subaru dug into his pocket and dropped his lagmite crystal in the snow before him.
Fallon: [What, is that it?]
The disappointment in Fallon's voice was palpable. He was hoping for more, clearly. He picked up the crystal begrudgingly.
Subaru: [It's… it's all I got. I'm sorry…]
Fallon: [Shut up, runt.]
Subaru: [Gah!]
Fallon chucked the crystal at Subaru's head, causing a small gash in his forehead near his hairline.
Fallon: [You're lying.]
Subaru: [No, I'm not! That's really all I have!]
Fallon stared at Subaru, looking him up and down.
Fallon: [Your clothes tell me otherwise.]
Subaru: [… no…]
His clothes were pretty high quality. He figured he should get the best clothes he could to favor better in the elements. Now, his clothes were just appealing loot.
Fallon: [Kid, I'll give you three options. One: you strip down, and we leave you here by the fire. Two: we strip you down, and we leave you in the nearest river. Three: we slit your throat and strip you afterwards. Make your choice.]
Subaru: [… n-no…]
None of these options really left any room for his survival. Even the most lenient option, option one, was really just going to delay the inevitable, as he would die from exposure after the fire eventually went out.
His only option, it seemed, was death.
Subaru: [No!]
His mind drowned in despair. What could he do? It seemed as though death was unavoidable here. And what would happen then? Where would he wind up? When would he wind up? Would he be sent back to that appa stand? That forum? That wagon, en route to Gusteko? Any of the inhospitable towns and villages he'd been to in the last three months? He didn't know, nor did he want to find out. He couldn't start over again. He couldn't watch that tragedy unfold all over again.
???: [That's enough.]
Just before Fallon was going to make Subaru's choice for him, a voice broke through the scene. It was a lackadaisical, monotone voice, one that spoke with utter disinterest. And yet it called out to stay Fallon's hand?
Fallon: [And just who the hell are you?]
Emerging from the opposite side of the brush was a man of lean build. He had long, wild beige hair and thick eyebrows, one of which was bisected by a scar. His eyes appeared so blue as to almost be black. He had another scar running across the bridge of his nose, from cheek to cheek. He wore a white haori with sky blue hemming and light grey shorts. He wore no shirt underneath, revealing many scars on his abdomen. He was also barefoot, despite being here, in the most frigid of the four kingdoms.
What was most important to the bandits about his appearance was the amulet around his neck. It was silver and shaped like a bear's head.
Fallon: [An Amulet of Odglass…]
Burly Bandit: [… fuck.]
Subaru stared wide-eyed at the unseasonably dressed man. He appeared sleepy-eyed, almost as though he was looking straight past or through everyone there.
Bandit: [Th' hell's an Acolyte Knight doin' here?!]
Subaru had heard of the title "Acolyte Knight" here and there in his travels. Truth be told, he did precious little to immerse himself in the culture of this kingdom. He didn't participate in anything to do with the Holy Church. He largely kept to himself, so everything he knew about the place was scant bits of eavesdropped hearsay. From what he could surmise here, though, Acolyte Knights were to be respected, or even feared.
Fallon: [Wait a sec… your sacred garb. Those of the Order wear a sacred garb as their uniform, and never wear anything else in their day to day operations. But you…]
Though Subaru knew little about the customs of this kingdom, he could scarcely call what this stranger was wearing a "sacred garb." Frankly, his attire made him seem like a slacker or a thug.
Fallon: [If you don't have the garb, then that means… you've been disgraced as a knight, haven't you?]
???: […]
Burly Bandit: [Damn, but that hasn't happened since…]
Bandit: [Basically ever, right?]
The other bandits who had been stunned silent at the stranger's appearance were beginning to become less tense. They could feel something shared among their ranks, a certain understanding.
Fallon: [Heh, that means you lack the Great Spirit's blessing. Between the six of us, we could --]
???: [You the bandits who've been harassing caravans around here?]
Fallon: [Eh?]
???: [Don't make me repeat, wretch.]
The air felt heavy around the stranger, and the ease that had been gathering among the bandits' ranks evaporated in this atmosphere.
Fallon: [S-so what if we are, huh? What's a disgraced knight going to --]
Before the bandit leader could finish his sentence…
???: [Jiwald.]
The stranger pointed his right index finger at Fallon's head, right between the eyes. A ray of white light was emitted from his finger tip, and within the blink of an eye, it passed clean through the bandit leader's forehead and right out the back. The air was filled with the smell of seared flesh as Fallon crumpled into the snow where he had stood.
Bandit: [F-Fallon!]
Burly Bandit: [You bast--]
???: [Jiwald.]
A swift stroke of his right arm, another ray of white light was emitted from the tip of the stranger's index finger. It cut clean through three of the remaining bandits, including the burly bandit who had dragged Subaru screaming toward the campfire. It had even felled several trees immediately behind them.
Only two bandits remained.
The bandit who had asked Fallon what was to be done with Subaru cowered, backing up slowly towards a scrawnier, younger bandit than he. If Subaru had to guess, this scrawnier bandit was no more than fifteen.
Bandit: […]
The bandit drove his sword into the gut of the younger bandit. A faint pained whimper was all that escaped. It had happened too fast for anything else.
Bandit: [S-see? We're… we're on the same side here, Acolyte Knight! No need to --]
???: [Pathetic.]
The stranger lifted his right hand once more.
Bandit: [N-no, wait!]
???: [Jiwald.]
Another ray of white light, straight through the older bandit's left eye. The stench in the air had become truly suffocating.
The stranger then slowly walked over to the mortally wounded younger bandit.
Younger Bandit: [H-help me…]
???: [Nothing I can do. Sorry. Will make this painless.]
He pointed his right index finger at the younger bandit's head.
???: [Jiwald.]
One more ray of white light, and the younger bandit was put out of his misery. With this, he turned his attention to the only living person remaining in the vicinity: Subaru.
Subaru: [N-no…]
He had been on his knees throughout this terrible scene, but now he was on his rear end, scooting frantically backwards as quickly as he could to get away from the stranger.
Subaru: [Ah, huh?]
He'd backed up a couple meters straight into a tree. There was no going further backwards. He wouldn't have enough time to run away. He wasn't faster than light itself.
Subaru: [Please, don't kill me! I'm not with them, I swear!]
Subaru shut his eyes tighter than he'd ever done before. So badly did he wish he could just leave this moment. He didn't know which was worse: a death that came out of nowhere, or a death that was obviously imminent. The suspense was excruciating.
Subaru: [Don't do this!]
Tears flowed down his cheeks and snot flowed out of his nostrils. He was an absolutely pathetic mess as the proverbial ax came ever closer to his neck.
Then, something amazing happened.
A second went by. Then two. Then ten. Then a whole minute. Nothing happened. No consciousness rending ray of white light tore through his skull. He heard nothing but his own terrified sobbing.
Subaru: [E-eh?]
He slightly opened one of his eyes to see what was happening, a morbid curiosity having overtaken him. Perhaps it would be better described as an odd impatience. Regardless, he peeked.
The stranger was bent down before him, offering a hand.